Friday, July 18, 2008

Self Preservation

So with the current situation having pushed my old buttons and triggered old cult programming I find myself going into self preservation mode. That means that all the normal things I do to "deal" with my issues end up on hold while I just do what I can to be sure I hold things together.

This is not something that I've had to do in a very long time. Normally, I'm not a runner. I'm known for dealing with my issues even when it's difficult. Granted I pick and chose my battles when it comes to conftontation but I'm pretty much a what you see is what you get kind of person. I'm not a game player and if I have a problem with you, you're probably going to hear about it..........well, that is if you're someone important to me.

I'm not the kind of person who will stand by and watch something inappropriate happen. I'll be right in there stepping up and confronting the person who's out of line. Heck, I've been know to confront strangers abusing children in stores or the mall so dealing with my family and their stuff is usually right up my alley.

But since it's my family (daughter and granddaughter) that have pushed my old buttons, I've totally backed off of dealing with them. For the time being I'd be just as happy not to deal with them at all. I'm really walking on eggshells afraid of complicating things any worse than they are all ready.

That really bothers me. The last thing I want is to push them aside but it currently feels like I have to chose between them or my life. While it may not be the best choice in the word.........I have to go with chosing self preservation. Hopefully there will be a lifetime to repair this damage later when the current jeopardy is resolved.

My only fear is that the damage that has been done to my shadow children by my daughter and granddaughter will not be easily repaired. While those children do not come to the forefront, they have a lot to say about how my system functions. If they want walls in place to keep the world at a distance, walls are what they get. I'm afraid there's going to be a lot of remodeling in their castle.


Tamara said...


I so feel for you right now. This was devastating on so many levels. Definitely you have to protect yourself first. Once you are safe and have had time to work through some the hurt and pain then maybe a reconnection with your daughter and granddaughter will happen.

I hope you can find some wonderful things to do for yourself so that the shadow children do not have to construct too many walls.

Take good care,

Kahless said...

The most important thing you do do right now is look after yourself. Survival is a priority.


Frazzled Farm Wife said...

Hey, you gotta do what ya gotta do! It's time you put yourself first and take care of you!

jumpinginpuddles said...

We just dont know what to say we also have shadow children and not being completely sure of their role i can only sit here and sympathise with your ordeal but we are also the first to say we cannot truloy know how painful this is for you.
We can only offer continued support

keepers said...

self safety and preservation must be number one at this point and we will do whatever we can to help, including pray

peace and blessings


Lily Strange said...

My family has been pushing my buttons today, even my dearly beloved son. I have wanted to kick them all in the cojones.