Monday, September 8, 2008

Who Was That?

Sometimes I find myself doing things, or maybe after doing things, wondering "Who was that?" Watching myself do things that are uncharacteristic of me...........and yet they're not.

Yesterday was a perfect example. We had our open house/barn and while things went OK, I couldn't help but wonder what part of me was in charge.

I should clarify that when I say "OK" I mean we got through it. The people came and went. We got the horses shown and anyone who didn't know me well probably wouldn't even have noticed that things were different.......but they were.

For example, while I was in the ring showing a horse to the crowd, I found myself wondering why I wasn't telling them all about that horse the way "I" usually do. Sure, I told them age and physical description but I really didn't get into the specifics I usually do about the horse. The little stories that make each horse unique to me and other specific things.

In actuality my mind was devoid of all of those kinds of things. I wanted to say those kinds of things but it was like I didn't know what to say...... which couldn't be more unlike me. I knew I "should" be saying more but "more" just wouldn't come.

Now, I can look back and think there was so much going wrong trying to get this event off the ground that I had to give up a huge bunch of my expectations. Maybe it was this adaptation of my expectations that put someone else in charge. But clearly, the end result was that I lost some part of me that I needed.

I guess it's the same kind of thing that has been going on here. My usual "self" just doesn't seem to be available to blog. I want to blog! I want to go and visit all of my friends in the blogosphere! But that part of me just doesn't or won't take charge and I'm at a loss.

I try to take it one piece at a time getting myself back together after the big trauma of a few weeks ago but it seems to be slow going. Things probably look OK on the outside but they sure aren't right on the inside or this part of me wouldn't be missing.

I sure hope that the missing part makes an appearance here soon. I find myself wondering if this is going to be a permanent condition. I sure hope not because that part of me is desperately needed.

"She" connects me to the outside world and I really don't like the feeling of distance that's here in her absence. I'm feeling pretty much like I'm an observer of my own life and that no one is really "feeling" that life right now. I'm pretty sure that that's not a good thing.


Lynn said...

Oh, RR. I feel for you. I really do. Though not DID, I am also on the dissociaive continuum and there is a lot here that I can relate to. I'm in a similar quandry right now myself. I have a piece of me that's gone missing as well and I need it back. On the flip side, I am busy with something else and wonder if that particular way of being is simply not compatable with what I need to accomplish right now. Yet, I see a few ways in which it might actually help make the current circs more comfortable if it could make a reappearance. It's quite confusing, but I'm trying to hang in there and keep going. I know things are hard for you right now.


jumpinginpuddles said...

we also unbderstand the sitting back not really sure whose in charge stuff, we also find it hard to go to other blogs like in the last two weeks a block has coem on our life and we realise why but its like we like you are now holding back.
This probably doesnt help but we wanted to say we get what you just said and thanks for saying it because we until we read what you wrote dfidnt get what was going on for us.
I think we can feel a blog coming on from us.

jumpinginpuddles said...

little wanderer said...

just letting you know I am thinking about you and sending you lots of (((hugs))) x

keepers said...

well we can sure identify with this, expecting a part to take care of something and then for whatever reason they are not there! We hope "she" shows up soon and you feel more complete again.

sending safe hugs

peace and blessings


Lily Strange said...

I sometimes feel that way when looking back on something I did that I don't feel particularly good about. Like someone else must have done it! It doesn't even have to be that big a deal for me to want to have it belong to someone else.
Just wanted to say I'm still around and care about what is happening for you.

Kahless said...

I hope that missing part shows up soon too.


Kahless said...

I have thought about whether to say this or not, but I will.

Cos I dont want it to feel like a pressure. Especially cos i know the shit you have been through of late.

But bugger it.

I wanted to tell you that I really miss you in blogland. I understand and accept why you are not around, but I do miss you.

You are refreshingly honest and refreshingly you!