I've mentioned before that I was married to a batterer, not once but twice. Each of my first two husband's had problems, huge problems, with anger. Having chosen that type of man to trust is the reason I sought out therapy in the first place, wanting to know what it was about me that caused me to make such decisions.
Those years of being afraid for my life are long since over. However, recently one of the soap operas I sometimes watch has run a story line of teen battery. A couple of weeks ago I watched a scene that I had to turn off it so struck a cord with me.
The teen age girl was being assaulted by her boyfriend in a scene so realistic it brought tears to my eyes and fear to my heart. For the first time in many years I relived the terror of those days when I thought I was going to die at the hands of my then husband.
My reaction to this scene caught me off guard. My heart began to pound as fear immobilized me just like it used to back during those days. I felt trapped when all I needed to do to escape was change the channel. I had to get my now husband, Dave, to do that for me.
Since that episode aired I have been drawn to that story line. Each scene tugs at my heart strings as a part of me experiences feelings from so long ago. While the circumstances are very different, the feelings are the same. I remember the feeling of a neck tie or a phone cord around my neck strangling the life out of me as I tried to push my attacker off. I remember the family and friends of the attacker blaming the abuse on me. I remember the humiliation. I remember believing it was my fault.
I remember stuffing all those feelings in a box and putting them away so I didn't have to feel. Putting things on a shelf somewhere was the only way I could survive. It was the only way to prevent a repeat performance before the man had time to settle. Episodes too close together could easily have resulted in my death.
Now, Pandora's box has been opened and those old feelings have spilled out to never be contained again. I will no longer be a victim of fear whether it be fear of those feelings or fear of repercussions because I dared tell. Instead I find myself processing these old things from nearly forty years ago and finally healing up the wounds.
The memories flash before me like a slide show of horror. Again I am surprised at all the things I have lived but never felt because of the coping mechanism that is MPD/DID.
I am grateful that today my healing process does not take the time it did those twenty years ago so that when I now feel these things the horror is only fleeting. The self-loathing and contempt nothing more than a hiccup as my new perception of me holds strong. I am a survivor worthy of a better life. Still I cannot help but be touched by this reminder of what I have survived and the things that MPD/DID saved me from.
Showing posts with label Abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Abuse. Show all posts
Friday, April 9, 2010
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
The Discovery
The night Getting Together...........Old Ties my old therapist and cohorts from group met I told them about the state I was in when that stuff around my therapy all happened. It was with new perspective I began to realize how B's (I'm going to refer to the director as B) actions were consistent with those of other therapists who abused survivors, something I hadn't seen before now.
Up to this time I had seen just her decision to remove me from my support group as the problem in my relationship there. Now I see even more sinister things she did, all pushing me farther and farther over the edge. I remember my frustrations with her "form" of therapy at the time. However, I was already in such turmoil from that first decision I neglected to see what she was doing was wrong.
I guess that speaks to why I never did sue this woman or the agency. I didn't see what she was doing as wrong. All I saw was it from her perspective. She told me she had the right to do it all, remove me from group, take my therapist away, change my therapy all of it and I BELIEVED her.
The fact that it had nearly killed me didn't seem to matter. That's what she told me, it was an agency decision, and I bought it hook, line and sinker. The agency being the expert and me, just a victim, it was OK with society what they did. And that's pretty much what I've always believed.
I always thought it was a bad decision from someone who was supposed to care about people. But it never occurred to me that society might see it as decision they shouldn't have made, dereliction of their duty. I just didn't see it wasn't just an issue of caring. It was an issue of them not doing their job properly.
I've been angry all these years and thought they shouldn't have done it, like my mother shouldn't have abandoned and disinherited me or turned my siblings against me. But just like doing those things was my mother's prerogative and I had no recourse, I believed the same about B and the agency. It didn't dawn on me until now that others, including the professional community, would see what she did as wrong. That agencies and the professionals they hire are responsible for making appropriate decisions in the treatment of their patients. If they don't, they are breaking their professional code of ethics and maybe even the law.
Sure I believe I've stated here in a post after that Lunch and a Movie Lunch and a Movie incident when I learned the agency had been sued, that I SHOULD have done that. But the fact is I really didn't believe that I had anything to sue over. I didn't believe they had done anything "wrong" in any one's opinion but mine. It was more anger talking than believing B really DIDN'T have the right to treat me that way.That she wasn't doing her job properly. I didn't believe it mattered what B did to me. She had power and I didn't. That's just how it was.
Sure it mattered to me. But no one else seemed to care. My husband was in his usual "la-la" state. My friends from group seemed to push me away and didn't seem to see that anything was wrong other than the anger they saw from me. I'd been abandoned by a pretty darn good therapist, or so I thought. The message of all of this was that it really didn't matter to anyone but ME. It must have been OK what they did. The problem was MY reaction. And who in the heck am I, after all? Those same old messages and yet I've been still harboring them for nearly twenty years.
Now I find out my friends from group feelings for me didn't change at all. My former therapist didn't ask to stop seeing me because I was angry over being removed from group. None of them knew I was in real jeopardy because all my self destruct programming had become engaged. No one got the peril I was in.................no one but me. And no one knew anything inappropriate was happening, not even me and I was the one it was happening to.
People have been harming me all of my life. It's what I know. I'm used to it. It was always the way it should be, it was something I deserved. So I've taken it! Yupe, I've just sat back and taken it believing that's how it is.
Even after I completed therapy I have "taken" things in a way. I've learned if things hurt me, I can protect myself. But even that has been more about putting a wall up and removing myself, the only form of protection to "just not be there."
Kenny Rodgers song The Gambler comes to mind for me. Ya gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and when to run. I've been pretty darn good at doing all of these things except the "hold em" part. I've given up and protected myself but never stood my ground or fought back.
I haven't really fought for me. I may have figured out I didn't have to "take it" anymore but I've never really figured out that it was OK for me to fight back. That I deserve better and it's OK to stand up for myself when life knocks me down. That sniggling little message that it's OK that bad stuff happen to me was still hiding away in there eating away at me. I just didn't realize it was there. The question now is, What am I going to do about it?
Up to this time I had seen just her decision to remove me from my support group as the problem in my relationship there. Now I see even more sinister things she did, all pushing me farther and farther over the edge. I remember my frustrations with her "form" of therapy at the time. However, I was already in such turmoil from that first decision I neglected to see what she was doing was wrong.
I guess that speaks to why I never did sue this woman or the agency. I didn't see what she was doing as wrong. All I saw was it from her perspective. She told me she had the right to do it all, remove me from group, take my therapist away, change my therapy all of it and I BELIEVED her.
The fact that it had nearly killed me didn't seem to matter. That's what she told me, it was an agency decision, and I bought it hook, line and sinker. The agency being the expert and me, just a victim, it was OK with society what they did. And that's pretty much what I've always believed.
I always thought it was a bad decision from someone who was supposed to care about people. But it never occurred to me that society might see it as decision they shouldn't have made, dereliction of their duty. I just didn't see it wasn't just an issue of caring. It was an issue of them not doing their job properly.
I've been angry all these years and thought they shouldn't have done it, like my mother shouldn't have abandoned and disinherited me or turned my siblings against me. But just like doing those things was my mother's prerogative and I had no recourse, I believed the same about B and the agency. It didn't dawn on me until now that others, including the professional community, would see what she did as wrong. That agencies and the professionals they hire are responsible for making appropriate decisions in the treatment of their patients. If they don't, they are breaking their professional code of ethics and maybe even the law.
Sure I believe I've stated here in a post after that Lunch and a Movie Lunch and a Movie incident when I learned the agency had been sued, that I SHOULD have done that. But the fact is I really didn't believe that I had anything to sue over. I didn't believe they had done anything "wrong" in any one's opinion but mine. It was more anger talking than believing B really DIDN'T have the right to treat me that way.That she wasn't doing her job properly. I didn't believe it mattered what B did to me. She had power and I didn't. That's just how it was.
Sure it mattered to me. But no one else seemed to care. My husband was in his usual "la-la" state. My friends from group seemed to push me away and didn't seem to see that anything was wrong other than the anger they saw from me. I'd been abandoned by a pretty darn good therapist, or so I thought. The message of all of this was that it really didn't matter to anyone but ME. It must have been OK what they did. The problem was MY reaction. And who in the heck am I, after all? Those same old messages and yet I've been still harboring them for nearly twenty years.
Now I find out my friends from group feelings for me didn't change at all. My former therapist didn't ask to stop seeing me because I was angry over being removed from group. None of them knew I was in real jeopardy because all my self destruct programming had become engaged. No one got the peril I was in.................no one but me. And no one knew anything inappropriate was happening, not even me and I was the one it was happening to.
People have been harming me all of my life. It's what I know. I'm used to it. It was always the way it should be, it was something I deserved. So I've taken it! Yupe, I've just sat back and taken it believing that's how it is.
Even after I completed therapy I have "taken" things in a way. I've learned if things hurt me, I can protect myself. But even that has been more about putting a wall up and removing myself, the only form of protection to "just not be there."
Kenny Rodgers song The Gambler comes to mind for me. Ya gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and when to run. I've been pretty darn good at doing all of these things except the "hold em" part. I've given up and protected myself but never stood my ground or fought back.
I haven't really fought for me. I may have figured out I didn't have to "take it" anymore but I've never really figured out that it was OK for me to fight back. That I deserve better and it's OK to stand up for myself when life knocks me down. That sniggling little message that it's OK that bad stuff happen to me was still hiding away in there eating away at me. I just didn't realize it was there. The question now is, What am I going to do about it?
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Reporting Abuse........My Story....Part 2
When my then husband came home I told him what had happened and what I had done. He seemed supportive of my reporting the incident but not really concerned about what might come next. Basically he had a wait and see attitude. (Funny now that I think about it, this husband of mine was a batterer and a child abuser too only I hadn't figured that out yet!) I decided to follow his lead and just wait.
Imagine my surprise when the knock on the door did come and the neighbor next door asked if we wanted to play cards. That's right, we played pinochle that night with the woman I had reported for abusing her child across from me playing as my partner. Right in my own living room with the very child playing on the floor. If you don't think that was awkward. I didn't have a clue what to think.......I really sucked at cards that night I can tell you. All I could think of what the sound of that toddler hitting the wall with his little head.
I finally figured out she had probably not told her husband anything about the visit from the police. That's why he wasn't upset. I passed that information along to the police and it was added to their notes.
Just a couple of weeks later base housing became available and those people moved. After that one report I didn't see or hear anything else that would be helpful to the police and they had no case. Once they moved I didn't hear another word about them until two years later.
Then it was the military police who were knocking on my door. We too had moved from those apartments. They had tracked me down. They were wanting information about that police report I had made and anything else I might know.
When I inquired about their late involvement in this situation, they informed me the woman had killed that little boy while living in base housing. She was, of course, being prosecuted for the murder. They were gathering evidence to build their case.
The only history of any previous abuse turned out to be my report despite the fact the child's lifeless body offered up proof of extensive abuse. Besides being extremely malnourished, he also had lots and lots of old fractures and signs of what they called significant bruising in all stages of healing over his entire body.
I remember the chill that ran through my body and up over the back of my head as I heard those words. Who knows maybe those words are part of what helped me get away from that abusive husband of mine. Even today just writing this the chills run down my spine. I see that child's face, I hear his cry.
Not long after the military police came to see me, the father of the boy came to visit as well. He asked me about that day. He thanked me for trying to help his little boy. The man had no clue..........he was devastated......and even worse, he was fighting for another child.
The woman was pregnant. Even though she was going to serve time for killing this boy, according to California law she still had rights to the new baby. Because the man was military, he wasn't allowed to have custody either under California law.
I did sworn statements for him. Last I heard he had to leave the military to get custody of the second child, a daughter. In the meantime they had managed to give temporary custody to the man's mother. But that didn't even happen until after the woman was caught abusing that child too. Because he now had a clue what the signs of her MO were, he was able to see the signs during visitations. Then he was able to save the child before she was murdered.........but not before lots of broken bones.
This incident was long before any useful therapy for me. Don't ask me how I managed to get up the courage to report the incident in the first place, let alone not blaming myself for not saving that child........but I actually did ok.
Even though I was sick about things, I somehow managed to know it wasn't within my power to save either child. But even today I feel a great sadness that it had to end this way...........and I am thankful that the second child was saved.
I believe laws have changed a lot since those days. Even so they are still not protecting children. Everytime I hear an incidence on the news about the death of a child, this incident comes flooding back to me.
In these difficult economic times the number of children being killed by their parents is rising. I don't know if anyone is actually doing a study on this fact, but it's true. We hardly get through a month here in Washington state and there's another story of a child murdered by a parent, a step-parent or a boyfriend/girlfriend of a parent. Are similiar things happening in your area?
Imagine my surprise when the knock on the door did come and the neighbor next door asked if we wanted to play cards. That's right, we played pinochle that night with the woman I had reported for abusing her child across from me playing as my partner. Right in my own living room with the very child playing on the floor. If you don't think that was awkward. I didn't have a clue what to think.......I really sucked at cards that night I can tell you. All I could think of what the sound of that toddler hitting the wall with his little head.
I finally figured out she had probably not told her husband anything about the visit from the police. That's why he wasn't upset. I passed that information along to the police and it was added to their notes.
Just a couple of weeks later base housing became available and those people moved. After that one report I didn't see or hear anything else that would be helpful to the police and they had no case. Once they moved I didn't hear another word about them until two years later.
Then it was the military police who were knocking on my door. We too had moved from those apartments. They had tracked me down. They were wanting information about that police report I had made and anything else I might know.
When I inquired about their late involvement in this situation, they informed me the woman had killed that little boy while living in base housing. She was, of course, being prosecuted for the murder. They were gathering evidence to build their case.
The only history of any previous abuse turned out to be my report despite the fact the child's lifeless body offered up proof of extensive abuse. Besides being extremely malnourished, he also had lots and lots of old fractures and signs of what they called significant bruising in all stages of healing over his entire body.
I remember the chill that ran through my body and up over the back of my head as I heard those words. Who knows maybe those words are part of what helped me get away from that abusive husband of mine. Even today just writing this the chills run down my spine. I see that child's face, I hear his cry.
Not long after the military police came to see me, the father of the boy came to visit as well. He asked me about that day. He thanked me for trying to help his little boy. The man had no clue..........he was devastated......and even worse, he was fighting for another child.
The woman was pregnant. Even though she was going to serve time for killing this boy, according to California law she still had rights to the new baby. Because the man was military, he wasn't allowed to have custody either under California law.
I did sworn statements for him. Last I heard he had to leave the military to get custody of the second child, a daughter. In the meantime they had managed to give temporary custody to the man's mother. But that didn't even happen until after the woman was caught abusing that child too. Because he now had a clue what the signs of her MO were, he was able to see the signs during visitations. Then he was able to save the child before she was murdered.........but not before lots of broken bones.
This incident was long before any useful therapy for me. Don't ask me how I managed to get up the courage to report the incident in the first place, let alone not blaming myself for not saving that child........but I actually did ok.
Even though I was sick about things, I somehow managed to know it wasn't within my power to save either child. But even today I feel a great sadness that it had to end this way...........and I am thankful that the second child was saved.
I believe laws have changed a lot since those days. Even so they are still not protecting children. Everytime I hear an incidence on the news about the death of a child, this incident comes flooding back to me.
In these difficult economic times the number of children being killed by their parents is rising. I don't know if anyone is actually doing a study on this fact, but it's true. We hardly get through a month here in Washington state and there's another story of a child murdered by a parent, a step-parent or a boyfriend/girlfriend of a parent. Are similiar things happening in your area?
Monday, December 22, 2008
Reporting Abuse........My Story
Keepers did a recent post about reporting a case of abuse. I don't know what kind of abuse she reported but just reading her post triggered the memory of my own reporting of abuse.
Many years ago, I think around 35 or so, I lived in southern California in an apartment complex that housed low to middle income families. It was near a military base so there were also lots of new military families as they waited for base housing to become available.
Not long after the birth of my older son, a military family moved in next door. They had a toddler and seemed to be very nice. We hit it off well with them and soon began getting together to play cards.....pinochle, I think. Sometimes we even had meals together. We spent a lot of evenings with this family.
The only unusual thing I noticed right from the start about this family was the toddler, a little boy, just wouldn't eat. Whenever we sat down to a meal with them, the child would cry and toy with his food but he would not eat. He was probably tall for his age (about 18 months) but very, very thin.
Not long after they moved in I was asked to baby sit for this child. Despite being concerned that he wouldn't eat, I went ahead and said "Yes." To my surprise I had no problems getting the child to eat........as a matter of fact he ate whatever I put in front of him. I had no problems with it all which really seemed to surprise his mother....as it had surprised me.
A few weeks after this new friendship began I was awaken early in the morning by an awful sound. I heard the sobbing of a child followed by a heavy thud and a gasp. Then there would be a brief quiet followed by more sobbing. This was repeated over and over several minutes time.
I tried to push the sleep from my brain to digest what I was hearing. Slowly the horror began to sink in as I realized I was hearing the sounds of that toddler being banged against the wall.......over and over. The thump was him hitting the wall followed by the sound of the air being forced right out of his little body. When he could catch his breath the boy began sobbing again only to be banged into the wall again. By the time I figured it out, the noises had stopped.
Still I immediately dialed 911. The apartment next door was quiet so the police didn't rush to get there. It was actually several hours before they arrived to talk with me.
Throughout that day, I began putting the pieces together. I started thinking about the bruising I'd seen but not thought much of. About the child not eating for his mother.........the fear that must have been about.
I told them what I suspected.......because that's all it was to them, a suspicion. Even with everything I'd seen and heard they needed more proof. They told me this would start a case file but it was far from finishing it.
Then they went next door to question the mother....the father was at work. There were no visible bruises on the child so there was nothing they could do.
I remember my discomfort over this whole thing. What was going to happen next. I figured the child was safe for the short term..........she knew now that someone was watching someone close. What would she do to protect herself? What would she tell her husband? Would the military man come home in a rage pounding on my door? If so would he bring a gun? All kinds of fears ran through my head.
To be continued............
Many years ago, I think around 35 or so, I lived in southern California in an apartment complex that housed low to middle income families. It was near a military base so there were also lots of new military families as they waited for base housing to become available.
Not long after the birth of my older son, a military family moved in next door. They had a toddler and seemed to be very nice. We hit it off well with them and soon began getting together to play cards.....pinochle, I think. Sometimes we even had meals together. We spent a lot of evenings with this family.
The only unusual thing I noticed right from the start about this family was the toddler, a little boy, just wouldn't eat. Whenever we sat down to a meal with them, the child would cry and toy with his food but he would not eat. He was probably tall for his age (about 18 months) but very, very thin.
Not long after they moved in I was asked to baby sit for this child. Despite being concerned that he wouldn't eat, I went ahead and said "Yes." To my surprise I had no problems getting the child to eat........as a matter of fact he ate whatever I put in front of him. I had no problems with it all which really seemed to surprise his mother....as it had surprised me.
A few weeks after this new friendship began I was awaken early in the morning by an awful sound. I heard the sobbing of a child followed by a heavy thud and a gasp. Then there would be a brief quiet followed by more sobbing. This was repeated over and over several minutes time.
I tried to push the sleep from my brain to digest what I was hearing. Slowly the horror began to sink in as I realized I was hearing the sounds of that toddler being banged against the wall.......over and over. The thump was him hitting the wall followed by the sound of the air being forced right out of his little body. When he could catch his breath the boy began sobbing again only to be banged into the wall again. By the time I figured it out, the noises had stopped.
Still I immediately dialed 911. The apartment next door was quiet so the police didn't rush to get there. It was actually several hours before they arrived to talk with me.
Throughout that day, I began putting the pieces together. I started thinking about the bruising I'd seen but not thought much of. About the child not eating for his mother.........the fear that must have been about.
I told them what I suspected.......because that's all it was to them, a suspicion. Even with everything I'd seen and heard they needed more proof. They told me this would start a case file but it was far from finishing it.
Then they went next door to question the mother....the father was at work. There were no visible bruises on the child so there was nothing they could do.
I remember my discomfort over this whole thing. What was going to happen next. I figured the child was safe for the short term..........she knew now that someone was watching someone close. What would she do to protect herself? What would she tell her husband? Would the military man come home in a rage pounding on my door? If so would he bring a gun? All kinds of fears ran through my head.
To be continued............
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Is There a Link Between Child Abuse & Sexual Violence - My Story
Today is another blog carnival about sexual violence. This edition is hosted at Marcella's blog, Abyss2Hope In keeping with the occasion Marj Blog Against Sexual Violence: The Link to Child Sexual Abuse posted a personal account that clearly shows the link between being a childhood victim going on to be victimized as an adult.
That has been my history as well. Just growing up and getting away from an abusive home did not save me from being abused. It set me up for further abuse. Until I learned how to undo all of the old programming that came along with my victimization, I was helpless. I didn't have the skills to help myself but I had a fully functioning set of old messages that kept me trapped and set me up for further victimization.
My adult history with victimization is extensive. Not only did I marry two different men who turned out to be batters and child molesters, I have been raped many times. All of those were by men I knew. I'm actually not even sure how many times I was raped.
I believe the reason for this extensive history is directly related to the extremes I suffered as a child. I learned that shutting down when trapped actually served me the best as a child. Fighting off any assault would only make matters much worse for me. So as an adult if I felt trapped, I shut down and let whatever happen. I was totally unable to protect myself.
Reading Marj's post and her feelings of guilt that some how this was her fault reminded me of one specific incident that has been particularly hard for me to come to terms with. Just like Marj, I thought it was my fault. It is a particularly convoluted story that maybe even some will see as my fault because of some of the details. I assure you, this was not then and never will be something that I wanted to happen to me or that I would have participated in willingly.
Not long after I got out of high school, I met a young man at a club. He was a professional baseball player with our local team, the Seattle Rainiers. He walked up to me and asked me when I was going to marry him. From there he spun of web of deceit that totally sucked me in. Only after I was well ensnared in his web did I learn this man was married.
Even then, he told me lies and I believed them. I was so desperate for someone to truly love me that I couldn't see the truth. I continued to date this man (until this incident) even though I knew he was married believing that he was in the process of getting a divorce. Of course, it turned out that I found out later that nothing was farther from the truth.
One night he talked me into bringing one of my friends along as a date for his best friend (also a ball player on the team). I don't even remember what we did that night until the part where we went back to their place. The baseball player's friend was pressuring my friend to have sex with him. She was adamant that she didn't want to. He wasn't happy so he complained about it to my date.
I can't even tell you how it got from there to my date throwing me onto a bed but it did. The other player grabbed my friend and forced her to watch as my legs were yanked apart and the crotch of my slacks split wide open from the force. My "date" then threw himself on top of me and had sex with me telling my friend that I liked it.
I was appalled! BUT some part of me had sex with him. Some part of me kicked into gear and protected me from further harm by pretending it was ok when really it was never OK. The coping mechanism of going along with whatever happens no matter what kicked in and sold me down the river. The whole time the only screaming and fighting that happened was in my head. I was unable to move but the noise in my head was deafening.
I believe my friend ran from the room. I really don't know. I believe for many years she thought I was ok with the behavior in that house that day. As much as I know I did not fight him, I also know it was never OK with me, not even the part that took over and didn't fight thought it was OK. She knew it was wrong and she felt humiliated as well.
This was one of my best friends in the world. We didn't talk about that incident for many, many years. I can't even remember how it came up but when it did, I told her I was raped. Being the friend that she is she never doubted me for a moment, but I have doubted me. Even understanding that I am a multiple and how my system works has not helped me put this memory away where it belongs. I know in my head that I wasn't responsible for this but I still feel like I am.
Incidents like this are the legacy of abuse left untreated and unhealed. As extensive as my healing is, I still struggle with healing from this thing but I no longer am victim of situations like this. That, to me, is what is so important about the healing work and getting through all of those old messages. I may still feel guilt about something that wasn't my fault but I no longer experience those kinds of situations. I know have the skills to protect myself and there will be no more episodes like this in my future.
That has been my history as well. Just growing up and getting away from an abusive home did not save me from being abused. It set me up for further abuse. Until I learned how to undo all of the old programming that came along with my victimization, I was helpless. I didn't have the skills to help myself but I had a fully functioning set of old messages that kept me trapped and set me up for further victimization.
My adult history with victimization is extensive. Not only did I marry two different men who turned out to be batters and child molesters, I have been raped many times. All of those were by men I knew. I'm actually not even sure how many times I was raped.
I believe the reason for this extensive history is directly related to the extremes I suffered as a child. I learned that shutting down when trapped actually served me the best as a child. Fighting off any assault would only make matters much worse for me. So as an adult if I felt trapped, I shut down and let whatever happen. I was totally unable to protect myself.
Reading Marj's post and her feelings of guilt that some how this was her fault reminded me of one specific incident that has been particularly hard for me to come to terms with. Just like Marj, I thought it was my fault. It is a particularly convoluted story that maybe even some will see as my fault because of some of the details. I assure you, this was not then and never will be something that I wanted to happen to me or that I would have participated in willingly.
Not long after I got out of high school, I met a young man at a club. He was a professional baseball player with our local team, the Seattle Rainiers. He walked up to me and asked me when I was going to marry him. From there he spun of web of deceit that totally sucked me in. Only after I was well ensnared in his web did I learn this man was married.
Even then, he told me lies and I believed them. I was so desperate for someone to truly love me that I couldn't see the truth. I continued to date this man (until this incident) even though I knew he was married believing that he was in the process of getting a divorce. Of course, it turned out that I found out later that nothing was farther from the truth.
One night he talked me into bringing one of my friends along as a date for his best friend (also a ball player on the team). I don't even remember what we did that night until the part where we went back to their place. The baseball player's friend was pressuring my friend to have sex with him. She was adamant that she didn't want to. He wasn't happy so he complained about it to my date.
I can't even tell you how it got from there to my date throwing me onto a bed but it did. The other player grabbed my friend and forced her to watch as my legs were yanked apart and the crotch of my slacks split wide open from the force. My "date" then threw himself on top of me and had sex with me telling my friend that I liked it.
I was appalled! BUT some part of me had sex with him. Some part of me kicked into gear and protected me from further harm by pretending it was ok when really it was never OK. The coping mechanism of going along with whatever happens no matter what kicked in and sold me down the river. The whole time the only screaming and fighting that happened was in my head. I was unable to move but the noise in my head was deafening.
I believe my friend ran from the room. I really don't know. I believe for many years she thought I was ok with the behavior in that house that day. As much as I know I did not fight him, I also know it was never OK with me, not even the part that took over and didn't fight thought it was OK. She knew it was wrong and she felt humiliated as well.
This was one of my best friends in the world. We didn't talk about that incident for many, many years. I can't even remember how it came up but when it did, I told her I was raped. Being the friend that she is she never doubted me for a moment, but I have doubted me. Even understanding that I am a multiple and how my system works has not helped me put this memory away where it belongs. I know in my head that I wasn't responsible for this but I still feel like I am.
Incidents like this are the legacy of abuse left untreated and unhealed. As extensive as my healing is, I still struggle with healing from this thing but I no longer am victim of situations like this. That, to me, is what is so important about the healing work and getting through all of those old messages. I may still feel guilt about something that wasn't my fault but I no longer experience those kinds of situations. I know have the skills to protect myself and there will be no more episodes like this in my future.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Excuses or Reasons
On my post, Mass Murders Close to Home Lynn from Spilling Ink in Public made a comment that started off I think that the only way for it to end is for people to simultaneously take seriously the complaints these people have against their families while speaking out against the killings. I have to admit that my first reaction to this was to bristle up and get defensive. Probably because this particular crime happened so close to home. But I backed up and took my time and really tried to understand what Lynn was saying. There are things in what she said that have merit.
If more people were listened to and had someplace to be taken seriously, perhaps there would be less violence. For all the big talk in this country, we really have not made many inroads toward the compassionate acceptance of the complaints of young people, ESPECIALLY when those complaints are against family members.
I do believe that victims need to be supported and listened to. If we, as a society, paid more attentions to victims and their treatment, there would likely be less trouble in the world.
Personally, I think that abuse among family members is accepted much more today within law enforcement than it ever has been. However, the social services and the schools seem to not see what is right in front of them sometimes.
But even when abuse is seen the response withing families can leave much to be desired. I'm not so sure that such claims within the family structure have changed all that much over the years.
I know there are mothers and fathers who do hear their children's claims of abuse but there are still many others that don't. Abuse is being reported more than ever before but that doesn't mean that it is being reported and successfully dealt with anywhere near the extent to which it is occurring.
The pressure within families to not rock the boat still is the driving force in most families where abuse occurs. Victims recant their stories because of the pressure applied within their families. Those victims find it easier to keep quiet and take the abuse than deal with the entire family turning against them. We need to find a way to address these issues.
All of these things may be true but they don't change the circumstances of this particular crime and others like it, there is NO excuse for such behavior. Just as casey stated in the comments Many of us have suffered and overcome terrible abuse in our lives...and yet we have not struck out at anyone..not even the perpetrators.
This was a cold blooded killing of 6 innocents...no matter how the press chooses to portray it.
In the dictionary there is a big difference between excuses and reasons.
By definition the noun excuse: a reason (sometimes false) for an action. Examples of excuse:
Failures always come up with a lot of excuses to explain why they can't succeed in life.
By definition the noun reason: cause; basis for action
Notice that there is no such example for reason. The reason behind people's actions, whatever it might be, does not always lead to failure. However, those who function always making excuses for their actions, many times end up as failures.
By definition the verb excuse: to forgive entirely or disregard as of trivial import
When the day comes that we as a society excuse (verb) people for crimes based on excuses (noun) of abuse. we will be in real trouble.The crime that was committed must never lose weight based on any kind of excuse because abuse does not justify murder or more abuse for that matter.
Our jails would be empty if abuse was a valid reason to excuse someone from their behavior. That would not make those people happy or guarantee they would not continue their lawless ways. The world would be pretty chaotic.
Granted the jails are full of angry people and some of those might have taken different roads had they never encountered abuse. However, it was still a conscious choice that they made to break the law. If we are to have any hopes of being a lawful society, people must be accountable for their behavior.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
abuse
If more people were listened to and had someplace to be taken seriously, perhaps there would be less violence. For all the big talk in this country, we really have not made many inroads toward the compassionate acceptance of the complaints of young people, ESPECIALLY when those complaints are against family members.
I do believe that victims need to be supported and listened to. If we, as a society, paid more attentions to victims and their treatment, there would likely be less trouble in the world.
Personally, I think that abuse among family members is accepted much more today within law enforcement than it ever has been. However, the social services and the schools seem to not see what is right in front of them sometimes.
But even when abuse is seen the response withing families can leave much to be desired. I'm not so sure that such claims within the family structure have changed all that much over the years.
I know there are mothers and fathers who do hear their children's claims of abuse but there are still many others that don't. Abuse is being reported more than ever before but that doesn't mean that it is being reported and successfully dealt with anywhere near the extent to which it is occurring.
The pressure within families to not rock the boat still is the driving force in most families where abuse occurs. Victims recant their stories because of the pressure applied within their families. Those victims find it easier to keep quiet and take the abuse than deal with the entire family turning against them. We need to find a way to address these issues.
All of these things may be true but they don't change the circumstances of this particular crime and others like it, there is NO excuse for such behavior. Just as casey stated in the comments Many of us have suffered and overcome terrible abuse in our lives...and yet we have not struck out at anyone..not even the perpetrators.
This was a cold blooded killing of 6 innocents...no matter how the press chooses to portray it.
In the dictionary there is a big difference between excuses and reasons.
By definition the noun excuse: a reason (sometimes false) for an action. Examples of excuse:
Failures always come up with a lot of excuses to explain why they can't succeed in life.
By definition the noun reason: cause; basis for action
Notice that there is no such example for reason. The reason behind people's actions, whatever it might be, does not always lead to failure. However, those who function always making excuses for their actions, many times end up as failures.
By definition the verb excuse: to forgive entirely or disregard as of trivial import
When the day comes that we as a society excuse (verb) people for crimes based on excuses (noun) of abuse. we will be in real trouble.The crime that was committed must never lose weight based on any kind of excuse because abuse does not justify murder or more abuse for that matter.
Our jails would be empty if abuse was a valid reason to excuse someone from their behavior. That would not make those people happy or guarantee they would not continue their lawless ways. The world would be pretty chaotic.
Granted the jails are full of angry people and some of those might have taken different roads had they never encountered abuse. However, it was still a conscious choice that they made to break the law. If we are to have any hopes of being a lawful society, people must be accountable for their behavior.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
abuse
Friday, November 16, 2007
Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns - Part 3
Part 1
After reading my understanding of how satanism can cripple one's conscience, one might think that my position is that all multiples are not responsible for their actions. However, that is not the case. I believe that would be a very slippery slope, not to mention that such thinking would totally subvert the healing process.
Human nature is just not that black and white. The ways that it can be manipulated by others and from within have an influence over how each person is shaped. What separates the responsible from the not responsible is directly related to those details.
I do believe that there are some individuals who have been so traumatized and manipulated early in their lives that their systems are under the control of others and their "free will" has been compromised. Obviously, I believe that those individuals are not responsible for what they have done under the influences of mind control.
On the other hand, I also believe that multiples are like every other segment of the population. There are good ones and there are bad ones. I think it would be misguided to throw all multiples and/or all victims into the same category. Clearly there are victims who turn into offenders and there are victims who would never consider harming another the way that they have been harmed. Multiples as a subgroup of victims would have the same possibilities.The trick is figuring out which is which.
In simple terms it comes down to good and bad again or how about the givers and the takers. We have all experienced "takers" in our lives but we probably have not stopped to think about them collectively.But I think if you examine that group closely you will find a list of behaviors that are indicators of potential abusers.
The "takers" in life are manipulative. They are never responsible for their behavior unless it works for them. They are always victims, at least in their eyes. They supposedly have no control over anything that befalls them. They always have an angle. The list goes on and on.
I think just as there are clues to identify serial killers (the extreme end of the continuum of abuse) there are clues to tell us whether a person (any person, multiple or not) will be a "taker" in life.For me "takers" are those people who are out there "collecting" everything they can get from life and giving nothing back. But "takers" can be confusing, they can be out there with a smile on their face volunteering for this or that, when it's all a front to hide their secrets, so they can look like they are giving.
It was easy to look back at Ted Bundy killing animals as a child and see he was on the path to be a serial killer. That's pretty black and white - he killed and enjoyed it as a child. John Wayne Gacy, on the other hand. was a clown for children. He gave of himself to the community BUT his chosen whiteface always frightened children. The freaky sharp points on the corners of his mouth were a big "no no" in the clown world for just that reason. Yet Gacy chose his trademark whiteface to carry that feature, was that not a clue that something was amiss?
And, yes, those are serial killers but the examples make a point. Sometimes evil is obvious and sometimes it is not but it is no less evil. John Wayne Gacy certainly did as much damage as Ted Bundy so it's important to be able to see and hear the little things that might tell you that someone is a "taker."
So how did I get from are multiples responsible for their behavior to "takers?" Well, for me it comes down to this. I do think that some multiples should be responsible to the law for their behaviors. I think those multiples come from the category of the 'takers."
The "takers" already had their manipulative behaviors spread across their systems before they were ever split. While compartmentalization may have taken place, it was but another way to not be responsible for themselves. Even if they had never split off, those people would have done whatever they could to suck the life out of those around them. These people clearly made their choices in life before they ever split.
I guess the reason this is important to me comes from this. Back when I was in a therapy group for women survivors of sexual abuse, there were a couple of different women who came through that group who turned out to be offenders (one was a multiple). I remember lengthy discussions about victims acting out that made no sense to me.
If a victim fondled a child inappropriately, how could it so easily be chalked up to acting out? How could there be a victim with no offender? And yet that is what excusing a victim's behavior as acting out implied as far as I was concerned. I was a victim but I didn't ever resort to fondling a child. The thought absolutely never crossed my mind. And yet, here we sat in group with victims who were being told that their behavior was understandable, somehow normal. I vehemently disagreed.
Over time, it became clear that these woman were offenders. The agency I was going to had to admit they had been operating under the false assumption that women don't abuse children. Over the years that followed, there were major changes in the way they saw acting out and determined abuse but not without a lot of discussion on the subject and some unfortunate lessons learned.
I will never forget the multiple I met there. I was one of two people she disclosed the sexual abuse of her daughter to while we were on a weekend retreat. Once the secret was out in the open, there were so many things about her that finally made sense. From that experience I have no doubt that she was as culpable for her behavior as any singleton might be. She clearly made her multiplicity work for her in enabling her behavior.
To be continued...........
Part 4
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism
After reading my understanding of how satanism can cripple one's conscience, one might think that my position is that all multiples are not responsible for their actions. However, that is not the case. I believe that would be a very slippery slope, not to mention that such thinking would totally subvert the healing process.
Human nature is just not that black and white. The ways that it can be manipulated by others and from within have an influence over how each person is shaped. What separates the responsible from the not responsible is directly related to those details.
I do believe that there are some individuals who have been so traumatized and manipulated early in their lives that their systems are under the control of others and their "free will" has been compromised. Obviously, I believe that those individuals are not responsible for what they have done under the influences of mind control.
On the other hand, I also believe that multiples are like every other segment of the population. There are good ones and there are bad ones. I think it would be misguided to throw all multiples and/or all victims into the same category. Clearly there are victims who turn into offenders and there are victims who would never consider harming another the way that they have been harmed. Multiples as a subgroup of victims would have the same possibilities.The trick is figuring out which is which.
In simple terms it comes down to good and bad again or how about the givers and the takers. We have all experienced "takers" in our lives but we probably have not stopped to think about them collectively.But I think if you examine that group closely you will find a list of behaviors that are indicators of potential abusers.
The "takers" in life are manipulative. They are never responsible for their behavior unless it works for them. They are always victims, at least in their eyes. They supposedly have no control over anything that befalls them. They always have an angle. The list goes on and on.
I think just as there are clues to identify serial killers (the extreme end of the continuum of abuse) there are clues to tell us whether a person (any person, multiple or not) will be a "taker" in life.For me "takers" are those people who are out there "collecting" everything they can get from life and giving nothing back. But "takers" can be confusing, they can be out there with a smile on their face volunteering for this or that, when it's all a front to hide their secrets, so they can look like they are giving.
It was easy to look back at Ted Bundy killing animals as a child and see he was on the path to be a serial killer. That's pretty black and white - he killed and enjoyed it as a child. John Wayne Gacy, on the other hand. was a clown for children. He gave of himself to the community BUT his chosen whiteface always frightened children. The freaky sharp points on the corners of his mouth were a big "no no" in the clown world for just that reason. Yet Gacy chose his trademark whiteface to carry that feature, was that not a clue that something was amiss?
And, yes, those are serial killers but the examples make a point. Sometimes evil is obvious and sometimes it is not but it is no less evil. John Wayne Gacy certainly did as much damage as Ted Bundy so it's important to be able to see and hear the little things that might tell you that someone is a "taker."
So how did I get from are multiples responsible for their behavior to "takers?" Well, for me it comes down to this. I do think that some multiples should be responsible to the law for their behaviors. I think those multiples come from the category of the 'takers."
The "takers" already had their manipulative behaviors spread across their systems before they were ever split. While compartmentalization may have taken place, it was but another way to not be responsible for themselves. Even if they had never split off, those people would have done whatever they could to suck the life out of those around them. These people clearly made their choices in life before they ever split.
I guess the reason this is important to me comes from this. Back when I was in a therapy group for women survivors of sexual abuse, there were a couple of different women who came through that group who turned out to be offenders (one was a multiple). I remember lengthy discussions about victims acting out that made no sense to me.
If a victim fondled a child inappropriately, how could it so easily be chalked up to acting out? How could there be a victim with no offender? And yet that is what excusing a victim's behavior as acting out implied as far as I was concerned. I was a victim but I didn't ever resort to fondling a child. The thought absolutely never crossed my mind. And yet, here we sat in group with victims who were being told that their behavior was understandable, somehow normal. I vehemently disagreed.
Over time, it became clear that these woman were offenders. The agency I was going to had to admit they had been operating under the false assumption that women don't abuse children. Over the years that followed, there were major changes in the way they saw acting out and determined abuse but not without a lot of discussion on the subject and some unfortunate lessons learned.
I will never forget the multiple I met there. I was one of two people she disclosed the sexual abuse of her daughter to while we were on a weekend retreat. Once the secret was out in the open, there were so many things about her that finally made sense. From that experience I have no doubt that she was as culpable for her behavior as any singleton might be. She clearly made her multiplicity work for her in enabling her behavior.
To be continued...........
Part 4
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Halloween from a Cult Survivor
*This post contains graphic content.
It's a difficult time of year for me with Halloween just around the corner. At this stage in my life I no longer am plagued with flashbacks but I still remember what happened to me. I am uncomfortable about this satanic holiday. With all of the things that I have been through, I don't see Halloween as some fun day for the kids to get dressed up and go around trick-or-treating.
In my childhood memories,Halloween was an evil time. Robed participants practiced vile rituals to appease their superiors and the evil one. There was no amount of torture or abuse that was off limits. Children were nothing more that fodder for the deprivation that occurred.
While I no longer fear being hauled off to participate in this outlandish behavior, I believe that it still happens to this day. I have seen the trail markers. I have talked to victims who are still caught. It would be naive to think this has all just gone away.
This year like every other there will be children who will be raped and tortured, even killed all in the name of Halloween. While the neighborhood kids run from house to house gathering up goodies, those cult children will be fighting for their very existence. Because the general population would rather believe it's a harmless day of fun, they continue to enable the truly evil people in the world to hide their ugliness. I cannot help but think anything else.
For me the hardest part about this holiday now is that my family still chooses to participate in the observance of the commercial Halloween. You would think with the experience they all had living with me as I did therapy and relived this horror, that they would understand. You would think with the amount of chaos there was in our lives during that time, that they would have some kind of picture of the ugliness.
You would think knowing that when I see any thing that reminds me of Halloween, I remember. What do I remember? Any number of scenarios come to mind including being four years old and naked laying on a cold hard slab of an alter with blood gushing from my private parts and vile sub-humans lapping at my body and my blood. You would think that MY family just might understand there is a dark side to Halloween that cannot be denied.
You would think that they just might be concerned about my remembering and the pain that Halloween hold for me . You would think because they love me that they would not want to contribute to my pain by participating in the laughter while I know the unfortunate children suffer and I ache for them.
But they don't think that way at all. Instead they think as long as they don't celebrate right under my nose that it's OK. They think that they can have their fun and it's not causing any harm.They just do no understand that it will never be OK for me. It causes hurt to me that they cannot see and understand the ugliness.
For me Halloween is and will always be a pagan holiday dedicated to the forces of evil and the devil himself. How could anyone every imagine that I could say it any other way. I AM the child that not once, not twice but for five consecutive years laid upon that alter suffering yet another humiliating ritual in observance of Halloween while my little cult friends were raped, tortured and even murdered all around the alter and then presented at my feet. All of these things done in the name of Halloween.
Note: we are having storms with many areas currently without power so I am posting early to get this up for sure. If I'm not back for a while, we could be experiencing power outages.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse ritual+abuse cult survivor incest survivor satanic holdiay ritual murder ritual torture halloween rituals
It's a difficult time of year for me with Halloween just around the corner. At this stage in my life I no longer am plagued with flashbacks but I still remember what happened to me. I am uncomfortable about this satanic holiday. With all of the things that I have been through, I don't see Halloween as some fun day for the kids to get dressed up and go around trick-or-treating.
In my childhood memories,Halloween was an evil time. Robed participants practiced vile rituals to appease their superiors and the evil one. There was no amount of torture or abuse that was off limits. Children were nothing more that fodder for the deprivation that occurred.
While I no longer fear being hauled off to participate in this outlandish behavior, I believe that it still happens to this day. I have seen the trail markers. I have talked to victims who are still caught. It would be naive to think this has all just gone away.
This year like every other there will be children who will be raped and tortured, even killed all in the name of Halloween. While the neighborhood kids run from house to house gathering up goodies, those cult children will be fighting for their very existence. Because the general population would rather believe it's a harmless day of fun, they continue to enable the truly evil people in the world to hide their ugliness. I cannot help but think anything else.
For me the hardest part about this holiday now is that my family still chooses to participate in the observance of the commercial Halloween. You would think with the experience they all had living with me as I did therapy and relived this horror, that they would understand. You would think with the amount of chaos there was in our lives during that time, that they would have some kind of picture of the ugliness.
You would think knowing that when I see any thing that reminds me of Halloween, I remember. What do I remember? Any number of scenarios come to mind including being four years old and naked laying on a cold hard slab of an alter with blood gushing from my private parts and vile sub-humans lapping at my body and my blood. You would think that MY family just might understand there is a dark side to Halloween that cannot be denied.
You would think that they just might be concerned about my remembering and the pain that Halloween hold for me . You would think because they love me that they would not want to contribute to my pain by participating in the laughter while I know the unfortunate children suffer and I ache for them.
But they don't think that way at all. Instead they think as long as they don't celebrate right under my nose that it's OK. They think that they can have their fun and it's not causing any harm.They just do no understand that it will never be OK for me. It causes hurt to me that they cannot see and understand the ugliness.
For me Halloween is and will always be a pagan holiday dedicated to the forces of evil and the devil himself. How could anyone every imagine that I could say it any other way. I AM the child that not once, not twice but for five consecutive years laid upon that alter suffering yet another humiliating ritual in observance of Halloween while my little cult friends were raped, tortured and even murdered all around the alter and then presented at my feet. All of these things done in the name of Halloween.
Note: we are having storms with many areas currently without power so I am posting early to get this up for sure. If I'm not back for a while, we could be experiencing power outages.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse ritual+abuse cult survivor incest survivor satanic holdiay ritual murder ritual torture halloween rituals
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Lunch and a Movie - Part 3
Just a reminder this post is about events that took place in my life over twenty years ago. The reason I am sharing this story is because of how it's affecting me today.
Part 1
So my husband and I were called to come in for a meeting at the counseling center. I was told it was to discuss my treatment. I don't think that my husband knew the specifics of the meeting either but to be truthful, I'm not sure about that. I should ask him.
When we arrived at the center, Dave and I were ushered into a room with the director and an unidentified woman. As the meeting got started she was introduced as a social worker from CPS. As soon as that introduction was done, my entire system knew what this was about. They were going to take my children. The alarm bells went off and chaos broke out.
Despite the internal chaos with a zillion voices screaming and wailing in my head, my therapist personality was able to present as a reasonable representative. No one in the room but me even knew there was an internal mutiny happening. Terms were negotiated to keep my children at home. However, I was never to be left alone with them. But it was all too late, for those inside the message was clear, I was unfit to be a mother.
The details of how my children were supposed to be protected from me are not important to this post. The post is about the lunch date tomorrow and the issues with the parties coming. So what is important is how those issues developed twenty years ago and how much they have affected me.The details of how my inner children and the rest of my system were affected by all of these events are directly related to my current issues with the two women from my former group.
With this latest assault leading to my system believing I was no longer fit to be a mother, I was now guaranteed of a meltdown. There was no way it could be stopped. My therapist personality needed to come up with a plan quickly or I was doing to be dead. It was that simple.
And while all of this was happening, where were those special friends from my support group and the original therapist? That is really the purpose of all this history about being removed from my group. They were nowhere to be found, not for me anyway. The group members were so caught up in their own feelings about the split up of group that they were totally unavailable to me emotionally. I did talk to them a few times but it was no longer the same. The therapist was off limits, through no fault of her own. All three of them were no longer a resource for me to call when I desperately needed help.
Even to this day, the resulting issues have not been addressed.
Every time the subject of what happened back then is brought up, it still goes off into how it affected their lives. From what I can tell, no one seems to be particularly interested in the details of what it did to me. They seem unable to process that it almost killed me.
Before that time I could call any of them on the phone and tell them about anything that was bothering me and they would be supportive. They had wanted to know every detail, something which had been most helpful to my system in trying to process the information. Having ordinary people willing to sit and listen to the most horrendous forms of abuse had been very heeling for me. But now, when I needed it most, they were no longer there.
This interference in group had crossed lines and muddied waters. Before we had each been victims with separate lives, separate stories and separate victimizations. Now we were all victims of the same offense and no longer able to be supportive to each other.
Since then, our relationship has deteriorated to more of a superficial nature for me. I find it hard to invest myself knowing there is this issue that's probably not going away. I understand that removing me from group hurt all of us but I am the one who had to leave. They still all had each other. I just want them to understand, it not only cost me them, it nearly cost me my life.
And I want them to understand that they're being so caught up in their own pain and unable to deal with mine added to my jeopardy. For the first time in our relationships, they were responsible for part of the pain I was suffering. Many of my personalities who were attached to them were absolutely devastated. The loss and abandonment by my friends were the biggest trigger of all that nearly cost me my life.
I know they have no idea. We cannot talk about it long enough to get to that information because it immediately turns from how I felt to how they felt. They can't even say they are or were ever sorry for what I went through once the group was split up. My guess is they have not healed from their pain over that time. And, as you can see, I have not healed from mine.
While I managed to save my life by working through all of the issues caused by my ritualistic abuse. I have not been able to put the wounds from being abandoned by my friends behind me.
These were my very first REAL friends. Friends who cared about how I was feeling. Friends who didn't want to just hear the easy stuff, they had wanted to hear it all. Anything that would help me heal, they wanted to hear. That was until it triggered their pain. Then they ran from me fast and furiously, just as the others in my life have done. So where do I go from here?
to be continued.......
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse ritual+abuse cult survivor incest survivor
Part 1
So my husband and I were called to come in for a meeting at the counseling center. I was told it was to discuss my treatment. I don't think that my husband knew the specifics of the meeting either but to be truthful, I'm not sure about that. I should ask him.
When we arrived at the center, Dave and I were ushered into a room with the director and an unidentified woman. As the meeting got started she was introduced as a social worker from CPS. As soon as that introduction was done, my entire system knew what this was about. They were going to take my children. The alarm bells went off and chaos broke out.
Despite the internal chaos with a zillion voices screaming and wailing in my head, my therapist personality was able to present as a reasonable representative. No one in the room but me even knew there was an internal mutiny happening. Terms were negotiated to keep my children at home. However, I was never to be left alone with them. But it was all too late, for those inside the message was clear, I was unfit to be a mother.
The details of how my children were supposed to be protected from me are not important to this post. The post is about the lunch date tomorrow and the issues with the parties coming. So what is important is how those issues developed twenty years ago and how much they have affected me.The details of how my inner children and the rest of my system were affected by all of these events are directly related to my current issues with the two women from my former group.
With this latest assault leading to my system believing I was no longer fit to be a mother, I was now guaranteed of a meltdown. There was no way it could be stopped. My therapist personality needed to come up with a plan quickly or I was doing to be dead. It was that simple.
And while all of this was happening, where were those special friends from my support group and the original therapist? That is really the purpose of all this history about being removed from my group. They were nowhere to be found, not for me anyway. The group members were so caught up in their own feelings about the split up of group that they were totally unavailable to me emotionally. I did talk to them a few times but it was no longer the same. The therapist was off limits, through no fault of her own. All three of them were no longer a resource for me to call when I desperately needed help.
Even to this day, the resulting issues have not been addressed.
Every time the subject of what happened back then is brought up, it still goes off into how it affected their lives. From what I can tell, no one seems to be particularly interested in the details of what it did to me. They seem unable to process that it almost killed me.
Before that time I could call any of them on the phone and tell them about anything that was bothering me and they would be supportive. They had wanted to know every detail, something which had been most helpful to my system in trying to process the information. Having ordinary people willing to sit and listen to the most horrendous forms of abuse had been very heeling for me. But now, when I needed it most, they were no longer there.
This interference in group had crossed lines and muddied waters. Before we had each been victims with separate lives, separate stories and separate victimizations. Now we were all victims of the same offense and no longer able to be supportive to each other.
Since then, our relationship has deteriorated to more of a superficial nature for me. I find it hard to invest myself knowing there is this issue that's probably not going away. I understand that removing me from group hurt all of us but I am the one who had to leave. They still all had each other. I just want them to understand, it not only cost me them, it nearly cost me my life.
And I want them to understand that they're being so caught up in their own pain and unable to deal with mine added to my jeopardy. For the first time in our relationships, they were responsible for part of the pain I was suffering. Many of my personalities who were attached to them were absolutely devastated. The loss and abandonment by my friends were the biggest trigger of all that nearly cost me my life.
I know they have no idea. We cannot talk about it long enough to get to that information because it immediately turns from how I felt to how they felt. They can't even say they are or were ever sorry for what I went through once the group was split up. My guess is they have not healed from their pain over that time. And, as you can see, I have not healed from mine.
While I managed to save my life by working through all of the issues caused by my ritualistic abuse. I have not been able to put the wounds from being abandoned by my friends behind me.
These were my very first REAL friends. Friends who cared about how I was feeling. Friends who didn't want to just hear the easy stuff, they had wanted to hear it all. Anything that would help me heal, they wanted to hear. That was until it triggered their pain. Then they ran from me fast and furiously, just as the others in my life have done. So where do I go from here?
to be continued.......
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse ritual+abuse cult survivor incest survivor
Friday, October 5, 2007
Lunch and a Movie - Part 2
Part 1
A big part of my programming during my ritualistic abuse had included a strong self destruct message so that I would NEVER tell. That message was enhanced by the fact my feelings were attached to the pain of the physical torture that had generated those feeling so long ago.
In plainer English, not just with any memory that surfaced did I feel the psychological feelings. I also relived the physical pain of that torture as well. In addition any time at all that I felt that feeling, I would feel it with the same intensity and I relived the physical pain of the torture as well.
No wonder I did everything I could my entire life NOT to SCREW UP! If I made a mistake, I relived all of the feelings of the physical and psychological torture, just without the memories that originally caused them.
Until I was well into the therapy process, I had no idea that this was NOT what other people's feelings were like. Feeling any kind of negative emotion was so debilitating that I dared not be in a position that would cause such a feeling. It was no wonder that before therapy I had my feelings stuffed down so far, I felt absolutely nothing except the overwhelming darkness of the pit of depression.
These booby traps made it imperative to my survival to keep my system balanced. It was equally important that the memories came only as fast as we could handle them in a controlled manner. That way those feelings could be diffused. The time bomb could be disarmed and my system could process and heal before I went on to the next memory.
To allow the memories to stack up would mean I would experience multiple tortures all at the same time. Each personality in the system would feel several tortures of other personalities at the same time as their own.
The system had been created because the pain was too overwhelming to survive. The walls had been formed to keep the torture boxed off into manageable portions. And yet now, those walls were crumbling before they were ready to come down. Many personalities were dying. The result was beyond excruciating pain. The pain seemed to increase exponentially.
With my support system jerked away from me and my therapist personality no longer able to control the order and timing of memories surfacing, she struggled to find a way to regain control. She totally understood the importance for our system to process the memories and flashbacks in an orderly manner and to have help whenever we might need it. Every minute of every day was going into finding a way to keep personalities calm and keep the memories and flashbacks at bay.
To further complicate matters, I was now triggering off absolutely everything. Before this time, I didn't usually trigger off of things away from therapy or group. Now, with my system spinning out of control, the slightest thing could trigger a memory, throwing the affected personalities to the forefront. Their memories would try to spill over without proper supervision or the protections in place that had kept us safe from that self destruct order.
The more panicked times that happened, the more frightened our internals parts became. The situation was escalating with triggers bouncing off of triggers, each memory or personality feeding off the other. It would have been a vicious downward spiral with little chance of getting it stopped.
My therapy personality firmly grasped the dilemma she was facing. She did her best to get help whenever there was the slightest ripple in the memory shield that was holding back all of this turmoil. Realizing she couldn't stop the inevitable,she also set about developing a plan to keep me protected as this spiral began.
In the middle of all of this chaos, the director of the agency did yet another thing to ensure that my system would tip out of control. I don't know that she realized she was causing huge problems for me, but she was. If ever there was a guaranteed trigger to sell destruct, she had found it.
My therapist personality had made a call to the director during an episode where a violent personality was trying to emerge. The phone call was helpful to us and everything was easily controlled. However, the director decided my children(my biological children) were in danger. So she called Child Protective Services and filed a report against me.
First, I want to say, at no point were my children ever in danger. Not that I didn't have personalities who felt the need to hurt them, because I did. But those personalities were out of control internally. They were NEVER allowed to take over the body. They were allowed to take over the voice when it was necessary to our healing. But their access to the body was always contained to safe forms of anger expression that were part of the healing process. Otherwise, those personalities were totally contained.
My therapist personality knew to call a real therapist to help deal with the memories that had these violent personalities attached. If she was unable to get a therapist directly, she still was able to keep the lid on or remove me from the situation so that order could be maintained. Even in the depths of the spiral, my two young children were always safe.
However, my biggest fear had always been that my children would be taken away from me. That would be the final proof that I did not deserve to live. The final nail in the coffin that proved I was not fit to be a human being, let alone a mother. If there was anything that would insure I killed myself, it was to take my children away from me.
To be continued............
Part 3
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse ritual+abuse cult survivor incest survivor
A big part of my programming during my ritualistic abuse had included a strong self destruct message so that I would NEVER tell. That message was enhanced by the fact my feelings were attached to the pain of the physical torture that had generated those feeling so long ago.
In plainer English, not just with any memory that surfaced did I feel the psychological feelings. I also relived the physical pain of that torture as well. In addition any time at all that I felt that feeling, I would feel it with the same intensity and I relived the physical pain of the torture as well.
No wonder I did everything I could my entire life NOT to SCREW UP! If I made a mistake, I relived all of the feelings of the physical and psychological torture, just without the memories that originally caused them.
Until I was well into the therapy process, I had no idea that this was NOT what other people's feelings were like. Feeling any kind of negative emotion was so debilitating that I dared not be in a position that would cause such a feeling. It was no wonder that before therapy I had my feelings stuffed down so far, I felt absolutely nothing except the overwhelming darkness of the pit of depression.
These booby traps made it imperative to my survival to keep my system balanced. It was equally important that the memories came only as fast as we could handle them in a controlled manner. That way those feelings could be diffused. The time bomb could be disarmed and my system could process and heal before I went on to the next memory.
To allow the memories to stack up would mean I would experience multiple tortures all at the same time. Each personality in the system would feel several tortures of other personalities at the same time as their own.
The system had been created because the pain was too overwhelming to survive. The walls had been formed to keep the torture boxed off into manageable portions. And yet now, those walls were crumbling before they were ready to come down. Many personalities were dying. The result was beyond excruciating pain. The pain seemed to increase exponentially.
With my support system jerked away from me and my therapist personality no longer able to control the order and timing of memories surfacing, she struggled to find a way to regain control. She totally understood the importance for our system to process the memories and flashbacks in an orderly manner and to have help whenever we might need it. Every minute of every day was going into finding a way to keep personalities calm and keep the memories and flashbacks at bay.
To further complicate matters, I was now triggering off absolutely everything. Before this time, I didn't usually trigger off of things away from therapy or group. Now, with my system spinning out of control, the slightest thing could trigger a memory, throwing the affected personalities to the forefront. Their memories would try to spill over without proper supervision or the protections in place that had kept us safe from that self destruct order.
The more panicked times that happened, the more frightened our internals parts became. The situation was escalating with triggers bouncing off of triggers, each memory or personality feeding off the other. It would have been a vicious downward spiral with little chance of getting it stopped.
My therapy personality firmly grasped the dilemma she was facing. She did her best to get help whenever there was the slightest ripple in the memory shield that was holding back all of this turmoil. Realizing she couldn't stop the inevitable,she also set about developing a plan to keep me protected as this spiral began.
In the middle of all of this chaos, the director of the agency did yet another thing to ensure that my system would tip out of control. I don't know that she realized she was causing huge problems for me, but she was. If ever there was a guaranteed trigger to sell destruct, she had found it.
My therapist personality had made a call to the director during an episode where a violent personality was trying to emerge. The phone call was helpful to us and everything was easily controlled. However, the director decided my children(my biological children) were in danger. So she called Child Protective Services and filed a report against me.
First, I want to say, at no point were my children ever in danger. Not that I didn't have personalities who felt the need to hurt them, because I did. But those personalities were out of control internally. They were NEVER allowed to take over the body. They were allowed to take over the voice when it was necessary to our healing. But their access to the body was always contained to safe forms of anger expression that were part of the healing process. Otherwise, those personalities were totally contained.
My therapist personality knew to call a real therapist to help deal with the memories that had these violent personalities attached. If she was unable to get a therapist directly, she still was able to keep the lid on or remove me from the situation so that order could be maintained. Even in the depths of the spiral, my two young children were always safe.
However, my biggest fear had always been that my children would be taken away from me. That would be the final proof that I did not deserve to live. The final nail in the coffin that proved I was not fit to be a human being, let alone a mother. If there was anything that would insure I killed myself, it was to take my children away from me.
To be continued............
Part 3
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse ritual+abuse cult survivor incest survivor
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Lunch and a Movie
Saturday, I'm supposed to go to lunch and to a movie with two of the women who were in the survivor's of childhood sexual abuse group that I was in so many years ago. Also, on the card to go with us is our former therapist. This will be the second time we have gotten together for a reunion. We had dinner once last year.
As much as I'm looking forward to seeing all three of them, it's awkward as well. The therapy didn't end on a good note and I almost ended up dead. It wasn't any of these three people's fault. But I still feel like I was abandoned by them as well.
To give you a chance to understand a bit better what the issues are here, it's probably best if I start at the beginning and explain what happened.
After having been in group with these people for nearly three years, out of the blue, during a group session, we were all informed that I was being removed from the group. The director had decided that this agency was no longer going to treat cult or ritualistic abuse survivors in the same group as their (what?? normal) survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
How the distinction was made between me and them, I haven't a clue. But it was. My support system was pulled right out from underneath me. And then in almost an equal blink of an eye, my therapist was removed as well. My treatment was taken over by the director of the agency. I had no input. Well, I could go somewhere else but if I stayed there, I was required to change therapists, no if's, and's or but's.
My system at the time was functioning with an internal therapist. She figured out what the "rules" for good mental health were and helped everyone inside to understand these new rules as they emerged. It was her job to keep my system in balance. She understood all of the issues like who was at fault and recognizing abuse etc. She also was responsible for knowing when we needed help and getting it. She managed the flashbacks, recognized new alters and identified what they needed and decided when they could come forward and do their work.
She had a plan. Even though she didn't know the secrets before they were exposed, she could recognize the layers. She was peeling the onion one layer at a time. Everything to the outside of the onion was the easy stuff. As each layer went deeper, the issues and memories got more complicated. With the final layer being the key that kept me trapped by my programming.
Everyone inside respected and trusted this inner therapist. They listened to her until we was removed from group. Because the rules of good mental health seemed to be that people were most important over everything else, this decision made no sense to us or our inner therapist. How could a counseling agency make a business decision that was not good for a patient and it was still OK?
Of course, the director insisted that the two were not related. My therapist personality to this day still believes that that just doesn't make any sense. She believes it is against how therapists are trained to divorce a patient's needs from business decisions. The end result of this conflict was the parts who had not come forth and some of the newly exposed ones, got frightened, lost their faith in our therapist personality and while they still tried to listen to her found themselves unable to follow her direction.The end result is my system spun out of control.
To be continued............
Part 2
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did therapist misconduct
As much as I'm looking forward to seeing all three of them, it's awkward as well. The therapy didn't end on a good note and I almost ended up dead. It wasn't any of these three people's fault. But I still feel like I was abandoned by them as well.
To give you a chance to understand a bit better what the issues are here, it's probably best if I start at the beginning and explain what happened.
After having been in group with these people for nearly three years, out of the blue, during a group session, we were all informed that I was being removed from the group. The director had decided that this agency was no longer going to treat cult or ritualistic abuse survivors in the same group as their (what?? normal) survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
How the distinction was made between me and them, I haven't a clue. But it was. My support system was pulled right out from underneath me. And then in almost an equal blink of an eye, my therapist was removed as well. My treatment was taken over by the director of the agency. I had no input. Well, I could go somewhere else but if I stayed there, I was required to change therapists, no if's, and's or but's.
My system at the time was functioning with an internal therapist. She figured out what the "rules" for good mental health were and helped everyone inside to understand these new rules as they emerged. It was her job to keep my system in balance. She understood all of the issues like who was at fault and recognizing abuse etc. She also was responsible for knowing when we needed help and getting it. She managed the flashbacks, recognized new alters and identified what they needed and decided when they could come forward and do their work.
She had a plan. Even though she didn't know the secrets before they were exposed, she could recognize the layers. She was peeling the onion one layer at a time. Everything to the outside of the onion was the easy stuff. As each layer went deeper, the issues and memories got more complicated. With the final layer being the key that kept me trapped by my programming.
Everyone inside respected and trusted this inner therapist. They listened to her until we was removed from group. Because the rules of good mental health seemed to be that people were most important over everything else, this decision made no sense to us or our inner therapist. How could a counseling agency make a business decision that was not good for a patient and it was still OK?
Of course, the director insisted that the two were not related. My therapist personality to this day still believes that that just doesn't make any sense. She believes it is against how therapists are trained to divorce a patient's needs from business decisions. The end result of this conflict was the parts who had not come forth and some of the newly exposed ones, got frightened, lost their faith in our therapist personality and while they still tried to listen to her found themselves unable to follow her direction.The end result is my system spun out of control.
To be continued............
Part 2
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did therapist misconduct
Monday, September 24, 2007
Self Abuse
Self abuse is one of the things that I have been an expert in my early years. I've come to understand that I was my own worst enemy most of that time. I was very good at setting myself up for an assortment of problems.
There are lots of ways to abuse oneself besides the obvious one of cutting. I don't know if my generation engaged in cutting but I know that my children's generation did and so have the preceding ones. My generation had lots of other ways to dish out the self punishment.
Rebelling against society, many of the baby boomers became flower children, did some really nasty drugs like LSD that fried their brains forever. They lived in communes where they were preyed on by any and all offenders. The very structure of the commune lifestyle, denying oneself, set women, children and the weak up to be victims. To protest any behavior was to "not be cool." and the unfortunate flower children were all about cool. It's no wonder that the likes of Charles Manson was able to manipulate some hippies to do his bidding. The lifestyle was anything but conducive to good mental health.
I was fortunate enough to not be drawn to the hippie lifestyle. My guess is with what I know about my programming now, that it was too far from my indoctrinated sense of "normal." Since I needed to be normal to survive and hippies were anything but normal, I stuck with the mainstream.
But there were lots of ways in mainstream America to abuse myself. I began smoking at the age of ten or eleven. I even wrote notes for all of the kids in the neighborhood to buy cigarettes. While I no longer smoke, my body has paid a price for the time that I did. If I could go back and do those days over, a cigarette would never have crossed my lips. The damage to my lungs interferes with my life even today.
Alcohol was another thing that I did pretty well. While I didn't indulge until I was out of high school, I pretty much drank like a fish. I could hold more liquor than any of my friends. Actually you could probably add up what they all drank together and be close to my consumption.
Under it's influence I had some really bad experiences with men, bad experiences as I was raped several times. In those days they didn't talk about date rape. It was pretty much taken for granted if you knew the person you had asked for it.
I bought that premise easily after all I had no respect for myself so why shouldn't I believe that I was a slut too even though sex was something I would just as soon stayed away from. It was pretty clear to me that it was just another way to be humiliated.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder
did self abuse
There are lots of ways to abuse oneself besides the obvious one of cutting. I don't know if my generation engaged in cutting but I know that my children's generation did and so have the preceding ones. My generation had lots of other ways to dish out the self punishment.
Rebelling against society, many of the baby boomers became flower children, did some really nasty drugs like LSD that fried their brains forever. They lived in communes where they were preyed on by any and all offenders. The very structure of the commune lifestyle, denying oneself, set women, children and the weak up to be victims. To protest any behavior was to "not be cool." and the unfortunate flower children were all about cool. It's no wonder that the likes of Charles Manson was able to manipulate some hippies to do his bidding. The lifestyle was anything but conducive to good mental health.
I was fortunate enough to not be drawn to the hippie lifestyle. My guess is with what I know about my programming now, that it was too far from my indoctrinated sense of "normal." Since I needed to be normal to survive and hippies were anything but normal, I stuck with the mainstream.
But there were lots of ways in mainstream America to abuse myself. I began smoking at the age of ten or eleven. I even wrote notes for all of the kids in the neighborhood to buy cigarettes. While I no longer smoke, my body has paid a price for the time that I did. If I could go back and do those days over, a cigarette would never have crossed my lips. The damage to my lungs interferes with my life even today.
Alcohol was another thing that I did pretty well. While I didn't indulge until I was out of high school, I pretty much drank like a fish. I could hold more liquor than any of my friends. Actually you could probably add up what they all drank together and be close to my consumption.
Under it's influence I had some really bad experiences with men, bad experiences as I was raped several times. In those days they didn't talk about date rape. It was pretty much taken for granted if you knew the person you had asked for it.
I bought that premise easily after all I had no respect for myself so why shouldn't I believe that I was a slut too even though sex was something I would just as soon stayed away from. It was pretty clear to me that it was just another way to be humiliated.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder
did self abuse
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Trapped in the Lair of an Abusive Man
No one understands the hold that an abusive relationship can hold over one, anymore than I. Having been married three times with the first two both being toxic, abusive relationships, I really get what kept me there.
Part of it was my own insecurity. Most of my life I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. Even as a child, I didn't feel like I was wanted or fit in at all. There are so many instances in my life that I can recall doing desperate things just to have someone want me.
So when I did finally have a relationship, I wanted and needed so much for it to last that I tolerated things most people would never put up with. I told myself that they happened because of me. Or worse, I deceived myself into thinking that there was not a problem.
All three of my husbands have been sweet, kind, attentive guys when it worked for them. They reeled me in with the lure of caring for me, when they really only wanted me to take care of them.
Now, the present husband has a different woman to deal with than the first two, so I won't dwell on him. We work things out. Sometimes it takes time and isn't easy but we get there. To me, that is what counts.
But the first two men, they had an insecure, unloved, needy woman on their hands. I was so deprived that it didn't take much for me to think I was getting something grand. When in actuality, I was getting the crumbs falling off the table.
Both men were controlling and suffocating and totally oblivious to my needs. However both men could really turn on the charm if needed. Somehow they could sense when I had reached my limits. They knew enough to walk on eggshells and turn on the charm again. They would act like the man who courted me. Only to turn back into the ugly one I lived with when they thought the coast was clear.
The sad thing is I thought the kind, sweet. charming guy I feel in love with really existed. But nothing could be farther from the truth. The real person was the controlling manipulative one and the kind, sweet and charming guy was nothing but another manipulation. Coming to that realization was very painful but it also helped to set me free from the trap each had laid.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did abuse
Part of it was my own insecurity. Most of my life I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. Even as a child, I didn't feel like I was wanted or fit in at all. There are so many instances in my life that I can recall doing desperate things just to have someone want me.
So when I did finally have a relationship, I wanted and needed so much for it to last that I tolerated things most people would never put up with. I told myself that they happened because of me. Or worse, I deceived myself into thinking that there was not a problem.
All three of my husbands have been sweet, kind, attentive guys when it worked for them. They reeled me in with the lure of caring for me, when they really only wanted me to take care of them.
Now, the present husband has a different woman to deal with than the first two, so I won't dwell on him. We work things out. Sometimes it takes time and isn't easy but we get there. To me, that is what counts.
But the first two men, they had an insecure, unloved, needy woman on their hands. I was so deprived that it didn't take much for me to think I was getting something grand. When in actuality, I was getting the crumbs falling off the table.
Both men were controlling and suffocating and totally oblivious to my needs. However both men could really turn on the charm if needed. Somehow they could sense when I had reached my limits. They knew enough to walk on eggshells and turn on the charm again. They would act like the man who courted me. Only to turn back into the ugly one I lived with when they thought the coast was clear.
The sad thing is I thought the kind, sweet. charming guy I feel in love with really existed. But nothing could be farther from the truth. The real person was the controlling manipulative one and the kind, sweet and charming guy was nothing but another manipulation. Coming to that realization was very painful but it also helped to set me free from the trap each had laid.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did abuse
Friday, September 14, 2007
More on Liberation - More than Just a Word - A Lifestyle Change
As I think about my last post, the thought occurs to me that some might think I would do absolutely anything to keep my horses. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Even though I love horses and want them in my life, I would never sacrifice my mental health or my safety for them.
My husband, Dave, who is quite the raving co-dependant, would be the first to tell you that I do not tolerate his issues. I am calling him on his manipulative behavior all the time. I refuse to get sucked into his games. He knows I would leave him in a heartbeat if my serenity was at risk from living with him. Even if it meant I must give up all of my horses, I would be out of here. I will never go back to that deep dark pit of depression that was once the mainstay of my life. The joy of owning and loving horses could easily be sucked dry by the throws of depression.
Granted walking off and leaving all of my horses would be a difficult thing to do. But I know ful well that the well being of my horses depends on my well being. If I am caught in that black hole there is no way I can care for them porperly. First and foremost, I must take proper care of myself if I am ever to take proper care of anyone or anything else.
I have found through my experiences that conctrolling, abusive people are experts at taking what you love and using it against you. They know that your sense of responsibility and commitment are powerful ways to keep you trapped. What better way to keep a victim under their thumb but to provide them with what they want most in life, only to jerk it around and use it like a weapon to keep you under their thumb.
When a victim departs from an abusive relationship, particularly when it comes to animals, it is easy to see what the problems for those animals might be if they were left behind . However, the offenders involved in such scenarios have been using those animals for years to sucker people in and control them. You can bet the animals are a necessary part of the trap laid by such an individual and the situation will be managed.
Even if the victim is convinced that something bad will happen to animals left behind there are ways to deal with that and still be free. No victim should stay in an abusive relationship because they fear for the safety or care of animals they have grown to love. Again, I will repeat, you must take proper care of yourself it you are ever to take proper care of anyone or anything else.
I know if I were to leave this relationship that I am in and all of my horses, ii would only be a matter of time before I would have horses again. I will never let myself be controlled because of my love for them. I know to do so is self-destructive and I no longer wish to participate in that kind of behavior. I would willingly walk away knowing that doing so would be what guaranteed that I could love and enjoy horses instead of being a slave to a manipulative, controlling offender who uses horses as a weapon against me.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did abuse
liberation
My husband, Dave, who is quite the raving co-dependant, would be the first to tell you that I do not tolerate his issues. I am calling him on his manipulative behavior all the time. I refuse to get sucked into his games. He knows I would leave him in a heartbeat if my serenity was at risk from living with him. Even if it meant I must give up all of my horses, I would be out of here. I will never go back to that deep dark pit of depression that was once the mainstay of my life. The joy of owning and loving horses could easily be sucked dry by the throws of depression.
Granted walking off and leaving all of my horses would be a difficult thing to do. But I know ful well that the well being of my horses depends on my well being. If I am caught in that black hole there is no way I can care for them porperly. First and foremost, I must take proper care of myself if I am ever to take proper care of anyone or anything else.
I have found through my experiences that conctrolling, abusive people are experts at taking what you love and using it against you. They know that your sense of responsibility and commitment are powerful ways to keep you trapped. What better way to keep a victim under their thumb but to provide them with what they want most in life, only to jerk it around and use it like a weapon to keep you under their thumb.
When a victim departs from an abusive relationship, particularly when it comes to animals, it is easy to see what the problems for those animals might be if they were left behind . However, the offenders involved in such scenarios have been using those animals for years to sucker people in and control them. You can bet the animals are a necessary part of the trap laid by such an individual and the situation will be managed.
Even if the victim is convinced that something bad will happen to animals left behind there are ways to deal with that and still be free. No victim should stay in an abusive relationship because they fear for the safety or care of animals they have grown to love. Again, I will repeat, you must take proper care of yourself it you are ever to take proper care of anyone or anything else.
I know if I were to leave this relationship that I am in and all of my horses, ii would only be a matter of time before I would have horses again. I will never let myself be controlled because of my love for them. I know to do so is self-destructive and I no longer wish to participate in that kind of behavior. I would willingly walk away knowing that doing so would be what guaranteed that I could love and enjoy horses instead of being a slave to a manipulative, controlling offender who uses horses as a weapon against me.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did abuse
liberation
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Liberation More than Just a Word - A Lifestyle Change
I was reminded in the comments yesterday that I have liberated myself. I guess when I think of the word, liberation, I automatically think of women's liberation. I don't really think of it in regards to my life. But since the term was used in regards to me, I've begun to think of how the word applies to me.
After yesterday's post where I addressed pathological jealousy and how abusive and destructive it can be, I could probably write at least a hundred more posts of the different aspects of abuse that I have lived with and subsequently learned to tolerate in my life.
Therapy was the means by which I learned to identify the things that set me up to be a victim to all of those abusive behaviors. Once I learned to stop the behaviors that made me vulnerable, I was indeed liberated from the continual abuse that was a mainstay in my life.
The most obvious thing I can remember about the process was learning that I was not helpless. I had been so bullied into "you can't" that I believed it. I felt trapped, cornered, stuck, however you want to phrase it. I could see no way out, even though there were ways to get free. I was convinced that I had no choices. That is what made me a victim on into my adult life.....being unable to see I had choices.
Sure, many of the choices available to me were difficult and some were downright unpleasant but they were still choices. Once I learned to seek out the choices available to me, I was finally able to find my way to my liberation from a lifetime of victimization.
I hear all the time from people I care about, "I can't." I know it probably drives them crazy when I remind them that they can, followed by a string of choices that they have. Usually, their comeback will be a list of why they couldn't possibly chose any of those things. So I remind them it's not that they "can't", it's that they "won't."
Being able to see that their refusal to do something is still a choice can empower someone from that feeling of helplessness to actually having a sense of control over one's own life. I know it was for me. I learned that life didn't have to be something that happened to me but something I lived!
On my other blog, people are always commenting about how things happen to me, dramatic things. I laugh because I know the reason that so much happens to me is directly related to the risks I take. That is NOT a bad thing! What it means is that I'm living my life to the fullest instead of hiding away terrified of what the next day will bring. I am not afraid to try something because it might not work or may be difficult. On the contrary, I embrace the challenge because that is what makes me strong!
Sure stuff happens from time to time because that is part of life. Statistics tell the more often you drive, the more likely you are to be in an accident. Well, the same is true of life. The more passionately you live it, the odds are sooner or later stuff is gonna happen along the way. You'll never fall off of a mountain if you never learn to climb! BUT you'll never feel the exhiliration that comes from conquering one of Mother Nature's greatest challenges if you don't try.
Those people, including me, who live life to the fullest would never give up the joy that life brings because of the fear something bad might happen. For example, I know that I'm probably going to outlive most of my horses and that my heart will break over the loss of each and every one of them. The only way to protect my heart would be to give them up. That is something I just will not do. Living my dream cannot be dampered by the fear of their loss someday. The pursuit of this dream is what makes my life worth living and that IS my liberation.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did abuse
liberation
After yesterday's post where I addressed pathological jealousy and how abusive and destructive it can be, I could probably write at least a hundred more posts of the different aspects of abuse that I have lived with and subsequently learned to tolerate in my life.
Therapy was the means by which I learned to identify the things that set me up to be a victim to all of those abusive behaviors. Once I learned to stop the behaviors that made me vulnerable, I was indeed liberated from the continual abuse that was a mainstay in my life.
The most obvious thing I can remember about the process was learning that I was not helpless. I had been so bullied into "you can't" that I believed it. I felt trapped, cornered, stuck, however you want to phrase it. I could see no way out, even though there were ways to get free. I was convinced that I had no choices. That is what made me a victim on into my adult life.....being unable to see I had choices.
Sure, many of the choices available to me were difficult and some were downright unpleasant but they were still choices. Once I learned to seek out the choices available to me, I was finally able to find my way to my liberation from a lifetime of victimization.
I hear all the time from people I care about, "I can't." I know it probably drives them crazy when I remind them that they can, followed by a string of choices that they have. Usually, their comeback will be a list of why they couldn't possibly chose any of those things. So I remind them it's not that they "can't", it's that they "won't."
Being able to see that their refusal to do something is still a choice can empower someone from that feeling of helplessness to actually having a sense of control over one's own life. I know it was for me. I learned that life didn't have to be something that happened to me but something I lived!
On my other blog, people are always commenting about how things happen to me, dramatic things. I laugh because I know the reason that so much happens to me is directly related to the risks I take. That is NOT a bad thing! What it means is that I'm living my life to the fullest instead of hiding away terrified of what the next day will bring. I am not afraid to try something because it might not work or may be difficult. On the contrary, I embrace the challenge because that is what makes me strong!
Sure stuff happens from time to time because that is part of life. Statistics tell the more often you drive, the more likely you are to be in an accident. Well, the same is true of life. The more passionately you live it, the odds are sooner or later stuff is gonna happen along the way. You'll never fall off of a mountain if you never learn to climb! BUT you'll never feel the exhiliration that comes from conquering one of Mother Nature's greatest challenges if you don't try.
Those people, including me, who live life to the fullest would never give up the joy that life brings because of the fear something bad might happen. For example, I know that I'm probably going to outlive most of my horses and that my heart will break over the loss of each and every one of them. The only way to protect my heart would be to give them up. That is something I just will not do. Living my dream cannot be dampered by the fear of their loss someday. The pursuit of this dream is what makes my life worth living and that IS my liberation.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did abuse
liberation
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Abuse Can Be Difficult to Identify - Excessive Jealousy!
One of the things I found out when I was in therapy was that I really didn't know what abuse was. I was so used to being abused that I thought it was normal. It comes in so many different sizes and shapes. It can be subtle or dramatic but mostly it came in my comfort zone. Anything that made me feel bad about myself was what I knew best.
A good example of this was my first husband. He had a disability and didn't work most of the time. He was insanely jealous and I do mean insanely. He would monitor my phone calls, follow me to and from work. Accuse me of all sorts of things with men I might talk to in the process of doing my job. He was unrelenting.
His constant accusations had me so off balance I didn't even realize that they were a form of abuse. It was his way of beating down my self esteem and making sure that I would wait on him hand and foot trying to redeem myself in his eyes when I had really done nothing wrong.
It seemed like the harder I tried to please him the more he accused me of being unfaithful. I could do nothing right. It was a vicious cycle. I found myself believing that somehow I must deserve this treatment.
And worse, I found myself berating myself for doing something that set him off, even though it might be something perfectly innocent. I was so used to walking on eggshells and trying to keep things pleasant, that I took total responsibility for him going out of control. I didn't see it was his problem.
I was unable to see that this treatment was abuse and that he was trying to control my every move. All this time, I told myself he loved me but the truth is he didn't love me at all. The only value I had to him lay in what I could do for him and how I could take care of him.
It was so hard to accept that he didn't care for me at all, only for himself. To me, it was like admitting that I wasn't worth loving. It was so hard to see that it really was him and not me that I didn't somehow make him this way. It was who he was!
I thought because he had a disability I should make allowances for him, I guess. Or maybe, I thought I should be able to be more understanding. What I know for sure, is I thought it was my fault.
As long as I believed that I was somehow responsible for his behavior, then I couldn't protect myself from him. I was stuck in a downward spiral. The only thing that saved me was when I finally confided to someone and they identified the behavior as abuse. I just had been unable to see it myself.
Even then it was hard to leave this relationship. By the time I understood I was being abused, I was so beaten down that I didn't believe I could survive without him. And when I did leave him, he stalked me. I thought I was never going to get away from that man.
After an experience like that, you would think that I would be good a spotting people llike him, but the truth is I still fall into bad situations with people like that occasionally. When I say "people like that" I mean users. Those who prey on other people to make themselves feel better.
I want to give people the benefit of the doubt and give them room to make mistakes because we all do. So sometimes, I give someone a chance who isn't worth the chance. The only difference now is I don't stay stuck in that relationship. It doesn't take long and I get that awkward little feeling in the pit of my stomach and I know. Once I know, I'm gone. Life is too short to waste it on the takers of the world. AND more importantly, I now know, I am a good person and I deserve better than that.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did abuse
A good example of this was my first husband. He had a disability and didn't work most of the time. He was insanely jealous and I do mean insanely. He would monitor my phone calls, follow me to and from work. Accuse me of all sorts of things with men I might talk to in the process of doing my job. He was unrelenting.
His constant accusations had me so off balance I didn't even realize that they were a form of abuse. It was his way of beating down my self esteem and making sure that I would wait on him hand and foot trying to redeem myself in his eyes when I had really done nothing wrong.
It seemed like the harder I tried to please him the more he accused me of being unfaithful. I could do nothing right. It was a vicious cycle. I found myself believing that somehow I must deserve this treatment.
And worse, I found myself berating myself for doing something that set him off, even though it might be something perfectly innocent. I was so used to walking on eggshells and trying to keep things pleasant, that I took total responsibility for him going out of control. I didn't see it was his problem.
I was unable to see that this treatment was abuse and that he was trying to control my every move. All this time, I told myself he loved me but the truth is he didn't love me at all. The only value I had to him lay in what I could do for him and how I could take care of him.
It was so hard to accept that he didn't care for me at all, only for himself. To me, it was like admitting that I wasn't worth loving. It was so hard to see that it really was him and not me that I didn't somehow make him this way. It was who he was!
I thought because he had a disability I should make allowances for him, I guess. Or maybe, I thought I should be able to be more understanding. What I know for sure, is I thought it was my fault.
As long as I believed that I was somehow responsible for his behavior, then I couldn't protect myself from him. I was stuck in a downward spiral. The only thing that saved me was when I finally confided to someone and they identified the behavior as abuse. I just had been unable to see it myself.
Even then it was hard to leave this relationship. By the time I understood I was being abused, I was so beaten down that I didn't believe I could survive without him. And when I did leave him, he stalked me. I thought I was never going to get away from that man.
After an experience like that, you would think that I would be good a spotting people llike him, but the truth is I still fall into bad situations with people like that occasionally. When I say "people like that" I mean users. Those who prey on other people to make themselves feel better.
I want to give people the benefit of the doubt and give them room to make mistakes because we all do. So sometimes, I give someone a chance who isn't worth the chance. The only difference now is I don't stay stuck in that relationship. It doesn't take long and I get that awkward little feeling in the pit of my stomach and I know. Once I know, I'm gone. Life is too short to waste it on the takers of the world. AND more importantly, I now know, I am a good person and I deserve better than that.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did abuse
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