Right now I am unraveling. Defenses inside are toppling and the whole structure is in danger of collapsing. As this is happening most on the outside can't see. The facade that hides this structure of mine is the only thing solid that is left and it is cracking.
My daughter and granddaughter have thrown me off an emotional cliff. I tried to tell my daughter there was danger of it happening but she told me I should trust her. Then she went ahead and did what I pleaded with her not to do. Now everything is coming apart. I don't know if I can catch this before extensive damage is done. I don't know if I can catch it at all.
These feelings are familiar. I experienced them once before when I was removed from my support system. That one action toppled my defenses and threw me into a downward spiral that nearly cost me my life. Today I feel the same creaking and groaning of my inner structure and many of my parts are running for cover trying to throw up new walls to keep the reverberations of this betrayal out.
Now I have no immediate support system in place at all and no therapeutic relationships. It's been so long since I was in therapy I wouldn't know where to start. Not that I could get myself to go even if I needed to. Besides.............it's too late for that.
So the self destruct mechanism set in place by the cult seems to still be intact. The out of control spin is coming I can feel it. Along with it I can already begin to feel the twitching of the electrocuted child. My joints are also beginning to re-experience those feelings of being torn apart on the rack. The other tortured children with their feelings are there too. My skin is beginning to crawl and I feel the stinging bites of insects and the squeezing of the snakes. The flashes are starting and it's clear I can't turn them off. It looks like I'm going to get a multi-faceted attack all at one time.
I suspect a spiritual assault will go hand in hand with this. It's been twenty years since I felt that cold black evil that wants me. At least I know I am up for that. While I dread those feelings crawling over me, I know in my soul I can withstand the assault. It's a good thing because it's my soul that's going to get it.
It's the physical assault that I struggle with, I am just so so tired of the pain. I can tell by what I'm experiencing those old messages of rather being dead than hurting anymore are screaming deep in the recesses of my mind. I know that those messages are planted but the level of this assault is huge. It will take all I have to silence it. I don't know what the cost will be.
It's no wonder I don't get too close to people. The price I pay for rejection and betrayal is beyond what anyone should suffer. Hopefully, I can "bleed" these feelings off slowly like steam from a pressure cooker. If I can do that, I might have a chance at surviving this with some semblance of my life intact.
I feel like a hypocrite. I've been here blogging for a year about getting free of the cult's clutches and now I find myself firmly in their grasp. While I understand that the complexity of my system is probably what allowed this to happen, it's still a blow to find I've succumbed to this kind of triggering. I need to ride a horse................but it's not safe. What to do.........what to do.
More on Unraveling