Monday, September 22, 2008

It's Complicated..........

Or maybe I should say that I'm complicated. Being a multiple with my feelings walled off into little compartments can make life a bit confusing for me sometimes. However, I'm guessing it's not nearly as confusing for me as it is for the people who live with me.

As a reminder of this, earlier this week someone posted on my horse blog what a nice guy my husband, Dave, is. Just reading those words made me take a step back. It's hard to imagine that others can see that Dave is a nice guy when the very thought feels foreign to me.

Unfortunately, it's not very often that I'm even in touch with any parts of me that even "like" Dave, let alone "love" him. Then there are some parts that actually hate the man. Finding the balance between those parts is a strange act that I don't always have a handle on.

I have to remind myself that there are parts inside that care deeply for the man even if I can't "feel" them anywhere near the surface. It's in the best interest of my system to tale good care of my relationship with him but sometimes it just feels so strange.

I know that this has to be even more difficult for him. He has to deal with my indifference whenever it presents itself. He never knows what "face" is going to present or where he stands. I don't know that I'd like to live that way. Yet he hangs in there accepting this craziness that results from me having multiple personality disorder (dissociative identity disorder). When all else fails, I certainly have to give him credit for that.


little wanderer said...

it does sound complicated, but it does show that you both must mean a lot to each other.

Kahless said...

Yes it must be tough for both of you at times. I assume you have been together a long time so you must have fell into a pattern that works for you both.

keepers said...

we understand what you are saying, we have been with our JM a long time and feelings can vary so much between keepers.



Lynn said...

This is almost exactly the same way that I feel about my therapist, except that there are parts who love him very much.

jumpinginpuddles said...

we know how complicated it can be thats why we are better off being single.