I suppose thinking that I could control my Unraveling by controlling my environment was as pathetic as a child in my household growing up thinking if they're good, mommy will love them. As far as I've come in therapy I know that controlling in any way is just a set-up for failure.
So why I thought I could keep a lid on things by moving my horses away from my daughter and granddaughter, I don't really know. It sounded good, I guess. But pulling it off and still managing to keep what I need from the horse thing probably was never possible. If I could have done it on my own, I certainly would have long before before now.
So things are unraveling again. Instead of sleeping my mind is racing with all the possibilities. Things have not imploded yet but the rumblings are there. I feel like I'm fast getting in over my head again. What to do.........what to do.
In addition I can't figure out how to live with people who still play games. Actually, from what I can tell, most of the world plays games. And I guess you could say that trying to keep my head above water by removing my family from my horse thing is just another kind of game. I don't know.
It's not like I'm not telling them exactly what I am up to. Or that I'm trying to "get" them to respond in some way. I only want to protect myself. I'm prepared for them to do whatever they need to do. That part is ok.
Telling people what you need is great.............if it works. If they care or are in a place where they can be helpful that is. But if they don't care or are too caught up in their own selves then it can really suck. Being vulnerable can really set one up for a big fall if it's not reciprocated or used against you. And while people talk about making themselves vulnerable, I think it's more some kind of lip service to enlightenment than actuality in many cases.
I think there is more vulnerability here on the internet that in the "real" world. The cloak of anonymity makes people brave. I'm not complaining about that.............just saying I feel more connected here than I do in my own home. That's a really sad statement, isn't it?
I think I'm searching for something that doesn't exist. Trying to "fit in" in a world that doesn't really fit, We can't even figure out how to get along with our neighbors. How are we supposed to find a place to "fit" especially since fitting seems to include getting along with others.......feeling loved?
This just sounds like a bunch of ramblings......but then I said my mind was all over the place. I guess this is a testament to that.
What it all comes down to for me is that dream. Chasing it gives me the courage to go on and yet the likelihood of achieving it is getting dimmer. That definitely has me in a tailspin. The dream seems to be the only thing I have that is worthwhile.
I guess if I could break it down into smaller parts.............make it not quite so grand..............maybe it would be attainable. However, I can't quite figure out how to accomplish that and keep any part of it intact.
Like everything else in my life, when I jumped into this, I jumped in a big way. Now I'm in way over my head and drowning fast. Getting myself out of this predicament seems impossible.
Part of me thinks that I just need to have faith. I've done so much of this based on faith. I don't know if I have the courage to keep hanging onto that slim shread of faith I have left. It seems to be all I've got.
If you're wondering what's triggered all of this, my husband's plant closes today and I'm afraid that I'm losing the place I thought I had lined up to ride my horses this winter. That means my funding is quickly drying up and if I don't have a safe place to ride this winter, the possibilities of getting a horse sold for anywhere near what it's worth won't happen either.
As you all know, the economy is pretty scary right now. The price of all things connected to raising horses is soaring. The chances of holding it all together until I get "my break" seem unlikely at best. It's no wonder I feel like things are unraveling.
Yet, with all of this pressure, I can't help but look at these horses as I am conditioning them for my annual open house and be amazed at what I have here. They are so beautiful. I feel blessed to have them. Many people breed horses their whole lives and never get one animal as fine as these. This accomplishment alone is impressive. Having these horses in my life almost makes me feel complete.
It's hanging onto them that is the scary part. The financial responsibility of that many animals is the root of the problem. Finding a way to alleviate that burden seems next to impossible. I keep doing everything I know how to do to keep it together and it seems like "something" is always getting in the way. That "something" always has to do with other people, their games, etc. That's the part I just can't seem to navigate.
Life is complicated............that's for sure. And I guess when you have 400+ "people" running around inside it can tend to get more complicated than most. I shouldn't be surprised when the road gets bumpy but it sure would be nice if it could settle down here for just a bit.