Damaged Goods

Journal Entry Nov 6, 1985

"Damaged goods" is the term used in the book to explain how a victims sees herself. In me that brings to mind "defective child!" That's how I've nearly always felt. Somehow not quite right and never knowing what was lacking. Always sure that I was responsible for the defect in me. Defective to a fault...damaged to a fault.........always to a fault......always to MY fault!! So reigns the defective, damaged logic in my child's brain.

Why am I damaged? Who made my defective? Who made me unlovable to me? Was I really defective.....or were they? Was I really damaged? Am I really damaged? You bet your g*d d*mn life I'm damaged!!! Damaged as in crushed, broken, soiled, torn............damaged as in wounded, bleeding, bruised, battered, dying. A damaged child am I, furtively trying to convince the world that I have been untouched! Untouched as in all right, okay, healthy and whole. In reality, that child was untouched as in untouched by a giving and caring love, untouched as in never remembering a loving experience as a child. Untouched as in unloved would damage any child. I am indeed a damaged child!!

Can I exchange the word "wounded" for "damaged?" That might allow me to give that child something to heal the wound. After all, a wounded child might be worthy of some care! What about a damaged child? Would she deserve some care? I can not dare to answer. I can only hope for a way to change that child from "damaged" to "wounded." Right now I have none. The most I can give is damaged not defective, even that is difficult to say.

I've not defined defective. Defective as in lacking, unable to please, unacceptable. Yes, I felt defective. Sometimes I still feel defective. However, I'm learning to accept that I was damaged. "Wounded" I fear is a ways out of my grasp. I have not relinquished enough of "their" responsibility to feel wounded. I know it in my head so I know sometime, some how my heart will feel it but for now damaged certainly feels better than defective ever did!!!

Must I get angrier to allow myself to consider the child as wounded? My anger surprise me. Anger is not strong enough -- I feel a rage growing in me. It is frightening and it's directed at my mother. I've tried for so many years to make her life better. I've protected her from all my disappointment and as much as I could from my failings. I've tried to protect her from her disappointments too! She never acknowledged I was there! When my dad died, I was strong for her. I did not cry in front of anyone. I walked tall and deliberate at his funeral. I fought back the tears as the priest spoke about my dad. I got not acknowledgement. I tried to make it easier for her after he was gone. I worked hard at being perfect, I never quite made it. I worked hard at never talking back even when things seemed unjust. I tolerated Mrs W and the groping disgusting T (blind old pervert) in silence. She (my mother) never knew of his existence. Besides Mrs W would have lied and mom would have believed her instead of me. Why didn't you tell me about D (older brother) ? Why didn't you protect me from him? You knew what he was! How could you have let him have me? The how could you send me to hell?

*************

One of the things I've noticed going back over these old journal entries is there are lots of clues of what is to come. At the time of this entry I was still processing the molestation by my older brother. I had no idea what was to come, yet there are clues in these entries that no one ever saw.

Differences.......

I've always had problems with people. I still have problems with some of them. But my life before my therapy was when things were the worst. I was so dissociated from my feelings I wore a mask to get through life.

At that time I was proud of the fact that people couldn't tell what I was thinking or feeling. It was like a badge of honor. I thought it was a good thing. I didn't realize it was part of my problem. That mask kept me isolated, I'm pretty sure.

As I worked through the issues of my molestation by my older brother, the feelings about that loneliness and isolation began to emerge. Along with them came some anger over people being so quick to judge and not seeing me for who I really am.

Journal Entry Oct 23, 1985

Being different, probably the most difficult thing to face of all. Always feelings different when all I wanted was to be the same. Why do we grow up preoccupied with sameness (better known as normal as some 12 step meetings)? Everyone always treated me as if I were different. How was I different" I had the same hopes and drams. Why the labels?

I'm tired of people "reading me like a book" from the way I look, my posture. I'm tired of people reading into my silence they're thoughts about what I am feeling. I'm tired of being judged because on the outside I don't react like everyone else. I'm tired of feeling like I need to make excuses because of these differences. So what if I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. That doesn't mean I don't have one. I bleed like everyone else..........maybe I bleed more!

I've never had anyone decide by looking at me, "Gee, I'd like to be her friend!" But I've had a number of people (after I made the attempt to be friends) tell me "I thought you were such a snob" or "so rigid." Once a good friend of mine was told "Why do you bother with her? She's such a pathetic creature!"

I'm sick to death of people's judgements. I DO have feelings too! And I'm tired of being treated like I don't. I'm NOT a pathetic creature and I'm not hard and uncaring!

Just because I had a tragic past doesn't make me less than human! It could have.........but I made choices! I decided to live my life being aware of others and not to hurt the way that I had been hurt.

If I am different, that is the basis of my difference. I respect the rights and feelings of others and I try firmly not to judge. If you condemn me for that, I'm sorry for you!"

********************

The reason this particular journal entry struck me now is I seem to be having some of the same issues with people. My feelings about me have changed but I still find so many people jump to conclusions and judge others, including me, based on their assumptions. In that process they end up treating others unfairly.

While I no longer take those people's judgements seriously, it doesn't mean that they don't get in the way. I don't kick myself because they don't understand me. And I don't try to change to suit them either. I'm pretty comfortable with being true to me.

This human tendency to assume can make things tough. I find some issues surrounding my business are affected by that judgement of others. While that just makes one more obstacle I have to deal with to reach my goals, it still doesn't stop me. It just makes me sad that people can't be kinder to people and that some people I know have no idea who I really am as a person, not because of my behavior, but because of theirs.