Friday, August 24, 2007

More Recent History & My Most Recent Creation

I've been reading a couple of books on multiples that were given to me by a friend. I don't know if she bought them to learn more about me or because she thought she might be like me but none the less, she thought I might enjoy reading them.

I'm not sure that "enjoy" would be the right word but sometimes I do find them entertaining. For some reason, it amuses me when the books are so far off base from what I am like as a multiple. I guess not being predictable is important to me these days.

One of the things the usually jumps out at me about the books is whenever they refer to voices. I guess I've had voices in my head for so long, they really don't seem like anything more than thoughts to me. Let me say, important thoughts, because I sure don't want to make anyone angry or upset, but thought none the less.

I don't know how other multiples are in this regard but for me, I don't "see" and alter there along with the thought. For me, if I want to know where exactly something is coming from, it's kind of a lost cause.

To survive in my childhood environment, there could be no obvious differences between personalities. Nothing to tell anyone on the outside that there was any form of protection going on. I was who I was supposed to be on the outside even though on the inside I was separate and different.

I didn't carry knowledge over from the ritual abuse to home because that would have been deadly. But should someone confront me at home with something I should remember from the abuse, I had a historian who could retrieve the information and relay it but still protect the child at home from hearing it.

Even today, I'm never really sure who's affecting what I'm doing. Sometimes, I know someone is pulling me one way or another. Other times, I can put two and two together and figure out someone is exerting themselves.

The only personality that is really obvious to me is the one that hates my husband. That's right, I have a personality that really hates my husband. And she's not an old personality from my childhood. She was actually formed to deal with him.

For a time there in the beginning of our relationship even though we were in therapy together he was faking getting help. When that deceit was discovered the new personality was formed. Unfortunately she was formed before I had made any major gains in my therapy so she's an over reaction his deceit.

She has made our lives interesting. Teaching her balance in regards to Dave has not been easy because while he has finally done some growing he's not lived up to a lot of promises. He tends to take a step forward and then rests on his laurels for a while. She really doesn't like that much. She's a liberated woman with a manipulative man and she gives him what for. Sometimes I'm surprised that we are still together. But he has been so kind to the children, I think that saves him and the marriage but it doesn't save him from her wrath!


jumpinginpuddles said...

thanks for the inisight into you guys, interesting how each system is different and reacts to things differently.

Liquid said...

Awesome work! Thank you for visiting and for the comment. Have a super day! :)