First I want to clarify a couple of things, at that meeting where my behavior was discussed, my daughter defended me by pointing out what my granddaughter was doing in the first place that was cause for my behavior, whatever that might be. All the specifics of such I don't know, just that the meeting was not supposed to be about me in the first place but certainly ended up with me being part of the discussion.
The meeting was supposed to be about the fact that my friend's horse is not supposed to take the place of my horse that I have provided for my granddaughter to ride. Where it really went from there I don't know because I wasn't there. The fact that it came out dealing with how I behaved is enough for me. It felt like a triangle before I knew anything about that meeting and now it feels even more like a triangle. I want no part of it.
This thing about my granddaughter riding my friend's horse was not a problem for me until I was told that I wasn't included. That was my granddaughter's idea to supposedly surprise me so she can show me how good she does. It doesn't matter what her motivation is..........to me what matters is that she's chosen to exclude me. That hurts..........plan and simple.
My daugher believes that the kid's motivation is pure and that she really wants to "show off" for me. I tend to believe it's more AT ME......if that makes sense. But even if her motivations are pure and she sees it like some kind of gift.........it still hurts. That doesn't seem to matter.
I have been clear with my daughter that I feel like I've been put into this triangle and I don't want to be there. I've also made it clear that if they chose do this thing without me, that I will remove myself from the horse relationship with them. I know my daughter doesn't want that. But I think she thinks this will just blow over and I'll go along.
It's not going to blow over. I'm here typing in the middle of the night because I can't sleep for the nightmares. Tomorrow morning (actually in a few hours) is the lesson at my friend's with my granddaughter and the other horse. I feel like they are forcing me into the situation even when I've made it clear that I don't want to be here.
The problem I am having with this issue at this point is how do I protect myself. I see myself having been drawn into a triangle where I do NOT want to be. I either am there with my daughter, my granddaughter and me or now this new situation with my granddaughter, my friend and me. I feel like I have been set up to be the bad guy no matter which way I turn.
I have told my daughter if they chose this path, that I will remove myself from the horse relationship with my granddaughter. That is the only way that I can see I will be able to keep myself out of the triangle.
I can't be the bad guy if I'm not the one calling the shots about whether she rides or not. If I have no horses that she is dealing with, I don't have to worry about whether one of my horses is suffering because she's not taking proper care of it and I don't have to take riding privileges away because she won't have my horses to ride.
I know that's not what either of them want me to take my horses and go home. They want to do this thing with the friend's horse on their terms and have me stay doing what I'm doing now.
There are 6 of my horses at a barn down the road from where they live. My daughter pays the board and supposedly provides feed for two of the horses. I feed the rest and my granddaughter cleans the stalls. In exchange for that I teach my granddaughter (and sometimes my daughter) about horses, riding and their care and I train the horse that my granddaughter rides (when she hasn't lost her riding privileges).
If I take my horses home it will cause a hardship here. I don't have enough stalls for all the horses that I have so some will have to live outside. Not the best situation for the land but it will work. The other bad thing about bringing my horses home is that I won't be able to continue training them in the winter. That will make it more difficult to get them trained enough to be shown. Getting them shown is the key to getting them sold. So I will be creating a problem for my business.
I need to cut my herd size down by at least two thirds. I don't want to.......but I need to. My husband is loosing his job in a couple of months and we can't afford to keep this many horses. Selling off that many horses in a short time is highly unlikely, especially since most are too young and/or not trained to ride yet. But that affects my decision.
It's probably better for my business for the horses to stay where they are whether I cut down on numbers or not. But I'm pretty sure it's not good for me to leave them there. The inner turmoil because my daughter and granddaughter are going to that lesson today makes it clear that I'm only going to hurt more. I really don't know which way to turn.