Thursday, November 8, 2007

My Multiple Voice

On my post, The Mother

arthist99 asked some questions about my "voice." She has been reading the blogs of others with MPD (or DID) and has noticed that I have what she calls the "most consistent 'voice' with some blogs having posts with different writing styles, signed by different alters, etc.

I have said before that I believe that there are probably as many different ways for MPD to manifest itself as there are survivors. MPD is the result of extreme abuse in early childhood. How a victim perceives the threat will directly reflect how that victim tries to protect herself/himself.

I see multiples as being just like artists. They have taken their creativity and used it to design their internal system. That system suits their individual needs. I think that is one of the reason that "imagery" as a form of healing works so well within the multiple system. The system is a complex form of imagery after all.

The complexity of my system was directly related to the craziness of my abuse. There are several posts with information about my system , More Stage Two of My "Real" Therapy

More Recent History & My Most Recent Creation

What's In a Name? and probably others that I have missed. All of these have glimpses of how my system works, what I perceived as threats and why I made the choices I did.

While other multiples will talk about their offenders knowing that the victim had different parts, I don't think that anyone ever suspected that was the case with me. My system was really set up to be undetected. It was a huge part of my defense. If someone could figure me out, I was lost. Even as a young adult I prided myself on not being able to be read. (Obviously, I had no idea how isolated that kept me from people)

While those who know me and read my blog may not be able to see the different parts of me, they are there. I notice the differences when someone else is posting. There are very subtle clues.

I am so fractured that I probably do a lot of switching although I'm usually not aware of it at the time. Only when I notice a behavior that is "unlike" me. do I know. I am highly co-conscious so my system experiences pretty much everything regardless of who is in control. However, if I feel threatened the safeguards do come into play and the walls will go up.

For those of you not familiar with the medical jargon, co-consciousness would probably best be described as a state of having more than one personality or alter experiencing real time together. There can be many who experience it or just a couple.

Some multiples begin to be aware of their other personalities as they experience little over laps as one alter leaves and another moves up front. Sometimes systems need to have parts that overlap and pass information like mine. Those instances would probably be considered a form of co-consciousness.

As healing takes place, the walls between personalities can come down causing more and more co-conscious time. Most professionals believe that total integration should be the goal of any productive therapy. That might be a reasonable goal with a half dozen personalities but I really can't see the point for me. Many other multiples see it the same as me while others hate being multiple and can't wait for integration. (my guess is the later have quite a struggle because integration can only come with total acceptance. Hating one's personalities is a far cry from acceptance.)

I have not lost time since the last time I was raped. I think I was twenty at the time. I was assaulted in a parking lot after my shift at work by a co-worker. I still had to work with the guy and I couldn't afford time off work, so I stuffed it away in some closet. I still don't remember the actual rape but clearly remember before and after. It's just more of that pain my system has chosen not to deal with.

As long as I can function in a manner that doesn't interfere with my life (the life of all my system) and doesn't cause problems for my family, I don't really see why I should conform to some professionals idea of what is best for me. No one has ever done a good job of deciding what I need except for me.

And those professionals who have a blanket idea of how to treat us, I think they haven't a clue. They don't know what it is like to be a multiple. Nor do they have a clue what they are asking us to do. The only one who can decide if it is worthwhile to totally integrate is the individual multiple.


Kahless said...

I see multiples as being just like artists
I love that statement.

Fallen Angels said...

I firmly believe that the only DID experts are the people living with DID; and since each system is different, we are really only experts in our own system. That's not to say that people can't help each other...we absolutely CAN help each other, but then, most of us with DID recognize that how our system works may not be how your system works and is again not how some other person's system works. T's that claim to be experts get my hackles up. We are fortunate that our T never said fact, she flat out said she had very minimal experience and was willing to learn if that was agreeable to us. It was, and still is. She also does not use that nasty "I" word, ever. In fact, the one time we did talk about it, she said that she is actually unsure of if it is even a reasonable goal...coconsciousness is more to her liking. Which goes right along with what we think. Our ultimate goal is for Sera to be coconscious with the rest of us. And it actually looks like that is happening, very slowly, but it is happening (there have been other things besides what is going on with us right now).

jumpinginpuddles said...

I think the ingenuity of each seperate system to create safe places inside is a way to which we survive on the outside. Our parents knew and created parts and most poeple find hat hard to beleive, but we have spoken about that more than once on our blogs Amelia and deshanti were mum and dads play on good alter bad alter. Amelias our host and now deshantis a protector, amelia mostly fluctuates between im getting there to im getting nowhere, but she was designed to think like that.
She is sweet and kind and porcelein dollish but still as frustrating as blazes, in our case i think our abusers didnt care who saw us being different it was better for them often seen and spoken about as wierd crazy etc etc it only fuelded their purpose more.

jumpinginpuddles said...

in answer to your question on our blog yes please we knew this would happen but it doesnt lessen the fear we have een though we might try and hide it so prayer and light and care would help thankyou for offering

jumpinginpuddles said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rising Rainbow said...

JIP, I pushed the wrong button and published that comment by mistake. But I did catch it right away and deleted it immediately.

Sorry about that.

Rising Rainbow said...

kahless, I think it really fits. Too bad we can't get more professionals to understand what that means instead of trying to pidgeon hole us.

fallen angels, I totally agree with you. There can be so many ways that our systems can be different that each of us must figure out if something that worked for one multiple is even safe for another to try.

It is good that your therapist is open to what is best for your system. I think that lots of harm can be done by therapists trying to make us heal their way.

JIP, yes, I do think for many multiples being seen is not an issue. If it was, I don't think you would have different names etc because that wouldn't have been an effective way to hide. It is certainly clear to me that each system is set up the way it is because that is what was best for that victim at the time.

JIP, I'm not sure if I'm going to do a whole post or do something that I add to my posts each day to remind my readers to keep you in their thoughts and prayers while you go through this difficult time. But I will link it to the post telling about the "back up" plans for sam. I will keep including it until you tell me that you know you are completely safe. I know you will know when that time is.

Cheesemeister said...

I hope the guy that violated you got his 'nads caught in a fruit picker. Or a meat grinder. All rapists are scum and deserve no better.
Someone very dear to me is completely co-conscious at this point although the host personality used to lose time if he'd get severely depressed and his main protector personality took over. For the longest time these two didn't like each other at all. It caused a lot of problems.
I can think of at least two of the DID people I've met who are literally artists of a sort. One is a visual artist, the other does more with writing and poetry. I think your metaphor is very accurate.

arthist99 said...

I agree - "multiples as artists" - that's a wonderful way to describe it. It makes it much more clear to me as well.

Thank you for answering all of my questions. I really admire your courage. I am sure you are helping people with your posts, probably some you don't even realize.

Gudrun Frerichs said...

Kia ora, I like your comment about who has to make the decision about so-called full integration. It is your life and you are the only one who has to live with the decisions you make and live with the consequences. Therapists certainly won't do that for you. Check out the website from Scott Miller They have been for years on a mission to promote that what ever happens in therapy only works when it is client-driven and fits the clients beliefs and values. Individuals, multiples or singletons, are so different and complex. No one size fits all. I get ever so annoyed with therapists who think they know exactly what is right for their clients. And believe me, there are quite a lot of those. They even have manuals and step by step instructions for their interventions. The mind boggles! I know, because I am a therapist myself. Unfortunately, historically, mental health professionals have a tendency to suffer from expertosis. But I believe it is treatable - it may take a few years of therapy.
My best wishes for your journey - your blog seems to give a lot of hope and support to others. As they say, hope is the mainstay of recovery!
Cheers Gudrun Frerichs

Anonymous said...

"I have not lost time since the last time I was raped. I think I was twenty at the time. I was assaulted in a parking lot after my shift at work by a co-worker. I still had to work with the guy and I couldn't afford time off work, so I stuffed it away in some closet. I still don't remember the actual rape but clearly remember before and after. It's just more of that pain my system has chosen not to deal with."

I well understand how that can happen as an adult. After the ritual abuse started when i was about 20 myself, i was working cleaning a high dollar house late one night before my marriage. Only the decorator (don't believe he was mixed up in the ra) and myself were there. I can remember coming down the stairs and seeing the designer standing at the base of the stairs. He held his hand out to me and.....that is it. No more memory until i think i see myself walking down the hallway nearby from the back.

At the time, i told my boyfriend (husband later) how the designer held out his hand for me to take. He asked me angrily if i took his hand, and i told him that i couldn't remember. He became furious with me and didn't seem to believe me. He acted as though i was lying to him about it, but it was the truth.

How i long to fully "know" what happened that night! I don't care if it hurts, i just want to know. Why won't my mind just tell me? I don't want any more amnesia, not a bit. What is really frustrating is that i have dealt with memories coming back of the most HIDEOUS abuse from my ex brother in law and his satanic cohorts, but i can't remember what that designer did to make me blank out that night! Doesn't make any sense...
Thanks for letting me "rant" about this,