Invisible

It was the strangest experience being gone for that long and by myself most of the time. I hate being alone and I was resigned to that. However, I just hadn't expected the internal reaction I got from being surrounded by people yet still very much alone.

With nearly two thousand horses at this show there were plenty of people around me. It was hard to go anywhere without bumping into folks. Yet with the focus as intense as it can be at a national horse show , they were pretty involved with doing their own thing. Even those people I knew were mere passing blips on the radar for some kind of human connection. The people I was stabled with were kind but not friendly. My only interactions with them were pretty much at my instigation and brief. It was a solitary and uncomfortable time.

Fortunately I had lots to do. With three horses to care for just the maintenance work could take most of the day. Add in schooling times and unexpected "issues" surrounding the horses and there really wasn't even much time to watch classes.

I had hoped to see more of the national championships. I love watching classes at horse show. However, even that activity is something more enjoyable shared with a friend. When I did get the opportunity I was painfully aware of the difference partaking in this activity by myself.

Cleaning stalls has always been a reflective time for me. I'm not sure in this particular situation that was a good thing. I spent many an hour keenly aware of my discomfort in a time that should have been gratifying. I found myself wondering if this dream as currently interpreted is what I really want after all.

Somewhere near the end of this experience it dawned on me the source of the agony I was experiencing. Even with people everywhere I was feeling invisible.

Being invisible can be a form of comfort to many who have experienced abuse. However, for me being invisible was a form of punishment. To be ignored in such a manner meant that I was unworthy to be alive......to breathe.........to love. These maybe old messages from a time long past but they still have a dark hold on me. That was clearly evidenced in the emotional roller coaster ride I took on this trip.

Weary Traveller

I am finally home. It seems like I've been gone forever when it's only been seventeen days. Regardless, I am exhausted after leaving Tulsa on Sunday morning at 8 am and arriving here at just before noon today. Taking time zones into account that's fifty-eight hours of travel time.

I am safe and the horses are safe. Although I would say that at least some of us are worse for wear due to this experience. Details to follow when I've gotten a chance to sleep.

Lift Off

Just a quick post to say the count down is over and we have lift off. If that doesn't make any sense to you it translates to I will be leaving in the morning for Tulsa.

Dave is letting me take his laptop so I hope to be doing some posting from Tulsa. It looks like I'll be getting there in about four days. Hopefully I'll get some sleep over that time and it won't take me a week to recuperate from the trip. I'll be checking in when I can........wish me luck..........

Traveling Along..........One Way or Another.........

While I'm sailing along here trying to get all the last minute stuff done for this trip, I find myself too busy to think about much else. Considering all the things that I've been tortured with lately this is a relief.

I am still worrying about making this trip. I thought I had things figured out but things have changed. The trainer I am going to meet up with is planning on driving straight through. That would be 1700 miles without stopping to sleep. I'm not sure my body can handle that. I may have to find a place to lay over and finish the trip by myself.

I am still hoping someone will magically appear to ride along with me. However, there doesn't seem to be much chance of that. The prospect of doing this alone re enforces the aloneness I feel in the world. "If I was like normal people, I'd have a friend to ride with me" is a pretty strong message.

I was reading a book on DID last night. In it there was mention of the aloneness that those with DID all seem to share. There are times knowing that I'm at least not alone in something would be comforting but right now...........not so much.

I find myself running over in my head what keeps me isolated. The thing that seems to resonate most is that I really don't know how to do it any other way. I am just not comfortable with girl talk, shopping or the like. All of those things that seem to bond women to each other just are not important to me. I am much more familiar with trying to figure out how to survive.

The way that "girl friends" hurt each other over trivial things doesn't look appealing to me much either. Betrayal is betrayal in my book and I either can't or won't give that up. What I want in a relationship is far more intimate than that. I guess I would rather have nothing than settle for less than what I really want......

More Processing...........

Currently I am just trying to keep focused on nationals. If I can just get there and show my horses maybe something will break loose and I'll get some cash flow going. If not I'll have to deal with that then.

As for all these other things, I'm still trying to figure things out. While horses have been good therapy for me, these upheavals lately have really compromised that. I'm trying to find a way to get myself centered again and back on track.

The thing that keeps running through my mind is closing myself off to protect myself. Bringing my horse thing down to a point I don't need to rely on anyone else might be more manageable. Only I'm not sure that isn't giving up on my dream and a betrayal of myself.

The dream started out wanting an Arabian horse. Over the years it has grown and changed. Now it is a much bigger scale and the scale really feels right to me. It is the backlash I have gotten that has affected me.

Obviously I cannot take care of all of these horses by myself. To have help is going to take money. Money is something I do not have. If I can't generate enough to accomplish this something will have to give.

I still haven't figured out what that something will be. Will it be my dream? Or will it be me? Can I still get "there" if I continue on this roller coaster ride? Or will the cost be too great? More questions without answers. Only time will tell.........

More Complications

Not long ago Angie, Richard, Dave and I had a meeting. Richard had decided we needed a meeting before we continue our relationship. The need for this meeting had arisen because I had asked a question that Richard had taken differently than I intended.

The questions was "Are we working horses today or not.?" Richard took it that I was accusing him of not doing right by our agreement. While I have felt that he's not been taking care of our business lately, that was not the motivation of that question at the time. It was strictly about my time and deciding how I was spending it that day.

During the course of this meeting it became clear that Angie and Richard have decided that Rachel is a great kid. While that might be true it doesn't change the fact that she does not treat me any differently than her mother does. She is defensive about everything and anything I say to her, making a productive relationship impossible.

Angie was loaded with instances that she saw as me being the problem in my relationship with Rachel. She didn't know what was behind these instances or anything more than what she saw but she still sided with Rachel. After our discussion she saw things differently but I doubt it will change her jumping to conclusions in the future.

She also made the comment that I am supposed to be the adult. Granted she was trying to be helpful but at the same time how helpful can one be taking sides. If she was actively trying to see both sides, I might see her as helpful but it is clear that's not the case.

I explained to Angie how being the adult does not protect me from my feelings being linked with physical torture. I must protect myself if I am to survive and that both Rachel and Colleen are aware that this linking is a problem but fail to consider it in their decisions. They still proceed with things that could have a compromise and not cause me any pain. Yet they are more interested in being in control than working things out.

I really don't believe it is anyone's problem that I have this issue. However, I do believe that if you care for someone, you take their issues into account when it is appropriate. For Rachel and Colleen to ignore their behavior towards me can trigger that physical torture linking seems unfeeling and is the reason I chose to keep my distance from them. Whether or not Angie and Richard really get that I don't know but so far I think not.

Like I said before, I think Richard and Angie both have placed themselves right smack in the middle of the issues with my daughter and my granddaughter. While I have been trying to deal with the external assaults on my business, I have also been trying to wade through this mess in my daily life. I am in this situation five days a week. It affects me both personally and within my business.

If that isn't enough, Angie recently did something I consider to be unethical. She bought something out from underneath me that I really needed and she knew it was intended for me. Still it was something she wanted so she took it knowing full well it had been promised to me.

This betrayal has had a powerful effect on me. I no longer feel safe using their facility at all. Yet, not using it will make things difficult in getting done what I need to with my horses not to mention the fact that I am "supposed" to be there for at least another year. What I'm going to do about this, I"m still trying to get figured out.

That leaves me with not just the issue with them being in the middle with my daughter and granddaughter but there is this other personal betrayal as well. It is no wonder I do not feel safe and my world is feeling like it's turning upside down. A week hasn't gone by since the turmoil started in June when some new twist has not been thrown into the mix. It's no wonder I don't know which way is up or which way I should turn.

More Stuff

Something occurred to me this morning that I really hadn't seen. Before I get into this epiphany, I probably should start with a little history. The major players are those same ones that have been knocking around for months...... my granddaughter, Rachel, her mother, Colleen, along with Richard and Angie, the people who own the facility where I ride.

Richard has been helping me get young horses started under saddle. You would think that could be accomplished without involving my daughter or my granddaughter and in the beginning that seemed to be the case. However, over the course of the last year the other players in that environment have changed. Jessica, Richard's original "dead weight" candidate is no longer there nor is Cody his second choice. Pretty much the predominate player (kid under the mentorship program) now in Angie and Richard's lives turns out to be my granddaughter, Rachel.

Now, I don't know if I stated this here before but Colleen and Rachel got involved at Angie and Richard's at my request. As much as I wanted to distance Rachel and Colleen from me and my horses, I didn't want them to lose horses in their lives AND I wanted them on the right track. I made the recommendations that got them started with both their what was supposed to be their first horse and the help they needed to make that work. That help was Richard.

In the beginning I was told they (Angie and Richard) did not want their involvement with Colleen and Rachel to interfere with their friendship with me. Before they would allow that to happen they would ask my granddaughter and my daughter to leave. They only took on Rachel with this new horse because I asked. I thought that meant I would be safe and maybe there would be some hope that all of this could get resolved.

However, that has not turned out to be the case. Over this past year, they have taken Rachel under their wing and decided she needs to be protected from her mother. In doing that Rachel appears to be living with Angie and Richard most of the time. She has become like one of their children, so to speak, and they now rarely see her issues with me. Those issues seem to have become solely "my problem."

As part of this thing with Rachel and I being in the same place, I have made it clear that I do not want Rachel involved with my horses. As long as she does not respect me, I don't want her reaping the benefits of my horses. Just because she respects Richard and Angie does not mean she has learned or gained any new respect for me despite Richard's instance that is the case.

The two main issues here have to do with Richard using 'dead weight' to start horses with Rachel now being his only competent source of "dead weight" and me not wanting Rachel involved with my horses. Now is the time of the year when we need to be getting young stock broke to ride.........and Richard says I have tied his hands by not allowing him to utilize Rachel.

It didn't really occur to me until this morning that I need to tell Richard Rachel is the one who has tied his hands. He is blaming me for the situation instead of seeing it as a consequence of Rachel's bad behavior towards me. He certainly is in the position he could tell Rachel she needs to shape up.........but he refuses to "get in the middle." Funny it sounds to me like right smack dab in the middle is exactly where he has placed himself. What do you think?