In her comment on the last post from Lynn from Spilling Ink in Public shares that despite working hard on changing her negative self talk, she cannot get the feeling side of her to accept that new information. I suspect that Lynn is not alone with this problem. Many of us, singletons and multiples alike, have mastered the fine art of getting into our heads to such a degree that there is little connection between what we think and how we feel, even though that is the way it is "supposed" to work.
The only way that changing negative self talk will work is, as Lynn has observed, being able to make the changes in the feeling part of ourselves. That is where the "fun" comes in.
I say "fun" in a tongue in check manner because those of us that have successfully separated our feelings from our thoughts will not think this is fun. Being in our heads most likely it will be seen silly or even unnecessary. But the fact is the only way that changing self talk will work is by accessing the child part of us. That means the child must be engaged. Without the participation of the child, there will be no headway.
So how can the child be engaged? That is where the "fun" must come in for the child. Just like any small children, our inner children can be taught to change how they see the world by "play therapy." Every one will be different in what their inner child sees as something "fun" to participate in so to engage the child, the adult brain is going to have to listen closely and not discount how the child would like to proceed in this "play."
For me, it was artwork. My inner children could be drawn out to participate in the exercises to change my inner self talk by decorating my "new rule book." At first they did not believe the new messages BUT they appreciated being able to decorate the pages in a way they saw would be good if the rules were real. It was a big start.
Working on coloring the pages of the new rules gave them a chance to try on the feeling of that new rule, even if it was only for a few minutes. "I am NOT bad!" brightly decorated with stickers, water colors, crayons, felt time pens and finger paints carried a strong message even though it didn't feel like it at the time.
I set aside a portion of time each day to work on this rule book. I listened to all the inner messages about what supplies were needed. AND, most importantly I kept my adult head out of the execution of the exercises.
That translates to I actually let myself enjoy working on the exercises. I even allowed myself to play during the scheduled times. Blowing bubbles during part of my page decorating became a big deal. Getting my husband to blow bubbles with me, became an even bigger deal. In the process, my inner children began to heal and accept that the negative self talk really didn't fit.
Now, some might think that this was necessary because I am a multiple. But I can assure you that I had several therapy friends who were not, that did these exercises too with equally good responses.
Did I feel silly working on this rule book? I really did at first and awkward also comes to mind. I also found that I felt a lot of fear about it. Challenging those old rules was really intimidating. The child part of me expected to be chastised for even daring to think opposite what we had been brainwashed into believing. Just the fact that we started the project and lightening didn't strike us dead was helpful in discarding the old messages.
It occurs to me the reason that this works is you must first treat the child better for the child to learn that she deserves better. If the thinking adult part cannot make time for the child, you can talk all you want about the negative self talk being bogus, your actions speak much louder than your words. You must truly accept the child and embrace those childlike qualities for the child to believe you can be trusted. Only if you can be trusted will the inner child even consider the possibility that you might be right about the negative self talk.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did therapy
Showing posts with label Group Exercises. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Group Exercises. Show all posts
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
Silencing Those Negative Messages Within
We all do it...........negative self-talk. Just some of us participate more than others, particularly victims. Victims tend to raise this behavior to the level of an art form, specially sculpted and designed for our own particular circumstances.
In More Thoughts on Therapists and Therapy the comments suggest that readers see the problem with labels and double standards. Even though it was expressed in different ways, it still comes down to the same thing. That would be our self talk.
Knowing that we abuse ourselves through our self talk is actually the first step in being able to make it better. We sure can't fix it if we don't even know it's a problem. So if you now the things that you say and do to yourself that beat you down, that's a good thing.
The next step, obviously, is changing that behavior. It's certainly easier said than done. And I think it's easier done with a therapist because you have someone to check in with, hash it over, get ideas etc. BUT it can be done without a therapist. Because the fix comes from within. And, hey, with the blogging community many of you have built, you have lots of sounding boards so why not take it on.
For me, Garbage Feelings was what I called my negative messages. To identify them, I started with a list of the strongest most obvious ones. Just writing them down helped me to recognize them faster when they popped into my head.
Once I recognized them, it was time to change those negative messages. Replace them with a positive one. Sounds easy enough. I can tell you I had lots of pretty loud debates going on in my head. I wanted to hang on to that old s*** like it was some kind of treasure.
Taking on new positive messages in the place of the old negative ones was not easy. I had to start off knowing that it was going to feel weird, unreal, insincere. But it was a start. Just allowing myself to think something contrary to all of those years, was an important step.
I had to do things to remind myself I was working on this project. Sometimes I would sit down and write out the new message over and over. I had little pieces of paper taped up everywhere (the fridge, the microwave, mirrors, doors etc) with my new positive messages on them. Sometimes I tore up those pieces of paper and every once in a while, I drew glorious pictures to illustrate them.
One step at a time, I confronted them. I made it my goal to not let a day go by without challenging those old voices. Sometimes I had to get on the phone and call friends to talk about those messages. Other times I got out my "new rule book" and read through the pages over and over.
.Sure I didn't believe it at first. And sometimes I took three steps backwards to only two steps forward. BUT I never quit. It gradually got easier and easier. I still have days every now and then that I find one of those messages trying to sneak back into my head. But they are no longer welcome friends, just reminders of a time better left behind.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did therapy
In More Thoughts on Therapists and Therapy the comments suggest that readers see the problem with labels and double standards. Even though it was expressed in different ways, it still comes down to the same thing. That would be our self talk.
Knowing that we abuse ourselves through our self talk is actually the first step in being able to make it better. We sure can't fix it if we don't even know it's a problem. So if you now the things that you say and do to yourself that beat you down, that's a good thing.
The next step, obviously, is changing that behavior. It's certainly easier said than done. And I think it's easier done with a therapist because you have someone to check in with, hash it over, get ideas etc. BUT it can be done without a therapist. Because the fix comes from within. And, hey, with the blogging community many of you have built, you have lots of sounding boards so why not take it on.
For me, Garbage Feelings was what I called my negative messages. To identify them, I started with a list of the strongest most obvious ones. Just writing them down helped me to recognize them faster when they popped into my head.
Once I recognized them, it was time to change those negative messages. Replace them with a positive one. Sounds easy enough. I can tell you I had lots of pretty loud debates going on in my head. I wanted to hang on to that old s*** like it was some kind of treasure.
Taking on new positive messages in the place of the old negative ones was not easy. I had to start off knowing that it was going to feel weird, unreal, insincere. But it was a start. Just allowing myself to think something contrary to all of those years, was an important step.
I had to do things to remind myself I was working on this project. Sometimes I would sit down and write out the new message over and over. I had little pieces of paper taped up everywhere (the fridge, the microwave, mirrors, doors etc) with my new positive messages on them. Sometimes I tore up those pieces of paper and every once in a while, I drew glorious pictures to illustrate them.
One step at a time, I confronted them. I made it my goal to not let a day go by without challenging those old voices. Sometimes I had to get on the phone and call friends to talk about those messages. Other times I got out my "new rule book" and read through the pages over and over.
.Sure I didn't believe it at first. And sometimes I took three steps backwards to only two steps forward. BUT I never quit. It gradually got easier and easier. I still have days every now and then that I find one of those messages trying to sneak back into my head. But they are no longer welcome friends, just reminders of a time better left behind.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did therapy
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Fine
Don't ask me how I feel, if you don't want to know! I am no longer in a place of pretending that everything is fine. If the world is falling down around me. if I've had a bad day, I'm going to tell you. If I'm running around in circles, I'll tell you that too.
For most of my life I was fine. My father died when I was twelve, I never shed a tear in public. I shed very few tears at all and no one saw me cry, absolutely no one. Two weeks later I had an accident in which I got my hand stuck underneath the wheel on a go cart going down a hill. By the time we got the cart stopped, half my finger was worn away, you could see the middle of the bone but I was fine.
I knew how to be fine. I knew how to keep up appearances. I knew how to be in control. The problem was I didn't know how to live. I only knew how to keep up the role that I was playing. I was, after all, fine.
When I participated in group therapy, we were supposed to start off each group by telling how we felt. It only had to be one word, not big explanations if you didn't want to make them, just one word. But "fine" was not allowed. Fine was defined as
Fucked Up
Insecure
Neurotic
Evasive
Group was about learning to get healthy and obviously that definition is about as far away from healthy as one can get.
To this day I think about that definition every time I hear someone say they are fine. And usually it applies pretty well to the person using or maybe I should say "misusing" the word. I've learned that people who are "fine" are game players and control freaks. They are committed to appearances and value them over people. They are everything that I don't want to be.
I am never going to fit that definition again. I spent the first thirty or so years of my life being "fine." Now I chose to be "real." And I'm going to stay "real." That means when you ask me how I feel, I'm going to tell you exactly how I feel.
"Real" people are the kind of people I value. They are the ones worthy enough to be trusted to be my friends. Real people do not manipulate their feelings to make themselves look good or others look bad. Real people believe that people are more important than money, fame, appearances.
Real people can be there to support their friends when they are in pain because they don't fear what that pain might trigger in themselves. Real people aren't afraid of feelings. They are confident that their feelings will help them find their path in life. Real people are not afraid to be themselves. Real people are not afraid to be the flawed human beings we are.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
For most of my life I was fine. My father died when I was twelve, I never shed a tear in public. I shed very few tears at all and no one saw me cry, absolutely no one. Two weeks later I had an accident in which I got my hand stuck underneath the wheel on a go cart going down a hill. By the time we got the cart stopped, half my finger was worn away, you could see the middle of the bone but I was fine.
I knew how to be fine. I knew how to keep up appearances. I knew how to be in control. The problem was I didn't know how to live. I only knew how to keep up the role that I was playing. I was, after all, fine.
When I participated in group therapy, we were supposed to start off each group by telling how we felt. It only had to be one word, not big explanations if you didn't want to make them, just one word. But "fine" was not allowed. Fine was defined as
Fucked Up
Insecure
Neurotic
Evasive
Group was about learning to get healthy and obviously that definition is about as far away from healthy as one can get.
To this day I think about that definition every time I hear someone say they are fine. And usually it applies pretty well to the person using or maybe I should say "misusing" the word. I've learned that people who are "fine" are game players and control freaks. They are committed to appearances and value them over people. They are everything that I don't want to be.
I am never going to fit that definition again. I spent the first thirty or so years of my life being "fine." Now I chose to be "real." And I'm going to stay "real." That means when you ask me how I feel, I'm going to tell you exactly how I feel.
"Real" people are the kind of people I value. They are the ones worthy enough to be trusted to be my friends. Real people do not manipulate their feelings to make themselves look good or others look bad. Real people believe that people are more important than money, fame, appearances.
Real people can be there to support their friends when they are in pain because they don't fear what that pain might trigger in themselves. Real people aren't afraid of feelings. They are confident that their feelings will help them find their path in life. Real people are not afraid to be themselves. Real people are not afraid to be the flawed human beings we are.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Staying Stuck Part 2
Part 1
Don't ask me where I got the courage, because I haven't a clue but I interrupted her midsentence! I told her that I, for one, could not bear to sit there one more week and listen to her excuses for being stuck. As lovingly as I could, I told her that she, and only she, had control over her life. If she was not going to take the initiative to change, her life was never going to change. I told her it wasn't because she couldn't change but because she WOULDN'T change.
I reminded her of the suitcase with all of her excess baggage and how she had found all manner of excuses to not do the assignment and yet she pleaded for help. I told her I was no longer going to be responsible for enabling her evasive behavior. If she wanted to remain stuck that was fine, but I was not going to sit by quietly and not call it what it was her refusal to make the necessary changes.
I also told her I knew she was going to be very, very angry at me. I was willing to take that risk if it would help her to get unstuck. It was just entirely too sad to me to think that someone so young with the tools right in front of her was fighting so hard to stay burdened by her past. I told her I believed that while she probably wanted to strangle me, some day she would see how much I cared for her to have taken such a big risk.
The whole time I was saying this, my internal kids were shaking uncontrollably. They were so sure something bad was going to happen to them because we dared to confront someone on their behavior. Externally, I managed to keep a composed demeanor, I think the only think that gave away my internal conflict was the repeated cracking of my voice.
When I quit talking, the young woman began yelling, crying, you name it. Angry was an understatement. She went off on me like I'd just killed her best friend. BUT, and here's the good part, at group the next week she showed up with her suitcase with all of her excess baggage. And man was that thing loaded. She worked through every piece in that suitcase. However, she was still very angry with and and wasn't even speaking to me!
Luckily for me, one of my internal kids got pretty mad over this. She had had enough therapy now, that she knew she didn't do anything wrong. She knew she had done what she could to help a friend. Somehow she managed to keep the lid on the pain that should have been triggered by our programming. Believe me, that was a relief.
The following week the young woman came in to say she was leaving group. She was leaving her toxic family. She had quit her job and was moving to California. She had a job offer in a field she had always wanted to work but had never had the courage to leave home. She still was not talking to me!
Six months later this young woman came back to group for a visit. She came specifically to see me. She came to tell me that my honesty had saved her life. She wanted to say that the anger she felt towards me had given her the courage to confront the people she was really mad at in her life. Once she'd done that she knew she had the courage to move away and start fresh. She said she was the happiest she had ever been in her life. She came back to say that I was the first person in her life who had cared enough about her to stand up to her spoiled brat tantrums and she loved me for it!! Can you imagine that!
Now, my question is this. Do you go through life saying "I can't" or "I couldn't" so you are taking away all of your choices? If you do, here's a trick I learned that helps a lot. When you hear yourself saying or writing "can't or "couldn't" substitute "won't" or "wouldn't." Give yourself back the power of you choice not to change. And then when you don't like the way that "won't sounds, do whatever you're saying you can't or won't do. That will certainly help you to get unstuck!
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did abuse
Don't ask me where I got the courage, because I haven't a clue but I interrupted her midsentence! I told her that I, for one, could not bear to sit there one more week and listen to her excuses for being stuck. As lovingly as I could, I told her that she, and only she, had control over her life. If she was not going to take the initiative to change, her life was never going to change. I told her it wasn't because she couldn't change but because she WOULDN'T change.
I reminded her of the suitcase with all of her excess baggage and how she had found all manner of excuses to not do the assignment and yet she pleaded for help. I told her I was no longer going to be responsible for enabling her evasive behavior. If she wanted to remain stuck that was fine, but I was not going to sit by quietly and not call it what it was her refusal to make the necessary changes.
I also told her I knew she was going to be very, very angry at me. I was willing to take that risk if it would help her to get unstuck. It was just entirely too sad to me to think that someone so young with the tools right in front of her was fighting so hard to stay burdened by her past. I told her I believed that while she probably wanted to strangle me, some day she would see how much I cared for her to have taken such a big risk.
The whole time I was saying this, my internal kids were shaking uncontrollably. They were so sure something bad was going to happen to them because we dared to confront someone on their behavior. Externally, I managed to keep a composed demeanor, I think the only think that gave away my internal conflict was the repeated cracking of my voice.
When I quit talking, the young woman began yelling, crying, you name it. Angry was an understatement. She went off on me like I'd just killed her best friend. BUT, and here's the good part, at group the next week she showed up with her suitcase with all of her excess baggage. And man was that thing loaded. She worked through every piece in that suitcase. However, she was still very angry with and and wasn't even speaking to me!
Luckily for me, one of my internal kids got pretty mad over this. She had had enough therapy now, that she knew she didn't do anything wrong. She knew she had done what she could to help a friend. Somehow she managed to keep the lid on the pain that should have been triggered by our programming. Believe me, that was a relief.
The following week the young woman came in to say she was leaving group. She was leaving her toxic family. She had quit her job and was moving to California. She had a job offer in a field she had always wanted to work but had never had the courage to leave home. She still was not talking to me!
Six months later this young woman came back to group for a visit. She came specifically to see me. She came to tell me that my honesty had saved her life. She wanted to say that the anger she felt towards me had given her the courage to confront the people she was really mad at in her life. Once she'd done that she knew she had the courage to move away and start fresh. She said she was the happiest she had ever been in her life. She came back to say that I was the first person in her life who had cared enough about her to stand up to her spoiled brat tantrums and she loved me for it!! Can you imagine that!
Now, my question is this. Do you go through life saying "I can't" or "I couldn't" so you are taking away all of your choices? If you do, here's a trick I learned that helps a lot. When you hear yourself saying or writing "can't or "couldn't" substitute "won't" or "wouldn't." Give yourself back the power of you choice not to change. And then when you don't like the way that "won't sounds, do whatever you're saying you can't or won't do. That will certainly help you to get unstuck!
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did abuse
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Staying Stuck
During my time in group therapy I met a lot of people who were stuck. Most probably didn't realize they were stuck but they were. I was fortunate that it didn't take me long to learn about being stuck and how to prevent it. That also meant I got to be pretty good at identifying when someone else was stuck.
I can remember one young woman that was in my intimacy group. Week after week she came in, wanted time in group to work through her issues but proceeded to go over the same complaints.
After group each week many of the participants would meet together at the closest coffee shop and visit for a while. For a number of weeks, the discussion seemed to always go back to this young woman taking up so much group time and accomplishing nothing. It was obvious to everyone in the group that she was stuck except her.
After a few weeks of this behavior, one of the therapists asked her to come to group the following week with a suitcase packed with all of her excess baggage. While I was never assigned one of those symbolic assignments, I had seen many of them work very impressively. I thought this could really be helpful for this young woman.
Well, the next week came along and there she was ready to take up at least half of the group's time as usual, but she did not have her suitcase with her excess baggage. When asked about it, she provided some lame excuse and then went off on her usual rant about her job, her boss, her parents, her life. Every suggestion of how to deal with her issues, she had a reason why she "just couldn't do that!"
The next week and the next it was the same thing. She would come to group, want time to work but didn't have her assignment. By the fourth week no one was even asking her about her assignment anymore but the looks would fly around the room as she went off on her hour to hour and a half rant about her life.
I'm not the bravest person in the world when it comes to groups. I can talk one on one with people just fine but put me in a group and I tend to shutdown in the corner. I'm a watcher!! I take it all in and process it later. I can speak up and say I need to work and do my thing but confront someone in a group. It's not my style. Too many years of public humiliation, I'm terrified.
Well, by the next week, even I had had it! I had something I'd wanted to work on and there was no way there was going to be time if she got going first. And, as usual, she got going first. I had been thinking about this for weeks rehearsing it over and over in my mind. If I could get up the courage, I would confront her.
Now, you know I've got a couple of hundred kids in there that are absolutely dying over this. You want to talk about a revolution the internal fight was on. There was crying and screaming and you name it, my internal kids did NOT want any part of us to be confronting anyone. As far as they were concerned that was suicide.
By now, I really understood their fear. My programming had been so complete that any form of mistake or embarrassment throughout my entire life had triggered reliving extreme physical abuse coupled with equally extreme emotional pain. My system had always been able to trap that pain but now that we were in therapy, things were changing. It was entirely possible that that pain would all come spilling out.
To be continued..............
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did abuse
I can remember one young woman that was in my intimacy group. Week after week she came in, wanted time in group to work through her issues but proceeded to go over the same complaints.
After group each week many of the participants would meet together at the closest coffee shop and visit for a while. For a number of weeks, the discussion seemed to always go back to this young woman taking up so much group time and accomplishing nothing. It was obvious to everyone in the group that she was stuck except her.
After a few weeks of this behavior, one of the therapists asked her to come to group the following week with a suitcase packed with all of her excess baggage. While I was never assigned one of those symbolic assignments, I had seen many of them work very impressively. I thought this could really be helpful for this young woman.
Well, the next week came along and there she was ready to take up at least half of the group's time as usual, but she did not have her suitcase with her excess baggage. When asked about it, she provided some lame excuse and then went off on her usual rant about her job, her boss, her parents, her life. Every suggestion of how to deal with her issues, she had a reason why she "just couldn't do that!"
The next week and the next it was the same thing. She would come to group, want time to work but didn't have her assignment. By the fourth week no one was even asking her about her assignment anymore but the looks would fly around the room as she went off on her hour to hour and a half rant about her life.
I'm not the bravest person in the world when it comes to groups. I can talk one on one with people just fine but put me in a group and I tend to shutdown in the corner. I'm a watcher!! I take it all in and process it later. I can speak up and say I need to work and do my thing but confront someone in a group. It's not my style. Too many years of public humiliation, I'm terrified.
Well, by the next week, even I had had it! I had something I'd wanted to work on and there was no way there was going to be time if she got going first. And, as usual, she got going first. I had been thinking about this for weeks rehearsing it over and over in my mind. If I could get up the courage, I would confront her.
Now, you know I've got a couple of hundred kids in there that are absolutely dying over this. You want to talk about a revolution the internal fight was on. There was crying and screaming and you name it, my internal kids did NOT want any part of us to be confronting anyone. As far as they were concerned that was suicide.
By now, I really understood their fear. My programming had been so complete that any form of mistake or embarrassment throughout my entire life had triggered reliving extreme physical abuse coupled with equally extreme emotional pain. My system had always been able to trap that pain but now that we were in therapy, things were changing. It was entirely possible that that pain would all come spilling out.
To be continued..............
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did abuse
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
