Right now I am unraveling. Defenses inside are toppling and the whole structure is in danger of collapsing. As this is happening most on the outside can't see. The facade that hides this structure of mine is the only thing solid that is left and it is cracking.
My daughter and granddaughter have thrown me off an emotional cliff. I tried to tell my daughter there was danger of it happening but she told me I should trust her. Then she went ahead and did what I pleaded with her not to do. Now everything is coming apart. I don't know if I can catch this before extensive damage is done. I don't know if I can catch it at all.
These feelings are familiar. I experienced them once before when I was removed from my support system. That one action toppled my defenses and threw me into a downward spiral that nearly cost me my life. Today I feel the same creaking and groaning of my inner structure and many of my parts are running for cover trying to throw up new walls to keep the reverberations of this betrayal out.
Now I have no immediate support system in place at all and no therapeutic relationships. It's been so long since I was in therapy I wouldn't know where to start. Not that I could get myself to go even if I needed to. Besides.............it's too late for that.
So the self destruct mechanism set in place by the cult seems to still be intact. The out of control spin is coming I can feel it. Along with it I can already begin to feel the twitching of the electrocuted child. My joints are also beginning to re-experience those feelings of being torn apart on the rack. The other tortured children with their feelings are there too. My skin is beginning to crawl and I feel the stinging bites of insects and the squeezing of the snakes. The flashes are starting and it's clear I can't turn them off. It looks like I'm going to get a multi-faceted attack all at one time.
I suspect a spiritual assault will go hand in hand with this. It's been twenty years since I felt that cold black evil that wants me. At least I know I am up for that. While I dread those feelings crawling over me, I know in my soul I can withstand the assault. It's a good thing because it's my soul that's going to get it.
It's the physical assault that I struggle with, I am just so so tired of the pain. I can tell by what I'm experiencing those old messages of rather being dead than hurting anymore are screaming deep in the recesses of my mind. I know that those messages are planted but the level of this assault is huge. It will take all I have to silence it. I don't know what the cost will be.
It's no wonder I don't get too close to people. The price I pay for rejection and betrayal is beyond what anyone should suffer. Hopefully, I can "bleed" these feelings off slowly like steam from a pressure cooker. If I can do that, I might have a chance at surviving this with some semblance of my life intact.
I feel like a hypocrite. I've been here blogging for a year about getting free of the cult's clutches and now I find myself firmly in their grasp. While I understand that the complexity of my system is probably what allowed this to happen, it's still a blow to find I've succumbed to this kind of triggering. I need to ride a horse................but it's not safe. What to do.........what to do.
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13 comments:
You're not a hypocrite. You are a lovely human being. I know the feelings you are describing here. I hide out when I don't feel capable of dealing with deep issues or don't have access to my strongest support. Sometimes I have to withdraw and not go outside and not answer the phone or the door, not be in the living room when the television is on, stop listening to music, etc. Some may say that this is not the best course of action, but it can preserve life and sanity in an overwhelming emergency. Do whatever you need to do to protet yourself. You deserve protection. Hold on, RR. Don't forget that it will lessen. It will pass. Hang in there. Try as hard as you can to remember that they can't come and get you now and withdrawal from triggers can stop the self-destruct. When work on deeper issues is not possible or safe -- IT'S OKAY TO HIDE. If it weren't for hiding, I wouldn't be here anymore.
You have done a lot of healing and have been very generous with sharing to help others. I have done a bit of healing, but I more deeply understand the place you are in right now. I'm pretty good at cooking up non-drug and sanity saving ways to ride out such things. I've been doing it all of my life in one form or another. If you get bad enough off that you forget what to do to get through, please email me and I will try to be your friend and reminder. If you begin to feel that your life is in immediate danger, please tell your husband and ask him to watch you and protect you. Stay safe, RR.
all we can do is ofer our being here and to tell you how very much we care. you have been one of the stronger systems we have seen thes epast few years but none of us do it all by ourselves so if you need to talk or write, we are here. sending hugs and prayers for all of your system
keepers
nope we dont see that at all, what we see is as you explained the other day the complexities of dealign with this sort of stuff.
we all have triggers and layers of triggers and sometimes hidden layers, you never said it was over you said you had healed of most things but even by your own recognition when you had that dream/flashback of an intruder a while back you said if i need to go back to therapy to find out what its about i will. that tells me that not everything is complete.
You have never deluded to such a thing either here or in person when we have talked. you have told the truth and unravelling as you are is part of the pain of what you have been dealt the truth is the cult have you no more than any other time in the last year. You just know the feelings associated so they have trianed you to think they have.
I know maybe you might think im trivalising your pain and i sure am not i just know what you have written here in the last year has bene no lie and i dont want old triggers of back then to be your reality now because they are not the same.
Still standing by you
oh and you arent totally without support although it is countries apart we can still talk, we just cant reach and give you a hug in person
You aren't a hypocrite. You are human. It is okay to struggle, to share that struggle with us.
We are hear and we are listening. And praying for you.
I agree that you are not a hypocrite or an idiot. I am sorry that you are having such a rough time. Take care.
You are a wonderful, caring person RR, you are a survivor and you will survive, sending you lots of hugs and love x
My heart reaches out to you.
NO you are not a hipocrite so please stop that negative self talk.
I wish sincerely I could help you but I am clueless. All I can do is ditto what has been said above.
Please email me at any time and I will be here.
I guess retreating under the covers is not an option because of Lindsay. But please do whatever you can to secure yourself.
You do have friends. You do have people here that love you and value you.
Please please please take care of yourself.
And keep writing.
Oh and I will pray for you and constantly be thinking of you too.
You aren't a hypocrite. You are in pain right now and it is understandable. I wonder if the triggers ever go completely away. But, you are in today and you are safe. You do have people that love and care about you. Please try to hold onto that.
I am sending you lots of strength, love and a way to find some peace again.
((((RR)))
Tamara
{{hugs}}
I wish I were there to give you a hug in person but this is the best I can do at the moment! Just know that there are lots of us that do really care about you. Hang in there....I know you can get through this, you are one of the strongest people I "know"!
I'm not a multiple so I can't say that I know exactly what you are going through. However, you are not a hypocrite - that I can say without a doubt. All us surivovrs have times where we fall back a bit. Lynn said it well - take a break and hide if you need to. And as all the others said, we're all here. We may not be able to reach out in person, but we can reach out over the internet. This is a safe place for you to fall apart, vent, rage, think - whatever you need to do.
(((Hugs)))
RR... my heart goes out to you in this tough time with all that is going on. You may contact me at any point, and I will be there for what you need.
You are a wonderful, kind, loving person whose heart is huge. You help people out there more than I think you realize, and now, during your tough time people are coming out of the woodwork to do what they can to aid you.
You are not a hypocrite, you HAVE made progress, but there are layers, and just because you struggle DOES NOT mean you have slipped back, it means you are ready to deal with a new chapter. You haven't lost what you have gained at all, you have gained more understanding of who you are. And though it is painful, it is still progress (I hate the "P" word).
You do what you need to do to get through this safely, and remember that you have many many out there cheering for you from the stands, and at any point are willing to come stand with you in the pit too.
Hugs to you, and prayers and thoughts about you too.
Erin
That is how I feel too, and why I tend to keep relationships superficial. Even the online relationships, I felt betrayed when people found better or more important things to focus on than me. So I keep people at arm's length. It is lonely but it is how it must be, at least for me.
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