Fitting In............Or Not!

I can remember my whole childhood, well probably my whole life, never feeling like I ever really belonged anywhere. In the neighborhood I grew up in, there were mostly boys. The one girl that was my age wasn't my friend, although I desperately wanted her to be.

She lived right across the street from our house. She had a brother and a sister. Then her family took over the care of an uncle's child, also a boy. The boys were older. The "adopted" brother was nice but the other one was a creep. (I remember when I was older someone saying he was having sex with the youngest girl. Having my own issues with an older brother, I ignored the comment but still wonder to this day if it were true, what happened to that sister)

The girl's name was Linda. She was petite and she took dance classes, ballet, to be exact. I remember seeing her mother working on the elaborate costumes and wishing I could have a mother who did things like that. Instead my mother just put me down because I was TOO BIG to be a ballerina. She laughed hysterically that I even though I could be.

Linda was a fair weather friend. If there was anyone else to play with, she had nothing to do with me. But the instant she had no one, then she became my best friend. I guess I was so desperate for a friend, that was ok with me.

But I never could understand why it was so easy for her to drop me like a hot potato. I always thought it was me and maybe it was. While I could be outgoing and friendly one on one, I would shut down in a group.

It was just too hard to know what to do in a group. My coping skills dictated I figure out what the rules were in any given situation and then behave accordingly. So in a group it was better to keep my mouth shut instead of risking embarrassment because I said or did something wrong.

Fitting in didn't mean finding a group I belonged with, it meant making myself be whatever I perceived a particular group expected of me. It was a tough way to live. I was a chameleon, changing myself to fit every new circumstance. It's no wonder I didn't fit in.

To be continued..............
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did