I've been thinking about this post since I got home from my trip to Tulsa. I knew when I left that I would be gone over Halloween. How that would affect me, I really didn't know but I was willing to go anyway.
Most of the time I was gone I really didn't think much about Halloween either despite the fact that some of the stall decorations had incorporated the usual Halloween type themes. Then there were those candy dishes filled with trick or treat fare but mostly I just tuned it out and went about my business at the show.........which was taking care of my horses.
I don't post about the supernatural side of my abuse often. Mostly that's probably because of my own discomfort. I know that some will think I'm crazy and that's ok but I also know there are those who will believe. The problem really is probably that I would really rather not believe........but I know too much not too.........so it's just easier not to think about it.
It wasn't until late Halloween night that I paused at all to think about this holiday and its effects on me. I was walking up towards the arenas when "it" happened. The problem I've been having is how am I going to explain "it."
Finding the right word to label this supernatural being that swooped by me and then disappeared in the darkness only to be followed by a second and a third. It was over in an instant. I took brief note of it and then went back to what I was doing content in the belief that I was safe despite this attempt to get my attention.
I saw these beings again. It was only my drive home and actually it happened a couple of times. Both instances were in the late late night.....during the witching hour. As these beings swooped down in front of my truck and off into the darkness, their numbers has grown. Now I was encountering dozens of them. Their movements were meant to intimidate me yet I always knew I was safe. The experiences were disturbing to say the least.
I realize my description of these events is scant. It's hard to describe supernatural events in human terms. Then Friday night as I watched Ghost Whisperer I saw a human interpretation of these beings. On the show they called them shadow people. It's not the name that stuck with me but the picture they used to portray them.
While that portrayal was limited by the confines of the human imagination and computer wizardry, the form they used was close to what I experienced. The beings on television had solid lines to their form, the supernatural beings do not. The forms, however, were the same. Their essence is not restricted in that manner. It bleeds off into the world around them.
After these experiences I find myself wondering, "Why now?" It's been a long time sine I worked through this stuff and even longer since I left the cult community. Clearly I am in their radar for something...........or this never would have happened.
Showing posts with label Holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Holidays. Show all posts
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Birthdays
It's my birthday today and I'm really dreading it. I didn't used to dread birthday's. I really loved them..........all birthdays. From the time I was little birthday's were a big deal to me.
The summer my dad died I was only twelve and I pulled together this huge surprise birthday party for my mother because I thought she deserved it. Then I made sure each one of my siblings had a birthday party as well. No one's birthday ever got by me.
When I grew up and had my own kids, birthdays were still a big deal to me. First birthday parties were a blast and I couldn't wait for my kids to get old enough to really appreciate their birthdays but that's not what really happened.
My kids grew up expecting big birthday celebrations........almost to the point of demanding them sometimes. And the other thing about my kids, the only birthday important to them was their own.
My birthday would come and go every year and no one noticed. I didn't get a card, a cake or even a birthday wish most of the time. They'd remember their dad's birthday but only because I was there prodding them along.
Then when I got into therapy the inequity of this whole situation really hit me. I began to realize that they were all taking advantage of my heart and giving nothing in return so I quit celebrating their birthdays. I guess I thought if they knew how it felt they might realize that birthday celebrations weren't something you're entitled to but something given out of love. Maybe they'd realize ALL birthdays were special not just theirs.
Instead they just got resentful and the whole birthday thing just totally dried up around here. Most of my kids are grown and gone and they celebrate birthdays away from here. But birthdays here are unimportant and I must admit a very hurtful time.
I can't seem to understand how I managed to raise 3.5 kids (somehow I don't know how to see Lindsay in this hence the .5 child) who care about others but not their own family. I know that my husband is part of this problem. While I always made sure his birthdays were a big deal, he not often remembered mine so the kids didn't get that example from him. But they got it from me, Didn't that count?
I guess this whole thing is one of the reasons I feel distant from my children, at least the older ones. Sometimes I'm not sure where Nick fits into this but Lindsay, there's no distance, thank God! But the older two most of the time are like two strangers I see a couple of times a year. It's really sad. And for me, my birthday is a reminder of that. Guess that's why I dread birthdays so. I'm not only getting older and running out of time but it's another reminder of the mess of my earlier life.
The summer my dad died I was only twelve and I pulled together this huge surprise birthday party for my mother because I thought she deserved it. Then I made sure each one of my siblings had a birthday party as well. No one's birthday ever got by me.
When I grew up and had my own kids, birthdays were still a big deal to me. First birthday parties were a blast and I couldn't wait for my kids to get old enough to really appreciate their birthdays but that's not what really happened.
My kids grew up expecting big birthday celebrations........almost to the point of demanding them sometimes. And the other thing about my kids, the only birthday important to them was their own.
My birthday would come and go every year and no one noticed. I didn't get a card, a cake or even a birthday wish most of the time. They'd remember their dad's birthday but only because I was there prodding them along.
Then when I got into therapy the inequity of this whole situation really hit me. I began to realize that they were all taking advantage of my heart and giving nothing in return so I quit celebrating their birthdays. I guess I thought if they knew how it felt they might realize that birthday celebrations weren't something you're entitled to but something given out of love. Maybe they'd realize ALL birthdays were special not just theirs.
Instead they just got resentful and the whole birthday thing just totally dried up around here. Most of my kids are grown and gone and they celebrate birthdays away from here. But birthdays here are unimportant and I must admit a very hurtful time.
I can't seem to understand how I managed to raise 3.5 kids (somehow I don't know how to see Lindsay in this hence the .5 child) who care about others but not their own family. I know that my husband is part of this problem. While I always made sure his birthdays were a big deal, he not often remembered mine so the kids didn't get that example from him. But they got it from me, Didn't that count?
I guess this whole thing is one of the reasons I feel distant from my children, at least the older ones. Sometimes I'm not sure where Nick fits into this but Lindsay, there's no distance, thank God! But the older two most of the time are like two strangers I see a couple of times a year. It's really sad. And for me, my birthday is a reminder of that. Guess that's why I dread birthdays so. I'm not only getting older and running out of time but it's another reminder of the mess of my earlier life.
Friday, January 2, 2009
New Year's Reflections on 2008
Despite a bout of writer's block somewhere in late spring, through the summer and beyond, I still managed to post 132 entries in 2008. The same number as my first year blogging. I did manage to remember my One Year Anniversary! I guess that's something considering the effort it had become to eek out a post.
New Year's 2008 I had big expectations for myself ........ New Year's Arrived Now Let's Get On with It! Am I any closer to getting at that box with my journals and drawings? Well........maybe...... I have completed the hard part but still don't have that box unburied. If it takes much longer to heal from this stupid surgery, I may just get there though....... I have, however, been working on that second chapter in my head. There may be a book yet!
I think it's safe to say my posts got more personal in 2008 despite my decreased writing. Ramblings on Unraveling certainly let it all hang out. The lowest month of all for posts was September when I only managed 3 entries. One of those was about my relationship with my husband, Dave. It's Complicated.......... In 2008 other problems with relationships in my family surfaced She Knows How to Deal with a Multiple and What's REALLY the Matter.............. definitely exposed unresolved issues between my daughter and me.
Even though my posting got sparse there were still posts with messages like Life Lesson and Good Ideas Gone Wrong some with a personal element about my family like this one Boundaries and the Subconscious Mind
There was lots and lots of processing for me through this blog but for the life of me don't know why I didn't label it as such. Letting Go and Self Preservation ended up labeled In Process amazing how my parts think alike....but not just quite the same. I'll have to do some fixing.
I feared that my writer's block would alienate my readers. My readership dropped along with the comments. That only added to the difficulty I was having getting my mind going in this direction and away from Depression The subject did get some attention but looking at my blog stats I would say it started a whole lot farther back than I ever noticed or posted.
My Surgery got some time and I even stepped up This one is for JIP It may be a pain in my b*tt but it did get me back to posting. In December I actually managed 27 whole posts, not bad for a woman on drugs.....maybe it was BECAUSE I am a woman on drugs......what do you think?
There were posts about things long forgotten but triggered by other bloggers Reporting Abuse........My Story and even a little humor. Out of the Mouths of Babes.......... and of course, More Meme's 31 Things Meme and don't forget the true crime Adam Walsh's Murder Finally Solved
There were some questions A Question about What's Real but not nearly as many as there had been in 2007. Does that mean I get to blame some of my blogging buddies for my lack of posts? LOL
Before it was all said and done I even shared some personal stuff belonging to my inner kids. A Time for Children 2008 was definitely a monumental year in it's own right.
I hope I'll keep on moving forward in 2009. I'd like to keep up a regular schedule of posting. There's a lot going on in my life. I hope to be back to working horses soon but my you know what is taking it's own sweet time healing.
If I should get stalled again, I hope some of my readers will kick me in the b*tt (but carefully, please) and remind me what was behind that last weak stretch of posting. If there are any questions, those will be appreciated too. It does take some work to shift my gears from horses to internal work. Hopefully 2009 won't see me sacrificing either one of those.
New Year's 2008 I had big expectations for myself ........ New Year's Arrived Now Let's Get On with It! Am I any closer to getting at that box with my journals and drawings? Well........maybe...... I have completed the hard part but still don't have that box unburied. If it takes much longer to heal from this stupid surgery, I may just get there though....... I have, however, been working on that second chapter in my head. There may be a book yet!
I think it's safe to say my posts got more personal in 2008 despite my decreased writing. Ramblings on Unraveling certainly let it all hang out. The lowest month of all for posts was September when I only managed 3 entries. One of those was about my relationship with my husband, Dave. It's Complicated.......... In 2008 other problems with relationships in my family surfaced She Knows How to Deal with a Multiple and What's REALLY the Matter.............. definitely exposed unresolved issues between my daughter and me.
Even though my posting got sparse there were still posts with messages like Life Lesson and Good Ideas Gone Wrong some with a personal element about my family like this one Boundaries and the Subconscious Mind
There was lots and lots of processing for me through this blog but for the life of me don't know why I didn't label it as such. Letting Go and Self Preservation ended up labeled In Process amazing how my parts think alike....but not just quite the same. I'll have to do some fixing.
I feared that my writer's block would alienate my readers. My readership dropped along with the comments. That only added to the difficulty I was having getting my mind going in this direction and away from Depression The subject did get some attention but looking at my blog stats I would say it started a whole lot farther back than I ever noticed or posted.
My Surgery got some time and I even stepped up This one is for JIP It may be a pain in my b*tt but it did get me back to posting. In December I actually managed 27 whole posts, not bad for a woman on drugs.....maybe it was BECAUSE I am a woman on drugs......what do you think?
There were posts about things long forgotten but triggered by other bloggers Reporting Abuse........My Story and even a little humor. Out of the Mouths of Babes.......... and of course, More Meme's 31 Things Meme and don't forget the true crime Adam Walsh's Murder Finally Solved
There were some questions A Question about What's Real but not nearly as many as there had been in 2007. Does that mean I get to blame some of my blogging buddies for my lack of posts? LOL
Before it was all said and done I even shared some personal stuff belonging to my inner kids. A Time for Children 2008 was definitely a monumental year in it's own right.
I hope I'll keep on moving forward in 2009. I'd like to keep up a regular schedule of posting. There's a lot going on in my life. I hope to be back to working horses soon but my you know what is taking it's own sweet time healing.
If I should get stalled again, I hope some of my readers will kick me in the b*tt (but carefully, please) and remind me what was behind that last weak stretch of posting. If there are any questions, those will be appreciated too. It does take some work to shift my gears from horses to internal work. Hopefully 2009 won't see me sacrificing either one of those.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
New Year's Reflections on 2007
Nope that's not a typo, these reflections are going to be on 2007. Since I began posting in that year and never even thought about reflecting on those posts last year, I think that's where I'm going to start.
With the dawning of the New Year, I find myself looking back at the past. Maybe it's because I'm bored stuck sitting here trying to heal from surgery instead of out doing the physical things that make me happy. Maybe it's because times are tough right now. I'm not sure which. But when a reader commented on Triggers that maybe I could post references to some of my older posts, it gave me a gentle nudge to follow that thinking back.
I might be a bit late with this. It probably would have been better suited to a New Year's Eve post but this reflection is what it is. (That's a phrase used readily by my new horse friend, Richard. I find it fits well into my vanacular.) I think I'm going to begin a tradition right here and now.......at the ending of the year, I'm going to do some reflecting. Then starting the new year I'm going to look towards the future. Maybe that's what all that celebrating is about........the liberation that comes with letting go.
I began posting on this blog in July of 2007 with A Little History The first of 132 posts in 20007 about my roots,my journey and, or course, my opinions. . Although that first post didn't tell the nature of my abuse, even im my early posts there were those about satanism like Believe It or Not - Ritualistic Abuse and how they manipulated my belief in God, What Has God Got to Do with It? .
I've posted some philosophical things Clouds, Storms, Rainbows and Me and some things about my relationships More Recent History & My Most Recent Creation and some opinions about my MPD So You're Not Buying MPD's a Gift!
Somethings have not changed since those early posts.Fitting In............Or Not! ....sound familiar! I answered lots of questions Questions, Lots of Questions and I posted my thoughts on crime Mass Murders Close to Home
I even did a Meme or two...no, maybe that was on my horse blog. I'm not sure I got tagged here more than once......why else would I use that man exclaimation points? I've Been Tagged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I watched other multiples struggling with guilt over what other parts had done. Knowing that some parts are really trapped into doing what they do, I began a series of posts Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns hoping others could understand "how" their parts could look evil but really be just caught in a trap.
It was a pretty monumental year looking back at it. I can't believe I covered all those things. Yet there are lots more posts I'd still like to share. Maybe if you all think it's helpful I'll do some more of this referencing those older posts. What do you think??
For today this reflection on 2007 needs to visit blogger and become a real post. I'll post reflections on 2008 tomorrow. It's interesting to see the differences and the similiarities between the two years.
I wish all of you a very Happy New Year!
With the dawning of the New Year, I find myself looking back at the past. Maybe it's because I'm bored stuck sitting here trying to heal from surgery instead of out doing the physical things that make me happy. Maybe it's because times are tough right now. I'm not sure which. But when a reader commented on Triggers that maybe I could post references to some of my older posts, it gave me a gentle nudge to follow that thinking back.
I might be a bit late with this. It probably would have been better suited to a New Year's Eve post but this reflection is what it is. (That's a phrase used readily by my new horse friend, Richard. I find it fits well into my vanacular.) I think I'm going to begin a tradition right here and now.......at the ending of the year, I'm going to do some reflecting. Then starting the new year I'm going to look towards the future. Maybe that's what all that celebrating is about........the liberation that comes with letting go.
I began posting on this blog in July of 2007 with A Little History The first of 132 posts in 20007 about my roots,my journey and, or course, my opinions. . Although that first post didn't tell the nature of my abuse, even im my early posts there were those about satanism like Believe It or Not - Ritualistic Abuse and how they manipulated my belief in God, What Has God Got to Do with It? .
I've posted some philosophical things Clouds, Storms, Rainbows and Me and some things about my relationships More Recent History & My Most Recent Creation and some opinions about my MPD So You're Not Buying MPD's a Gift!
Somethings have not changed since those early posts.Fitting In............Or Not! ....sound familiar! I answered lots of questions Questions, Lots of Questions and I posted my thoughts on crime Mass Murders Close to Home
I even did a Meme or two...no, maybe that was on my horse blog. I'm not sure I got tagged here more than once......why else would I use that man exclaimation points? I've Been Tagged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I watched other multiples struggling with guilt over what other parts had done. Knowing that some parts are really trapped into doing what they do, I began a series of posts Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns hoping others could understand "how" their parts could look evil but really be just caught in a trap.
It was a pretty monumental year looking back at it. I can't believe I covered all those things. Yet there are lots more posts I'd still like to share. Maybe if you all think it's helpful I'll do some more of this referencing those older posts. What do you think??
For today this reflection on 2007 needs to visit blogger and become a real post. I'll post reflections on 2008 tomorrow. It's interesting to see the differences and the similiarities between the two years.
I wish all of you a very Happy New Year!
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