I was thinking about my last post, Decisions........... and the fact I lumped most of my family within the scope of that post. Thinking about it now, I think I show do some clarifying about what I said.
The title of the post, Decisions, might make it sound like I made more than one decision at this time. That is not, however, what I did. I actually made the same decision to include my daughter and her family in the list of those family members that I keep my distance from. The rest of those on that list, I decided about many years ago. This newest decision was the most difficult because it involves one of my own children and my grandchildren.
I did not come by this decision lightly and I didn't actually push anyone away. The distance had already been imposed by my daughter who has not really spoken to me since she hung up on me sometime last summer.
I have posted about the issues that I thought were developing between my daughter and me. One of them, Betrayal was just at the beginning of me really realizing the differences between my daughter's values and mine. While I didn't have answers when I did that post, all I had was my feelings about an evolving situation, I probably "should" have realized where things were heading.
It was only as I began to learn of my daughter's involvement with "those people" around my recent lawsuit, that I began to see what I should have seen much earlier. There really has been no healing on the part of my daughter from things long since past. Her patterns of blaming me for her problems is still very much at play in how she navigates the world.
I thought the two of us were getting closer over the past few years. From the point I began teaching my granddaughter to ride, I thought our relationship over horses was healing our personal relationship. It turns out that I was wrong. It is obvious there has been no healing on her part. She is still very much set on punishing me for things that do not go her way.
From her days as a teenager whacked out on drugs to now, the only thing that seems to have changed in her behaviors is she is no longer doing drugs. She is still a victim and living by the rules of victimization. Her personal power is constantly manipulated to make it look like she is powerless. Life is something that is done to her, not something she lives. AND I am the source of her pain, IT is my fault.
Playing the victim all the time seems to work for her. It is a skill she has honed to a fine art and unfortunately she has passed it on to her children. The way the truth has been manipulated to support their behavior has not only shocked me but broken my heart in a way I'm sure my posts these last months has reflected.
It has been a difficult dark time, this realization that our relationship was based on a lie. My daughter has not healed nor forgiven despite years of counseling. Every thing she has done has been for a reason, to obtain a desired result, to manipulate, to gain my trust where it wasn't really deserved.
I was not ready nor prepared for the discovery that nothing had changed in our relationship over all these years. Nor was I prepared for the fact that my grandchildren were actively involved in helping to paint that picture of me as someone who I am not. I DO NOT NOW or have I ever hated my daughter or my grandchildren, nor am I the ogre she tries to make me. Them saying I am, will never make it so.
I am not going to go into all of the facts that have come to light that have made it clear how manipulative and dishonest my daughter actually is but I am going to say I have learned enough to know that the best place for me is at the distance my daughter has delegated me to, both from her and from her children.
I have no expectations that my daughter or her children will ever seek a real relationship with me. Should the day ever come that any of them are willing to step up and take responsibility for themselves and their lives, I will be there ready to help. I will not, however, open myself up again to having my heart stomped on. My expectations will not change until I have learned they have truly changed. In the meantime I will continue to protect my heart in whatever ways necessary.