Sunday, July 13, 2008

The Current State of Affairs **Triggering

With my psyche broken up into something over 400 parts, it's probably some kind of miracle that I live life as well as I do. My defenses are such that pretty much most of the time I can protect myself from old buttons getting pushed and spinning out of control. I have healthy parts strong enough to protect the system from such things happening.

It's probably safe to say that part of my defenses involve keeping other people at a distance. While I really love people and enjoy interacting with them, I've kept myself away from game players, not forming attachments with them because it's difficult to deal with the consequences of being hurt by them. Instead I have a few close friends I can trust to not cross the line that might trigger my core issues.

That makes my support system pretty narrow probably. Sometimes I ache for attachments that will never be there but most times I am content with my life as it is. I love the horses and I can trust them to not reject me no matter what I do. No screw up is too big for them to look differently at me.

I can deal with a weary youngster who thinks I'm big and scary because I know in the end I will win them over. I know they won't take one look at me and decide that I am not worth the effort of working our relationship out. They are horses and dependant on me and they know it. They are part of my family and I am a part of theirs.

Life with people is not so simple. Mixing my people relationships with my horse world has become unsettling. It has triggered my core issues and I must go into self preservation mode.

One choice I have would be to open up those core issues to see if I can diffuse them. But my system decided long ago that was just too painful and not a path we wanted to travel. The fact that my core feelings are linked with physical torture is a big part of why that decision was made.

I am unaware of any possibility of separating those physical reactions from the emotional ones. That's the only reason I would even consider working with those core children. No professional I have encountered has any knowledge of how to go about this that has ever been successful.

The work that I did in that area did not bring any relief for my system. It only caused excruciating pain. I thought I was able to set up defenses to block access to those children but evidently that's not the case. This current situation has pushed through those barriers. The situation is not good.


* I'm going to journal my process here. Hopefully it will help others and maybe it will help me. Journaling this kind of emotional upheaval has been helpful to me in the past. Big Warning here....some content will be explicit and could cause triggering. You're about to see my process in action..............

2 comments:

Kahless said...

I know what it is like to ache for attachments that will never be there.

Keep journaling; I will be mouching about here still.

Tamara said...

MiKael,

I am so sorry that you feel like you can't deal with your core issues because they are so painful. I am glad you have your horses. Aren't animals the best?!

We are also here and will not judge you or become angry.

Be easy with yourself,
Tamara