Friday, October 5, 2007

Lunch and a Movie - Part 2

Part 1

A big part of my programming during my ritualistic abuse had included a strong self destruct message so that I would NEVER tell. That message was enhanced by the fact my feelings were attached to the pain of the physical torture that had generated those feeling so long ago.

In plainer English, not just with any memory that surfaced did I feel the psychological feelings. I also relived the physical pain of that torture as well. In addition any time at all that I felt that feeling, I would feel it with the same intensity and I relived the physical pain of the torture as well.

No wonder I did everything I could my entire life NOT to SCREW UP! If I made a mistake, I relived all of the feelings of the physical and psychological torture, just without the memories that originally caused them.

Until I was well into the therapy process, I had no idea that this was NOT what other people's feelings were like. Feeling any kind of negative emotion was so debilitating that I dared not be in a position that would cause such a feeling. It was no wonder that before therapy I had my feelings stuffed down so far, I felt absolutely nothing except the overwhelming darkness of the pit of depression.

These booby traps made it imperative to my survival to keep my system balanced. It was equally important that the memories came only as fast as we could handle them in a controlled manner. That way those feelings could be diffused. The time bomb could be disarmed and my system could process and heal before I went on to the next memory.

To allow the memories to stack up would mean I would experience multiple tortures all at the same time. Each personality in the system would feel several tortures of other personalities at the same time as their own.

The system had been created because the pain was too overwhelming to survive. The walls had been formed to keep the torture boxed off into manageable portions. And yet now, those walls were crumbling before they were ready to come down. Many personalities were dying. The result was beyond excruciating pain. The pain seemed to increase exponentially.

With my support system jerked away from me and my therapist personality no longer able to control the order and timing of memories surfacing, she struggled to find a way to regain control. She totally understood the importance for our system to process the memories and flashbacks in an orderly manner and to have help whenever we might need it. Every minute of every day was going into finding a way to keep personalities calm and keep the memories and flashbacks at bay.

To further complicate matters, I was now triggering off absolutely everything. Before this time, I didn't usually trigger off of things away from therapy or group. Now, with my system spinning out of control, the slightest thing could trigger a memory, throwing the affected personalities to the forefront. Their memories would try to spill over without proper supervision or the protections in place that had kept us safe from that self destruct order.

The more panicked times that happened, the more frightened our internals parts became. The situation was escalating with triggers bouncing off of triggers, each memory or personality feeding off the other. It would have been a vicious downward spiral with little chance of getting it stopped.

My therapy personality firmly grasped the dilemma she was facing. She did her best to get help whenever there was the slightest ripple in the memory shield that was holding back all of this turmoil. Realizing she couldn't stop the inevitable,she also set about developing a plan to keep me protected as this spiral began.

In the middle of all of this chaos, the director of the agency did yet another thing to ensure that my system would tip out of control. I don't know that she realized she was causing huge problems for me, but she was. If ever there was a guaranteed trigger to sell destruct, she had found it.

My therapist personality had made a call to the director during an episode where a violent personality was trying to emerge. The phone call was helpful to us and everything was easily controlled. However, the director decided my children(my biological children) were in danger. So she called Child Protective Services and filed a report against me.

First, I want to say, at no point were my children ever in danger. Not that I didn't have personalities who felt the need to hurt them, because I did. But those personalities were out of control internally. They were NEVER allowed to take over the body. They were allowed to take over the voice when it was necessary to our healing. But their access to the body was always contained to safe forms of anger expression that were part of the healing process. Otherwise, those personalities were totally contained.

My therapist personality knew to call a real therapist to help deal with the memories that had these violent personalities attached. If she was unable to get a therapist directly, she still was able to keep the lid on or remove me from the situation so that order could be maintained. Even in the depths of the spiral, my two young children were always safe.

However, my biggest fear had always been that my children would be taken away from me. That would be the final proof that I did not deserve to live. The final nail in the coffin that proved I was not fit to be a human being, let alone a mother. If there was anything that would insure I killed myself, it was to take my children away from me.

To be continued............

Part 3


Karma said...

I'm so sorry about what's happening with your kids. Try to keep your eyes on the long term. The goal is to be there for your kids the best you can be, and in order to do that, to continue getting treatment. Even if worst case scenario ensues and your kids are temporarily taken away, if you continue to get treatment and heal, the separation will only be brief.

Rising Rainbow said...

Thank you, karma, for your concern. However, this all happened twenty years ago. I didn't loose my kids and I did complete my therapy. I just had some leftover issues because of this whole incident that I am working through.

BarnGoddess said...

wow-to think CPS was called just because YOU were seeking help and your children were not in danger.

Sometimes people who go overboard are just as BAD as the ones who ignore when children are truly being abused or in danger.

jumpinginpuddles said...

body memories kids safe no cps fear of them being taken all are real fears we should know we live them every day. But then again we were programned into you tell youll lose your kids