I don't look forward to re experiencing the tortures of my inner children. The last time is still clearly etched in my mind. I was fortunate enough to have a therapist in place who understood what was happening otherwise I think I might have ended up in a padded cell. If that should happen the odds are I would never get out. The blinding horror of it all would cause the walls to tumble before my system was equipped to cope thus destroying my mind.
I know that is the purpose of this assault. Like many many of the cult's tricks at keeping their secrets, I understand them all. I know how they are caused, I know their purpose and I know how that is achieved. What I don't know is how to stop these booby traps once they've been triggered.
Somehow my therapist was able to stop the domino effect of that torture. While the electrocuted child clearly came forward and re-experienced her torture piggy backed on feelings of rejection and shame something my T did helped her and stopped her despair.
I remember my writhing body and the shocks............all of the physical sensations that told things people do not want to believe. I remember the excruciating physical, emotional and spiritual pain that assaulted me. I felt that child's heart, mind and soul ready to explode. I felt the pressure building up against all my walls pushing them to collapse. And yet my T stopped that from happening. The child was able to skate off into the shadows where she belonged.
All the other shadow children waiting in the wings who should have been triggered as well were not accessed instead they were undisturbed. I was left slightly traumatized but in the big scheme of things unscathed.... I escaped supposedly fail safe cult programming.
Now I find myself facing that programming again. All the signs read like it is operating full force. I have to see if I can figure out what it was that my therapist did for that child so I can accomplish the same thing. I'm planning on digging out my journals and all my artwork to see if I can figure out or remember what she did for me that day.
In the meantime I have to keep finding ways to keep that child at bay. Even though I can constantly hear her wails, she must stay in the shadows where she belongs until I am equipped to stop the cult's booby trap from causing the intended chain reaction.
In the meantime if you're wondering I do know that I don't deserve this torture. I know it wasn't my fault. I know about the tricks that convinced the shadow children that they belonged to the devil. I know that none of those things are in force anymore. I have diffused them.
I don't know why this explosive combined reaction to my core issues was not disarmed. I don't know is how to stop this domino effect that causes all of these tortures to try and emerge at the same time in unmanageable proportions.
I know I can't stop these core children once they have been wounded in this way. But I must keep them from the forefront until I'm equipped to deal with them.I also know I must keep their wailing voices as far back in the darkness as possible. I'm not sure why this is but the more light they see the more intense their emotions will get and there will be no stopping them.
While I trying to get this figured out I've learned it helps to make them as comfortable as I can. I know by taking those children and wrapping them tightly like swaddling the babies they are and rocking them will turn the volume down somewhat. Trying to soothe them with soft, kind, loving words to distract them from their pain can help to soften their wails to whimpers. Even at that I can feel they are all back there awake and in immense pain. I hope I can keep the lid on here until I'm ready for this fight.
For now, I have a bit of re-enforcement in the fact my husband was called into work. You'd probably think the opposite would be true. That I'd be better off with him here to comfort me, but my instincts to protect my hurt external child actually given me the strength to hold on for now. As long as I can keep moving forward in forming a plan to tackle this latest cult assault, I think I can hold out until the "right" time.