Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Some Things I Can't Explain

NOTE: This post has graphic content.

Recently I made a post on my blog requesting prayers for a survivor of ritualistic abuse. It may have sounded out of character for me since I tend to not post about the spirituals aspects of satanism. I do that because I know that a lot of people might be turned off by it and unable to hear the message here.

There are many things that I cannot explain that happened to me during that time in my life. Being one of those "logical" thinkers, I have a need to be able to explain everything. If I can't explain it in some way, shape or form, then I usually don't talk about it. And I'd really like not to believe it. But when it comes to this, I know what I experienced.

I have posted before about my feelings about God and What Has God Got to Do with It?
But I have not posted about the strange things that I encountered in cult activity. Strange meaning those things that I cannot explain.

Maybe part of the reason that I don't talk about it is I think that people won't believe me if I can't explain it. Heck sometimes it's hard for me to believe it so why should I expect others to do something I am struggling with.

The thing that changes all of that for me is the fact that there are still people out there trying to get free from cult involvement. I know how complicated getting free from cult influence can be. If I can do something to help those people then I am willing to do so even if it means some turmoil here.

What does this have to do with my response to a survivor requesting prayers? Well, it's about those things I can't explain. So instead of trying to, I'm going to tell you about my experience.

On Halloween night when I was seven years old, I was laid upon a marble alter. There were golden candelabras everywhere with long black tapers. On each candle was a golden medallion with the sign of the beast in the center. Sitting on an elevated throne overlooking the altar was a red robed figure around his neck hung a larger version of the same medallion.

There had been two weeks of ceremonies leading up to this celebration in honor of this "creature" and his "child." The ceremony being performed was the final step into the "adoption" of that "child."

Putting two and two together, you might already know that "that child" was me. I had been selected at the age of two for a particular placement within the cult. The five years that I had spent involved were an elaborate training process to ready me for my role as his successor.

Obviously, I wasn't going to take over as a child. My training was going to take a lifetime. There were stages that I was to go through along the way before I actually reached his exalted (their term, not mine) position. There were particular anniversary dates where I was to return for my "official" moves up the ladder. This Halloween night in 1954 was the second step in that series of extraordinary rituals.

But what I want to talk about here isn't the ladder or what my role was to be. The only reason I have told you that part is because it is significant to what happened to me that night. The authority of the cloaked figure and what my relationship to him was to be were the reasons for this particular ritual. The power used was dictated by his authority

At one point in the ceremony, there was a pronouncement committing my soul. I remember something about "the image and likeness of' before my soul was mentioned but frankly most the words are a blur. What isn't a blur is the blackness that over took me and seemed to infiltrate my very being as the word "soul" was spoken. My mind and body were flooded with powerful sensations.

Even now when I think about it, the goosebumps raise, my hair stands on end and the revulsion boils up in the pit of my stomach. The darkness was so black, the emptiness so empty, the chill so frigid. There is no doubt in my mind that nothing less that sheer, pure evil was taking over every part of me, clear through to my immortal soul.

I don't say these works lightly. The evil had a feeling, a smell, a weight, I can't even think of all the ways to describe its presence. I could feel the death, desperation and despair and all manner of hopelessness and evil that belongs in the pits of hell. I don't think I will ever be able to describe it in a way that seems adequate for what I experienced.

I can tell you that even at seven years old, I knew instantly I was making the decision of my life. All of my programming was supposed to make sure that I chose the darkness. But I did not. I screamed out for God.

As the words fell from my lips, the darkness fled and the cult erupted in chaos. That "creature" that I was to replace jumped to his feet, grabbed me from the altar and tossed me aside. Demanding the names of each and every person involved in my programming, he ranted about how he'd been disgraced as the area disintegrated into bedlam.

But again, I don't want to get off onto all of this. What I want you to understand, is that what I experienced was an actual spiritual assault. I can't explain how or why I know that I just do. It was not a trick fabricated by the cult to terrorize me. With every fiber of my being I know that it was the real thing.

I have experienced it once again since that night. On the day that I abreacted this memory, I was assaulted again. Like there was some kind of portal that allowed the evil access to my soul once again. It was the same but it was different.

"It" had knowledge of my entire life. Voices and darkness and haunting flashes perverted to convince me to change my choice. As sure as I am of my name, my age, my children, my passion for Arabian horses, I am sure that my soul was the target of those attacks. And I am sure, that all of this is real.

So when I tell you I know what one human being can do to another or how "evil" human beings can be, I tell you because I know how pure evil feels. I have experienced evil in its most dangerous form.
Because of this, I know if a survivor says she/he needs prayers the request needs to be honored. I know the fight is probably going to be much bigger than anything ever imagined. The survivor's very soul can be at stake.


Kahless said...

I will keep praying.

Anonymous said...

when we wre thirteen we called out to god and they had to stop a cermeony because of it, in that circumstance j*s*s came to us and from then no one could touch us that night, they did nearly the same response as your experience but in our case the punishment for us was great with sadness we also remember many times of darkness we still experience them and still have had times when we can also smell as you desribe.
Funny we thoguht we were ok but even writing this is scary for us but it also encourages us that we arent alone and that god can see us through.
thanks for sharing.

arthist99 said...

Wow. With every new post I am awestruck by how you have handled the things in your life, and at such a young age. I'm so glad you were able to rise above this.

Fallen Angels said...

I have a ton to say and no idea how much of it to say or how to even start. How about I just leave it at this...

I've been struck again by some (a lot of) similarities to a series of posts on my blog from over a year ago. Some minor details are different (specifically colors), but the rest...there is even a drawing about this on one of our posts.

BarnGoddess said...

I believe this kind of evil exists.

Your escape and survival from it means your soul is very strong and very good (in my opinion)

keepers said...

We have no doubt of what you say, we have heard from more than one person, on blogs, in emails over the phone and in person, not to mention our own background. As sure as there is a God there is an evil presence.

peace and blessings


TrustHIMPs57 said...

Thank you for sharing. We know about this as well... very vivid abbreactions, we have had at times ... and the evil tries to cause us to believe the LIE that we chose EVIL ....but True Jesus has given TRUTH that makes us FREE! At each turn, each time we become more aware of what evil has been done to us, it is an opportunity for His truth to prevail over the lies that have held us captive! :)
Maybe I can email privately to share some things... I am still coming to understand more about my past... it is very complicated... SRA and mind control well as DID.
Anyway... thank you for sharing!

Anonymous said...

Although It sounds close to something from a book or movie I believe you every word. I've heard of this before but I couldn't quite absorb it really happening untill I read this now.

I have had spiritual experiances also and felt the weight of darkness that I have cried out for Good that if there be any I would know it and there He caught me. To think what goes on behind closed doores. Prayers. This halloween I am lighting a candle and having a constant prayer in my heart. God's strength and power granted.

dinkleberries said...

Yes, I also believe you. I had an experience as a teenager after watching The Exorcist that corroborates your experience. When I called out to Jesus, the oppressive heavy evil black cloud was instantly gone. Can only guess what the consequences may have been if I hadn't known to do that. I am thankful I never found out.