Sunday, November 4, 2007

The Mother

Over the years I've come across a number of multiples who have referred to their matriarch as "the mother." I have to admit that the first time I heard this a part of me grinned and went, "Hey! I can relate to that!"

While someone who has not ever been abused might not understand, being able to take that offending parent off of the list of people to be respected (as we were taught - she MUST be respected no matter what she did, because after all, she is our mother) and refer to her as THE mother is a huge healing step.
Adding that word, the, in front of the word, mother, clearly puts her into a category of disrespect. It changes the relationship from one of obligatory reverence to one of disdain. For the first time in many of our lives, the responsibility for the abuse has finally been placed upon the offender, or major enabler, whichever the case might be.

It gives the victim the opportunity to begin expressing some of their stored up anger against a party who should have carried it all along. The best part, as I see it, is it finally gives the victim some power. Turning the anger outward instead of against themselves is a huge step toward a healthy recovery.

Once I heard this phrase, the mother, I gladly took it on for a while. It felt freeing not to have to give her respect when she had never earned it. Making the decision that I would no longer just dole out respect because I was told enabled me to begin assigning responsibility where it was due. It opened the door for me to see that I might just be lovable after all, instead of blindly accepting the fact that I must be something less than human if even my mother couldn't love me.

For the first time I could see that maybe it was "the mother" that was flawed instead of me. Imagine the possibility that there really was room for me in the world. It truly is amazing what a little word like THE could change in my way of thinking.


Lynn said...

Another word thing. 'The'. You are a beautiful thinker! And yes, it is nice not to be a great big dumping ground anymore. 'The mother' actually came over to my house today. I told her how awful it was of her to have always insisted that I pretend to feel okay when I was really very scared and anxious with no one to help or comfort me. She, and he, systematically pathologized emotion for me. I also told her that if 'the father' were still alive, I would be calling HIM out on the carpet as well. And he would have a lot more to answer for. I thought he was great until the nightmares and panic attacks started coming after his death. The truth had started to leak.

Pixie said...

Oh I'm so pleased for you!That is such a big step in externalising your rage, insead of internalising it.
Just keep finding safe ways to let go of that rage..... how dare THOSE people do the things THEY did to you.
You the innocent child.
My fingers are crossed that you can carry on moving forward hon!

Rising Rainbow said...

lynn, isn't it interesting how the use a one little word can help.

pixie, for me this process was done a long time ago. I have long since healed from the pain of my childhood. I'm just out here blogging away trying to encourage and support anyone who needs it. Because I know that knowing people really can live through it and heal, can be helpful to those still caught by the heartache of childhood abuse.

keepers said...

you are so right adding "the" puts a whole new twist on words. we bet a lot of people will see this and begin to use it. thanks for sharing.

peace and blessings


Fallen Angels said...

We've been using "the mother" and "the father" for a long itme. Never really put all that much thought into it. For us it simply was they are HER parents...not ours. I like the thought you have put into it...maybe we did actually do this...subconsciously.

Anonymous said...

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kïrstin said...

i just wanted to say hi, and thank you for your comments. i really want to come back and read some more. you have some deep stuff here lately, and i want to catch up.

DJ Kirkby said...

Good reasoning on your part in my opinion! 'The' mother...tidies certaim emotions away nicely...

arthist99 said...

From the other MPD (or DID) blogs I've read, it seems that you have the most consistent "voice." On other blogs, different identities speak in different posts, but in your case, if you had never said you had MPD, I would never have guessed. You might have answered this somewhere already, but is your system like a classroom with a teacher who is the spokesperson, or is there one main personality who is just dominant and speaks more than others? Or is it something else entirely?

jumpinginpuddles said...

we use the term becasue real parents have a loving label like mum or dad others get the person the means you arent worthy of anything more pesonal

Rising Rainbow said...

keepers, it sure helped me and I've notice that others are doing it as well, that's what reminded me of it.

fallen angels, that subconscious thing is possible. It's amazing how that can work. I know I've done things like that myself.

anonymous, I checked it out and commented about what I know. I'm afraid it wasn't much.

kristin, thanks for visiting and commenting.

dj kirby, I am definitely with you there.

arthist99, I have done some posting about how my system works but it's probably best if I do a post to address this question since I'm sure it's another that others are wondering about. And, it's complicated. I have a post finished. I'll do this after that.

JIP, you are absolutely right about it being impersonal and less respectful, I might add.

April_optimist said...

Oh, absolutely we have to be able to step back from that belief that we must honor our mothers! How else are we going to undo the lies she told us? How else are we going to rewrite our beliefs about ourselves and the world unless we can see that our mothers were not perfect or admirable or right?

A powerful tool for me was to imagine a safe place in my mind and my mother in a cage in that place so she could not hurt me. I would tell her all the ways she hurt me and the lies I was now rejecting and the anger that I felt for what she had done. It was powerful and a necessary step before I could get to letting go.