It seems amazing to me that with all this trouble with my daughter and granddaughter, The Old Story.............with a New Twist that I find my daughter telling my husband that she knows how to deal with a multiple. Just the fact that she has made that statement makes me want to close myself off from her about as tightly as I can get. The farther we get down this road, the more sure I am that protecting myself is about the only thing that is wise for me to do.
I had hoped that some of the old issues between my daughter and I had healed and that maybe we could start to build a real relationship. But it's clear that things have not changed at all. She is still justifying her behavior just like when she was a teenager and playing games.
I find it hard to believe that a rational adult can justify the behavior of a drugged addicted teenager and yet I'm pretty sure that my daughter is still viewing that time in her life from the viewpoint of that kid. I guess until she really takes responsibility for all of those things she did back then, there is no way that she's going to be able to see the games that her daughter is playing now.
From the time she first became a mother, I found myself feeling I needed to protect myself from her. I always felt that she would use her children against me if given the chance. Now it feels like that is exactly what's happening.
I doubt that she is as calculating as she was back then, but it doesn't make her behavior any less painful. I find myself struggling with the decisions about what is "best" for me in handling each new interaction with her or my granddaughter. I doubt she even realizes that there is a problem. Or if she does, I suspect she thinks it's a little one and it will go away.
I guess that tells how little she knows me. This is no little problem........it is one of gigantic proportions. Her decisions because she "knows me" nearly cost me my life and even I had no idea that was possible. The spin my system took out of control was terrifying and it could have been deadly. I may have beaten the odds before, but I wouldn't want to keep risking my life betting that I will always be so lucky. I'd just as soon not have those kinds of tests in my life.
There is so much about me that I don't know..........so many compartments in my mind that are left unopened. I can't imagine anyone thinking they know how to deal with me when I am never totally sure how to deal with myself. I know the usual things that keep me on an even keel but I have a healthy respect for those secrets that I have tucked away. How do I get my daughter to realize if she wants to continue to be a part of my life, she needs to understand that she can't control my behavior............and she sure as hell can kill me by trying.