Another Halloween

As another Halloween approached I can't help but thing of all the things that make be feel the way I do about this time of year. The post, A Brief Change in Direction is an overall explanation of how satanism operates as I understand it. Some Things I Can't Explain tell of a particular Halloween experience of mine at the age of 7. Being a victim of satanism pretty much guarantees I am always affected by this holiday and My Halloween Condition pretty much tells how I usually cope with that.


While I'm not one to dwell on my past, I won't even try to deny there are forces beyond us at work in this work so.I have a healthy perspective to protect myself when need be. With my experience last year Halloween - 2009 I wondered how I would be affected this year. I guess my answer came in the form of another memory.

This time I saw the angel that wrapped her wings around me and protected me from the darkness on that Halloween so many years ago. Up until now, I haven't known about that angel. Her presence, for some reason, tucked away with the memories of another alter who's been inaccessible until now. Why, I don't know. All I know for sure is this memory soothes my fears and makes another Halloween bearable.

Halloween - 2009

I've been thinking about this post since I got home from my trip to Tulsa. I knew when I left that I would be gone over Halloween. How that would affect me, I really didn't know but I was willing to go anyway.

Most of the time I was gone I really didn't think much about Halloween either despite the fact that some of the stall decorations had incorporated the usual Halloween type themes. Then there were those candy dishes filled with trick or treat fare but mostly I just tuned it out and went about my business at the show.........which was taking care of my horses.

I don't post about the supernatural side of my abuse often. Mostly that's probably because of my own discomfort. I know that some will think I'm crazy and that's ok but I also know there are those who will believe. The problem really is probably that I would really rather not believe........but I know too much not too.........so it's just easier not to think about it.

It wasn't until late Halloween night that I paused at all to think about this holiday and its effects on me. I was walking up towards the arenas when "it" happened. The problem I've been having is how am I going to explain "it."

Finding the right word to label this supernatural being that swooped by me and then disappeared in the darkness only to be followed by a second and a third. It was over in an instant. I took brief note of it and then went back to what I was doing content in the belief that I was safe despite this attempt to get my attention.

I saw these beings again. It was only my drive home and actually it happened a couple of times. Both instances were in the late late night.....during the witching hour. As these beings swooped down in front of my truck and off into the darkness, their numbers has grown. Now I was encountering dozens of them. Their movements were meant to intimidate me yet I always knew I was safe. The experiences were disturbing to say the least.

I realize my description of these events is scant. It's hard to describe supernatural events in human terms. Then Friday night as I watched Ghost Whisperer I saw a human interpretation of these beings. On the show they called them shadow people. It's not the name that stuck with me but the picture they used to portray them.

While that portrayal was limited by the confines of the human imagination and computer wizardry, the form they used was close to what I experienced. The beings on television had solid lines to their form, the supernatural beings do not. The forms, however, were the same. Their essence is not restricted in that manner. It bleeds off into the world around them.

After these experiences I find myself wondering, "Why now?" It's been a long time sine I worked through this stuff and even longer since I left the cult community. Clearly I am in their radar for something...........or this never would have happened.

The Devil's in the Details

I get emails from time to time from people wanting to know about Satanism. Sometimes the questions are general in nature and sometimes they are more specific but either way they always make me worry just a bit.

I'd be foolish not to wonder about the motives of the person. Openly talking about this subject has been known to get people killed. Even though one of the reasons I speak out has to do with assuring my safety, I always have to keep my eyes wide open and be sure I'm not exposing myself in an unsafe manner.

Then, too, I can't help but wonder about the actual questions themselves. People can get so caught up in the details they totally can miss the point. The way to help someone deal with this stuff is not by knowing every single detail there is to know.

There is not some magic(or should I say "holy") formula to "fix" what was done to a survivor like me. It was programming designated to totally control a person's mind. Wanting to understand it in logical ways to make "sense" of it is just NOT going to happen nor cure anyone.

This stuff is crazy! It' was supposed to be crazy! That was the point. Wanting to turn craziness into logic will only make you crazy........if you get my drift. Trying to find the rhyme, reason, or answer will not work.

The reason this programming worked is because of the confusion it caused in its victims. That confusion is it's strongest, most powerful tool. It cannot be made sane because there was nothing sane about it. Trying to make it so will only keep one stuck.

Whenever I see people who think they have a roadmap to helping, I really worry about the survivors in their care. There is no roadmap. Each survivor is as different as the programming they experienced and there are no pat answers, no "easier" way to maneuver the de-programming process.

And when it comes to de-programming that is an internal process. It cannot be done from the outside. No matter how much or how many interventions or what ever else, the only way healing can be accomplished is from the inside.

Support people need to be just that........support people. To be helpful they need to believe, to not pass judgement and to care..........and a little praying never hurt. But guiding and suggesting are not good things. They may look like they are working but in the long run they are playing right into the hands of those old programs.

The devil IS in the details..............and that's for sure! It is the very nature of this "disease" called Satanism. Anyone who thinks if they just "know enough" they will be able to be helpful to those in need, is playing right into the devil's well played hand.

Sleep..........or Not

Saturday night I had an awful night trying to sleep. While I used to always have problems sleeping, I haven't been plagued with sleep issues for a while. It's been not only nice, but a real relief, to be able to go to bed at night and actually get some sleep. So Saturday night's change from that now normal routine was neither welcomed nor appreciated.

I'm not even sure why but as I struggled with sleep, I couldn't help but reflect on those former sleepless nights of mine.I thought I had posted in some detail about them here but in looking back through the archives I find that's not the case. Maybe a little bit of history is important before I go on with Saturday night's issues.

I have always had problems with sleep. Most of my life I have lain in bed at night trying to shut my mind off to go to sleep. Most every attempt to change this pattern has been unsuccessful other than the use of hypnosis. That was successful for some years but therapy is what really did the trick for me.

Before that time, I would struggle to sleep until the sun began to rise. Once the sun was chasing the darkness I could fall straight away to sleep. I have been that way as long as I could remember. And truthfully it was more about the end of the "witching hour" or what some part of my mind considers that to be........anytime after dark until about 4:30 AM were the magical numbers for me.

It wasn't until therapy and the emergence of these memories So What Did Ritualistic Abuse Mean to Me, a Victim? that I began to see a reason for my sleeplessness. It certainly made sense that my system was on high alert during those dangerous hours. So many times I had been snatched from my childhood bed and dragged off for rituals or other madness. Why would anyone feel comfortable sleeping under such circumstances?

Since that discovery and my release from those powers over me, I have had little if any trouble sleeping. Sure there has been a occasional night when I had too much stress and I allowed myself to get bogged down where sleep would not come. But I have found when that happens usually getting up for a brief stint on the computer allows me to fall back to sleep.
That has been pretty much the case until Saturday night.

What made Saturday different was the pain that accompanied and maybe caused my sleeplessness. It wasn't just the pain I have been experiencing from my recent surgery, I had pain all over my entire body. Some was concentrated in my joints.......all of my joints. It seemed like no part of me was exempt from hurting.

I could no find a position to get more comfortable. There was absolutely no relief. And my usual comforting weight of covers was actually making things worse.

As I lay there tossing and turning, I found myself remembering the torture that had caused that kind of pain in my joints. That led me to thinking this might very well be old Body Memories Then when that witching hour arrived the pain stopped. I easily dropped off to sleep. I couldn't help but wonder what had triggered this in me.

That brings to mind another thing I have recently noticed. As the time nears for me to turn 62, I am aware I tried to skip the age of 61 just as many years ago I managed to skip out on old programming by never being 27 by telling myself and others that I was 28. With as determined as I seem to have been to NOT be 61 this year and understanding what I did in the past, I can't help but think this current age issue is cult related. I have to wonder what plan there was for me this year what programming I have circumvented...........

Then there are more questions. Are these body memories? Was this a little reminder of the consequences for allegiance not honored? I can only wonder because in all honestly, I do not REALLY want to know? I would just as soon this stuff just leave me alone forever and a day...........but looking back it would certainly be an explanation for this very difficult year. I have not experienced this much "trouble" within my system since my therapy.

I have tried to find other reasons. A different explanation might be things had been stirred up since my mother's death. However, that happened a whole year before so that explanation won't hold water. I could blame it on the book but I have not worked on the book so there are not memories popping up because of that. And then there was my resolution to get the book finished in that year, it really was my intention and I am not know for putting such important things off to this extent......a little procrastination maybe.........but certainly not out and out avoidance. So instead of finding reasons to believe it's me, I find myself thinking it is related to that old programming. Looking at the dates, it very much has been since my last birthday that I have struggled.

I do know that there were important plans for me. It may well be those were to have happened when I turned 61. I guess there are no real surprises. I have known all along because I chose not to work through everything, I would have things come up. But that's ok, one miserable sleepless night isn't going to change my outlook or the way I live my life. I slept just fine on Sunday...........and I look forward to many more of the same.

Dabbling

In my post Generational Satanism a comment mentioned dabbling. Immediately I flinched a bit because I know that only we humans would be so presumptuous as to believe that what we're doing just isn't that bad or much so it could be called "dabbling." Our rationalizations to make us less accountable for our behavior, however, can be our down fall.

You see the devil only sees black and white. Either you are or you aren't. You can bet the evil one sees any human "dabbling" as fair game. It doesn't take a degree of participation to open the door.........only participation.

That poor soul who thinks she/he is safe from an all out pursuit by the devil and his followers because they're only just playing a bit is only fooling herself/himself. If the darkness doesn't swallow her/him up it's only because there were better things to do at the time......or it served their purposes somehow. It's not because that person had control........that was given up the moment the "dabbling" began.

You just can't fool God or the devil. Each knows when we stumble. When that stumble is across that forbidden line the transgression allows the darkness to reek havoc, you better bet you can be a target.

I remember the nuns warnings about Ouija boards, fortune tellers and tarot cards to name a few. I also remember that deep recognition somewhere within my system..... that understanding of the price one can pay for experimenting.

Channeling other entities or even honoring those doing the channeling all count. I know people who think all of those things are innocent. Me................it's not a price I want to pay. I've seen too much...........I know too much. I've had that battle for my soul and I don't want to have it again.

I hope and pray that my children and their children will take me seriously. For they will pay the price if they don't. The devil would love nothing more than to reclaim any portion of my family...........a way to haunt me.........a way to laugh at God. There is no such thing as dabbling when your immortal soul is the price to be paid.

Generational Satanism

People have asked me how it was that this thing happened to me. It seems so difficult to get one's mind around the likelihood that such things really happen let alone accept that it can happen to someone you know. I guess it's only natural to wonder. But the fact is that for me it was a pre-determined thing.

Most people have heard the quote from the Old Testament about the "sins of the father." Although I don't get into religion often here, this quote has bearing on what I was taught. It is my understanding that the dedication of my fore bearers to Satan gave the cult access to me.

Those sins were passed down from generation to generation with each faced with the consequences of that old behavior. Those sons and daughters were subjected to all sorts of vile assaults because they were "promised" by those before them.

I have clear memories of my mother, a brother and my grandfather involved in this ugliness. In the midst of those memories are references to those before them. Enough references for me to believe that this could be traced back to roots in Europe. Others around me seemed to have the same kinds of roots.

There seemed to be a caste system almost built into the workings of the organization. It reflected where those different participants came from as well as their rankings in the group. Those too followed through with the generations.

I also recall that once a family had ties, even if those ties had been broken, they could be re-established by their descendants walking on forbidden ground. To experiment or dabble with the supernatural in any form immediately leaves one open to assault if one's ancestors have given themselves over within their lifetime.

That generational connection keeps the eligible recruits lined up wondering what they did to encounter such trouble. Not knowing that old family members were participants is not grounds for exemption. If there was a commitment anywhere within the preceding four generations (I believe this number is correct.) any and all of the family is susceptible to assault.

Those are the rules..................as I remember them.

A Question about What's Real

Recently I received an email from a person who is helping survivors of satanism. In that email was a question about a supernatural experience I posted about in Some Things I Can't Explain I am answering here because I figure if this person is wondering about this, others may be as well.

Question: Are you absolutely sure that it is not a part within (like the Wizard that you may or may not have discovered yet, near the doorkeeper in the middle) who has made you feel that way or embellished the experience or your memories?

Before I answer this question I must respond to how this question struck me. I'm sorry but I had to laugh. I don't mean to be smug or anything like that but there was something simplistic about the question that amused me. Probably not amused in a way that is normal but for me it's the black humor I have had to have to deal with this stuff in the first place. I guess for me the laugh was about "I wish it was that simple."

The question shows how basic the programming of the survivors you've come into contact with is. Maybe I said that wrong, maybe it would make more sense to say the survivors you have come into contact with are at low levels within the cult. What you are referring to is generated by only the most simplistic of programming techniques. Those you have mentioned are very basic programming markers.

I guess it would be reasonable to expect that most people dealing with cult survivors would come into contact mostly with survivors at those lower levels because they are the people most likely to be able to escape. Even the attempts to stop such survivors from leaving is more about intimidating those still involved than it is in trying to return deserters to the fold. However, there are some survivors who will have more sophisticated programming.

The level at which one is to function in the cult directly relates to the type of programming that is done. There are some "basics" that are the same as far as ritualistic experiences like rebirthing and such but the nuances that can be worked into such programming directly relates to what type of system they want to develop for their special purposes. I guess that translates to it may all look the same on the surface but underneath can be a whole different ball game.

For me, I had no Wizard or gatekeeper/doorkeeper in the middle.........heck, I had no middle and I don't have what others call layers either. My programming was much more complicated than that.

You could not map out my system, it would probably make you crazy first. I don't even try. It hasn't been necessary for my healing. My system is a maze designed to forever protect organizational secrets as well as the secrets that were to keep me under control.

I might add that my system developed differently than the cult intended. That is how I got free. I did not react the ways they expected me to react and was able to form parts to buffer myself against their manipulations thus compromising their control.

Now to answer your question. My memories of the supernatural aspects of my abuse are not influenced by programmed parts of me. I have no doubts about this. I may not try to "sell" others on the reality of my experience but I know it was real. It was not drug induced or any kind of trick. There was a clarity to it that I still feel to this day.


But like anyone else, I can get into my head and want to find reasons not to believe. Mostly because it's easier not to believe such evil exists in the world .........but then I know it does.

There are a number of logical reasons why inner parts could not have caused this experience for me. Beginning with the fact that all of my parts with cult programming are children 7 years and under and have not matured beyond that point.

My memories of the supernatural are far more sophisticated than those children were capable of devising, not to mention that the "graphics" were even more sophisticated than even today's technology could produce let alone someone in the 1950s.

My inner children were tricked that's for sure but by external forces, not internal ones and not about the spiritual aspect of my experiences. I have seen evil in its purest (if it's possible for evil to be pure) form. Maybe I should say I have experienced evil. I know what it feels like, tastes like, smells like, thinks like, sounds like.......the list goes on.

Also, I have no internal parts that co-operated with the cult other than the self destruct programming. However, even that is limited. I had no cutters or other forms of self mutilation. Just many parts unwilling to experience any more pain and willing to die to be free from hurting.

On the contrary to being tricked, my inner children know all the tricks. They know how the programming is accomplished, what it is for and how to make it work. They know the inner workings of mind control and how to create triggers, even complex individual ones. They know the inner workings of the cult as well.



With that all being said, I think people who are hoping to find that there are lots of tricks making victims feel trapped and that the supernatural implication aren't real must remember that it all goes back to the levels of the programming. Everything is about the levels. Victims in lower levels can be controlled with lessor things. Victims in higher levels need to have bigger more dramatic things to control them. There are no black and white answers. My experience may not be the experience of another living human being but it is MY experience.

What that means is that victims at lower levels are more likely to be controlled with tricks etc. than to have true supernatural experiences. However, that most definitely can be affected by the "spirit" of the individual. Anything can and will happen if it means winning or loosing.

Make no mistake, this whole thing about satanic cults is very much about the oldest struggle of all...........good versus evil. The prize to be won or lost is the very soul of the individuals involved. Trying to help survivors without addressing the supernatural aspects will have limits on its effectiveness.

However, that being said, it does not mean that helping a survivor to see the tricks is not useful to their recovery. What it does mean is don't get caught in the trap of looking for the "easy" way out. There are no easy ways when dealing with cult survivors. The supernatural aspects cannot be denied. Thinking that way only makes the devil laugh.

The important thing is to look for balance. Everything is not a trick nor is everything exactly as it seems. Being open minded to the possibilities will carry more weight that being an "expert" ever would. The key to this whole thing is hope. With hope all of this can be resolved.

Rules and the Survivor of SRA (Satanic Ritual Abuse)

Jumpinginpuddles recently did a post, Methodical rule making While others might not see the underlying message about the importance of "rules" to an SRA survivor, I totally get it. The very first thing that struck me about the post was that need to have the "rules" stay the same, not to mention the need to have rules at all.

Unfortunately those rules we've been taught to live by are really not productive. They keep us caught in the very web we are trying to flee. But the very mention of changing the rules without consultation or preparation can send us into a tail spin. Whenever we are jostled by the world around us, someone inside is determining if that jostle is by the rules or if new rules of our own making are in order.

We think that we are doing the best thing we can, protecting our system from attack or upsetting our delicate balance. The problem is the frame of reference we are using to determine which way our new rules should go has been predetermined by our abuse.

Old programming and all it entails affects the decisions we make. The purpose, again, is to keep their secrets safe. It was never about protecting us. Those rules were established as a kind of prison. While they made us feel like we had some kind of power and rules were determined of our own volition, nothing could be father from the truth.Every abuse that went in to creating those rules was meticulously planned for cause and effect.

It is no coincidence that JIP's need for rules and mine (former need) are the same. It is part of the master plan of mind control. These people then and now are experts in exercising this plan and laying all the groundwork too guarantee that we would be so bound by rules.

Just as they have led us to believe that we know best about the need for keeping rules so our resistance to changing them is built in and almost inpenetrable. That assures we will stay caught in their trap. They have a built in system for causing chaos and establishing the new rules as well. The only way we can guarantee that we are safe from any more of their control is to turn over those rules. Examine them with a neutral outside person whom we trust to help us find new suitable rules.

New Year's Arrived Now Let's Get On with It!

Well, the new year has arrived and it feels much the same as yesterday. It's always seemed funny to me that people can put such stock in the flip of a page on a calendar.

I understand the concept of new beginnings and such. I think the motivation behind those thoughts are admirable. But the facts are they are only thoughts. Many people never get past the romanticism long enough to get into some real actions.

For me, I tend to look at such events as new years, anniversaries and birthdays, just as another measure of time. Since I'm the type of person who seems to lose track of time (not the same as loosing time lol) it's good for me to have a frame of reference that a week or a month has gone by.

Otherwise time just seems to race by and I haven't a clue how much has really passed. That can cause problems with actually getting some things done. I do ok with the day to day stuff but bigger projects can get pushed right up to the wire or missed altogether.

Having particular dates to remind me, helps to but that passage of time into a more accurate perspective. It can help me so I don't miss important deadlines or push a project right up to the last minute because I lost track of time.

To help me with the things I would like to accomplish this year, I have to work at putting them into some kind of chronological reference. Knowing what obstacles I might need to overcome will also help decide what kind of steps I take in this journey and how timing should be employed.

For example, before I can get going on my book, I have to dig out the boxes that have all of my journals, artwork and notes in them. That in and off itself is going to be a big project that I have already started. What helps to keep me focused on that project is the fact it leads to being able to start the one I really want to get going.

Parts of me are dreading working on my book. Doing so is bound to bring up more memories and other painful stuff. But we've already decided that the timing for this is now. My mother died last Valentine's Day and we knew that would bring with it lots of junk. So instead of being afraid of it, we've embraced the opportunity to work this through for once and for all.

So for me, New Year's Day reminds me that Valentine's Day will not be far behind. Since that will be the one year anniversary of our mother's death, we can think of no more perfect way to celebrate than to bring those old boxes out into the open and be ready to work on our book.

Working on this blog has been another way to deal with my mother's death. It's given me the opportunity to start out slowly in reopening these old wounds of mine and to get myself acclimated to processing this kind of work again.

I think the work I have done on the blog thus far has gotten me to that place where I am ready to tackle the book. Daily posting here will keep me focused on my goal and bring me some support when I need it.

I'm really looking forward to putting my mother into her final perspective with my system. I'll be finishing off whatever illusions might be left and tying up lots of loose end and hopefully, I'll be contributing a helpful reference for victims of ritual abuse and satanism.



multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did

Questions from NVRider on Cycles of Abuse

In the comment What to Do About Mothers? NVRider said... I have a question about mothers and families that has been rattling around in my head for a while, I hope it's okay to ask.

Maybe it's more about cycles of abuse. I understand that most abusers have been abused themselves in the past. And in the case of ritual abuse, many(all?) parents have been abused/indoctrinated/programmed as children themselves.

I am not sure if there are statistics on abusers being abused as children but I suppose it would be fair to say that many have. As for ritual abuse, some forms of that have been generational while others have not.

My guess is that the split off cult from the Mormon church led by Warren Jeffs that have been in the news for multiple wives and child brides would fall into that category of generational ritualistic abuse. While the Jonestown Massacre many years ago where most killed themselves would certainly classify as ritualistic abuse. That group killed themselves off before they ever got the longevity to be generational in nature. However, my guess is that many of those participants came from families with other forms of abuse.

Certainly in the case of satanism there are families that have been involved with the cult for generations. However, that is not a given for all participants. There are many many victims with no links to older generations. It's probably much more likely victims of incest come from families where the abuse has gone on for generations.

The family rules that set a child up to be molested have a good deal to do with who is and isn't victimized as a child. A victim may get free of a situation but without help to identify why and how it happened and to make big changes in their values and lives can lead to having their children victimized as well. Even though that may be the last thing that victim would ever want, seeing the world by those old family rules leaves an individual lacking in the skills to protect their children and their children lacking in the skills to stand up for themselves.

This would be a major contributor to that cycle of abuse that gets mentioned so often but rarely explained! Many victims think by speaking up that breaks the cycle, but it is only the first step in breaking that cycle. Sometimes it takes generations to make the changes necessary to protect children from abuse.

As I understand it, these questions have to do with the form of abuse that I suffered as a child, satanism. So I'm going to answer specifically to that abuse here.

Q: Why do some people break free, while some never do?

A: I think this is probably the $64,000 question. But my best guess is that is somehow has to do with hope. Despite all they have been through, they still hold onto the hope that things could be better or that all people aren't bad.

Q: What is it about the people that escape the programming and do not go on to abuse their own children that is different from the majority?

A: First off, I'm not sure that an escape from the programming is what is at play here. We are all different and we all perceive situations differently so there is some variance in how victims will react to programming. The systems of multiples being so different from one another, shows how different the perceptions can be. However, children in satanic cults are powerless to affect change in childhood. They have been tricked into believing that they are trapped. I've never heard of another victim who has escaped as a child.

As adults, I think that those who are trying to get free, have somehow been exposed to information that makes them believe that freedom might be possible. Without that exposure, they would never buck their programming.

I think professionals believe that some kind of crisis pushes victims into therapy. From there if the victim is fortunate enough to stumble across a therapist who has the skills to identify what is at the root of their problems, then the victim has the opportunity to challenge his/her programming.

Q: Is it something in the people themselves? Or a breakdown in the abuse programming process?

A: Again I"ll say I don't think that a breakdown in the abuse programming is responsible for victims seeking to get free or being successful in those attempts. Clearly, there must be something that happens that challenges the beliefs formed as children for the process to even begin,

Q: Why can some people separate themselves from the cycle of abuse, but others go on to torture their own children?

A: While this might be far out, I think this has to do with the instinct of mothers. I believe that regardless of their history there are mothers who still have managed to fiercely hold onto the instinct to protect their children. Those mothers may believe that they themselves deserve whatever treatment they are receiving but they refuse to believe the same thing of their children. Those mothers will fight everything, including their programming to protect their children.

Then there are those mothers who never had that instinct in the first place. Those mothers are probably sociopaths who have no empathy and no regard for anyone but themselves Their children have no value except in regards to how they can be used to make things better for the parent. There's no way such a parent would risk personal injury or even emotional pain for their child.

My guess is that there are mothers in between those two extremes. That would allow for the different degrees along the continuum from the mothers who abuse the kids themselves, to the ones who turn their children over for someone else to abuse them or those who don't see that their children are being abused.

How victims of satanism manage to get free of it's hold over them probably comes down to more luck than sense. Something gets the system functioning out of control whether it be from internal conflicts arising over the need to protect a child or a tv talk show they just happened to watch, who knows.

But from there finding the right therapist isn't an easy task. Many have been abused by the mental health system and yet some still struggle through to find help. Then surviving the deprogramming process in itself is a monumental task. Keep in mind that the cult will pull out all the stops to keep that person quiet! Yet some people do not give up. They keep on trying to get free.

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did Jonestown Massacre Warren Jeff

Punishing the Parts Within?

In the comments on More Questions from Jumpinginpuddles I was asked by anonymous to do a series on accepting the abuse that happened when you really don't want to believe that it did.

Q: In other words how do you embrace the fact you've been abused and accept it without hurting yourself so bad to punish yourself.

I did a series on my therapy process that started with the post My "Real" Therapy While that covers the generalities of my journey, it probably doesn't address this issue as thoroughly as is needed here. I also did a series about Believe It or Not - Ritualistic Abuse which is also on target for this discussion.

But the fact is that while I still can find myself wondering from time to time if it all was real, I really have embraced my victimization and accepted it. Mostly because there is just nothing that explains me so well as this history.

Most of my life, I just didn't make much sense to anyone, let alone me. I felt like a duck out of water with no idea why. Today I know why for all of my little quirks. I know why my body hurts. I know why I'm afraid of snakes. I know why I'm so self conscious about my body. I know why I can't relate to being a child. I know why I'm so darn serious. There are a zillion things about me that now make sense.

I understand the night terrors that used to seize me. I understand why I didn't want to go to sleep until the sun rose in the morning. I know why I was that penitent seven year old sobbing during the stations of the cross each Good Friday. I know why I was never twenty-seven years old.

So as repulsive as it is, I accept it After all, it is what has made me who I am today. Through all of the pain, I have turned out to be a pretty durable person. I have more compassion, understanding and tolerance than most. Because I know what it's like to fall down in a major way and try to get back up. I know what it's like to need forgiveness.

And also what I have learned on this journey is that the world is not black and white. There are so many shades of gray out there it is mind boggling. Learning to recognize the shades of gray that affected my victimization was a huge step in being able to accept myself and see where the responsibility for my actions really belonged.

By being able to understand the circumstances that surrounded events, I was able to understand what influenced my decisions throughout my victimization. I was able to see that I really didn't have control. Because I didn't have control, the things I participated in, I did not do willingly. Even though I might have thought so at the time.

The series I did about taking away free will, Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns explains how the cult takes over control of a victim's mind so they can be manipulated to do whatever the cult wants. It explains the process and how "good kids" could be made to do such bad things.

I understand that the person who is asking me for this information hasn't come far enough in the journey to understand all of this. And I understand that me speaking as "I" here probably isn't making it any easier. But I speak in that form because my entire system believes this information to be true. Each of us, "we" believe it to be true that ALL of those things that were done by different parts of us were NOT our fault. They were the fault of our offenders!

So when we remembered something new and someone was swallowed up with guilt, the rest of us, comforted those aching parts. We did not blame them because we totally understood that they were victims too. Even when they didn't understand that they had been forced, the rest of us knew that they were. The rest of us understood that the freedom of choice had been removed a long time before.

Every time a voice inside wanted to say "OMG how could I have done such a thing?" Another voice or even voices inside said, "It was NOT your fault, you did what you had to do to survive." If we had to, we wrote the words over and over in our journal or in our book of rules. But we never let the blaming statement go unanswered. It was the fault of our offenders. ALL of it!!

While I have never cut myself or overdosed, I used to bang my head into walls. I have set myself up to fail so many times I can not even count, because I used to believe that I didn't deserve to breathe, let alone be successful in anything. I used to take unusual risks tempting fate to take my life. I was relentless at finding ways to abuse myself. But when I got into my "real" therapy that all came to a halt. I finally understood that the answers were coming.

I guess you could say I made a deal with myself not to do anything more to my body or my mind until I knew the whole story. I agreed to give myself a break until I knew for sure if I was really as evil as I thought. If I believed that I deserved punishment after everything was out in the open, then and only then would I do anything about it. And I would do it with my therapist overseeing it to be sure it was appropriate.

By the time the last story was told, all of me finally accepted that none of it had been "our" fault. It turned out that I wasn't evil at all. I didn't deserve to be punished. I firmly believe in my heart, that the same is true for you. It is not your fault and you do NOT deserve to be punished. To do so would only be continuing the abuse of your offenders.

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism

Questions from Jumpinginpuddles

In the comments on the post More on Questions from Anonymous
jumpinginpuddles

asked a couple of different things. Both had to do with therapy and each question came from a different alter if I am guessing correctly.

jumpinginpuddles said "perhaps rising it might be a good idea to do a theme on healthy therapy versus not so healthy?"

There are a couple of ways that I can take this. A therapeutic relationship can be unhealthy. Also, a client's participation in therapy can be unhealthy. Either will compromise a person's progress.

There can be several reasons for unhealthy relationships with therapists. Not all therapists are qualified. Just because a person hangs out a shingle and says they are a therapist doesn't make them one. Some therapists who have the appropriate credentials are controlling and manipulative people. There is no way a therapist with that kind of behavior can help anyone. Controlling and manipulative behavior is the root of all mental illness from what I can tell. Therapy with such a person can only result in major problems.

Even the best of therapists can have issues. We all have issues. The relationship between a therapist and a client can be toxic if the therapist has not resolved issues similar to the client's. The client's issues can push the therapist's buttons and the resulting exchange can be not only non-productive but can actually cause damage.

A client's participation in therapy can be unhealthy if the client does not really want to be healed. If the client continues to look for ways to avoid changing, there is now way therapy can be productive. Also therapy can be unhealthy if the client isn't being honest. Therapy can not be successful if it's being built on deceit. The only way a therapist can help anyone is by being given the whole story. Withholding information and lying is not only non-productive, it can be destructive as well.

jumpinginpuddles said" i think healing can only work if you want it to, and that not every therapist can deal with every part really well. "

I certainly agree that therapy can only work if the client wants it too. I know! I took my teenage daughter to therapy when she was molested by her father. She did not participate in that therapy. She didn't want it and she only went because she had to . It did her absolutely no good. She is going to be forty this year and is still buried under the issues she chose not to resolve. It is a sad truth.

As for every therapist dealing with every part, I really feel for the therapists of multiples. Most multiples are so booby trapped, that the poor therapist is set-up before she/he ever even starts. There are bound to be personalities in there that take offense to the therapist because those personalities have been affected by their offenders. They have taken on the "rules" of their origin. Things they believe to be true and even they hold dear may be contrary to healthy relationships and healing.

Of course, the alters that take offense to the therapist aren't going to understand this. They're going to think it is the therapist's fault. When really the conflict is a result of those old rules that were affected by the offenders.

jumpinginpuddles said 'So what happens to those parts who don't get on with their T they don't ever get healing at all?'

If they would only give the therapist a chance they might find a way to work together. Therapists just need to know what they're up against. They need to know they are not trusted or liked and why. Only with that information do they have any chance at helping things along. They may have ideas to make things better, compromises or creative ways to resolve these issues.

Therapists have far more capacity for love and understanding than we multiples ever give them credit for. Part of the reason for that is we have never really been exposed to true unconditional love. We only understand strings and being manipulated. We tend to not trust what we do not understand. That is not the therapist's fault.

As an alter in a system where the therapy relationship is working for many alters, but not for us, we have a responsibility to give it an honest try. To talk to the therapist and see if we can find some common ground. Or talk through another alter at first and try things that way. BUT honesty must be employed.

In order for the system to heal, all parts must co-operate. There must be acceptance of all parts and the parts that have wounds must heal. I believe that alters who are uncomfortable with a system's therapist can work through those issues if they really try.

I know it will be hard. Therapy is hard. It is scary. Confrontation can be downright frightening BUT it is a necessary part of a healthy life. We have to learn to stand up for ourselves and speak our minds. Any good therapist knows this and supports this. An alter speaking up for herself/himself even in regards to the therapist will be appreciated by the therapist and the others in the system, I would hope.

I know that the therapist for jip's system is an expert in her field. I believe that she can handle anything your alters have to say. And I believe that she can do that in a caring manner because she really does care about all of the system.

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism

Questions from Khaless

Recently, Khaless asked me a question in the comments on I told her that I would Questions from an Alter of Another System answer in a post. Now that Thanksgiving is over, I figured I better get this taken care of before I forget.

Khaless's questions were in regard to me saying that I have lost parts of my system.

Q: Is there no way you can ever now connect to them?

I guess I wasn't specific enough in my terms when I mentioned that I had lost personalities within my system. These missing parts are not misplaced. They are dead. That is not meant in a "dead to me" type of terminology that people apply to family or others when they are upset with behavior. It is meant in the concept of the more final forms of death. They cease to exist.


Q: Or are they gone forever?

Yes, they are gone forever. There are no traces of them within my system. While I have knowledge of the memories they had shared, that is all that is left.

Any memories that were not shared throughout the system or any secrets they didn't disclose are gone forever. And as I said in the first post, there is a disconnect between the knowledge of those memories and the feelings that went with them. I have no emotional attachment to those memories at all.

The most difficult part about this is there are things about my children and they're growing up, that are part of the emotional connection I have lost. Things that are important to my kids that I have no memory of. How these parts functioned in my system that put them at risk, I do not know for sure, I can only guess. All I know is that I was told when they were dying and that they are gone.

Q: If so how / why?

Personalities died during the time when my therapy was turned on it's ear. I posted the particulars about that episode during the posts that began Lunch and a Movie

During my indoctrination by the cult my psyche had been manipulated to include both the psychological AND the physical tortures that I was forced to endure. I posted about this in In Lunch and a Move Part 2

During my childhood when this was happening my developing system found a way to wall this combined torture off protecting my personalities from its harmful effects. Even during the therapy process my system continued to function in this protective format. Feelings were allowed but there were definitely protective buffers that helped me to feel the physical pain without the emotional pain at the same time. My therapist personality directed the process so that the damage the cult had intended was not unleashed.

Once my process was disturbed, I was at the mercy of my "emotional " programming. Even though my therapist personality was able to keep memories in check until I could get to a safe place to process them, the barriers and buffers my system had provided between the pain and my personalities was obliterated leaving my entire system reliving the tortures in the manner the cult had intended.

From what I can tell, personalities that had been made to experience feelings in a superficial manner but that were protected against the onslaught the cult had intended me to suffer, were now exposed directly to the who ugly mess. They were unable to cope with the combined physical, emotional AND psychic pain. As we abreacted (relived) the tortures in therapy, those parts died in the process, despite my system's best attempts to protect them.

The dying that happened is one of the reasons that I have chosen not to integrate. We processed only enough to get us past the hold that cult had over us. Keeping us believing that we deserved all that had happened to us. Once we found the source of that belief and healed it, we stopped the process, unwilling to risk loosing anymore parts of our self.


To be continued..........
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism

Questions from an Alter of Another System

Questions were posed on one of the other "multiple" blogs that I read that I said I would answer here on my blog. These questions came from an newly surfacing alter and were addressed to me and others who had been commenting on posts from this particular alter. I would post a link however this is a private blog for the safety of the system. To honor that I will also not use the names of the alters involved.

This "new" alter has been suggesting that she has issues with another alter and that she is in a position to do something about that. I think those of us reading were concerned that there might be trouble. We were asking questions trying to clarify the situation. In answer to our questions another post was made today which included these questions to us commenters.

Q: " Why is this alter of such great concern to you all? "

A: For me, the answer was automatic. All the parts are important to me. Each one contributes to the system. While the significance of different alters may not be important or even known to some within the system, it can be very important to others. Protecting all of the alters is an important part of working towards a healthy, productive system.

Besides I think there is a dangerous message there. If parts are disposable, isn't that a devaluation of the whole. Victims of abuse have enough trouble feeling valuable without being so discounted by their own systems. How do you convince alters to co-operate in a healing process when they can see that others can be or have been disposed of? It doesn't sound like anything that would encourage trust to me. And trust within the system is the most important part in finding a way to healing.

Knowing of the darkness from which this system must heal, there is a long road ahead. I know about the pitfalls and the booby traps. It seems to me that this system will need all of the strength that it can muster to take on this challenge and to come out the other side.

I have seen evidence in this alter of strength. Maybe she's not prefect (but who among us are) and can not hold it together all of the time. But she has been willing to ask some difficult questions of me and my guess is of others. Even though she must have known what she was going to learn, she asked those questions anyway. To me that shows bravery and strength. She wants to know and she is looking for healing for her system. Can you system afford to lose any measure of such things?

Just because she does not have the power to do it on her own doesn't mean that she has no value. I know first hand the power comes from those in the system joining together and working as a team. I believe it would be a loss to this system not to have any alter in the fight against the darkness who has expressed the desire to confront the evil

In addition as a multiple who has lost parts, I can tell you that it has left me (my system) with holes. Missing those pieces have left me unable to connect to parts of my life. I may have the knowledge of certain times and events ok but without any of the emotional attachment that go with those memories, it feels more like something out of yesterday's news than anything to do with me.

Those emotional holes are my biggest regret in all of this crazy life of mine. If there was any way I could go back and save those parts, I absolutely would in a heartbeat.

I have been able to put my life back together and learn to live a happy and productive life. But there is nothing I can do to "feel" those feelings of my lost parts. I understand how a victim of amnesia must feel being told about a life they have no attachment to. The disconnect is unbelievable.

Q: "While she needs the attention and the help in dealing with those flashes, would it not make sense to also give some attention to the ones the flashes are coming from?"

A: I would say from my experience that it is an important part of healing for all to deal with the flashes. It definitely makes sense to give some attention to the ones that the flashes are coming from that is for sure. But the very fact that someone is sending flashes shows they have some kind of faith or bond with her that is important to be utilized.

Each system works differently, so I won't pretend to know what the roles are here. But I do know that working as a team and accepting each and every part is the way to healing. I don't know if the one receiving the flashes needs to work through the flashed first for the safety of the one sending them, but I do know it could be a possibility. There is a lot to be considered.

Obviously the one sending the flashes is in some distress. That needs to be addressed. Whether dealing with the distress means working through what the flashes mean or building those parts up so they can work through them, only those in your system can tell for sure. But it would be important to "feel" things and make informed decisions instead of just jumping in head first.

My guess is the flashes are being sent to this particular alter for a reason. I would think knowing what that reason is would be a good first step in finding out how to resolve this.

Q: If they can be worked through with the ones who actually experienced these things, the flashes would then end for her, would they not?

A: I think I've stated this above, but will say it again. For there to be healing throughout the system, the issues that go with these flashes will need to be worked out throughout the system.

Certainly there has been plenty of evidence of that here on the blogosphere with JIP lately. I know she won't mind me using her for an example. Each part within a system needs to come to a place of understanding and acceptance for there to be healing.

Note: That is the list of questions. If there are more questions, from readers or the alter who asked these questions, please ask. The discussion created can be helpful to other multiples as well.

And to the alter who asked these questions, I want to say thank you for giving us the chance to participate in this dialog.



multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism

Clearing Up the Confusion - or So I Hope!

The series of posts I have just finished, Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns seems to have confused some people. Or more particularly, it is the last two posts of that series, particularly Part 4 that has been cause for some confusion.


The purpose of the series was to educate people about the inner workings of a multiple's mind particularly when it comes to the subject of right and wrong. I wanted people to understand that the human psyche can be so manipulated an individual can actually lose their free will and become the tool of another's evil. Such a multiple can be forced to participate in things that are totally against everything she/he believes in.

But I also wanted people to understand that there are those rare instances when a person who is a multiple can already have made the choice of evil before they were ever multiple. That person I believe should be culpable for that choice.

Jumpingpuddles in her second comment on Part 4

***********I think what rising is saying is a system who accepts this alters behaviour as normal and ok are equally to blame, those whose systems fight those who want to hurt are those who i believe should be given a chance to be listened to.

and I would add to that, the systems who fight are NOT responsible for the behavior of that bad or group of bad alters!


So as lightening finally strikes me with more simplistic terms, I want to say it comes down to the HEART of the individual. If at the very core of that person there is a good heart, then that is what really matters. That multiple is NOT responsible for anything they might have done. It is the OFFENDERS who are responsible.

IF, however, at the core of that person is a black and evil heart, that person should be held accountable! That person had full use of their free will when they chose to be black and evil in the first place.

NOTE: If this doesn't clear this up, or does, please let me know! I will keep at it until everyone understands that multiples who are battling black alters or enforcers are NOT responsible for the actions of those alters.

Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns - Part 2

Part 1


A child who has had her/his psyche fragmented no longer has input from her/his entire system. The input has been restricted by the process used to form the compartments. The goal is to keep those good compartments totally isolated from the bad ones. Cues are even put in place to call out the desired personalities when needed. and to cause the other parts to forget that the programming has happened or that they are sensitive to triggers so there is no overlap.

Once the compartmentalization has been done, the system is restricted in its ability to reason right and wrong. Its resources have been not only removed, but all traces of them obliterated. It is like the conscience never existed for some parts.

In addition, the parties who have caused this know that their power over this individual lies in controlling the input into these dark fragments. They make sure that the parts they want to control only experience life on the cult's terms thus guaranteeing ultimate control over the individual and all of its parts. This control is obscene and its ramifications go much further than most people could ever imagine..

The experience's the cult wants these parts to have, of course, are all horrendous. They want to assure that these isolated parts have no idea of good or its affects upon the world. They put extensive energy into manipulating the personalities turning them into bitter, bitter individuals, the darker the better. That way the personalities will do whatever they are ordered without hesitation and believe they are participating freely.

However, the person who is under this influence no longer has "free will" over their entire person. Free will is restricted by the walls within the system. Since information cannot flow freely and control cannot pass through the barriers, this individual is extremely compromised in the ability to live according to her/his values. Even the individuals instincts for self preservation have been compromised.

Adult survivor's of satanism struggle when they learn of the things their "evil" parts have done for the cult. That, too, is one of the things this programming counts on. The programming is designed to overpower the other personalities with guilt so they will hide and give way to the "evil" parts again or they will self destruct. Either way the cult wins. It is a built in safeguard to keep the person quiet and/or attached to the cult.

Only the survivor who is willing to face this guilt stands a chance of ever getting free from the influence of the cult. The difficult part is while the "good" personalities may be willing to stop the "bad' personalities, they have no knowledge of what has created those parts.

As the deeds of these "bad" alters are discovered, all the "good" parts have to go on is their overwhelming feelings of guilt that their "system" could do such things. The guilt they feel far outweighs their actual culpability for these acts. They totally lack the skills to see that the deeds have been accomplished through the manipulation and control of outsiders.

The cult doesn't really care whether the victim self-destructs, erupts in total chaos or retreats internally. Their secret remains secure because the victim is either dead, appears mentally unstable or continues to participate.

To be continued............

Part 3

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism

Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns

Human nature as it is means there is a bit of "bad" in all of us. That part that tells us to make fun of the funny looking kid, lie to save our skin, our covet our neighbor's husband or any of life's temptations. We get that little thought that creeps in and tells us to be naughty, then the good parts of us argue. It is the oldest story alive, good versus evil. That is the basis of our free will. We have the power to chose whether we acknowledge that "bad" and go with it or we listen to the good and chose to do what we think is right.

It seems simple enough. If we chose to do good things, we feel good about ourselves. If we chose to do bad things, we feel bad about ourselves. And supposedly that guilt that comes from doing the bad things, helps to keep us on the straight and narrow doing the good things.

But just suppose that someone knows how to manipulate human nature. They have the skills to take that "bad" and fragment it off from the rest of the psyche. Separated from the good parts of the psyche, that 'bad' looses the balance intended by the countering information of the good in us.

Once this has been accomplished our free will has been compromised. Now it is being affected and controlled by outside sources. There is no guilt because that guilt came from the rest of the psyche. Essentially the conscience of the individual has been silenced in this compartment.Without a conscience, it is easy to manipulate a person to do whatever! And I do mean whatever.

We know that there are humans who are born without a conscience. The belief is that maybe a genetic defect is the cause. The person who has been born this way still has the entire input of life to affect how they chose to deal with their defect. The world around them has plenty of examples of what is right and wrong. Even if the person doesn't feel the need to conform, they have enough input to know there will be consequences if they don't.

But this phenomenon can be created manually as described in our supposition above. There are studies about mind control that clearly support this.

Children are highly impressionable, the younger they are, they more easily they are influenced. So the younger the victim of this practice the easier it is to mold and shape the compartment into something evil. Because a child has limited experience, there is less chance the memory will hold information that might counteract programming. The younger the better, in other words.

This is the goal of the mind control that is satanism. There is much evidence to suggest that the process on small children is engineered solely for the purpose of creating Multiple Personality Disorder (now called Dissociative Identity Disorder) to trick children into choosing evil.Because evil cannot win out fairly over most people, it has learned how to turn man's humanity against itself to create a servant for evil.

To be continued...........

Part 2

PLEASE NOTE!!!! Jumpinginpuddles is having a very difficult time. She and her therapist are both under attack for locking up her enforcer personality, Sam. Her life is hanging in the balance.



multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism

More Prayer Requests

Jumpinginpuddles is having an on going fight with her enforcer personality. She and her therapist are both in danger. For her latest posts visit Life Spacings Both have requested more prayers beginning immediately.

I also think if anyone has any ideas of ways of employing the light for protection, that would be appreciated as well. I think they are going to need to call in the big guns.

On the scale of what JIP is dealing with, my little bounce off a horse seems minimal at best. I slept a lot of the day again today and am feeling a bit better. I'm not ready to go out and tackle the world but that's ok.

Please keep JIP and her therapist in your thoughts and prayers. And maybe when you're praying you might consider asking specifically for the protection of the Light.

The Veil of Secrecy

If you are following the blogs of other multiples, I'm sure that you have noticed an element of secrecy. That secrecy isn't there because multiples tend to be paranoid, it is there because they have something real to fear.

I have written before about enforcers within the systems of multiples. Enforcers can be as complicated as the systems they are part of. Enforcers tend to have the capacity to be coconscious with the most susceptible and vulnerable personalities. So not only can they come out externally and reek havoc on a system, they can terrorize parts too vulnerable to come to the front that still influence the front people.

That inner terrorization can carry lots of weight in how a system functions. Fear can easily immobilize attempts to make healthy choices, get help etc. Fear that cannot be traced carries extra weight just because it adds to confusion. As I've stated before confusion is the fodder that victimization feeds upon.

Cult survivors characteristically will be set-up with enforcers. That is in the plural because one survivor will usually have several enforcers. Each may have a different role or control a different set of alters. But you can bet they have been carefully "placed" to keep the system in check.

Any survivor who is trying to get free from her/his programming will definitely be pushing the buttons of their internal enforcers. However, internal enforcers are not their only threat. If there is any indication that a survivor is not totally submissive to programming, there may well be external threats.

The last thing that cults, whether satanists or others, want is for their "followers" to think they can be free. The way the cult survives is by keeping their victims trapped. Survivors providing support for other survivors threatens the whole organization. Cults will have many enforcers in place to torture and abuse or even kill any and all who might rock the boat.

From the beginning of my journey, the agency where I got counseling was threatened and the individuals who worked with me were threatened as well. Actually I'm not aware of a single survivor or their therapists who have not had threats made against them. Usually there are stories to go along with those threats about attempts to carry them out. I know that there were attempts to burn down the agency where I went.

Most times these threats will start even before the victim or the therapist has a clue what they are dealing with. The farther they get in the process, the more intense the threats and attempts will be. So to see that multiples are engaged in covering behind a veil of secrecy is understandable.

For me, I've gone to the other extreme. I run a business and I advertise so I'm right out there in the public on all levels. Because I know exactly what I am dealing with, I have ammunition to defend myself. That does not mean that at times I don't worry about some of the things I post. I'm perfectly aware that some enforcers might think they have something to gain by killing me. But I'm convinced I'd rather be a target than to live in anymore fear.

Jumpinginpuddles has written a post, Comment Moderation
that explains what is happening currently within her system. As JIP becomes more aware of the hold her enforcer personality had over over parts of her, she and her therapist are readying themselves for more battles. The enforcer, Sam, may be locked away but there may still be other enforcers planted as well as parts that have been tricked into helping enforcers. While she is on this dangerous journey, I will continue to ask my readers to keep her in your thoughts and prayers.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism

Some Things I Can't Explain

NOTE: This post has graphic content.

Recently I made a post on my blog requesting prayers for a survivor of ritualistic abuse. It may have sounded out of character for me since I tend to not post about the spirituals aspects of satanism. I do that because I know that a lot of people might be turned off by it and unable to hear the message here.

There are many things that I cannot explain that happened to me during that time in my life. Being one of those "logical" thinkers, I have a need to be able to explain everything. If I can't explain it in some way, shape or form, then I usually don't talk about it. And I'd really like not to believe it. But when it comes to this, I know what I experienced.

I have posted before about my feelings about God and spirituality.in What Has God Got to Do with It?
But I have not posted about the strange things that I encountered in cult activity. Strange meaning those things that I cannot explain.

Maybe part of the reason that I don't talk about it is I think that people won't believe me if I can't explain it. Heck sometimes it's hard for me to believe it so why should I expect others to do something I am struggling with.

The thing that changes all of that for me is the fact that there are still people out there trying to get free from cult involvement. I know how complicated getting free from cult influence can be. If I can do something to help those people then I am willing to do so even if it means some turmoil here.

What does this have to do with my response to a survivor requesting prayers? Well, it's about those things I can't explain. So instead of trying to, I'm going to tell you about my experience.

On Halloween night when I was seven years old, I was laid upon a marble alter. There were golden candelabras everywhere with long black tapers. On each candle was a golden medallion with the sign of the beast in the center. Sitting on an elevated throne overlooking the altar was a red robed figure around his neck hung a larger version of the same medallion.

There had been two weeks of ceremonies leading up to this celebration in honor of this "creature" and his "child." The ceremony being performed was the final step into the "adoption" of that "child."

Putting two and two together, you might already know that "that child" was me. I had been selected at the age of two for a particular placement within the cult. The five years that I had spent involved were an elaborate training process to ready me for my role as his successor.

Obviously, I wasn't going to take over as a child. My training was going to take a lifetime. There were stages that I was to go through along the way before I actually reached his exalted (their term, not mine) position. There were particular anniversary dates where I was to return for my "official" moves up the ladder. This Halloween night in 1954 was the second step in that series of extraordinary rituals.

But what I want to talk about here isn't the ladder or what my role was to be. The only reason I have told you that part is because it is significant to what happened to me that night. The authority of the cloaked figure and what my relationship to him was to be were the reasons for this particular ritual. The power used was dictated by his authority

At one point in the ceremony, there was a pronouncement committing my soul. I remember something about "the image and likeness of' before my soul was mentioned but frankly most the words are a blur. What isn't a blur is the blackness that over took me and seemed to infiltrate my very being as the word "soul" was spoken. My mind and body were flooded with powerful sensations.

Even now when I think about it, the goosebumps raise, my hair stands on end and the revulsion boils up in the pit of my stomach. The darkness was so black, the emptiness so empty, the chill so frigid. There is no doubt in my mind that nothing less that sheer, pure evil was taking over every part of me, clear through to my immortal soul.

I don't say these works lightly. The evil had a feeling, a smell, a weight, I can't even think of all the ways to describe its presence. I could feel the death, desperation and despair and all manner of hopelessness and evil that belongs in the pits of hell. I don't think I will ever be able to describe it in a way that seems adequate for what I experienced.

I can tell you that even at seven years old, I knew instantly I was making the decision of my life. All of my programming was supposed to make sure that I chose the darkness. But I did not. I screamed out for God.

As the words fell from my lips, the darkness fled and the cult erupted in chaos. That "creature" that I was to replace jumped to his feet, grabbed me from the altar and tossed me aside. Demanding the names of each and every person involved in my programming, he ranted about how he'd been disgraced as the area disintegrated into bedlam.

But again, I don't want to get off onto all of this. What I want you to understand, is that what I experienced was an actual spiritual assault. I can't explain how or why I know that I just do. It was not a trick fabricated by the cult to terrorize me. With every fiber of my being I know that it was the real thing.

I have experienced it once again since that night. On the day that I abreacted this memory, I was assaulted again. Like there was some kind of portal that allowed the evil access to my soul once again. It was the same but it was different.

"It" had knowledge of my entire life. Voices and darkness and haunting flashes perverted to convince me to change my choice. As sure as I am of my name, my age, my children, my passion for Arabian horses, I am sure that my soul was the target of those attacks. And I am sure, that all of this is real.

So when I tell you I know what one human being can do to another or how "evil" human beings can be, I tell you because I know how pure evil feels. I have experienced evil in its most dangerous form.
Because of this, I know if a survivor says she/he needs prayers the request needs to be honored. I know the fight is probably going to be much bigger than anything ever imagined. The survivor's very soul can be at stake.

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism