One of the television shows I watch has been running a storyline about one of its main characters being raped in her office at work. It has been a realistic, dramatic portrayal from the beginning of the actual assault itself on through to how the victim has handled the situation.
Having been raped myself, you might think I'd stay away from what might push my buttons. Yet right from the beginning of my journey through recovery I've done exactly the opposite. I've utilized any and all triggers as a way to open up any wounds that need healing.
Now, many years after I've officially ceased therapy I am still drawn to things that are triggers for me. Sometimes I think I do it because it reaffirms for me that some people really do treat others as badly as I remember. Other times, maybe, I'm still working on accessing old wounds that need healing. Whatever it is, I found myself drawn to this storyline even though my family had hoped to avoid watching it.
In this particular drama the victim decided she didn't want anyone to know that she'd been raped. While she couldn't hide the fact she'd been badly beaten, she denied right from the start there was any rape. She just couldn't face people seeing her differently and was afraid of their pity. Her pride got in the way of doing what she needed to really heal.
Since I began my journey toward healing, I don't think pride has been my problem. It may have been at the root of the secrets held by some parts of me, but once I decided I was only as sick as my secrets, I was determined not to be captive to them anymore. When each new revelation became exposed I spilled my guts to anyone who would listen. I guess that was my way of taking my power back and getting free from the constraints inflicted upon me through the actions of others.
To be continued...............
A Little More on My Rape