My favorite aunt was the black sheep of the family. Not that there was any reason particularly why that was the case. The only thing I knew was that maybe Margie had called CPS on my grandmother when my mom and her were teenagers.
Of course, the implication at the time was that Margie was just trying to make trouble for Grandma. Or maybe it was the belief that life wouldn't be any better away from her. Maybe just maybe it would be worse. Still it was Margie's fault that the powers that be looked at the family and we all knew what a big sin that was.
Yet, one little sentence about Margie's wrong doing was all I ever got. Loaded with all that innuendo. It never put me off. I loved Margie. She was bigger than life, beautiful, funny and she cared about me.
I didn't care for her family much. She had three boys. They were wild, destructive. One even torched a garage. Can't remember if it was the neighbor's or their own. Clearly they were a family in crisis.
I heard stories about her controlling husband. Possessive, jealous, with a bad temper yet wanting her to be in the limelight and then maybe beating her for it. But I was young. I didn't understand the implications of all these things. All I knew was the couple of times I remember staying with my aunt I felt special even if her bratty boys picked on me. Being seen in her eyes somehow made me important, at least to her.
I dont' know when Margie went away. Maybe after the kids were grown. I just know she was moved off and had no contact with the family. She had a problem with booze but then all of them did, only she was the one that got pointed out.
Margie got heavy, very heavy. Her beautiful model's body lost under layers and layers of fat. I remember her face was so distorted I hardly recognized her. It was her laugh that confirmed for me it really was my beloved Margie.
She would be ostracized for a while, years sometimes. Then she suddenly reappear and I'd be so glad to see her. I never knew what or why she was come and gone only that she was. Still I worshiped that woman. I wanted to be like her. I wanted to be beautiful and funny.
I didn't care that the family considered her to be the black sheep. She was a queen to me. Probably because she cared about me, or I thought she did. Who really knows with her disappearing like that for years at a time but it never changed my feelings about her.
I don't' even know what happened to Aunt Margie. All I know is I ended up like her in a way I hadn't figured. I ended up the black sheep of the family. The one who told secrets. The one ostracized. The one spoken about in illicit terms.
I'll bet my siblings refer to me in the same terms as Margie got. Nothing specific anyone could put a finger on. Heck, if you did that, it might be possible to find the truth. No, the implication of secret unthinkable things has so much more power to keep one pushed off in a corner and ignored. For the first time in my life I understand why I never knew what Margie did or said for sure but with all I've been through I can certainly imagine. Makes me love her even more. Guess Margie and I were kindred spirits. I just didn't get it at the time.
Showing posts with label Family of Origin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family of Origin. Show all posts
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
A Little Bit of Clarification
I was thinking about my last post, Decisions........... and the fact I lumped most of my family within the scope of that post. Thinking about it now, I think I show do some clarifying about what I said.
The title of the post, Decisions, might make it sound like I made more than one decision at this time. That is not, however, what I did. I actually made the same decision to include my daughter and her family in the list of those family members that I keep my distance from. The rest of those on that list, I decided about many years ago. This newest decision was the most difficult because it involves one of my own children and my grandchildren.
I did not come by this decision lightly and I didn't actually push anyone away. The distance had already been imposed by my daughter who has not really spoken to me since she hung up on me sometime last summer.
I have posted about the issues that I thought were developing between my daughter and me. One of them, Betrayal was just at the beginning of me really realizing the differences between my daughter's values and mine. While I didn't have answers when I did that post, all I had was my feelings about an evolving situation, I probably "should" have realized where things were heading.
It was only as I began to learn of my daughter's involvement with "those people" around my recent lawsuit, that I began to see what I should have seen much earlier. There really has been no healing on the part of my daughter from things long since past. Her patterns of blaming me for her problems is still very much at play in how she navigates the world.
I thought the two of us were getting closer over the past few years. From the point I began teaching my granddaughter to ride, I thought our relationship over horses was healing our personal relationship. It turns out that I was wrong. It is obvious there has been no healing on her part. She is still very much set on punishing me for things that do not go her way.
From her days as a teenager whacked out on drugs to now, the only thing that seems to have changed in her behaviors is she is no longer doing drugs. She is still a victim and living by the rules of victimization. Her personal power is constantly manipulated to make it look like she is powerless. Life is something that is done to her, not something she lives. AND I am the source of her pain, IT is my fault.
Playing the victim all the time seems to work for her. It is a skill she has honed to a fine art and unfortunately she has passed it on to her children. The way the truth has been manipulated to support their behavior has not only shocked me but broken my heart in a way I'm sure my posts these last months has reflected.
It has been a difficult dark time, this realization that our relationship was based on a lie. My daughter has not healed nor forgiven despite years of counseling. Every thing she has done has been for a reason, to obtain a desired result, to manipulate, to gain my trust where it wasn't really deserved.
I was not ready nor prepared for the discovery that nothing had changed in our relationship over all these years. Nor was I prepared for the fact that my grandchildren were actively involved in helping to paint that picture of me as someone who I am not. I DO NOT NOW or have I ever hated my daughter or my grandchildren, nor am I the ogre she tries to make me. Them saying I am, will never make it so.
I am not going to go into all of the facts that have come to light that have made it clear how manipulative and dishonest my daughter actually is but I am going to say I have learned enough to know that the best place for me is at the distance my daughter has delegated me to, both from her and from her children.
I have no expectations that my daughter or her children will ever seek a real relationship with me. Should the day ever come that any of them are willing to step up and take responsibility for themselves and their lives, I will be there ready to help. I will not, however, open myself up again to having my heart stomped on. My expectations will not change until I have learned they have truly changed. In the meantime I will continue to protect my heart in whatever ways necessary.
The title of the post, Decisions, might make it sound like I made more than one decision at this time. That is not, however, what I did. I actually made the same decision to include my daughter and her family in the list of those family members that I keep my distance from. The rest of those on that list, I decided about many years ago. This newest decision was the most difficult because it involves one of my own children and my grandchildren.
I did not come by this decision lightly and I didn't actually push anyone away. The distance had already been imposed by my daughter who has not really spoken to me since she hung up on me sometime last summer.
I have posted about the issues that I thought were developing between my daughter and me. One of them, Betrayal was just at the beginning of me really realizing the differences between my daughter's values and mine. While I didn't have answers when I did that post, all I had was my feelings about an evolving situation, I probably "should" have realized where things were heading.
It was only as I began to learn of my daughter's involvement with "those people" around my recent lawsuit, that I began to see what I should have seen much earlier. There really has been no healing on the part of my daughter from things long since past. Her patterns of blaming me for her problems is still very much at play in how she navigates the world.
I thought the two of us were getting closer over the past few years. From the point I began teaching my granddaughter to ride, I thought our relationship over horses was healing our personal relationship. It turns out that I was wrong. It is obvious there has been no healing on her part. She is still very much set on punishing me for things that do not go her way.
From her days as a teenager whacked out on drugs to now, the only thing that seems to have changed in her behaviors is she is no longer doing drugs. She is still a victim and living by the rules of victimization. Her personal power is constantly manipulated to make it look like she is powerless. Life is something that is done to her, not something she lives. AND I am the source of her pain, IT is my fault.
Playing the victim all the time seems to work for her. It is a skill she has honed to a fine art and unfortunately she has passed it on to her children. The way the truth has been manipulated to support their behavior has not only shocked me but broken my heart in a way I'm sure my posts these last months has reflected.
It has been a difficult dark time, this realization that our relationship was based on a lie. My daughter has not healed nor forgiven despite years of counseling. Every thing she has done has been for a reason, to obtain a desired result, to manipulate, to gain my trust where it wasn't really deserved.
I was not ready nor prepared for the discovery that nothing had changed in our relationship over all these years. Nor was I prepared for the fact that my grandchildren were actively involved in helping to paint that picture of me as someone who I am not. I DO NOT NOW or have I ever hated my daughter or my grandchildren, nor am I the ogre she tries to make me. Them saying I am, will never make it so.
I am not going to go into all of the facts that have come to light that have made it clear how manipulative and dishonest my daughter actually is but I am going to say I have learned enough to know that the best place for me is at the distance my daughter has delegated me to, both from her and from her children.
I have no expectations that my daughter or her children will ever seek a real relationship with me. Should the day ever come that any of them are willing to step up and take responsibility for themselves and their lives, I will be there ready to help. I will not, however, open myself up again to having my heart stomped on. My expectations will not change until I have learned they have truly changed. In the meantime I will continue to protect my heart in whatever ways necessary.
Friday, January 25, 2008
What If It just Doesn't Seem That Bad to Me?
In a comment on Another Group of Questions - Part 2 Elizabeth writes
I always feel a little silly about my own problems with dealing with the past, because haven't experienced the kinds of abuses you and others have. I've experienced some things, some treatment that intellectually I don't think is okay, but I definitely do have a hard time feeling justified in having difficulties with it.
This is a typical response from a victim. It is classic old family rules. Believing in those rules and all they imply is what keeps victims stuck.
The details of one's abuse are not important what is important is the feelings. We all, no matter what the specifics were of our abuses, have the same feelings over them.
Keep in mind just because someone might not understand those feelings, doesn't mean that your feelings are not valid. They are your feelings, you are entitled to them. No one can tell you that your feelings are wrong. And the same is true of you, telling yourself that you are not entitled to those feelings is destructive. It reinforces those old negative messages and beats down your self esteem.
Victim behavior is not dictated by how severe the abuse was, only by the fact it happened. If anything, I have come to learn some victims including satanism and RA survivors will usually use "how can this be true," while the others are busy with, "mine's not as bad as that." Either way is a manipulation to discount their pain and believe they are just making a big deal out of nothing. These are negative messages based in the family of origin.
The most difficult abuses to deal with I have seen have to do with psychological incest. The victims of those scenarios have no physical pain to attach their pain to and find themselves trapped by mind games they can't even begin to comprehend as abuse. They easily take on that mantle of "I'm making a big deal out of nothing." They just cannot believe the wounds to their psyche matter at all.
Again we are back to discounting feelings. There are probably a million ways to do so but the purpose of all those excuses is the same, to keep the victim down and their mouth shut! The family of origin had to function under these rules to protect the offender and keep the family intact, regardless of the cost.
Spending time discounting one's victimization is a waste of time. It is just another destructive behavior preventing the victim from getting free. The time would be better spent challenging those old messages and finally beginning to care for that wounded inner child.
The rest of Elizabeth's comment reads:
I wonder if it's not really an issue of comparing my own childhood experiences with others so much as the kind of not knowing what's okay /not okay that you're talking about here--the way kids assume what happens to them is ordinary (no reference point and all). Your post got me thinking some more about this,
She is so very right about this point. Her frame of reference for what is ordinary has been based on her family of origin. It is that perspective that keeps her stuck in the web that makes up victim behavior. Dismantling that web by tearing down those old perceptions one by one is the way to heal from abuse.
So again we come back to the same place. The issues are all based on perceptions we learned from our family of origin. The only way to get free from this trap is to challenge those perceptions and replace them with new healthy ones.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did perception
I always feel a little silly about my own problems with dealing with the past, because haven't experienced the kinds of abuses you and others have. I've experienced some things, some treatment that intellectually I don't think is okay, but I definitely do have a hard time feeling justified in having difficulties with it.
This is a typical response from a victim. It is classic old family rules. Believing in those rules and all they imply is what keeps victims stuck.
The details of one's abuse are not important what is important is the feelings. We all, no matter what the specifics were of our abuses, have the same feelings over them.
Keep in mind just because someone might not understand those feelings, doesn't mean that your feelings are not valid. They are your feelings, you are entitled to them. No one can tell you that your feelings are wrong. And the same is true of you, telling yourself that you are not entitled to those feelings is destructive. It reinforces those old negative messages and beats down your self esteem.
Victim behavior is not dictated by how severe the abuse was, only by the fact it happened. If anything, I have come to learn some victims including satanism and RA survivors will usually use "how can this be true," while the others are busy with, "mine's not as bad as that." Either way is a manipulation to discount their pain and believe they are just making a big deal out of nothing. These are negative messages based in the family of origin.
The most difficult abuses to deal with I have seen have to do with psychological incest. The victims of those scenarios have no physical pain to attach their pain to and find themselves trapped by mind games they can't even begin to comprehend as abuse. They easily take on that mantle of "I'm making a big deal out of nothing." They just cannot believe the wounds to their psyche matter at all.
Again we are back to discounting feelings. There are probably a million ways to do so but the purpose of all those excuses is the same, to keep the victim down and their mouth shut! The family of origin had to function under these rules to protect the offender and keep the family intact, regardless of the cost.
Spending time discounting one's victimization is a waste of time. It is just another destructive behavior preventing the victim from getting free. The time would be better spent challenging those old messages and finally beginning to care for that wounded inner child.
The rest of Elizabeth's comment reads:
I wonder if it's not really an issue of comparing my own childhood experiences with others so much as the kind of not knowing what's okay /not okay that you're talking about here--the way kids assume what happens to them is ordinary (no reference point and all). Your post got me thinking some more about this,
She is so very right about this point. Her frame of reference for what is ordinary has been based on her family of origin. It is that perspective that keeps her stuck in the web that makes up victim behavior. Dismantling that web by tearing down those old perceptions one by one is the way to heal from abuse.
So again we come back to the same place. The issues are all based on perceptions we learned from our family of origin. The only way to get free from this trap is to challenge those perceptions and replace them with new healthy ones.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did perception
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Just What Really Is "Our" Self? Part 3
Part 1
With that being said, the ways that we have changed would probably be the best indicators of what really "our" self has become. In the beginning our of our journey, we had no idea who we were as a person or what we wanted. The person we manifested to the world was the one we thought we were supposed to be.
It's pretty strange to be in your thirties and just finding out for the first time what you like and don't like. Literally everything was up for grabs from what we liked to eat, to wear, to read, to dream. You name it, it was a time to figure out what our preferences really were..
It's like having a chance to start over. Instead of worrying about who we had been, it was time to become the person we wanted to be. In order to do that we had to reassess some of the messages from our past. But first we had to identify those messages.
Locating the first message was easy, with a nick name like Two Ton Lil, seeing ourselves as fat was a problem. But turning all the voices off in my head that said you are fat was quite a challenge. Even though the people around us at home and in therapy all said we were NOT fat we still had lots of voices saying you look fat in that and you can't wear this color etc because it'll make you look fat. Those voices were based on things we were taught in a toxic environment and had to be reeducated to see reality instead of the rules of our abusive past.
If you know me, you probably can't understand why I would ever think I am fat but I did. I totally understand the anorexic looking into the mirror and seeing herself as fat because I was told all my life that I was fat. I believed that I was fat even though my weight has usually been well withing the parameters for my height and build. In my family of origin, a woman would have to be a size 2 to be considered thing. Even if I was a practicing anorexic I would never become a size 2. My skeleton is bigger than that so when I looked in the mirror a saw a person who could never be that small so I must be fat!
Realizing that my body is not fat was a big deal. It meant that all of those styles of clothing we should never wear because they would make us look fatter!! had to be reanalyzed. And then there were the colors that might make us look thinner etc. Everything about our wardrobe and hairstyle was now open to the prospect of change.
It was actually an interesting dilemma trying to figure out what our tastes really were. Of course, everyone had an opinion and we tried lots of things. It's a good thing I can sew well because it gave us more freedom to experiment.
But it wasn't just about fat and clothes. The fat was just one of the easier things to identify. Once we knew that we could not trust what they had taught us about the world and ourselves, it was time to find out what the world was really like and about ourself. With our new wardrobe it was easier to remind ourselves that the rules had changed and it was ok to challenge the past and look at things differently.
And I might mention, the choice of clothing had it's own message about who we were. Everything we wanted to try was soft and natural. Those were the most important things. To this day 100% cotton is like a magnet drawing us closer and closer (even though I really hate to shop!) The styles of the clothes were feminine and flowing and they had to be easy care! I can't even begin to tell you how far off that is from where we started but it a huge step forward in our journey to discover our real self.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
With that being said, the ways that we have changed would probably be the best indicators of what really "our" self has become. In the beginning our of our journey, we had no idea who we were as a person or what we wanted. The person we manifested to the world was the one we thought we were supposed to be.
It's pretty strange to be in your thirties and just finding out for the first time what you like and don't like. Literally everything was up for grabs from what we liked to eat, to wear, to read, to dream. You name it, it was a time to figure out what our preferences really were..
It's like having a chance to start over. Instead of worrying about who we had been, it was time to become the person we wanted to be. In order to do that we had to reassess some of the messages from our past. But first we had to identify those messages.
Locating the first message was easy, with a nick name like Two Ton Lil, seeing ourselves as fat was a problem. But turning all the voices off in my head that said you are fat was quite a challenge. Even though the people around us at home and in therapy all said we were NOT fat we still had lots of voices saying you look fat in that and you can't wear this color etc because it'll make you look fat. Those voices were based on things we were taught in a toxic environment and had to be reeducated to see reality instead of the rules of our abusive past.
If you know me, you probably can't understand why I would ever think I am fat but I did. I totally understand the anorexic looking into the mirror and seeing herself as fat because I was told all my life that I was fat. I believed that I was fat even though my weight has usually been well withing the parameters for my height and build. In my family of origin, a woman would have to be a size 2 to be considered thing. Even if I was a practicing anorexic I would never become a size 2. My skeleton is bigger than that so when I looked in the mirror a saw a person who could never be that small so I must be fat!
Realizing that my body is not fat was a big deal. It meant that all of those styles of clothing we should never wear because they would make us look fatter!! had to be reanalyzed. And then there were the colors that might make us look thinner etc. Everything about our wardrobe and hairstyle was now open to the prospect of change.
It was actually an interesting dilemma trying to figure out what our tastes really were. Of course, everyone had an opinion and we tried lots of things. It's a good thing I can sew well because it gave us more freedom to experiment.
But it wasn't just about fat and clothes. The fat was just one of the easier things to identify. Once we knew that we could not trust what they had taught us about the world and ourselves, it was time to find out what the world was really like and about ourself. With our new wardrobe it was easier to remind ourselves that the rules had changed and it was ok to challenge the past and look at things differently.
And I might mention, the choice of clothing had it's own message about who we were. Everything we wanted to try was soft and natural. Those were the most important things. To this day 100% cotton is like a magnet drawing us closer and closer (even though I really hate to shop!) The styles of the clothes were feminine and flowing and they had to be easy care! I can't even begin to tell you how far off that is from where we started but it a huge step forward in our journey to discover our real self.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Is Multiple Personality Disorder or DID Genetic? Part 2
Part 1
As for younger siblings copying the coping mechanism, I have mixed feelings about that. I think they would have to see the coping mechanism to copy it. I think the only way my siblings could have copied my dissociative system would be if they could somehow get inside my head. Certainly the professionals I have come in contact with have never been able to figure it out, so I doubt there is much chance that my younger siblings could.
Also, I don't believe that anyone could tell that I was a multiple for most of my life. So how would my siblings see something to copy? Only once I began peeling the onion of my psyche did the exterior clues begin to manifest.
Appearances were everything in my family of origin. If you could appear normal, you could blend in better. Blending in was of utmost importance. Doing anything that might make the family look bad would have been yet another reason for torture. So it was imperative to be high functioning and look "normal."
To survive in my family of origin, I needed to forget but I needed to know too. My system had a safety check to ensure that I was never a victim because I didn't know something when I should or forget something when I should. Complicated yes but equally it was effective.
But I do believe that we humans have a built in protection system. When life gets too overwhelming or boring for that matter, anyone can zone out to take a break. It happens instinctively. Everyone can relate to zoning out while driving down the same old boring road.
As a multiple I know it's just a little bit farther trip down that zone out to the place that someone new takes over. I am very aware of times in my life where I passed into that zone, thought about my options, and made a choice what to do to survive or escape pain. Did I know at the time I had MPD or even that I was trying to escape my life? No, but I do remember the occurrences.
I think that multiples have such varied ways of presenting because their individual experiences are so varied. The complexity of the system created to deal with abuse must be directly related to the complexity of the abuse and the levels of cruelty of the offenders involved.
As for this part of kat_womanx2 question "certain types of abuse causing a specific problem" I have to say that I don't believe that the coping mechanism in and of itself is the problem. Without it, children would not survive horrific abuse.
I believe the problem comes when the system created doesn't adapt to living a normal life. Some people with MPD never seek out professional help and are high functioning, well respected members of society. Unless an emotional upheaval dramatic enough to upset their system comes along in their life, they will go on functioning just fine.
Because the diagnosis is found in the book, does that make someone mentally ill? Or are they mentally ill because the coping mechanism has not adapted to a life away from abuse causing the person hardship in their lives?
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
As for younger siblings copying the coping mechanism, I have mixed feelings about that. I think they would have to see the coping mechanism to copy it. I think the only way my siblings could have copied my dissociative system would be if they could somehow get inside my head. Certainly the professionals I have come in contact with have never been able to figure it out, so I doubt there is much chance that my younger siblings could.
Also, I don't believe that anyone could tell that I was a multiple for most of my life. So how would my siblings see something to copy? Only once I began peeling the onion of my psyche did the exterior clues begin to manifest.
Appearances were everything in my family of origin. If you could appear normal, you could blend in better. Blending in was of utmost importance. Doing anything that might make the family look bad would have been yet another reason for torture. So it was imperative to be high functioning and look "normal."
To survive in my family of origin, I needed to forget but I needed to know too. My system had a safety check to ensure that I was never a victim because I didn't know something when I should or forget something when I should. Complicated yes but equally it was effective.
But I do believe that we humans have a built in protection system. When life gets too overwhelming or boring for that matter, anyone can zone out to take a break. It happens instinctively. Everyone can relate to zoning out while driving down the same old boring road.
As a multiple I know it's just a little bit farther trip down that zone out to the place that someone new takes over. I am very aware of times in my life where I passed into that zone, thought about my options, and made a choice what to do to survive or escape pain. Did I know at the time I had MPD or even that I was trying to escape my life? No, but I do remember the occurrences.
I think that multiples have such varied ways of presenting because their individual experiences are so varied. The complexity of the system created to deal with abuse must be directly related to the complexity of the abuse and the levels of cruelty of the offenders involved.
As for this part of kat_womanx2 question "certain types of abuse causing a specific problem" I have to say that I don't believe that the coping mechanism in and of itself is the problem. Without it, children would not survive horrific abuse.
I believe the problem comes when the system created doesn't adapt to living a normal life. Some people with MPD never seek out professional help and are high functioning, well respected members of society. Unless an emotional upheaval dramatic enough to upset their system comes along in their life, they will go on functioning just fine.
Because the diagnosis is found in the book, does that make someone mentally ill? Or are they mentally ill because the coping mechanism has not adapted to a life away from abuse causing the person hardship in their lives?
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Is Multiple Personality Disorder or DID Genetic?
kat_womanx2 from the
Straight from the Cat Box blog asked the question about MPD possibly being a genetic disorder. I assume from her question that she wondered this because of my belief that others of my siblings also have the MPD.
I'm not qualified to answer whether MPD is genetic or not. From what I can tell there haven't been any studies done to tell one way or another. For that matter, there is still so much skepticism in the professional community about the validity of the diagnosis in the first place, I'd be surprised to see the subject of where it comes from or how it's caused to even be a consideration in the professionals' minds at this time. I personally think the search for a genetic link will be a long time coming.
I think the same is true for the possibilities that it might be a learned behavior. I doubt that the experts have even gotten that far in the field to think of such a possibility. I think the focus really is finding the best way to diagnosis and treat multiplicity. With multiples being as diverse as they are in their functioning, it may be decades before they even have a good grasp of that.
With that being said, I certainly have my own thoughts about the subject of why there might be so many multiples in my family of origin. First and foremost would be the fact that those things I have always remembered as being a part of the treatment we received at the hands of my mother were the very things that the child in "Sybil" had repressed and were said to be the cause of her multiplicity.
The type of abuse it takes to cause a child to dissociate dramatically enough to cause multiple personality disorder was rampant in my family of origin. That fact alone would be enough to cause me and all of my siblings to have utilized the coping mechanism.
For example my youngest brother has no memory of being tied to a chair with a rag stuffed down his throat to prevent him from crying. He was only two years old at the time. While he has no memory of the event, the rest of us all remember it vividly. This includes my sister who was younger than him.
And a couple of my siblings remember seeing my mother do the same thing to my children. However, none of us remember it ever happening to us. Nor have any of the others ever considered it ever happened to them.
Taking that into account and then the fact that we all have such varied stories about what happened when and where, MPD certainly makes it easier to understand how we could all be so adamant about our individual versions of our lives. While it's easier to believe that some or all of us are probably lying, it is entirely possible that each is telling the truth as that person knows it. If that is the case, then all of us are multiples.
To be continued............
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Straight from the Cat Box blog asked the question about MPD possibly being a genetic disorder. I assume from her question that she wondered this because of my belief that others of my siblings also have the MPD.
I'm not qualified to answer whether MPD is genetic or not. From what I can tell there haven't been any studies done to tell one way or another. For that matter, there is still so much skepticism in the professional community about the validity of the diagnosis in the first place, I'd be surprised to see the subject of where it comes from or how it's caused to even be a consideration in the professionals' minds at this time. I personally think the search for a genetic link will be a long time coming.
I think the same is true for the possibilities that it might be a learned behavior. I doubt that the experts have even gotten that far in the field to think of such a possibility. I think the focus really is finding the best way to diagnosis and treat multiplicity. With multiples being as diverse as they are in their functioning, it may be decades before they even have a good grasp of that.
With that being said, I certainly have my own thoughts about the subject of why there might be so many multiples in my family of origin. First and foremost would be the fact that those things I have always remembered as being a part of the treatment we received at the hands of my mother were the very things that the child in "Sybil" had repressed and were said to be the cause of her multiplicity.
The type of abuse it takes to cause a child to dissociate dramatically enough to cause multiple personality disorder was rampant in my family of origin. That fact alone would be enough to cause me and all of my siblings to have utilized the coping mechanism.
For example my youngest brother has no memory of being tied to a chair with a rag stuffed down his throat to prevent him from crying. He was only two years old at the time. While he has no memory of the event, the rest of us all remember it vividly. This includes my sister who was younger than him.
And a couple of my siblings remember seeing my mother do the same thing to my children. However, none of us remember it ever happening to us. Nor have any of the others ever considered it ever happened to them.
Taking that into account and then the fact that we all have such varied stories about what happened when and where, MPD certainly makes it easier to understand how we could all be so adamant about our individual versions of our lives. While it's easier to believe that some or all of us are probably lying, it is entirely possible that each is telling the truth as that person knows it. If that is the case, then all of us are multiples.
To be continued............
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
My Family of Origin Part 3
Part 1
One of my brothers has been estranged from the family since he was 18. His behavior has always been strange and I believe there are strong reasons to believe that he too is a multiple. I tried to contact him once but it was clear that he only knows a small piece of his past and in that I am one of his demons. I think it's sad but it can't be fixed unless he wants it and he doesn't.
The youngest brother, who is the one who still loves me, has been diagnosed as a multiple. But as soon as he was diagnosed he ran from therapy and has done nothing about healing ever since. Because he is a multiple, his memory is skewed. He has done drugs but swears he hasn't, that kind of stuff. It makes it tough to be close to him when he can't take responsibility for himself. But I love him and check in on him regularly to be sure that he's ok. We will never be close.
I know all the secrets that he is afraid to know. He knows about the secrets. He even believes that they are true but he doesn't want to know how it affects him. As long as he continues on that way, there is too much risk being around me so we just acknowledge each other on important dates and hope the other is well.
I wish that I could fix this for all of them. I wish my siblings could heal and know the peace that I know. But only they can make that decision and do the work and they chose to look the other way.
They would rather live in their toxic world than deal with the pain. If only they could realize that their toxicity causes more pain than the healing ever would. Things might be different, but they don't call it the "Road less travelled" for nothing. Few have the courage to take on their past.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
One of my brothers has been estranged from the family since he was 18. His behavior has always been strange and I believe there are strong reasons to believe that he too is a multiple. I tried to contact him once but it was clear that he only knows a small piece of his past and in that I am one of his demons. I think it's sad but it can't be fixed unless he wants it and he doesn't.
The youngest brother, who is the one who still loves me, has been diagnosed as a multiple. But as soon as he was diagnosed he ran from therapy and has done nothing about healing ever since. Because he is a multiple, his memory is skewed. He has done drugs but swears he hasn't, that kind of stuff. It makes it tough to be close to him when he can't take responsibility for himself. But I love him and check in on him regularly to be sure that he's ok. We will never be close.
I know all the secrets that he is afraid to know. He knows about the secrets. He even believes that they are true but he doesn't want to know how it affects him. As long as he continues on that way, there is too much risk being around me so we just acknowledge each other on important dates and hope the other is well.
I wish that I could fix this for all of them. I wish my siblings could heal and know the peace that I know. But only they can make that decision and do the work and they chose to look the other way.
They would rather live in their toxic world than deal with the pain. If only they could realize that their toxicity causes more pain than the healing ever would. Things might be different, but they don't call it the "Road less travelled" for nothing. Few have the courage to take on their past.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
My Family of Origin Part 2
Part 1
Most of my adult life my relationship with all of those people stayed about the same. We got together on holidays like Christmas, Easter, Memorial Day, 4th of July and Labor Day. The last three were always big weekends on the water with a lot of drinking and the ugliness that happens when you put a bunch of drunks together.
When I began therapy for the sexual abuse by my brother, everything within the family began to change. All of a sudden I became the bad guy and everyone rallied around the offenders (my brother and my mother) . I was kicked out of the family. The only exception was the one brother who has always felt close to me. He knew what they were saying about me was lies.
So it's been twenty years since I was kicked out of the family and I have no regrets. I saw three of my siblings when I went to my mother's funeral recently and it quickly reminded me why I stay away from them. They are toxic!
Everything they come in contact with reflects their hate. They are angry, manipulative and down right hateful. They are not a family anyone loving and caring would want to have. Just being near them makes me tense and my stomach do flips because I know it's only a matter of time before the ugliness spews forth.
I don't worry anymore about what they might say about me. I know that keeping up appearances is far more important than caring about how someone feels. Each of them is so self absorbed they have no idea that the other is in pain.
To be continued...........
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Most of my adult life my relationship with all of those people stayed about the same. We got together on holidays like Christmas, Easter, Memorial Day, 4th of July and Labor Day. The last three were always big weekends on the water with a lot of drinking and the ugliness that happens when you put a bunch of drunks together.
When I began therapy for the sexual abuse by my brother, everything within the family began to change. All of a sudden I became the bad guy and everyone rallied around the offenders (my brother and my mother) . I was kicked out of the family. The only exception was the one brother who has always felt close to me. He knew what they were saying about me was lies.
So it's been twenty years since I was kicked out of the family and I have no regrets. I saw three of my siblings when I went to my mother's funeral recently and it quickly reminded me why I stay away from them. They are toxic!
Everything they come in contact with reflects their hate. They are angry, manipulative and down right hateful. They are not a family anyone loving and caring would want to have. Just being near them makes me tense and my stomach do flips because I know it's only a matter of time before the ugliness spews forth.
I don't worry anymore about what they might say about me. I know that keeping up appearances is far more important than caring about how someone feels. Each of them is so self absorbed they have no idea that the other is in pain.
To be continued...........
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Monday, September 3, 2007
My Family of Origin
Reading on the blogs of other multiples I see that there are lots of references to the family of origin and the realtionships that have or haven't survived. So I thought it might be good to post about my situation with my family of origin.
I come from a family of six children, two girls and four boys. The oldest boy was my half brother but we never referred to him as if he were any different than the rest of us even though his last name was different..
Growing up, the parts that I have always remembered, we all fought a lot. Someone was always unhappy about something. I remember very little time we ever really got along. Slapping, hitting, pinching, name calling those were regular occurences at my house. Even though we were told we weren't supposed to do those things, we did.
There was five years difference in age between my older brother and me. Then there was seven years difference in age between the youngest, my sister, and me. That made me the older sister to almost everyone.
My father got sick with cancer when I was six and my mother went to work sometime after that. Once she went to work, I felt like I was the mother at home. I finished up laundry she laid out for me to do, cooked dinner, cleaned house, helped the younger kids with their homework and tried to make them be good so my mother didn't get mad and whatever else might be on the list she wrote out for us each day.
My father died when I was twelve.My older brother began molesting me that same year. My mother remarried when I was thriteen. I was sent off to boarding school when I was fourteen. I left home when I was nineteen and was married by twenty with a child just before I turned twenty-one.
During all of this time, we had a place on a lake where we spent a lot of time in the summer. Even after we were all grown, summertime meant time at the lake, but we still picked on each other all of the time.
Despite all the fighting, I adored my younger siblings. I felt like they were my kids. I played with them, helped with their homework, made sure they had birthday parties even invited the neighbor kids, baked cakes the whole thing because I wanted their lives to be normal even if mine wasn't. Despite that only one of them is close to me and that relationship is strained.
To be continued............
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
I come from a family of six children, two girls and four boys. The oldest boy was my half brother but we never referred to him as if he were any different than the rest of us even though his last name was different..
Growing up, the parts that I have always remembered, we all fought a lot. Someone was always unhappy about something. I remember very little time we ever really got along. Slapping, hitting, pinching, name calling those were regular occurences at my house. Even though we were told we weren't supposed to do those things, we did.
There was five years difference in age between my older brother and me. Then there was seven years difference in age between the youngest, my sister, and me. That made me the older sister to almost everyone.
My father got sick with cancer when I was six and my mother went to work sometime after that. Once she went to work, I felt like I was the mother at home. I finished up laundry she laid out for me to do, cooked dinner, cleaned house, helped the younger kids with their homework and tried to make them be good so my mother didn't get mad and whatever else might be on the list she wrote out for us each day.
My father died when I was twelve.My older brother began molesting me that same year. My mother remarried when I was thriteen. I was sent off to boarding school when I was fourteen. I left home when I was nineteen and was married by twenty with a child just before I turned twenty-one.
During all of this time, we had a place on a lake where we spent a lot of time in the summer. Even after we were all grown, summertime meant time at the lake, but we still picked on each other all of the time.
Despite all the fighting, I adored my younger siblings. I felt like they were my kids. I played with them, helped with their homework, made sure they had birthday parties even invited the neighbor kids, baked cakes the whole thing because I wanted their lives to be normal even if mine wasn't. Despite that only one of them is close to me and that relationship is strained.
To be continued............
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
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