I've come so far down the road of recovery I like to believe that I have things together here..........well, as together as one can be with life. Yet right now I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride that just won't end. That scares me to death.
With my husband losing his job there are just so many uncertainties. Most of them, for me anyway, have to do with whether or not I can maintain this dream of mine. The common sense part of my brain says that I should cut back, sell as many horses as possible and move on. The emotional part of me cries desperately against that wanting to hang on to my last dying breath.
There have been many things along the path of following this dream that have prevented me from reaching my goals. Each time I have tried to roll with the punches and find a new direction to still get me there but it has been a long time in coming.
I just keep trying to tell myself I have to believe. I have to trust that this can and will happen. I fly by the seat of my pants making decisions based on the belief it's going to work out. With my husband loosing his job, it makes the possibilities of that seem all the more unlikely yet I keep holding on. But can I really trust myself?
There's a crossroad of some kind breathing down my neck and I have just thrown a monkey wrench into the plan I was most sure of. Am I the reason that things don't work out? Am I sabotaging myself on some unknown level? Or am I blind and this whole thing really is not possible at all? Or can I really trust myself?