It has been a difficult week. Along with posting the information about the child in the self-portrait came lots and lots of flashbacks. Sometimes the flashing is so fast that I can't even make out the images, other times they are so slow but consuming that I'd like to disappear underneath the covers and not come out for weeks.
I'm used to days, weeks, even months like this. It doesn't get me down like it used to but I do find myself filled with an incredible sense of sadness that permeates everything I do. My husband asks regularly if I'm OK but I just nod my head. I don't really want to go into it, I just want to feel what I need to feel and be done with it.
I am long since past dredging up these old memories and dissecting them trying to understand what they mean and the hold they had over me. I'm no longer caught up in the Satanist's tangled web and I no longer feel the need to know. I understand as completely as I think anyone can what happened to me and how it affected my life.
I function pretty well as a multiple now. I live my life on my terms. Even this remembering is something I've allowed myself. When that flicker first happened I could have ignored it, but I chose to bring it to light because someone inside needed to be heard.
My system is very adept at taking good care of the inner children. Those old negative messages from my family of origin and the cult don't rule me. I'm pretty effective in living my life in ways that care for the whole system. On those days when what I need to do is remember, that's what I do.
I know that keeping in touch with what happened to me directly influences who I am today. I don't have to be swallowed up by the pain anymore but feeling it every now and then reminds me of my humanity and what kind of a person I want to be. I don't ever want to take for granted how far I've come and somehow lose myself in the process. Remembering those bad times helps me relish the good ones.
So while I have a heavy heart right now for that little girl who will not speak, I know that someday.........and maybe even someday soon.........she might just feel safe enough to take a peek at this world. I can't even express what a gift it would be to someday be able to relate to having ever been a child. So for now, I'm going to let her rock just as long as she needs. Offer her a teddy bear or two or three and appreciate that I can chose to deal with her instead of being forced or manipulated into doing it.
Those days of memories spinning out of control because of cult programming to self-destruct are long since over. While I still may have several hundred little alters running around inside holding secrets, those secrets don't rule my life or my system.
Those little alters are welcome to make an appearance at any time even if doing so means that there must be periods of more flashbacks and sad memories. My value as a human being is directly related to their stories. I am who I am because of their experiences and that includes each and every part of me no matter what their story.
Through this journey I have learned great compassion and tolerance and a lot of other important things both for myself and others . I have learned not to judge harshly and to let others follow their own path. I can put myself into the shoes of most any one's journey and understand the mistakes and the pitfalls of travelling life's road. I can be there for them and be supportive because it gives my past new meaning.
I am grateful for each and every little part of me that has taken on a portion of the great burden that was my childhood. Without their sacrifices, I know I wouldn't have survived.. I will welcome each part and each secret for the liberating experience that I know it will be.
So I may have be having a difficult week and be much more quiet than usual but I know that this is just another part of my process. As I rock this child and comfort her and feel pretty darn lousy, I accept her as the gift that she is so she can learn to accept herself. Despite the pain and hardships I celebrate this journey that has set me free and given me the courage to live my life for me.
Showing posts with label Dissociations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dissociations. Show all posts
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
The Child of the Self-Portrait - Triggering
I came across this Self-Portrait the other day in the very messy bottom drawer in the master bathroom. I was looking for a small container of baby powder to fix a squeaky saddle and instead I found this picture.
The drawers in that bathroom are a clutter. Used for dumping all kinds of strange things, those drawers are not a place I would want anything important to wind up. Yet there in the bottom drawer with the scoop for the cat's litter box (YUCK!) was the picture of this child.
Last time I saw this picture it was hanging on the bathroom wall. I always felt a bit odd about this child being exposed in that way but somehow it was important to me she be hidden no longer. With her bubbles and magic carpet, the bathroom seemed to be a place no one would question so that's where she ended up.
But finding her in that bottom drawer with that icky scoop immediately sent a rumble through my system. I retrieved the picture. Gave it a thorough cleaning and then posted it as I was told.
I really had no idea nor inclination to do anymore than scan the painting and put it up on the blog. It was nothing more than a thought that crossed my mind. I tried to put it off and was gently nudged from inside so I posted thinking that would be the end of it. Instead it took on a life of it's own.
Partially that life got fueled by my own thoughts about the expression on this child's face and partly by the comments. Then the memories started to trickle in and I began to remember when I first met this child and pieces of her story. I think those pieces will help you understand her expression more. Keep in mind that even these pieces may be triggering.
Before I tell you about this child, I guess I should first tell you about me. I am a historian. It is my job to know the stories behind the children. Not all the children..........there are too many of them and I wouldn't be able to keep them straight.........but I have my group who talks to me.
I came about during therapy. It was my job to tell the stories of the children who talked to me. I can feel their pain.........but it feels like it's theirs and not mine. I suppose that gives the system some distance from being totally overwhelmed and triggered out of control. These safeguards were necessary so we didn't self-destruct as we were programmed to do.
My sense of this child is that she is a toddler. She is about two years old. She has never been allowed to wear any type of clothing or cover herself in any way. Even though naked is the only way she's ever been, she feels exposed, uncomfortable and dirty. She also feels threatened to the point of near hysteria by the thought of covering up. She knows that to cover her body in any way would cause bad things to happen.
She cannot speak unless spoken to and that must be simple one word answers. No sounds of any kind are allowed to cross her lips or stir in her throat.
Her mind races trying to make sense of her world and she refrains from testing the rules. She studies everything around her trying to make sense of it but does only what she is told. She would never physically explore anything. The only exploring she can do is with her eyes and that must be undetected. Too much curiosity could kill her.
She doesn't know where she came from. She doesn't know where she belongs. She lives in a cage. She spends a lot of her time rocking, holding her knees, silently rocking back and forth for hours and hours on end trying to loose herself in the monotony of the motion, trying to avoid the pain.
She thinks maybe she belongs to the rich old lady that lives in the mansion. She knows that woman is in charge and that she mustn't make the woman mad. She also knows the expression on her face can make the woman furious. She practices turning her face into a blank slate.
Sometimes people come to watch her in the cage. They look at her. They talk about her. Sometimes they take their clothes off and they do strange things but they never, never touch her. They aren't allowed. Only the old woman can touch the child. Once in a while someone the woman directs can punish the child but mostly only the old woman has any kind of physical contact with her.
This child can make no sense of the world she lives in. Other than feeling cold, hungry and alone everything else feels crazy to her and she's not even sure why. She's just too young to understand.
As you can see, I've relayed her story in the present tense. That's how it feels to her. She's never come to the forefront...........probably never will. Just allowing her picture to be painted was enough for her. She's content to hide in the shadows. Her only need is the rocking, as long as that is fulfilled she stays just the way she is.
There are internal pictures of the life of this child. I have not painted them but if I did, it would tell all the details of her story. From those mental pictures I can tell what the plan was for this girl. My adult mind can make sense of those things that she could never figure out. That helps to keep my system free of the tricks used to keep her trapped.
Today, she is not trapped keeping hidden is a choice that she makes. The rest of the system honors that choice and nurtures her as best she will allow. There is always a great sadness that comes with her presence. I doubt that can be relieved without painting those pictures and allowing her feelings to come out. So until the day comes that she decides it is ok to do that, she will remain in the darkness and only show her face as a picture on my bathroom wall.
The drawers in that bathroom are a clutter. Used for dumping all kinds of strange things, those drawers are not a place I would want anything important to wind up. Yet there in the bottom drawer with the scoop for the cat's litter box (YUCK!) was the picture of this child.
Last time I saw this picture it was hanging on the bathroom wall. I always felt a bit odd about this child being exposed in that way but somehow it was important to me she be hidden no longer. With her bubbles and magic carpet, the bathroom seemed to be a place no one would question so that's where she ended up.
But finding her in that bottom drawer with that icky scoop immediately sent a rumble through my system. I retrieved the picture. Gave it a thorough cleaning and then posted it as I was told.
I really had no idea nor inclination to do anymore than scan the painting and put it up on the blog. It was nothing more than a thought that crossed my mind. I tried to put it off and was gently nudged from inside so I posted thinking that would be the end of it. Instead it took on a life of it's own.
Partially that life got fueled by my own thoughts about the expression on this child's face and partly by the comments. Then the memories started to trickle in and I began to remember when I first met this child and pieces of her story. I think those pieces will help you understand her expression more. Keep in mind that even these pieces may be triggering.
Before I tell you about this child, I guess I should first tell you about me. I am a historian. It is my job to know the stories behind the children. Not all the children..........there are too many of them and I wouldn't be able to keep them straight.........but I have my group who talks to me.
I came about during therapy. It was my job to tell the stories of the children who talked to me. I can feel their pain.........but it feels like it's theirs and not mine. I suppose that gives the system some distance from being totally overwhelmed and triggered out of control. These safeguards were necessary so we didn't self-destruct as we were programmed to do.
My sense of this child is that she is a toddler. She is about two years old. She has never been allowed to wear any type of clothing or cover herself in any way. Even though naked is the only way she's ever been, she feels exposed, uncomfortable and dirty. She also feels threatened to the point of near hysteria by the thought of covering up. She knows that to cover her body in any way would cause bad things to happen.
She cannot speak unless spoken to and that must be simple one word answers. No sounds of any kind are allowed to cross her lips or stir in her throat.
Her mind races trying to make sense of her world and she refrains from testing the rules. She studies everything around her trying to make sense of it but does only what she is told. She would never physically explore anything. The only exploring she can do is with her eyes and that must be undetected. Too much curiosity could kill her.
She doesn't know where she came from. She doesn't know where she belongs. She lives in a cage. She spends a lot of her time rocking, holding her knees, silently rocking back and forth for hours and hours on end trying to loose herself in the monotony of the motion, trying to avoid the pain.
She thinks maybe she belongs to the rich old lady that lives in the mansion. She knows that woman is in charge and that she mustn't make the woman mad. She also knows the expression on her face can make the woman furious. She practices turning her face into a blank slate.
Sometimes people come to watch her in the cage. They look at her. They talk about her. Sometimes they take their clothes off and they do strange things but they never, never touch her. They aren't allowed. Only the old woman can touch the child. Once in a while someone the woman directs can punish the child but mostly only the old woman has any kind of physical contact with her.
This child can make no sense of the world she lives in. Other than feeling cold, hungry and alone everything else feels crazy to her and she's not even sure why. She's just too young to understand.
As you can see, I've relayed her story in the present tense. That's how it feels to her. She's never come to the forefront...........probably never will. Just allowing her picture to be painted was enough for her. She's content to hide in the shadows. Her only need is the rocking, as long as that is fulfilled she stays just the way she is.
There are internal pictures of the life of this child. I have not painted them but if I did, it would tell all the details of her story. From those mental pictures I can tell what the plan was for this girl. My adult mind can make sense of those things that she could never figure out. That helps to keep my system free of the tricks used to keep her trapped.
Today, she is not trapped keeping hidden is a choice that she makes. The rest of the system honors that choice and nurtures her as best she will allow. There is always a great sadness that comes with her presence. I doubt that can be relieved without painting those pictures and allowing her feelings to come out. So until the day comes that she decides it is ok to do that, she will remain in the darkness and only show her face as a picture on my bathroom wall.
Friday, January 11, 2008
My Thoughts on Integration - Part 4
Part 1
There are other parts within my system that are still separate because they belong to clusters of personalities. These clusters are related to children who are still keeping their silence. As long as part of the cluster needs to maintain walls, the others are affected as well. The walls can not come down completely between the others on the inside who are not part of these cluster.
That doesn't mean that those parts have full scale walls anymore. Their walls are only intact to the extent necessary to hold the necessary things inside. Parts with secrets have access to consciousness and a voice at all times, if they want it. We no longer have safeguards to keep any part quiet or out of touch.
While integration has never been my goal, my guess is that the professionals would say I have achieved it in some parts. Do any parts of me feel threatened because of this? Absolutely not, it is a non issue for us. We get stronger and stronger each day. We have bumps in our road of life just like anyone else but we have the skills to navigate those bumps with the least amount of stress to all within our system. That is what we trust and believe in.
Do we care if you refer to us as many or one? We have no inclinations either way. At this point in our recovery we see ourselves as one human being with several hundred parts united in one body. That is what matters. The picture we have is of an evolving person who is finally whole. Even with all our walls, we know that we are one.
If that means that total integration will someday have occurred we are ALL content. We all know that we will survive in our entirety. We know from what we have lived that we will feel as least as good then as we do now. No part will suffer or be lost. We know the actuality is we will probably notice little difference. And those around us won't have a clue. The changes are subtle and reaffirming
If on the other hand we join no closer together than we are now, we are ALL content with that as well. We're doing pretty darn well in living this dream of ours. Not suffering anymore because of that crap in our past would be just fine. We are a happy healthy human being.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did integration
There are other parts within my system that are still separate because they belong to clusters of personalities. These clusters are related to children who are still keeping their silence. As long as part of the cluster needs to maintain walls, the others are affected as well. The walls can not come down completely between the others on the inside who are not part of these cluster.
That doesn't mean that those parts have full scale walls anymore. Their walls are only intact to the extent necessary to hold the necessary things inside. Parts with secrets have access to consciousness and a voice at all times, if they want it. We no longer have safeguards to keep any part quiet or out of touch.
While integration has never been my goal, my guess is that the professionals would say I have achieved it in some parts. Do any parts of me feel threatened because of this? Absolutely not, it is a non issue for us. We get stronger and stronger each day. We have bumps in our road of life just like anyone else but we have the skills to navigate those bumps with the least amount of stress to all within our system. That is what we trust and believe in.
Do we care if you refer to us as many or one? We have no inclinations either way. At this point in our recovery we see ourselves as one human being with several hundred parts united in one body. That is what matters. The picture we have is of an evolving person who is finally whole. Even with all our walls, we know that we are one.
If that means that total integration will someday have occurred we are ALL content. We all know that we will survive in our entirety. We know from what we have lived that we will feel as least as good then as we do now. No part will suffer or be lost. We know the actuality is we will probably notice little difference. And those around us won't have a clue. The changes are subtle and reaffirming
If on the other hand we join no closer together than we are now, we are ALL content with that as well. We're doing pretty darn well in living this dream of ours. Not suffering anymore because of that crap in our past would be just fine. We are a happy healthy human being.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did integration
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns - Part 2
Part 1
A child who has had her/his psyche fragmented no longer has input from her/his entire system. The input has been restricted by the process used to form the compartments. The goal is to keep those good compartments totally isolated from the bad ones. Cues are even put in place to call out the desired personalities when needed. and to cause the other parts to forget that the programming has happened or that they are sensitive to triggers so there is no overlap.
Once the compartmentalization has been done, the system is restricted in its ability to reason right and wrong. Its resources have been not only removed, but all traces of them obliterated. It is like the conscience never existed for some parts.
In addition, the parties who have caused this know that their power over this individual lies in controlling the input into these dark fragments. They make sure that the parts they want to control only experience life on the cult's terms thus guaranteeing ultimate control over the individual and all of its parts. This control is obscene and its ramifications go much further than most people could ever imagine..
The experience's the cult wants these parts to have, of course, are all horrendous. They want to assure that these isolated parts have no idea of good or its affects upon the world. They put extensive energy into manipulating the personalities turning them into bitter, bitter individuals, the darker the better. That way the personalities will do whatever they are ordered without hesitation and believe they are participating freely.
However, the person who is under this influence no longer has "free will" over their entire person. Free will is restricted by the walls within the system. Since information cannot flow freely and control cannot pass through the barriers, this individual is extremely compromised in the ability to live according to her/his values. Even the individuals instincts for self preservation have been compromised.
Adult survivor's of satanism struggle when they learn of the things their "evil" parts have done for the cult. That, too, is one of the things this programming counts on. The programming is designed to overpower the other personalities with guilt so they will hide and give way to the "evil" parts again or they will self destruct. Either way the cult wins. It is a built in safeguard to keep the person quiet and/or attached to the cult.
Only the survivor who is willing to face this guilt stands a chance of ever getting free from the influence of the cult. The difficult part is while the "good" personalities may be willing to stop the "bad' personalities, they have no knowledge of what has created those parts.
As the deeds of these "bad" alters are discovered, all the "good" parts have to go on is their overwhelming feelings of guilt that their "system" could do such things. The guilt they feel far outweighs their actual culpability for these acts. They totally lack the skills to see that the deeds have been accomplished through the manipulation and control of outsiders.
The cult doesn't really care whether the victim self-destructs, erupts in total chaos or retreats internally. Their secret remains secure because the victim is either dead, appears mentally unstable or continues to participate.
To be continued............
Part 3
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism
A child who has had her/his psyche fragmented no longer has input from her/his entire system. The input has been restricted by the process used to form the compartments. The goal is to keep those good compartments totally isolated from the bad ones. Cues are even put in place to call out the desired personalities when needed. and to cause the other parts to forget that the programming has happened or that they are sensitive to triggers so there is no overlap.
Once the compartmentalization has been done, the system is restricted in its ability to reason right and wrong. Its resources have been not only removed, but all traces of them obliterated. It is like the conscience never existed for some parts.
In addition, the parties who have caused this know that their power over this individual lies in controlling the input into these dark fragments. They make sure that the parts they want to control only experience life on the cult's terms thus guaranteeing ultimate control over the individual and all of its parts. This control is obscene and its ramifications go much further than most people could ever imagine..
The experience's the cult wants these parts to have, of course, are all horrendous. They want to assure that these isolated parts have no idea of good or its affects upon the world. They put extensive energy into manipulating the personalities turning them into bitter, bitter individuals, the darker the better. That way the personalities will do whatever they are ordered without hesitation and believe they are participating freely.
However, the person who is under this influence no longer has "free will" over their entire person. Free will is restricted by the walls within the system. Since information cannot flow freely and control cannot pass through the barriers, this individual is extremely compromised in the ability to live according to her/his values. Even the individuals instincts for self preservation have been compromised.
Adult survivor's of satanism struggle when they learn of the things their "evil" parts have done for the cult. That, too, is one of the things this programming counts on. The programming is designed to overpower the other personalities with guilt so they will hide and give way to the "evil" parts again or they will self destruct. Either way the cult wins. It is a built in safeguard to keep the person quiet and/or attached to the cult.
Only the survivor who is willing to face this guilt stands a chance of ever getting free from the influence of the cult. The difficult part is while the "good" personalities may be willing to stop the "bad' personalities, they have no knowledge of what has created those parts.
As the deeds of these "bad" alters are discovered, all the "good" parts have to go on is their overwhelming feelings of guilt that their "system" could do such things. The guilt they feel far outweighs their actual culpability for these acts. They totally lack the skills to see that the deeds have been accomplished through the manipulation and control of outsiders.
The cult doesn't really care whether the victim self-destructs, erupts in total chaos or retreats internally. Their secret remains secure because the victim is either dead, appears mentally unstable or continues to participate.
To be continued............
Part 3
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism
Monday, October 15, 2007
Walls
Everyone is capable of putting up walls. Whether a singleton or a multiple, walls are a necessary form of survival for abused children. I understand that walls can be a good for of protection.
They can also be a hindrance. If walls are used to shut out the people who care for us, they can be a big problem. Particularly with the multiple, walls between personalities or alters can make it impossible for the system to function successfully for the good of the whole. But walls with singletons can cause problems as well.
Walls can shut off feelings that are necessary tools for protecting us from life's predators. They may have been built to ward off pain but can only lead to more problems. Granted, I don't want the woman at the horse show who hates me to get to me, BUT I won't allow my discomfort because of her presence to cause me to build anymore walls.
I have learned from experience that those walls really set me up to remain a victim. They isolated me from my feelings so I didn't get those warnings that someone was not trust worthy. Ignoring the signals left me unable to protect myself in more appropriate ways.
Walls can harder a heart so that is no longer empathizes with fellow human beings. There are prisons full of people who are dealing with much bigger walls than the ones keeping them incarcerated. Their inner walls drive their dysfunction leaving them non-productive members of society. Their behavior is self-destructive yet they have no clue their unhappiness comes from within.
I read a comment on a friend's blog a while back that suggested she guard her heart. I remember the image of walls rising up in my mind. I felt sad for the person who had shared that comment because it told me that she had been deeply hurt. It told me she would rather protect herself from the possibility of pain than take a risk.
Protecting one's heart means not allowing oneself the opportunity to live and love. Considering that we as human beings need love to survive, protecting one's heart can have dire consequences.
For me it brings to mind the song, "Standing Outside the Fire" "Life is not tried is it merely survived, standing outside the fire..." I can say from experience I'm a much happier person because I've decided to quit surviving with my walls and having jumped headfirst into the fire of life.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
They can also be a hindrance. If walls are used to shut out the people who care for us, they can be a big problem. Particularly with the multiple, walls between personalities or alters can make it impossible for the system to function successfully for the good of the whole. But walls with singletons can cause problems as well.
Walls can shut off feelings that are necessary tools for protecting us from life's predators. They may have been built to ward off pain but can only lead to more problems. Granted, I don't want the woman at the horse show who hates me to get to me, BUT I won't allow my discomfort because of her presence to cause me to build anymore walls.
I have learned from experience that those walls really set me up to remain a victim. They isolated me from my feelings so I didn't get those warnings that someone was not trust worthy. Ignoring the signals left me unable to protect myself in more appropriate ways.
Walls can harder a heart so that is no longer empathizes with fellow human beings. There are prisons full of people who are dealing with much bigger walls than the ones keeping them incarcerated. Their inner walls drive their dysfunction leaving them non-productive members of society. Their behavior is self-destructive yet they have no clue their unhappiness comes from within.
I read a comment on a friend's blog a while back that suggested she guard her heart. I remember the image of walls rising up in my mind. I felt sad for the person who had shared that comment because it told me that she had been deeply hurt. It told me she would rather protect herself from the possibility of pain than take a risk.
Protecting one's heart means not allowing oneself the opportunity to live and love. Considering that we as human beings need love to survive, protecting one's heart can have dire consequences.
For me it brings to mind the song, "Standing Outside the Fire" "Life is not tried is it merely survived, standing outside the fire..." I can say from experience I'm a much happier person because I've decided to quit surviving with my walls and having jumped headfirst into the fire of life.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Is Multiple Personality Disorder or DID Genetic? Part 2
Part 1
As for younger siblings copying the coping mechanism, I have mixed feelings about that. I think they would have to see the coping mechanism to copy it. I think the only way my siblings could have copied my dissociative system would be if they could somehow get inside my head. Certainly the professionals I have come in contact with have never been able to figure it out, so I doubt there is much chance that my younger siblings could.
Also, I don't believe that anyone could tell that I was a multiple for most of my life. So how would my siblings see something to copy? Only once I began peeling the onion of my psyche did the exterior clues begin to manifest.
Appearances were everything in my family of origin. If you could appear normal, you could blend in better. Blending in was of utmost importance. Doing anything that might make the family look bad would have been yet another reason for torture. So it was imperative to be high functioning and look "normal."
To survive in my family of origin, I needed to forget but I needed to know too. My system had a safety check to ensure that I was never a victim because I didn't know something when I should or forget something when I should. Complicated yes but equally it was effective.
But I do believe that we humans have a built in protection system. When life gets too overwhelming or boring for that matter, anyone can zone out to take a break. It happens instinctively. Everyone can relate to zoning out while driving down the same old boring road.
As a multiple I know it's just a little bit farther trip down that zone out to the place that someone new takes over. I am very aware of times in my life where I passed into that zone, thought about my options, and made a choice what to do to survive or escape pain. Did I know at the time I had MPD or even that I was trying to escape my life? No, but I do remember the occurrences.
I think that multiples have such varied ways of presenting because their individual experiences are so varied. The complexity of the system created to deal with abuse must be directly related to the complexity of the abuse and the levels of cruelty of the offenders involved.
As for this part of kat_womanx2 question "certain types of abuse causing a specific problem" I have to say that I don't believe that the coping mechanism in and of itself is the problem. Without it, children would not survive horrific abuse.
I believe the problem comes when the system created doesn't adapt to living a normal life. Some people with MPD never seek out professional help and are high functioning, well respected members of society. Unless an emotional upheaval dramatic enough to upset their system comes along in their life, they will go on functioning just fine.
Because the diagnosis is found in the book, does that make someone mentally ill? Or are they mentally ill because the coping mechanism has not adapted to a life away from abuse causing the person hardship in their lives?
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
As for younger siblings copying the coping mechanism, I have mixed feelings about that. I think they would have to see the coping mechanism to copy it. I think the only way my siblings could have copied my dissociative system would be if they could somehow get inside my head. Certainly the professionals I have come in contact with have never been able to figure it out, so I doubt there is much chance that my younger siblings could.
Also, I don't believe that anyone could tell that I was a multiple for most of my life. So how would my siblings see something to copy? Only once I began peeling the onion of my psyche did the exterior clues begin to manifest.
Appearances were everything in my family of origin. If you could appear normal, you could blend in better. Blending in was of utmost importance. Doing anything that might make the family look bad would have been yet another reason for torture. So it was imperative to be high functioning and look "normal."
To survive in my family of origin, I needed to forget but I needed to know too. My system had a safety check to ensure that I was never a victim because I didn't know something when I should or forget something when I should. Complicated yes but equally it was effective.
But I do believe that we humans have a built in protection system. When life gets too overwhelming or boring for that matter, anyone can zone out to take a break. It happens instinctively. Everyone can relate to zoning out while driving down the same old boring road.
As a multiple I know it's just a little bit farther trip down that zone out to the place that someone new takes over. I am very aware of times in my life where I passed into that zone, thought about my options, and made a choice what to do to survive or escape pain. Did I know at the time I had MPD or even that I was trying to escape my life? No, but I do remember the occurrences.
I think that multiples have such varied ways of presenting because their individual experiences are so varied. The complexity of the system created to deal with abuse must be directly related to the complexity of the abuse and the levels of cruelty of the offenders involved.
As for this part of kat_womanx2 question "certain types of abuse causing a specific problem" I have to say that I don't believe that the coping mechanism in and of itself is the problem. Without it, children would not survive horrific abuse.
I believe the problem comes when the system created doesn't adapt to living a normal life. Some people with MPD never seek out professional help and are high functioning, well respected members of society. Unless an emotional upheaval dramatic enough to upset their system comes along in their life, they will go on functioning just fine.
Because the diagnosis is found in the book, does that make someone mentally ill? Or are they mentally ill because the coping mechanism has not adapted to a life away from abuse causing the person hardship in their lives?
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Is Multiple Personality Disorder or DID Genetic?
kat_womanx2 from the
Straight from the Cat Box blog asked the question about MPD possibly being a genetic disorder. I assume from her question that she wondered this because of my belief that others of my siblings also have the MPD.
I'm not qualified to answer whether MPD is genetic or not. From what I can tell there haven't been any studies done to tell one way or another. For that matter, there is still so much skepticism in the professional community about the validity of the diagnosis in the first place, I'd be surprised to see the subject of where it comes from or how it's caused to even be a consideration in the professionals' minds at this time. I personally think the search for a genetic link will be a long time coming.
I think the same is true for the possibilities that it might be a learned behavior. I doubt that the experts have even gotten that far in the field to think of such a possibility. I think the focus really is finding the best way to diagnosis and treat multiplicity. With multiples being as diverse as they are in their functioning, it may be decades before they even have a good grasp of that.
With that being said, I certainly have my own thoughts about the subject of why there might be so many multiples in my family of origin. First and foremost would be the fact that those things I have always remembered as being a part of the treatment we received at the hands of my mother were the very things that the child in "Sybil" had repressed and were said to be the cause of her multiplicity.
The type of abuse it takes to cause a child to dissociate dramatically enough to cause multiple personality disorder was rampant in my family of origin. That fact alone would be enough to cause me and all of my siblings to have utilized the coping mechanism.
For example my youngest brother has no memory of being tied to a chair with a rag stuffed down his throat to prevent him from crying. He was only two years old at the time. While he has no memory of the event, the rest of us all remember it vividly. This includes my sister who was younger than him.
And a couple of my siblings remember seeing my mother do the same thing to my children. However, none of us remember it ever happening to us. Nor have any of the others ever considered it ever happened to them.
Taking that into account and then the fact that we all have such varied stories about what happened when and where, MPD certainly makes it easier to understand how we could all be so adamant about our individual versions of our lives. While it's easier to believe that some or all of us are probably lying, it is entirely possible that each is telling the truth as that person knows it. If that is the case, then all of us are multiples.
To be continued............
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Straight from the Cat Box blog asked the question about MPD possibly being a genetic disorder. I assume from her question that she wondered this because of my belief that others of my siblings also have the MPD.
I'm not qualified to answer whether MPD is genetic or not. From what I can tell there haven't been any studies done to tell one way or another. For that matter, there is still so much skepticism in the professional community about the validity of the diagnosis in the first place, I'd be surprised to see the subject of where it comes from or how it's caused to even be a consideration in the professionals' minds at this time. I personally think the search for a genetic link will be a long time coming.
I think the same is true for the possibilities that it might be a learned behavior. I doubt that the experts have even gotten that far in the field to think of such a possibility. I think the focus really is finding the best way to diagnosis and treat multiplicity. With multiples being as diverse as they are in their functioning, it may be decades before they even have a good grasp of that.
With that being said, I certainly have my own thoughts about the subject of why there might be so many multiples in my family of origin. First and foremost would be the fact that those things I have always remembered as being a part of the treatment we received at the hands of my mother were the very things that the child in "Sybil" had repressed and were said to be the cause of her multiplicity.
The type of abuse it takes to cause a child to dissociate dramatically enough to cause multiple personality disorder was rampant in my family of origin. That fact alone would be enough to cause me and all of my siblings to have utilized the coping mechanism.
For example my youngest brother has no memory of being tied to a chair with a rag stuffed down his throat to prevent him from crying. He was only two years old at the time. While he has no memory of the event, the rest of us all remember it vividly. This includes my sister who was younger than him.
And a couple of my siblings remember seeing my mother do the same thing to my children. However, none of us remember it ever happening to us. Nor have any of the others ever considered it ever happened to them.
Taking that into account and then the fact that we all have such varied stories about what happened when and where, MPD certainly makes it easier to understand how we could all be so adamant about our individual versions of our lives. While it's easier to believe that some or all of us are probably lying, it is entirely possible that each is telling the truth as that person knows it. If that is the case, then all of us are multiples.
To be continued............
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Friday, August 24, 2007
More Recent History & My Most Recent Creation
I've been reading a couple of books on multiples that were given to me by a friend. I don't know if she bought them to learn more about me or because she thought she might be like me but none the less, she thought I might enjoy reading them.
I'm not sure that "enjoy" would be the right word but sometimes I do find them entertaining. For some reason, it amuses me when the books are so far off base from what I am like as a multiple. I guess not being predictable is important to me these days.
One of the things the usually jumps out at me about the books is whenever they refer to voices. I guess I've had voices in my head for so long, they really don't seem like anything more than thoughts to me. Let me say, important thoughts, because I sure don't want to make anyone angry or upset, but thought none the less.
I don't know how other multiples are in this regard but for me, I don't "see" and alter there along with the thought. For me, if I want to know where exactly something is coming from, it's kind of a lost cause.
To survive in my childhood environment, there could be no obvious differences between personalities. Nothing to tell anyone on the outside that there was any form of protection going on. I was who I was supposed to be on the outside even though on the inside I was separate and different.
I didn't carry knowledge over from the ritual abuse to home because that would have been deadly. But should someone confront me at home with something I should remember from the abuse, I had a historian who could retrieve the information and relay it but still protect the child at home from hearing it.
Even today, I'm never really sure who's affecting what I'm doing. Sometimes, I know someone is pulling me one way or another. Other times, I can put two and two together and figure out someone is exerting themselves.
The only personality that is really obvious to me is the one that hates my husband. That's right, I have a personality that really hates my husband. And she's not an old personality from my childhood. She was actually formed to deal with him.
For a time there in the beginning of our relationship even though we were in therapy together he was faking getting help. When that deceit was discovered the new personality was formed. Unfortunately she was formed before I had made any major gains in my therapy so she's an over reaction his deceit.
She has made our lives interesting. Teaching her balance in regards to Dave has not been easy because while he has finally done some growing he's not lived up to a lot of promises. He tends to take a step forward and then rests on his laurels for a while. She really doesn't like that much. She's a liberated woman with a manipulative man and she gives him what for. Sometimes I'm surprised that we are still together. But he has been so kind to the children, I think that saves him and the marriage but it doesn't save him from her wrath!
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
I'm not sure that "enjoy" would be the right word but sometimes I do find them entertaining. For some reason, it amuses me when the books are so far off base from what I am like as a multiple. I guess not being predictable is important to me these days.
One of the things the usually jumps out at me about the books is whenever they refer to voices. I guess I've had voices in my head for so long, they really don't seem like anything more than thoughts to me. Let me say, important thoughts, because I sure don't want to make anyone angry or upset, but thought none the less.
I don't know how other multiples are in this regard but for me, I don't "see" and alter there along with the thought. For me, if I want to know where exactly something is coming from, it's kind of a lost cause.
To survive in my childhood environment, there could be no obvious differences between personalities. Nothing to tell anyone on the outside that there was any form of protection going on. I was who I was supposed to be on the outside even though on the inside I was separate and different.
I didn't carry knowledge over from the ritual abuse to home because that would have been deadly. But should someone confront me at home with something I should remember from the abuse, I had a historian who could retrieve the information and relay it but still protect the child at home from hearing it.
Even today, I'm never really sure who's affecting what I'm doing. Sometimes, I know someone is pulling me one way or another. Other times, I can put two and two together and figure out someone is exerting themselves.
The only personality that is really obvious to me is the one that hates my husband. That's right, I have a personality that really hates my husband. And she's not an old personality from my childhood. She was actually formed to deal with him.
For a time there in the beginning of our relationship even though we were in therapy together he was faking getting help. When that deceit was discovered the new personality was formed. Unfortunately she was formed before I had made any major gains in my therapy so she's an over reaction his deceit.
She has made our lives interesting. Teaching her balance in regards to Dave has not been easy because while he has finally done some growing he's not lived up to a lot of promises. He tends to take a step forward and then rests on his laurels for a while. She really doesn't like that much. She's a liberated woman with a manipulative man and she gives him what for. Sometimes I'm surprised that we are still together. But he has been so kind to the children, I think that saves him and the marriage but it doesn't save him from her wrath!
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
OK I'm Out of the Closet with Multiple Personality Disorder Thing, Now What?
I'm not going to go into the details of my therapy here. Some day I hope to write a book about it. I even have my outline done and the first chapter completed. All I need is an editor so I'm not going to publish my here. But I am going to write about my therapy in general terms and it's affects on me. Also, I'm going to write about what I'm like as a person with multiple personality disorder.
Thanks to The Three Faces of Eve and Sybil
many people think they have an idea of what it's like to be a multiple. But experts now believe both of those cases are extremes in the continuum that is multiple personality disorder and that there may be as many ways to manifest multiple personality disorder as there are individuals with it.
All I can tell you for sure is what I know about me AND the multiples I have met along my journey (and I have met a few). The most important thing about it for me is that I have never felt like I have an "illness." I have never felt that being a multiple makes me damaged in anyway. To me it's always been the reason that I am alive today. It's been a tool. A tool that still serves me well.
Now that doesn't mean that I use my MPD to take shortcuts through life or not to be responsible for my behavior. I learned in my initial therapy for sexual abuse about letting go of the old birth family rules. The Serenity Prayer and the Twelve Steps of any twelve step program have been great tools that "we" have been able to incorporate into all aspects of our lives.
Victim behavior was the standard in my birth family. I had no idea how trapped it made me. Shedding those values was so freeing there are not even words to express. Being able to identify and share what I wanted and needed instead of depending on someone to figure it out has been liberating not to mention all of the energy that old behavior swallowed up in such a non productive way.
Also, just for the record, I do not lose time or have a life full of the chaos that comes from not knowing what one's alter personalities are up to. Actually, most of my adult life was not like that at all. I have always been a high functioning individual. Even during the therapy to address the reasons that I became a multiple, I was always aware of what was happening to me. Much of my memory loss was from the age of 7 and before. There were a few isolated incidents as a young adult.
I was relieved when I was finally diagnosed as a multiple. It was just one more piece to the puzzle about who I was and why I was. Some multiples think it means that they're crazy. To me, I finally knew for sure that I was not crazy. I was not some mistake by mother nature that should never have been born. It meant there were valid reasons for me being like I was.
Now, I have to admit there have been some embarrassing moments because I have multiple personality disorder. To this day I'm not all that comfortable with the fact that after particullarly trying therapy sessions Dave would take the "injured' child shopping to Toys R Us and buy them a toy, usually a doll.
I remember clearly sitting on the floor in the Cabbage Patch Dolls' aisle with an assortment of dolls spread out on the floor around me as the child picked out the one she wanted. I also remember sometimes other children emerged and got to pick one for themselves as well. All the while, shoppers would pass by and look down the ailse strangely at that woman in her late 30s sitting on the floor playing with the dolls. I don't even want to guess at what they thought.
Every child that told his or her story got their chance to pick their own toy. Most of the selections were dolls, some boy dolls as well as girl dolls, but there were horses and cars, coloring books and bubble soap. There's quite a list and actually, all those toys still take up most of my bedroom even today.
Sometimes I think I'd like to have a 'normal' bedroom like a normal adult but to put away those toys would be to deny a part of myself and I won't do that. As a multiple who has chosen not to integrate because we are all tired of the pain, we chose to live in harmony. There wouldn't be much harmony if I denied those many wounded children who are part of me so the toys and the clutter that goes with them stays.
The reason I see Multiple Personalities as a tool is because they saved me when nothing else could. When life was so complicated and dangerous that remembering what happened to me could get me killed, I didn't remember because someone else did. When life warranted I know what happened, there was someone to do that. When life wanted me to know but wouldn't allow me to be judgemental (have an opinion or emotions about what happened) there was someone to do that. My psyche created whatever it needed to keep me safe in whatever situation that might present itself.
And when it was time to do therapy, my psyche created a personailty whose job it was to mediate the therapy. I had my very own built in therapist who controlled when memories surfaced, who spoke to and was respected by all of the inner children and who knew when memories surfaced who was responsible for what, when, where and why and explainedd that to the children. That personality kept the system in balance so the depravity being dealt with didn't swallow us up or set off the self-destruct personality that had been implanted so many years ago.
Pretty neat if you think about it the only problem was it was dependant on the discovery process going as planned. Just like most of life, you can't always control the things you want to.
Unfortunately my therapy was no exception.At one point things didn't go as planned, an event triggered by no other than my therapist set the whole system off balance and my safety became at grave risk. Even then, my therapy personality was able to figure out what I needed to ensure my safety and a catastrophic event was avoided. Like I said, it works for me.
So therapy for me at the point it was discovered I was a person with multiple personality disorder entailed a couple of individual therapy sessions a week, a group therapy session with the sexual abuse group and by then an intimacy group therapy session for Adult Children of Alchoholics. Both groups were 3 hours long and the therapy sessions were an hour each.
At one point in my therapy I did as many as 17 hours a week of therapy. A few of those hours were at self help meetings. But since I needed to be in a safe place with supportive people, the experts involved all felt those were therapy hours as well. All I know is they kept me sane and in control of my deprogramming.
There's lots of talk about how long a person with multiple personality disorder must stay in therapy once they are diagnosed. But I guess I'm the exception to that rule. I took the information I learned before I was diagnosed and used it through my therapist personality to my advantage. From the time I was diagnosed to when I stopped therapy was maybe 3 or 4 years. I'm not exactly sure but I do know by the time I was 40 I was done.
I haven't been back since. I have all of the tools I need to live a happy productive life and I'm no longer plagued by the deep depression that I carried around most of my life. The deep dark hole that was trying to swallow me up and suck the life right out of me is none existant. A bad day doesn't throw me into a dark depression. Running into a member or memory from my birth family doesn't set me on my ear.
I have my days when I have to remind myself to quit looking so far down the road that I'm overwhelming myself. There are the days I have to pick myself up by the boot straps and make myself do something that someone inside is afraid to do. Maybe there are a half dozen like minded things I have to remind myself to work through. But from what I can tell, that doesn't make me any different than anyone else out there who is trying to live their life.
And that's an important point! I AM living my life. I am no longer just going through the motions trying to get through from day to day or trying to live up to someone else's expectations. I am chasing my dreams with a vengenace, even though sometimes it gets pretty scary (and my mother-in law totally disapproves, not to mention what my birth family would have thought!) I am no longer the programmed robot that lived every day trying to keep within the guidelines of the sick family structure I was born into.
Thanks to The Three Faces of Eve and Sybil
many people think they have an idea of what it's like to be a multiple. But experts now believe both of those cases are extremes in the continuum that is multiple personality disorder and that there may be as many ways to manifest multiple personality disorder as there are individuals with it.
All I can tell you for sure is what I know about me AND the multiples I have met along my journey (and I have met a few). The most important thing about it for me is that I have never felt like I have an "illness." I have never felt that being a multiple makes me damaged in anyway. To me it's always been the reason that I am alive today. It's been a tool. A tool that still serves me well.
Now that doesn't mean that I use my MPD to take shortcuts through life or not to be responsible for my behavior. I learned in my initial therapy for sexual abuse about letting go of the old birth family rules. The Serenity Prayer and the Twelve Steps of any twelve step program have been great tools that "we" have been able to incorporate into all aspects of our lives.
Victim behavior was the standard in my birth family. I had no idea how trapped it made me. Shedding those values was so freeing there are not even words to express. Being able to identify and share what I wanted and needed instead of depending on someone to figure it out has been liberating not to mention all of the energy that old behavior swallowed up in such a non productive way.
Also, just for the record, I do not lose time or have a life full of the chaos that comes from not knowing what one's alter personalities are up to. Actually, most of my adult life was not like that at all. I have always been a high functioning individual. Even during the therapy to address the reasons that I became a multiple, I was always aware of what was happening to me. Much of my memory loss was from the age of 7 and before. There were a few isolated incidents as a young adult.
I was relieved when I was finally diagnosed as a multiple. It was just one more piece to the puzzle about who I was and why I was. Some multiples think it means that they're crazy. To me, I finally knew for sure that I was not crazy. I was not some mistake by mother nature that should never have been born. It meant there were valid reasons for me being like I was.
Now, I have to admit there have been some embarrassing moments because I have multiple personality disorder. To this day I'm not all that comfortable with the fact that after particullarly trying therapy sessions Dave would take the "injured' child shopping to Toys R Us and buy them a toy, usually a doll.
I remember clearly sitting on the floor in the Cabbage Patch Dolls' aisle with an assortment of dolls spread out on the floor around me as the child picked out the one she wanted. I also remember sometimes other children emerged and got to pick one for themselves as well. All the while, shoppers would pass by and look down the ailse strangely at that woman in her late 30s sitting on the floor playing with the dolls. I don't even want to guess at what they thought.
Every child that told his or her story got their chance to pick their own toy. Most of the selections were dolls, some boy dolls as well as girl dolls, but there were horses and cars, coloring books and bubble soap. There's quite a list and actually, all those toys still take up most of my bedroom even today.
Sometimes I think I'd like to have a 'normal' bedroom like a normal adult but to put away those toys would be to deny a part of myself and I won't do that. As a multiple who has chosen not to integrate because we are all tired of the pain, we chose to live in harmony. There wouldn't be much harmony if I denied those many wounded children who are part of me so the toys and the clutter that goes with them stays.
The reason I see Multiple Personalities as a tool is because they saved me when nothing else could. When life was so complicated and dangerous that remembering what happened to me could get me killed, I didn't remember because someone else did. When life warranted I know what happened, there was someone to do that. When life wanted me to know but wouldn't allow me to be judgemental (have an opinion or emotions about what happened) there was someone to do that. My psyche created whatever it needed to keep me safe in whatever situation that might present itself.
And when it was time to do therapy, my psyche created a personailty whose job it was to mediate the therapy. I had my very own built in therapist who controlled when memories surfaced, who spoke to and was respected by all of the inner children and who knew when memories surfaced who was responsible for what, when, where and why and explainedd that to the children. That personality kept the system in balance so the depravity being dealt with didn't swallow us up or set off the self-destruct personality that had been implanted so many years ago.
Pretty neat if you think about it the only problem was it was dependant on the discovery process going as planned. Just like most of life, you can't always control the things you want to.
Unfortunately my therapy was no exception.At one point things didn't go as planned, an event triggered by no other than my therapist set the whole system off balance and my safety became at grave risk. Even then, my therapy personality was able to figure out what I needed to ensure my safety and a catastrophic event was avoided. Like I said, it works for me.
So therapy for me at the point it was discovered I was a person with multiple personality disorder entailed a couple of individual therapy sessions a week, a group therapy session with the sexual abuse group and by then an intimacy group therapy session for Adult Children of Alchoholics. Both groups were 3 hours long and the therapy sessions were an hour each.
At one point in my therapy I did as many as 17 hours a week of therapy. A few of those hours were at self help meetings. But since I needed to be in a safe place with supportive people, the experts involved all felt those were therapy hours as well. All I know is they kept me sane and in control of my deprogramming.
There's lots of talk about how long a person with multiple personality disorder must stay in therapy once they are diagnosed. But I guess I'm the exception to that rule. I took the information I learned before I was diagnosed and used it through my therapist personality to my advantage. From the time I was diagnosed to when I stopped therapy was maybe 3 or 4 years. I'm not exactly sure but I do know by the time I was 40 I was done.
I haven't been back since. I have all of the tools I need to live a happy productive life and I'm no longer plagued by the deep depression that I carried around most of my life. The deep dark hole that was trying to swallow me up and suck the life right out of me is none existant. A bad day doesn't throw me into a dark depression. Running into a member or memory from my birth family doesn't set me on my ear.
I have my days when I have to remind myself to quit looking so far down the road that I'm overwhelming myself. There are the days I have to pick myself up by the boot straps and make myself do something that someone inside is afraid to do. Maybe there are a half dozen like minded things I have to remind myself to work through. But from what I can tell, that doesn't make me any different than anyone else out there who is trying to live their life.
And that's an important point! I AM living my life. I am no longer just going through the motions trying to get through from day to day or trying to live up to someone else's expectations. I am chasing my dreams with a vengenace, even though sometimes it gets pretty scary (and my mother-in law totally disapproves, not to mention what my birth family would have thought!) I am no longer the programmed robot that lived every day trying to keep within the guidelines of the sick family structure I was born into.
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