Sometimes I find myself doing things, or maybe after doing things, wondering "Who was that?" Watching myself do things that are uncharacteristic of me...........and yet they're not.
Yesterday was a perfect example. We had our open house/barn and while things went OK, I couldn't help but wonder what part of me was in charge.
I should clarify that when I say "OK" I mean we got through it. The people came and went. We got the horses shown and anyone who didn't know me well probably wouldn't even have noticed that things were different.......but they were.
For example, while I was in the ring showing a horse to the crowd, I found myself wondering why I wasn't telling them all about that horse the way "I" usually do. Sure, I told them age and physical description but I really didn't get into the specifics I usually do about the horse. The little stories that make each horse unique to me and other specific things.
In actuality my mind was devoid of all of those kinds of things. I wanted to say those kinds of things but it was like I didn't know what to say...... which couldn't be more unlike me. I knew I "should" be saying more but "more" just wouldn't come.
Now, I can look back and think there was so much going wrong trying to get this event off the ground that I had to give up a huge bunch of my expectations. Maybe it was this adaptation of my expectations that put someone else in charge. But clearly, the end result was that I lost some part of me that I needed.
I guess it's the same kind of thing that has been going on here. My usual "self" just doesn't seem to be available to blog. I want to blog! I want to go and visit all of my friends in the blogosphere! But that part of me just doesn't or won't take charge and I'm at a loss.
I try to take it one piece at a time getting myself back together after the big trauma of a few weeks ago but it seems to be slow going. Things probably look OK on the outside but they sure aren't right on the inside or this part of me wouldn't be missing.
I sure hope that the missing part makes an appearance here soon. I find myself wondering if this is going to be a permanent condition. I sure hope not because that part of me is desperately needed.
"She" connects me to the outside world and I really don't like the feeling of distance that's here in her absence. I'm feeling pretty much like I'm an observer of my own life and that no one is really "feeling" that life right now. I'm pretty sure that that's not a good thing.