Yesterday, I posted my survivor's meme, OK - I Give! Here's My Survivor's Meme and it occurred to me that these change from time to time depending on how I'm feeling and what kind of stress I am under. Keeping track of those changes and how my needs change is an important part of keeping myself on track.
I've known for years that part of keeping my self esteem up is related to how well I am doing at recognizing what my needs and wants might be, as well as what I do with that information. It isn't enough to just acknowledge them. It is important to be doing what I can to see that my needs are being met.
If I am not taking care of my needs, then I am not taking good care of myself. If I'm not taking good care of myself, my self esteem will suffer. From there it is a downward spiral. How far I go is directly dependant on how long it takes me to get back on track paying attention to my needs.
What that means to me is that I need to make a regular point of taking my emotional temperature. I need to review my needs and see if they have changed. I need to do what I can to see to it that I am on track at getting those needs met.
I know if I feel depressed (not that deep black hole stuff - just normal I"m a little low stuff) I need to look at those needs and maybe even make some adjustments to accommodate whatever has caused a funk in the first place. Sometimes it's an outside source and sometimes it's me, but either way going back over those needs and filling them always brings back up.
On the list of needs I posted in the meme, there were numerous references to horses. Obviously, that wouldn't be a need for a lot of folks and some might not even understand "why" that is such a big focus for me when the meme asked specifically to keep the needs geared towards being a survivor. But for me, horses are a big part of being able to keep myself on track and going in a positive direction.
Over the last two months, I have been pretty sick. Not with anything life threatening but sick enough to keep an "old bird" like me down. During this time, I have had little if any contact with my horses. Believe me I hit a pretty darn big funk over this!
I knew I couldn't go out to be with the horses because it made me feel worse physically but not doing so really threatens my centeredness. I compromised as much as I could by working on things in the house that are good for my horse business. Not one on one contact with the amazing creatures who feed my soul, but definitely a help towards this dream of mine. It was better than nothing.
I had to keep reminding myself, that I would be better off working at the computer than pushing myself to go to the barn. The few times I did push, I actually relapsed rather quickly so I didn't have to worry about big arguments from littles inside. Reminding them that pushing it was only going to make it an even longer time before I get to go back to work with the horses stopped inner arguments.
My point is not about me and the horses but about what I needed to do because of how this affects my system. I had to really rethink what my usual needs are. I had to find some things to do to help me deal with the fact that I couldn't spend time with my horses.
One of the things I did was went through all of my horse pictures and put them into chronological order. That was a huge task but getting a chance to see baby pictures of some of these grown horses did bring a smile to my face. Those pictures helped stir up some memories that are really good ones for us. That was helpful too.
Other things on my list had to be modified as well. I needed more sleep time. Had to allow time for a nap or two or three, depending on the day. I changed my diet some to accommodate how I was feeling. And I spent more time on the phone talking horses to friends. I adjusted to meet my current needs.
Next week those needs may have changed again. Who knows where they'll be in a year. The one thing I know for sure is that if I find myself having a hard time because of flashbacks, a financial setback, or lousy weather etc, the first thing I will do is figure out what my needs are so I can begin finding ways to fill them.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression
Showing posts with label Self Esteem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self Esteem. Show all posts
Friday, January 18, 2008
Sunday, January 6, 2008
More Talk about Self Esteem
Self Esteem - it is the regard that we hold for ourselves. It is not the way others see us or how we want others to see us. It is how we see ourselves. It does not come from outside sources although it can be influenced by them.
Wikipedia's definition In psychology, self-esteem reflects a person's overall self-appraisal of their own worth.
Self-esteem encompasses both beliefs (for example, "I am competent/incompetent") and emotions (for example: triumph/despair, pride/shame). Behavior may reflect self-esteem, in (for example: assertiveness/timorousness, confidence/caution).
This link for Improving self esteem has a wealth of information on the subject. I would strongly suggest that you all read it carefully. I think this is as solid and yet as simplified an explanation of self esteem as I have ever seen.
Healthy self-esteem is based on our ability to assess ourselves accurately (know ourselves) and still be able to accept and to value ourselves unconditionally. This means being able to realistically acknowledge our strengths and limitations (which is part of being human) and at the same time accepting ourselves as worthy and worthwhile without conditions or reservations.
There are no short cuts for a victim to reach this kind or personal acceptance. It is an ongoing process and I believe, for victims probably more than others, it is an easy gain to relinquish!
Because we have carried our conditioning of negative self esteem throughout our lives, it is easy to fall back into those old patterns. Victims must keep up a constant vigilance to keep themselves on track.
For me if I find myself not being productive, my self talk is the first place I look. What is going on in my head? Nine times out of ten, I'm probably keeping myself down. It doesn't happen often and can be triggered by outside things.
Recently I had a bad accident followed by a severe bout with a cold. Towards the end of the cold I can't even tell you whether the cold was keeping me down or my old patterns. But I had to literally pick myself up and push myself out the door to get moving again. Once I got myself back on track, I felt much better. Still had a cough but emotionally I had gained a mile over the course of two hours! I had gone from feeling beaten to feeling happy and productive again.
Important aspects of this issue of self esteem are covered on the above site,
What Does Your "Inner Voice" Say?
THREE Faces of Low Self-Esteem
Consequences of Low Self-Esteem
Three Steps to Better Self-Esteem
Personally, I found the three faces of low self -esteem particularly interesting. Maybe because I have never seen the "impostor" defined before but have personal experience with someone who fits this to a tee. So it was reaffirming to see that my take on this pompous a** was defined by the experts! LOL
I also think that I probably wore all three of those faces at one time or another in my life. Or maybe I should say that with so many personalities, I covered all those bases. Either way, I know all aspects of those faces intimately.
The three steps to improve self esteem,
Step 1: Rebut the Inner Critic
Step 2: Practice Self-Nurturing
Step 3: Get Help from Others
have all been discussed on my blog. But I think the succinct format they used to show examples would be easily printed off and tucked away in a desk at work, a folder for school or wherever else easily accessible to be used as a constant reminder of how to deal with these issues.
The only way to heal one's self esteem is to follow all three of these steps. You cannot work on one and leave out the other and still arrive in the same place. Each has an integral part in the healing process.
There is no quick fix. It is a process just like therapy or training horses (lol) is a process. However, working through these steps will have lots of little rewards along the way. Those can help to keep us moving adding fuel to the quest for better self esteem.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did self esteem
Wikipedia's definition In psychology, self-esteem reflects a person's overall self-appraisal of their own worth.
Self-esteem encompasses both beliefs (for example, "I am competent/incompetent") and emotions (for example: triumph/despair, pride/shame). Behavior may reflect self-esteem, in (for example: assertiveness/timorousness, confidence/caution).
This link for Improving self esteem has a wealth of information on the subject. I would strongly suggest that you all read it carefully. I think this is as solid and yet as simplified an explanation of self esteem as I have ever seen.
Healthy self-esteem is based on our ability to assess ourselves accurately (know ourselves) and still be able to accept and to value ourselves unconditionally. This means being able to realistically acknowledge our strengths and limitations (which is part of being human) and at the same time accepting ourselves as worthy and worthwhile without conditions or reservations.
There are no short cuts for a victim to reach this kind or personal acceptance. It is an ongoing process and I believe, for victims probably more than others, it is an easy gain to relinquish!
Because we have carried our conditioning of negative self esteem throughout our lives, it is easy to fall back into those old patterns. Victims must keep up a constant vigilance to keep themselves on track.
For me if I find myself not being productive, my self talk is the first place I look. What is going on in my head? Nine times out of ten, I'm probably keeping myself down. It doesn't happen often and can be triggered by outside things.
Recently I had a bad accident followed by a severe bout with a cold. Towards the end of the cold I can't even tell you whether the cold was keeping me down or my old patterns. But I had to literally pick myself up and push myself out the door to get moving again. Once I got myself back on track, I felt much better. Still had a cough but emotionally I had gained a mile over the course of two hours! I had gone from feeling beaten to feeling happy and productive again.
Important aspects of this issue of self esteem are covered on the above site,
What Does Your "Inner Voice" Say?
THREE Faces of Low Self-Esteem
Consequences of Low Self-Esteem
Three Steps to Better Self-Esteem
Personally, I found the three faces of low self -esteem particularly interesting. Maybe because I have never seen the "impostor" defined before but have personal experience with someone who fits this to a tee. So it was reaffirming to see that my take on this pompous a** was defined by the experts! LOL
I also think that I probably wore all three of those faces at one time or another in my life. Or maybe I should say that with so many personalities, I covered all those bases. Either way, I know all aspects of those faces intimately.
The three steps to improve self esteem,
Step 1: Rebut the Inner Critic
Step 2: Practice Self-Nurturing
Step 3: Get Help from Others
have all been discussed on my blog. But I think the succinct format they used to show examples would be easily printed off and tucked away in a desk at work, a folder for school or wherever else easily accessible to be used as a constant reminder of how to deal with these issues.
The only way to heal one's self esteem is to follow all three of these steps. You cannot work on one and leave out the other and still arrive in the same place. Each has an integral part in the healing process.
There is no quick fix. It is a process just like therapy or training horses (lol) is a process. However, working through these steps will have lots of little rewards along the way. Those can help to keep us moving adding fuel to the quest for better self esteem.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did self esteem
Saturday, January 5, 2008
More on Self Esteem
In yesterday's post, Kahless Asks about Self Esteem I posted links to various older posts that all spoke to ways to improve one's self esteem. This subject is as complicated as they come. There are sooooo many ways that we undermine our self esteem without ever knowing it.
There is no simple fix. It is an ongoing process and each of us sees it a little bit differently. So while we might think we understand it, we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg.
My feeling about the way to break through that wall is by discussing the different views. Opening the subject up for discussion is bound to contribute more aspects to this complex subject.
Kahless volunteered with more information in the comments that is a situation that many victims face. I guess for me too, one of my destructive things is I look for approval from others. Particularly it seems at work at the moment. I look for it from the people who are never going to give it too, cos that is not that style. I try and try to say to myself to stop looking for approval where I am not going to get it.
And yet, she continues to look for that approval as do many victims. Just like we tend to hang in there with our family of origin hoping that things will get better, we hang in at work hoping they will finally provide us with what we want and need delivered in the way we want and need. We tell ourselves that "they" are the reason we don't feel good about the job we do, because they don't provide us with the praise we need.
In this situation we have totally turned over our personal power and put it into the hands of people who can not be trusted. There is no way those people at work are going to provide the kind of support the inner child of any victim needs. The expectation that they will is totally unrealistic.
When a child is victimized, their self esteem is damaged because the child buys the grooming done by the offender. The offender tells us we are garbage and deserve what we got. We buy it hook line and sinker because it is the only way we can feel that we have any power at all.
How that would apply to the issue of approval at work comes when you picture the small child waiting for approval from her/his offender. That child has learned she/he is less likely to be hurt if approval can be gained so the child learns to seek out that approval. If the child doesn't get approval, she/he frets worried about what might happen next. That approval is important to the child's well being. Looking for it, seeking it out, has been a good coping skill.
As adults we carry those inappropriate lessons and apply them liberally across our lives. We accepted them as truth as children, as adults we still go by those same rules.
Granted that may have been effective as a child, but as an adult that coping skill is no longer effective. The others around us are not "trained" to respond to our cues. Yet the inner child frets and worries about what might happen next and the downward spiral begins.
It is the coping skill that is the problem. The "rules" of our world have changed but the coping mechanism has not adjusted allowing for that change. Instead it fuels our demise, beating us up because we have not gained approval.
As adults, we have the power to accept that these coping skill are based on lies and discard them. Until we do so, our self esteem will suffer.
If you go to work feeling ineffective and insecure that is exactly what you will be. If you go to work and do the best job possible but still feel ineffective and insecure, your self esteem will suffer. Just doing good work isn't enough, we must acknowledge it for ourselves. We must be generous to our inner child and give her the credit she is due.
If you need more positive input about your abilities at work, you are going to have to be the one to provide those. The lack of respect for effectiveness on the job is your own inner message. It may be re-enforced because of the behavior of co-workers. BUT they couldn't shake your confidence if you had true confidence in the first place.
What comes to mind were my finals words in comments, Just remember, your self esteem is about your "self." Not those other people at work. That is the key. It is within us that self esteem must be repaired. It is never going to happen from some outside source. We must change our perceptions of our self.
If our self esteem is suffering, we must look to ourselves for the fix, not hand it off to someone nearby in the hope that they might just say the right thing. We are the ones causing that inner distress. We are the only ones that can fix it.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did self esteem
There is no simple fix. It is an ongoing process and each of us sees it a little bit differently. So while we might think we understand it, we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg.
My feeling about the way to break through that wall is by discussing the different views. Opening the subject up for discussion is bound to contribute more aspects to this complex subject.
Kahless volunteered with more information in the comments that is a situation that many victims face. I guess for me too, one of my destructive things is I look for approval from others. Particularly it seems at work at the moment. I look for it from the people who are never going to give it too, cos that is not that style. I try and try to say to myself to stop looking for approval where I am not going to get it.
And yet, she continues to look for that approval as do many victims. Just like we tend to hang in there with our family of origin hoping that things will get better, we hang in at work hoping they will finally provide us with what we want and need delivered in the way we want and need. We tell ourselves that "they" are the reason we don't feel good about the job we do, because they don't provide us with the praise we need.
In this situation we have totally turned over our personal power and put it into the hands of people who can not be trusted. There is no way those people at work are going to provide the kind of support the inner child of any victim needs. The expectation that they will is totally unrealistic.
When a child is victimized, their self esteem is damaged because the child buys the grooming done by the offender. The offender tells us we are garbage and deserve what we got. We buy it hook line and sinker because it is the only way we can feel that we have any power at all.
How that would apply to the issue of approval at work comes when you picture the small child waiting for approval from her/his offender. That child has learned she/he is less likely to be hurt if approval can be gained so the child learns to seek out that approval. If the child doesn't get approval, she/he frets worried about what might happen next. That approval is important to the child's well being. Looking for it, seeking it out, has been a good coping skill.
As adults we carry those inappropriate lessons and apply them liberally across our lives. We accepted them as truth as children, as adults we still go by those same rules.
Granted that may have been effective as a child, but as an adult that coping skill is no longer effective. The others around us are not "trained" to respond to our cues. Yet the inner child frets and worries about what might happen next and the downward spiral begins.
It is the coping skill that is the problem. The "rules" of our world have changed but the coping mechanism has not adjusted allowing for that change. Instead it fuels our demise, beating us up because we have not gained approval.
As adults, we have the power to accept that these coping skill are based on lies and discard them. Until we do so, our self esteem will suffer.
If you go to work feeling ineffective and insecure that is exactly what you will be. If you go to work and do the best job possible but still feel ineffective and insecure, your self esteem will suffer. Just doing good work isn't enough, we must acknowledge it for ourselves. We must be generous to our inner child and give her the credit she is due.
If you need more positive input about your abilities at work, you are going to have to be the one to provide those. The lack of respect for effectiveness on the job is your own inner message. It may be re-enforced because of the behavior of co-workers. BUT they couldn't shake your confidence if you had true confidence in the first place.
What comes to mind were my finals words in comments, Just remember, your self esteem is about your "self." Not those other people at work. That is the key. It is within us that self esteem must be repaired. It is never going to happen from some outside source. We must change our perceptions of our self.
If our self esteem is suffering, we must look to ourselves for the fix, not hand it off to someone nearby in the hope that they might just say the right thing. We are the ones causing that inner distress. We are the only ones that can fix it.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did self esteem
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