Friday, January 7, 2011

A Little Bit of Clarification

I was thinking about my last post, Decisions........... and the fact I lumped most of my family within the scope of that post. Thinking about it now, I think I show do some clarifying about what I said.

The title of the post, Decisions, might make it sound like I made more than one decision at this time. That is not, however, what I did. I actually made the same decision to include my daughter and her family in the list of those family members that I keep my distance from. The rest of those on that list, I decided about many years ago. This newest decision was the most difficult because it involves one of my own children and my grandchildren.

I did not come by this decision lightly and I didn't actually push anyone away. The distance had already been imposed by my daughter who has not really spoken to me since she hung up on me sometime last summer.

I have posted about the issues that I thought were developing between my daughter and me. One of them, Betrayal was just at the beginning of me really realizing the differences between my daughter's values and mine. While I didn't have answers when I did that post, all I had was my feelings about an evolving situation, I probably "should" have realized where things were heading.

It was only as I began to learn of my daughter's involvement with "those people" around my recent lawsuit, that I began to see what I should have seen much earlier. There really has been no healing on the part of my daughter from things long since past. Her patterns of blaming me for her problems is still very much at play in how she navigates the world.

I thought the two of us were getting closer over the past few years. From the point I began teaching my granddaughter to ride, I thought our relationship over horses was healing our personal relationship. It turns out that I was wrong. It is obvious there has been no healing on her part. She is still very much set on punishing me for things that do not go her way.

From her days as a teenager whacked out on drugs to now, the only thing that seems to have changed in her behaviors is she is no longer doing drugs. She is still a victim and living by the rules of victimization. Her personal power is constantly manipulated to make it look like she is powerless. Life is something that is done to her, not something she lives. AND I am the source of her pain, IT is my fault.

Playing the victim all the time seems to work for her. It is a skill she has honed to a fine art and unfortunately she has passed it on to her children. The way the truth has been manipulated to support their behavior has not only shocked me but broken my heart in a way I'm sure my posts these last months has reflected.

It has been a difficult dark time, this realization that our relationship was based on a lie. My daughter has not healed nor forgiven despite years of counseling. Every thing she has done has been for a reason, to obtain a desired result, to manipulate, to gain my trust where it wasn't really deserved.

I was not ready nor prepared for the discovery that nothing had changed in our relationship over all these years. Nor was I prepared for the fact that my grandchildren were actively involved in helping to paint that picture of me as someone who I am not. I DO NOT NOW or have I ever hated my daughter or my grandchildren, nor am I the ogre she tries to make me. Them saying I am, will never make it so.

I am not going to go into all of the facts that have come to light that have made it clear how manipulative and dishonest my daughter actually is but I am going to say I have learned enough to know that the best place for me is at the distance my daughter has delegated me to, both from her and from her children.

I have no expectations that my daughter or her children will ever seek a real relationship with me. Should the day ever come that any of them are willing to step up and take responsibility for themselves and their lives, I will be there ready to help. I will not, however, open myself up again to having my heart stomped on. My expectations will not change until I have learned they have truly changed. In the meantime I will continue to protect my heart in whatever ways necessary.


Muddy K said...

It's hard to say something meaningful when I don't know much of the story, but I do know this. It takes bravery and strength to live as the person you are, not the person others want you to be. It takes bravery and strength to go on as yourself when others abandon you because you can't play a part in their delusions.

You can never do anything that amounts to erasing who you are, not for any one, not for any reason. I think you have the strength to resist that, even if it means letting go of people who need you to be less than you are so they can be more than they are.


English Rider said...

It is obviously hurtful and disappointing that your daughter has not evolved into the Human you would wish her to be. Although not an excuse, I heard a recovering addict say that his development had been arrested whilst he was on drugs. No experiences were learned from as they were buffered by his drug taking. It made sense.

Rising Rainbow said...

Muddy K, thanks for that. You are so right. It is difficult to do what I believe to be the right thing both for myself and my daughter. To continue on like nothing happened would be to enable her bad behavior and I will not do that either. Protecting myself from getting hurt is not my only motive.

English Rider, you are right about that. While my daughter quit druggs many years ago, she has still self medicated all this time.

While I know you aren't making excuses, for the sake of readers who might be looking for healthy information I think it's important to note that the addict choses to self medicate to avoid dealing with issues and they are still responsible for those choices.

My daughter is indeed an addict. While she talks like that is something from her past, she is still very much involved in self medicating practices. She just uses other things to achieve the desired result. It is very sad.

Anonymous said...

You have other children?

Rising Rainbow said...

63mago, yes, I do. I have 4 all together.

purple cupcakes said...

hey can you email me with your phione number as i wanted to call next week to cathc up and ive got a new phone and lost it somewhere on the old one adn cant retrieve it

Ivory said...

I agree with your decisions. You have to watch out for your well being. children, especially, should be more careful about who the are stepping on...

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

I'm so sorry this is happening. I lost my mother in April. I'm sorry that I didn't appreciate her like I should have. Knowing I'm never going to have another chance again, really put things into perspective--all the little petty things and control issues and jealousies, etc. were ridiculous on my part. It's really sad that we don't realize these things until it's too late. What a cliche'. I don't know what's the story about you and your daughter but have you tried counseling? A mother and daughter relationship is worth everything you can possibly do.

Rising Rainbow said...

Ivory, thank you for your support.

GP, I have tried everything I can think of including lots of years of counseling but counseling will only work if both parties want it to. My daughter is comfortable the way she is and unfortunately that includes a lot of dishonesty and not just emotional dishonesty. She has crossed some pretty serious lines and I am at a loss.

There is nothing I can do to help her because she doesn't think she needs it. She's going to have to figure out for herself that she's in a mess and the only thing that will get her out of it is changing her ways. I hope that day comes for her sake.

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

I'm sorry.

Rising Rainbow said...

GP, I'm sorry too. It's a sad situation for sure.

rachel neil said...

I liked reading your blog because you an i are very much alike.
See, I suffer from borderline personality disorder, so we have a personality disorder in common.

Allison said...

Hi, I'm just checking through your blogs. I want you to know you have a kindred spirit here in people who heal with God and horses. I'm not talking about 'just' the/my recent past, either.