Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Birthdays

It's my birthday today and I'm really dreading it. I didn't used to dread birthday's. I really loved them..........all birthdays. From the time I was little birthday's were a big deal to me.

The summer my dad died I was only twelve and I pulled together this huge surprise birthday party for my mother because I thought she deserved it. Then I made sure each one of my siblings had a birthday party as well. No one's birthday ever got by me.

When I grew up and had my own kids, birthdays were still a big deal to me. First birthday parties were a blast and I couldn't wait for my kids to get old enough to really appreciate their birthdays but that's not what really happened.

My kids grew up expecting big birthday celebrations........almost to the point of demanding them sometimes. And the other thing about my kids, the only birthday important to them was their own.

My birthday would come and go every year and no one noticed. I didn't get a card, a cake or even a birthday wish most of the time. They'd remember their dad's birthday but only because I was there prodding them along.

Then when I got into therapy the inequity of this whole situation really hit me. I began to realize that they were all taking advantage of my heart and giving nothing in return so I quit celebrating their birthdays. I guess I thought if they knew how it felt they might realize that birthday celebrations weren't something you're entitled to but something given out of love. Maybe they'd realize ALL birthdays were special not just theirs.

Instead they just got resentful and the whole birthday thing just totally dried up around here. Most of my kids are grown and gone and they celebrate birthdays away from here. But birthdays here are unimportant and I must admit a very hurtful time.

I can't seem to understand how I managed to raise 3.5 kids (somehow I don't know how to see Lindsay in this hence the .5 child) who care about others but not their own family. I know that my husband is part of this problem. While I always made sure his birthdays were a big deal, he not often remembered mine so the kids didn't get that example from him. But they got it from me, Didn't that count?

I guess this whole thing is one of the reasons I feel distant from my children, at least the older ones. Sometimes I'm not sure where Nick fits into this but Lindsay, there's no distance, thank God! But the older two most of the time are like two strangers I see a couple of times a year. It's really sad. And for me, my birthday is a reminder of that. Guess that's why I dread birthdays so. I'm not only getting older and running out of time but it's another reminder of the mess of my earlier life.

12 comments:

Marj aka Thriver said...

Happy Birthday! I want to encourage you to go out and just do something very nice, pampering, fun, frivolous, etc. just for you! screw it! Just do whatever YOU want to do. xoxoxoxo

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My computer has crashed! I'm using my son's but I don't know how to use his Mac very well. I cn't gt into my e-mail. If you came up with t a date you want to do the blog carnival. Wpuld you just comment back here and I'll ome back and look? Then I think i can figure out how to get it listed at B dot com. Thanks. Sorry for the hassle.

Enola said...

I hope you have a wonderful Birthday dear. I wish I was there to throw you a huge bash. I too love to celebrate birthdays - but my husband is not that into celebrations.

Picture me throwing confetti, blowing bubbles, presenting you with a huge cake and ice cream and lots of presents. (((hugs)))

Rising Rainbow said...

Marj, thanks for the birthday greeting. For me the best part of my day is with my horses so I'm going to spend extra time with them. They are the ones that "get me."

As for the carnival, I did send you a date. I believe the 13th will work the best for me.

Enola, thanks, a huge bash might be fun, with all of the blogging buddies. Nice to imagine anyway. I really appreciate the thought.

Kahless said...

Happy Birthday MiKael.

jumpinginpuddles said...

ok i think this is totally bizarre we just tried to call you after days of not finding time but today i felt we really needed to call you, the answering machine was on and i didnt want to leave a message. maybe we should have LOL and this was before we saw this blog :O

Lily Strange said...

I wish you peace on your birthday. The best thing is probably to try and do something relaxed and casual. A meal at an inexpensive restaurant or such. My birthday was 2 days ago. I went and had guacamole salad and a fried ice cream. Maybe do something like that which honors the day but isn't too big of a deal.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday from Will.

dinkleberries said...

Ironic, I put very little effort into birthdays and I got treated very well this year(last week) and most years in fact. I have absolutely no expectations and it's always a pleasant surprise for me. When I turned 10, we were in Florida living in an ice cream van and picking oranges and I was thinking I was special and my dad who only beat the older kids threatened to beat me and pretty much popped my balloon. Kinda weird how things turn out aint it?

Happy Birthday to you!! Horses don't know about birthdays, they think you are special all the time, especially when you feed them and scratch their itches and whisper sweet love words to them.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I hope you had a relaxing day with your horses.

I'm going to attempt to get us listed at Blog Carnival dot com for a 3/13 edition with a Wed., 3/11 submission deadline. Today I'm using an old laptop my husband used to use...and...it..is...very...slow.

Thanks much!

Lady Of Chaos said...

I didn't know it was your birthday. Happy Belated Birthday! Mine was Saturday, aquarians, maybe that's why I like you so much. :)

I have a blast planning 'cool' fun things for birthdays. No one ever remembers my birthday, but I don't really mind all that much. I treat myself to something little and make it a day to enjoy. I don't worry so much if anyone else remembers or not. I make it my day and do what I want for myself. :)

I hope you did have a good day.

Ethereal Highway said...

{{{{{{RR}}}}}}

MultiMe said...

Happy Birthday, three years later, too!