Funny how things can take twists you didn't expect. The character in the storyline did come around to tell her story. By that time the prosecutor refused to bring charges against the perpetrator because of the victim's initial actions leaving this perp out there on the streets.
While the details getting to this point are different from my rape, the end result is the same. I think the thing victims fear most is perpetrators still out there doing what they're doing.
In my case it was so long ago that the term "date rape" hadn't even been born yet. The fact I knew my perpetrator, even though I was not dating him, put law enforcement in to that mode it somehow must have been my fault. They didn't come right out and say that to me but they did say that rape would be very difficult to prove because I let this man into my apartment, not to mention the fact I'd been wearing my pajamas and a bathrobe when I did.
I don't really understand how my system functioned to get me through this ordeal. I have few memories of the actual assualt although I was covered in bruises and my body ached. I do have clear memories of speaking with the two officers that responded to my call, our conversation and the physical shape I was in.
I think these officers did believe me. I also think they thought the guy who did this to me was scum. I think they were frustrated by the system and how it functioned. I never got the impression from them it was my fault, only the impression that the system would not be so kind.
Since the patrolmen discouraged me from pressing any charges, they did agree they would speak to the man. They threatened him with charges if he didn't keep his distance from me. Keeping his distance was not going to be any easy thing to do because we worked in the same department at a large aircraft production plant in the computer division but they spelled out what they expected and this guy really did not come near me again.
I ended up loosing my job because of this rape. After the assault each time I reported for work my pulse elevated through the roof and I was sent home. I would miss weeks and weeks of work before my pulse would settle down where it belonged only to report back to work to have it rise through the roof again.
To be honest I didn't really even correlate the connection between the rape and these incidents at the time. It was only when I got older looking back on it that I put two and two together. Recently I was speaking about this with a friend and her response to me was "Your were having panic attacks."
Back in those days there wasn't such a diagnosis. No one, not even the doctors had an explanation for what was happening to me. Eventually my employer got tired of all my missed worked and it was used as an excuse to lay me off so there I was another example of how the victim is punished and the perpetrator goes free but even that is not why this rape mills around in my mind.
To be continued......................
Showing posts with label Healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Healing. Show all posts
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thinking about Rape
One of the television shows I watch has been running a storyline about one of its main characters being raped in her office at work. It has been a realistic, dramatic portrayal from the beginning of the actual assault itself on through to how the victim has handled the situation.
Having been raped myself, you might think I'd stay away from what might push my buttons. Yet right from the beginning of my journey through recovery I've done exactly the opposite. I've utilized any and all triggers as a way to open up any wounds that need healing.
Now, many years after I've officially ceased therapy I am still drawn to things that are triggers for me. Sometimes I think I do it because it reaffirms for me that some people really do treat others as badly as I remember. Other times, maybe, I'm still working on accessing old wounds that need healing. Whatever it is, I found myself drawn to this storyline even though my family had hoped to avoid watching it.
In this particular drama the victim decided she didn't want anyone to know that she'd been raped. While she couldn't hide the fact she'd been badly beaten, she denied right from the start there was any rape. She just couldn't face people seeing her differently and was afraid of their pity. Her pride got in the way of doing what she needed to really heal.
Since I began my journey toward healing, I don't think pride has been my problem. It may have been at the root of the secrets held by some parts of me, but once I decided I was only as sick as my secrets, I was determined not to be captive to them anymore. When each new revelation became exposed I spilled my guts to anyone who would listen. I guess that was my way of taking my power back and getting free from the constraints inflicted upon me through the actions of others.
To be continued...............
A Little More on My Rape
Having been raped myself, you might think I'd stay away from what might push my buttons. Yet right from the beginning of my journey through recovery I've done exactly the opposite. I've utilized any and all triggers as a way to open up any wounds that need healing.
Now, many years after I've officially ceased therapy I am still drawn to things that are triggers for me. Sometimes I think I do it because it reaffirms for me that some people really do treat others as badly as I remember. Other times, maybe, I'm still working on accessing old wounds that need healing. Whatever it is, I found myself drawn to this storyline even though my family had hoped to avoid watching it.
In this particular drama the victim decided she didn't want anyone to know that she'd been raped. While she couldn't hide the fact she'd been badly beaten, she denied right from the start there was any rape. She just couldn't face people seeing her differently and was afraid of their pity. Her pride got in the way of doing what she needed to really heal.
Since I began my journey toward healing, I don't think pride has been my problem. It may have been at the root of the secrets held by some parts of me, but once I decided I was only as sick as my secrets, I was determined not to be captive to them anymore. When each new revelation became exposed I spilled my guts to anyone who would listen. I guess that was my way of taking my power back and getting free from the constraints inflicted upon me through the actions of others.
To be continued...............
A Little More on My Rape
Thursday, January 8, 2009
About OUR Programming
I recently received an email asking my why I had chosen to not work through some of my old programming. I want to make it clear that was never the case. I have worked through my programming very effectively. What I have chosen NOT to do is integrate.
There are still many parts of me where feelings and memories are walled off. That does not mean that those parts are governed by old programming. The nature of my system is such we were able to release the controlling buttons of the cult while not "remembering" each and every atrocity perpetuated on us by those evil persons.
In our journey to get free of them we went in search of the "key," the one thing that had convinced our system that we were indeed evil and just like them. Upon finding that key, we discovered it was just another trick. At the very moment the realization dawned on us this horrible thing was NOT of our doing, but theirs, we finally believed we were never evil at all.
That ephiphany washed over our entire system. A great dark cloud was lifted and we have never seen nor felt that cloud again. We no longer suffer from garbage feelings, nor do we feel we don't have the right to breathe........all those things left and our whole world changed.
There were a few loose ends that we had to clean up before we stopped therapy. We had battered parts exposed that needed some resolution and we took care of that. But we also had many, many more parts whose stories had not been told. We understood the gist of their stories, it was the pain that would go along with the reliving of those stories we chose to avoid.
For all intents and purposes the discovery of that key was the end of the Satanists' hold on us. Why should we continue this horrible journey? It was decided by us with the approval of our therapist that there was no longer any point in looking back. It was time to look forward to the future and live our life for us instead of having it dictated by our past.
We have so many parts that still hold memories......but not really secrets. Do you understand the difference? We may not know what their stories are but we completely understand the evil and the purpose of that evil.
We just didn't see what purpose there might be to subjecting ourselves to the lifetime it would take to open up all of those compartments.
If something gets triggered (which happened late last year), we work with it. Otherwise we live for us. If those inner children cry, we know what to do to care for them. We are capable of nurturing those inner parts when need be. We do not need more memories to understand the horror of the cult or what it did to control us.
While it might be true that continuing this journey would lead to integration, we saw nor see any reason that should be necessary. We are a very high functioning system. We are highly successful at whatever we decide to do. We do not loose time and we have complete acceptance of our parts. What we have to gain from integration just does not balance out with all the pain that we would have to endure.
If you read this blog regularly, it is obvious we struggle from time to time. But we do not struggle anymore than "normal people." Life can be hard sometimes, that's all there is to it. We have the skills to get through whatever life throws our way and we do it. So why should we put our self through all of that pain and miss the time we get to use living our life?
PS. For those who are wondering about our flooding. The waters are receding and we have some clean-up work to do. Thankfully, the raging creek did not take over our home or barns. We did get so much rain and melting snow that we ended up with some wet stalls but they will dry out in a few days and so will the horses. We are very fortunate.........many, many people were not so fortunate. Thanks for all the prayers. They are appreciated.
There are still many parts of me where feelings and memories are walled off. That does not mean that those parts are governed by old programming. The nature of my system is such we were able to release the controlling buttons of the cult while not "remembering" each and every atrocity perpetuated on us by those evil persons.
In our journey to get free of them we went in search of the "key," the one thing that had convinced our system that we were indeed evil and just like them. Upon finding that key, we discovered it was just another trick. At the very moment the realization dawned on us this horrible thing was NOT of our doing, but theirs, we finally believed we were never evil at all.
That ephiphany washed over our entire system. A great dark cloud was lifted and we have never seen nor felt that cloud again. We no longer suffer from garbage feelings, nor do we feel we don't have the right to breathe........all those things left and our whole world changed.
There were a few loose ends that we had to clean up before we stopped therapy. We had battered parts exposed that needed some resolution and we took care of that. But we also had many, many more parts whose stories had not been told. We understood the gist of their stories, it was the pain that would go along with the reliving of those stories we chose to avoid.
For all intents and purposes the discovery of that key was the end of the Satanists' hold on us. Why should we continue this horrible journey? It was decided by us with the approval of our therapist that there was no longer any point in looking back. It was time to look forward to the future and live our life for us instead of having it dictated by our past.
We have so many parts that still hold memories......but not really secrets. Do you understand the difference? We may not know what their stories are but we completely understand the evil and the purpose of that evil.
We just didn't see what purpose there might be to subjecting ourselves to the lifetime it would take to open up all of those compartments.
If something gets triggered (which happened late last year), we work with it. Otherwise we live for us. If those inner children cry, we know what to do to care for them. We are capable of nurturing those inner parts when need be. We do not need more memories to understand the horror of the cult or what it did to control us.
While it might be true that continuing this journey would lead to integration, we saw nor see any reason that should be necessary. We are a very high functioning system. We are highly successful at whatever we decide to do. We do not loose time and we have complete acceptance of our parts. What we have to gain from integration just does not balance out with all the pain that we would have to endure.
If you read this blog regularly, it is obvious we struggle from time to time. But we do not struggle anymore than "normal people." Life can be hard sometimes, that's all there is to it. We have the skills to get through whatever life throws our way and we do it. So why should we put our self through all of that pain and miss the time we get to use living our life?
PS. For those who are wondering about our flooding. The waters are receding and we have some clean-up work to do. Thankfully, the raging creek did not take over our home or barns. We did get so much rain and melting snow that we ended up with some wet stalls but they will dry out in a few days and so will the horses. We are very fortunate.........many, many people were not so fortunate. Thanks for all the prayers. They are appreciated.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
What Valentine's Day Means to Me - An Anniversary
With the way that many victims of childhood abuse feel about holidays, it's hard to know what to post on holidays of any kind. It's also hard to know even if Valentine's Day fits into that category as a holiday for victims or not. Maybe there are people on both sides of the fence.
I know that for many years for me Valentine's Day was just another reminder that I didn't really belong or feel loved by anyone in this world. Even though I've known in my head for some time now that I am loved, I still struggle with feeling that love. I guess that is one of the prices I pay for remaining a multiple. Nonetheless, Valentine's Day has many times been just another day to me.
However, my feelings about Valentine's Day have changed. Not because I now miraculously feel loved because that's not happened yet. No, it's more because of what happened on Valentine's Day. Who would have guessed that this simple fabricated holiday would turn out to be an important day to me. I have actually been looking forward to it all week! I even want to celebrate.
Last year on this day, it was the same old thing for me, or at least I thought it was. It wasn't until the following day that I learned it's new significance to me. The phone rang early (for me, it was 10) in the morning and the caller id showed a familiar name. I picked up the phone and heard, "The bitch is dead!" snarled in nearly unrecognizable tones.
My brain struggled to put the sound of the voice, the name on my caller id and the sentence I'd heard into on recognizable thought. Out of nowhere I heard my voice call my youngest brother by name. I was stunned by the connection some part of me had made and even more stunned to hear his affirmative response. If this was my younger brother,this could only mean one thing. My mother was dead.
I remember trying to get my mind around those words and around my brother's rage that she was gone. He had expected her to say she was sorry sometime before she died. Those words had not come. He had hung his hopes on hearing those words. In his eyes she had wronged him yet again by leaving this world without taking responsibility.
I did my usual through that conversation. I talked to him about his feelings and tried to comfort him and be supportive. I love my brother a lot. It hurts to see him in pain but it's pretty clear that's probably where he will be for most of his life. I did what I could for him without getting sucked into his world. I was saddened to know that even in death she tormented him.
I asked him about "the arrangements" and asked him to let me know if and when he heard anything. I knew that none of my other siblings would make contact with me. I've known for years... that was part of her legacy. I have long accepted it. But what did her death mean to me.........
If you've not been a reader from the beginning of my blogging career on this blog, you might not know that my mother was probably my most influential abuser. Certainly she wasn't primary in regards to my time with the cult, but she is the one who sent me there.
She is the one who taught me not to cry before the cult ever got their bloody hands on me. She is the one that profited from my prostitution starting at the age of two. She is the one that taught me I would never fit in. She is the one who named me Two Ton Lil. She is the one that taught me I was too big for a woman and too ugly to be even human.
She is the one who used me to raise her children. She is the one who turned those children against me. She is the one that needed and used me to survive the loss of her spouse. She was the one who knocked me to the ground and stood with her foot on my head grinding it into the ground both literally and figuritively. She is the one that I worshipped.
I had often wondered what would happen to me when she died. Was it going to throw me into a tailspin and bring up all kinds of old issues? I know I have unresolved issues floating around up there still with those memories I don't want to work through. Would this bring them up? Would I be devastated like my brother, finally losing hope at some kind of resolution? Finally losing hope of ever having a "real" mother.........
All of those things had crossed my mind over the years, those and just one more. During one of my groups I had spoken about having a big party and inviting all my friends from therapy. (Who else would understand having a party to celebrate the death of anyone, let alone a mother?) The idea received a very warm reception. Lots of people wanted to be there to celebrate the death of this woman who called herself my mother.
To be continued..........
Part 2
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression
I know that for many years for me Valentine's Day was just another reminder that I didn't really belong or feel loved by anyone in this world. Even though I've known in my head for some time now that I am loved, I still struggle with feeling that love. I guess that is one of the prices I pay for remaining a multiple. Nonetheless, Valentine's Day has many times been just another day to me.
However, my feelings about Valentine's Day have changed. Not because I now miraculously feel loved because that's not happened yet. No, it's more because of what happened on Valentine's Day. Who would have guessed that this simple fabricated holiday would turn out to be an important day to me. I have actually been looking forward to it all week! I even want to celebrate.
Last year on this day, it was the same old thing for me, or at least I thought it was. It wasn't until the following day that I learned it's new significance to me. The phone rang early (for me, it was 10) in the morning and the caller id showed a familiar name. I picked up the phone and heard, "The bitch is dead!" snarled in nearly unrecognizable tones.
My brain struggled to put the sound of the voice, the name on my caller id and the sentence I'd heard into on recognizable thought. Out of nowhere I heard my voice call my youngest brother by name. I was stunned by the connection some part of me had made and even more stunned to hear his affirmative response. If this was my younger brother,this could only mean one thing. My mother was dead.
I remember trying to get my mind around those words and around my brother's rage that she was gone. He had expected her to say she was sorry sometime before she died. Those words had not come. He had hung his hopes on hearing those words. In his eyes she had wronged him yet again by leaving this world without taking responsibility.
I did my usual through that conversation. I talked to him about his feelings and tried to comfort him and be supportive. I love my brother a lot. It hurts to see him in pain but it's pretty clear that's probably where he will be for most of his life. I did what I could for him without getting sucked into his world. I was saddened to know that even in death she tormented him.
I asked him about "the arrangements" and asked him to let me know if and when he heard anything. I knew that none of my other siblings would make contact with me. I've known for years... that was part of her legacy. I have long accepted it. But what did her death mean to me.........
If you've not been a reader from the beginning of my blogging career on this blog, you might not know that my mother was probably my most influential abuser. Certainly she wasn't primary in regards to my time with the cult, but she is the one who sent me there.
She is the one who taught me not to cry before the cult ever got their bloody hands on me. She is the one that profited from my prostitution starting at the age of two. She is the one that taught me I would never fit in. She is the one who named me Two Ton Lil. She is the one that taught me I was too big for a woman and too ugly to be even human.
She is the one who used me to raise her children. She is the one who turned those children against me. She is the one that needed and used me to survive the loss of her spouse. She was the one who knocked me to the ground and stood with her foot on my head grinding it into the ground both literally and figuritively. She is the one that I worshipped.
I had often wondered what would happen to me when she died. Was it going to throw me into a tailspin and bring up all kinds of old issues? I know I have unresolved issues floating around up there still with those memories I don't want to work through. Would this bring them up? Would I be devastated like my brother, finally losing hope at some kind of resolution? Finally losing hope of ever having a "real" mother.........
All of those things had crossed my mind over the years, those and just one more. During one of my groups I had spoken about having a big party and inviting all my friends from therapy. (Who else would understand having a party to celebrate the death of anyone, let alone a mother?) The idea received a very warm reception. Lots of people wanted to be there to celebrate the death of this woman who called herself my mother.
To be continued..........
Part 2
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Another Look at My Depression - Part 4
I think because I am multiple, some parts were healing, some were not. So when I did find myself in the depths of the pit, those feelings were just as deep and just as dark BUT they were not just as pervasive. A part or parts of me hung onto that hope like the lifeline it was.
It's really not much different a journey than anyone not multiple battling depression must contend with. The thick walls of the multiple make it harder to convey supportive messages within but the basic struggle is the same.
Anyone dealing with depression has their ups and downs, their good days, their bad days as they trigger off the outside world. Then they must try to remind themselves of the new positive messages.
A multiple may take longer to get themselves back out of that hole depending on the extent of their inner communication. A multiple may have to work through the entire process with each part, depending on how their system functions. But we all must work the same process! Whether over and over in each personality or not, it is all about the process.
I didn't see myself as different from those others in my therapy groups. It was pretty clear from the start that I experienced things pretty intensely but I just didn't allow myself to think I was different. To me, we were all victims and that is what mattered.
To this day, I don't think that intensity had as much to do with me being multiple as it has to do with how passionate I am. The women in my groups didn't seem to see anything that separated me from them, so why should I ? Even when I did start to remember the ritual abuse and the satanism, I didn't let myself feel different from the others.
The details were nothing more than that, details. It didn't matter to me who molested them or raped them or who didn't, what mattered was that they had had that experience and it had hurt them. They felt the same way about me and we all felt the same pain, faced the same challenges.
Some felt my story made it easier for them to deal with theirs. For the first time in my life, I found a group of people where I felt like I belonged.The fact that I didn't allow myself to get caught up in feeling different than the others was probably a big help. Just like not allowing myself to be steam rolled by my denial. I think these things all together is what helped me to work through this depression of mine.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression
It's really not much different a journey than anyone not multiple battling depression must contend with. The thick walls of the multiple make it harder to convey supportive messages within but the basic struggle is the same.
Anyone dealing with depression has their ups and downs, their good days, their bad days as they trigger off the outside world. Then they must try to remind themselves of the new positive messages.
A multiple may take longer to get themselves back out of that hole depending on the extent of their inner communication. A multiple may have to work through the entire process with each part, depending on how their system functions. But we all must work the same process! Whether over and over in each personality or not, it is all about the process.
I didn't see myself as different from those others in my therapy groups. It was pretty clear from the start that I experienced things pretty intensely but I just didn't allow myself to think I was different. To me, we were all victims and that is what mattered.
To this day, I don't think that intensity had as much to do with me being multiple as it has to do with how passionate I am. The women in my groups didn't seem to see anything that separated me from them, so why should I ? Even when I did start to remember the ritual abuse and the satanism, I didn't let myself feel different from the others.
The details were nothing more than that, details. It didn't matter to me who molested them or raped them or who didn't, what mattered was that they had had that experience and it had hurt them. They felt the same way about me and we all felt the same pain, faced the same challenges.
Some felt my story made it easier for them to deal with theirs. For the first time in my life, I found a group of people where I felt like I belonged.The fact that I didn't allow myself to get caught up in feeling different than the others was probably a big help. Just like not allowing myself to be steam rolled by my denial. I think these things all together is what helped me to work through this depression of mine.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Another Look at My Depression - Part 3
At some level, I managed to stay focused on that light and finding my way to it. It wasn't strong enough to keep me from falling back into the darkness of the pit called depression but it was strong enough to keep me from staying there.
Sometimes I couldn't see the light at all. Some tiny little thing would happen in my life that pushed all of those old buttons and I would tumble back into that deep dark hole. The light would be totally out of sight but every now and then it would flicker within my mind with just enough light for me to pull myself gradually back out of the darkness.
At first anything at all connected with those "negative" feelings we all feel and fear, could turn out the light. It was a roller coaster ride plummeting out of control, only to catch myself before I hit the bottom of the pit and pulling myself back up to the brink again.
Sometimes I would play that Neil Diamond song, the tears would flow and I would be overcome by pain. The message in that song seemed to speak to me personally. Despite all the desperation and loneliness I felt, I heard maybe I had the right to be alive. That possibility would rekindle the hope and the light it represented and I could pick myself up and go on for a while more.
I feed on books, magazine articles and television shows that spoke about victims and their innocence. While in my head I was discounting everything I was hearing as not applying to me, somehow the message was still managing to get through. Maybe, just maybe these things applied to me too.
Finally I was so ready to be done with that darkness and that roller coaster ride, that despite my fear, I forced myself forward into totally uncharted territory. I began spilling my guts in therapy. Every secret I could remember, every thing that happened at home that I thought was normal but made me feel bad, I coughed that stuff up like the vomit it was.
Gradually, my self esteem grew to the point that I really did believe that I had a right to be free from the darkness and depression. I still had no idea what all that darkness represented but I was convinced I was up for the task. As determined as I was in my pursuit of the light and its source, I finally reached that point where I managed to keep myself from falling back to the depths of that hole at all.
This post, A Little More History covers how I got to that second stage of therapy which gave me the strength to get myself out of that hole for good. I might hit the rim now and then but never again would I allow myself the total submersion that I had experienced before that intervention.
To be continued...............
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression
Sometimes I couldn't see the light at all. Some tiny little thing would happen in my life that pushed all of those old buttons and I would tumble back into that deep dark hole. The light would be totally out of sight but every now and then it would flicker within my mind with just enough light for me to pull myself gradually back out of the darkness.
At first anything at all connected with those "negative" feelings we all feel and fear, could turn out the light. It was a roller coaster ride plummeting out of control, only to catch myself before I hit the bottom of the pit and pulling myself back up to the brink again.
Sometimes I would play that Neil Diamond song, the tears would flow and I would be overcome by pain. The message in that song seemed to speak to me personally. Despite all the desperation and loneliness I felt, I heard maybe I had the right to be alive. That possibility would rekindle the hope and the light it represented and I could pick myself up and go on for a while more.
I feed on books, magazine articles and television shows that spoke about victims and their innocence. While in my head I was discounting everything I was hearing as not applying to me, somehow the message was still managing to get through. Maybe, just maybe these things applied to me too.
Finally I was so ready to be done with that darkness and that roller coaster ride, that despite my fear, I forced myself forward into totally uncharted territory. I began spilling my guts in therapy. Every secret I could remember, every thing that happened at home that I thought was normal but made me feel bad, I coughed that stuff up like the vomit it was.
Gradually, my self esteem grew to the point that I really did believe that I had a right to be free from the darkness and depression. I still had no idea what all that darkness represented but I was convinced I was up for the task. As determined as I was in my pursuit of the light and its source, I finally reached that point where I managed to keep myself from falling back to the depths of that hole at all.
This post, A Little More History covers how I got to that second stage of therapy which gave me the strength to get myself out of that hole for good. I might hit the rim now and then but never again would I allow myself the total submersion that I had experienced before that intervention.
To be continued...............
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression
Monday, January 14, 2008
Another Look at My Depression - Part 2
Part 1
I don't post about this deep depression I was in to bring anyone down, only as a baseline for what I have escaped. If someone can recognize this place as a place where they struggle, then maybe knowing that others have experienced it too and not only survived but are now thriving might be enough to give them some hope. So I believe conveying the depths of the darkness that had swallowed me up is very important
Had the timing been different, I know I would not be here today. All of those things came together at the right time for me. No one knows me as well as I. I don't attempt anything I cannot do and do well. This would not have been an attempt for me, it would have been a successful suicide.
If "Grace" is that thing that happens just at the right time to make a huge difference in one's life, that saves us from ourselves, then that is what I would attribute to the fact I am here today. I'm pretty sure I didn't realize that at the time or even when I went through my therapy. But I am grateful for the grace that saved me from that dark end.
This post, A Little History speaks to how and why I even managed to get into therapy in the first place. While I was in this therapy, it was during this time that I actually managed to fall head first into that hole or maybe it's when I became aware of this hole. I don't really know for sure which is true. But believe me, I remember that hole!
While this particular therapist didn't help me with my abuse issues, it was this therapist that set up the intervention. The intervention was only the first step in the process to get free from that depression that had insinuated itself into every facet of my being. It wasn't like someone flipped a switch and the darkness was gone forever.Instead it appeared as just a flicker of light, a ray of hope.
After the pitch black darkness I had been experiencing even that flicker was blinding. At first I didn't really do much of anything but get accustomed to this new light. I mulled it over wondering if there could really be any chance that I deserved to be alive. I wondered if those professionals had the chance to do it over, would they just let me go. I was far from ready to jump into revamping my psyche but I wasn't ready to let go of that ray of hope either.
To be continued............
Part 3
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression
I don't post about this deep depression I was in to bring anyone down, only as a baseline for what I have escaped. If someone can recognize this place as a place where they struggle, then maybe knowing that others have experienced it too and not only survived but are now thriving might be enough to give them some hope. So I believe conveying the depths of the darkness that had swallowed me up is very important
Had the timing been different, I know I would not be here today. All of those things came together at the right time for me. No one knows me as well as I. I don't attempt anything I cannot do and do well. This would not have been an attempt for me, it would have been a successful suicide.
If "Grace" is that thing that happens just at the right time to make a huge difference in one's life, that saves us from ourselves, then that is what I would attribute to the fact I am here today. I'm pretty sure I didn't realize that at the time or even when I went through my therapy. But I am grateful for the grace that saved me from that dark end.
This post, A Little History speaks to how and why I even managed to get into therapy in the first place. While I was in this therapy, it was during this time that I actually managed to fall head first into that hole or maybe it's when I became aware of this hole. I don't really know for sure which is true. But believe me, I remember that hole!
While this particular therapist didn't help me with my abuse issues, it was this therapist that set up the intervention. The intervention was only the first step in the process to get free from that depression that had insinuated itself into every facet of my being. It wasn't like someone flipped a switch and the darkness was gone forever.Instead it appeared as just a flicker of light, a ray of hope.
After the pitch black darkness I had been experiencing even that flicker was blinding. At first I didn't really do much of anything but get accustomed to this new light. I mulled it over wondering if there could really be any chance that I deserved to be alive. I wondered if those professionals had the chance to do it over, would they just let me go. I was far from ready to jump into revamping my psyche but I wasn't ready to let go of that ray of hope either.
To be continued............
Part 3
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression
Saturday, January 12, 2008
My Thoughts on Integration - Part 5
Part 1
One of the things that Keepers mentioned on her post was fear that if she integrated and dissociated later, that would be some kind of failure. She wasn't sure that her system could take another defeat. My guess is that message is some evil leftover from her stint with an unethical therapist. It is a message specifically planted to keep her stuck in the trap and away from healing.
Dissociating to survive trauma is not a weakness. Personally I see it as a gift. Without this skill I never would have survived. If it happens to me again, and dissociating is how I cope, then I know that was a necessary choice. I would gladly dissociate than be dead.
I've had some severe traumas since I finished my therapy. One was my youngest child was diagnosed with brain cancer. If that was not enough she had complications from her surgery and had to learn to walk and talk and just about everything else all over again. I did not revert in any way during that time.
Also since that time, I have had two horses that were extremely special to my system who each died in very traumatic ways. Neither of this instances caused me to revert either. While this may not make sense to some because they were horses, there will never be anything anymore painful to my heart than these losses or watching my child suffer through radiation, chemotherapy and brain damage.
I guess if I didn't split apart from any of these things, I'm probably not going to split again over anything. I think that once a system unites and integration takes place, it's pretty darn hard to cause it to fracture again.
My belief is that it would take something really horrendous like what happened to us in our childhood to cause us to split off in that manner again. The odds are that isn't going to happen. I am no longer a small child unable to protect myself.
As an adult, I am able to process horrors that a child isn't capable of understanding. That is what the professionals believe causes multiplicity in the first place. The child cannot make sense of the situation so locks it away.
I realize that the professionals refer to this coping skill that saved us as a disorder. But then they have little understanding of why it really happens or how it works. All they can see is that some multiples are struggling to cope in their daily lives. So they've slapped a label on it and called it a mental illness. That doesn't make it an illness. It's not a problem for every multiple.
I think when a multiple is having trouble coping in every day life (which is usually brought on by some stressor that has set the system out of balance) that is when the multiple needs help from a professional. And as far as I'm concerned that's when the term mental illness might apply.
I suppose if you must have a diagnosis for someone who is suffering from past child abuse, then it makes sense to me that they would apply a label for a multiple that is out of balance as well.
The fact is they make no such distinctions and I think that is what makes multiples feel like they are somehow damaged and different from others. It appears that even if they are coping just fine, as I am, that they am somehow flawed. I could tell you about my flaws, but they'd probably make you laugh. They have nothing to do with being multiple.
The professionals can think that if they want. That does not make it true. I know that I am healthier than most of the people around me. Yet I am still fractured into parts. How can this be so?
I think it's pretty easy to see. The world is not black and white and neither are multiples. It doesn't matter if we are integrated or split off in hundreds of pieces. We are people just like everyone else with the same hopes and dreams and fears. The only thing keeping us down is our fears and the same is true of singletons. If we can set them aside, and learn to accept ourselves, the sky is the limit.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did integration
One of the things that Keepers mentioned on her post was fear that if she integrated and dissociated later, that would be some kind of failure. She wasn't sure that her system could take another defeat. My guess is that message is some evil leftover from her stint with an unethical therapist. It is a message specifically planted to keep her stuck in the trap and away from healing.
Dissociating to survive trauma is not a weakness. Personally I see it as a gift. Without this skill I never would have survived. If it happens to me again, and dissociating is how I cope, then I know that was a necessary choice. I would gladly dissociate than be dead.
I've had some severe traumas since I finished my therapy. One was my youngest child was diagnosed with brain cancer. If that was not enough she had complications from her surgery and had to learn to walk and talk and just about everything else all over again. I did not revert in any way during that time.
Also since that time, I have had two horses that were extremely special to my system who each died in very traumatic ways. Neither of this instances caused me to revert either. While this may not make sense to some because they were horses, there will never be anything anymore painful to my heart than these losses or watching my child suffer through radiation, chemotherapy and brain damage.
I guess if I didn't split apart from any of these things, I'm probably not going to split again over anything. I think that once a system unites and integration takes place, it's pretty darn hard to cause it to fracture again.
My belief is that it would take something really horrendous like what happened to us in our childhood to cause us to split off in that manner again. The odds are that isn't going to happen. I am no longer a small child unable to protect myself.
As an adult, I am able to process horrors that a child isn't capable of understanding. That is what the professionals believe causes multiplicity in the first place. The child cannot make sense of the situation so locks it away.
I realize that the professionals refer to this coping skill that saved us as a disorder. But then they have little understanding of why it really happens or how it works. All they can see is that some multiples are struggling to cope in their daily lives. So they've slapped a label on it and called it a mental illness. That doesn't make it an illness. It's not a problem for every multiple.
I think when a multiple is having trouble coping in every day life (which is usually brought on by some stressor that has set the system out of balance) that is when the multiple needs help from a professional. And as far as I'm concerned that's when the term mental illness might apply.
I suppose if you must have a diagnosis for someone who is suffering from past child abuse, then it makes sense to me that they would apply a label for a multiple that is out of balance as well.
The fact is they make no such distinctions and I think that is what makes multiples feel like they are somehow damaged and different from others. It appears that even if they are coping just fine, as I am, that they am somehow flawed. I could tell you about my flaws, but they'd probably make you laugh. They have nothing to do with being multiple.
The professionals can think that if they want. That does not make it true. I know that I am healthier than most of the people around me. Yet I am still fractured into parts. How can this be so?
I think it's pretty easy to see. The world is not black and white and neither are multiples. It doesn't matter if we are integrated or split off in hundreds of pieces. We are people just like everyone else with the same hopes and dreams and fears. The only thing keeping us down is our fears and the same is true of singletons. If we can set them aside, and learn to accept ourselves, the sky is the limit.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did integration
Friday, January 11, 2008
My Thoughts on Integration - Part 4
Part 1
There are other parts within my system that are still separate because they belong to clusters of personalities. These clusters are related to children who are still keeping their silence. As long as part of the cluster needs to maintain walls, the others are affected as well. The walls can not come down completely between the others on the inside who are not part of these cluster.
That doesn't mean that those parts have full scale walls anymore. Their walls are only intact to the extent necessary to hold the necessary things inside. Parts with secrets have access to consciousness and a voice at all times, if they want it. We no longer have safeguards to keep any part quiet or out of touch.
While integration has never been my goal, my guess is that the professionals would say I have achieved it in some parts. Do any parts of me feel threatened because of this? Absolutely not, it is a non issue for us. We get stronger and stronger each day. We have bumps in our road of life just like anyone else but we have the skills to navigate those bumps with the least amount of stress to all within our system. That is what we trust and believe in.
Do we care if you refer to us as many or one? We have no inclinations either way. At this point in our recovery we see ourselves as one human being with several hundred parts united in one body. That is what matters. The picture we have is of an evolving person who is finally whole. Even with all our walls, we know that we are one.
If that means that total integration will someday have occurred we are ALL content. We all know that we will survive in our entirety. We know from what we have lived that we will feel as least as good then as we do now. No part will suffer or be lost. We know the actuality is we will probably notice little difference. And those around us won't have a clue. The changes are subtle and reaffirming
If on the other hand we join no closer together than we are now, we are ALL content with that as well. We're doing pretty darn well in living this dream of ours. Not suffering anymore because of that crap in our past would be just fine. We are a happy healthy human being.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did integration
There are other parts within my system that are still separate because they belong to clusters of personalities. These clusters are related to children who are still keeping their silence. As long as part of the cluster needs to maintain walls, the others are affected as well. The walls can not come down completely between the others on the inside who are not part of these cluster.
That doesn't mean that those parts have full scale walls anymore. Their walls are only intact to the extent necessary to hold the necessary things inside. Parts with secrets have access to consciousness and a voice at all times, if they want it. We no longer have safeguards to keep any part quiet or out of touch.
While integration has never been my goal, my guess is that the professionals would say I have achieved it in some parts. Do any parts of me feel threatened because of this? Absolutely not, it is a non issue for us. We get stronger and stronger each day. We have bumps in our road of life just like anyone else but we have the skills to navigate those bumps with the least amount of stress to all within our system. That is what we trust and believe in.
Do we care if you refer to us as many or one? We have no inclinations either way. At this point in our recovery we see ourselves as one human being with several hundred parts united in one body. That is what matters. The picture we have is of an evolving person who is finally whole. Even with all our walls, we know that we are one.
If that means that total integration will someday have occurred we are ALL content. We all know that we will survive in our entirety. We know from what we have lived that we will feel as least as good then as we do now. No part will suffer or be lost. We know the actuality is we will probably notice little difference. And those around us won't have a clue. The changes are subtle and reaffirming
If on the other hand we join no closer together than we are now, we are ALL content with that as well. We're doing pretty darn well in living this dream of ours. Not suffering anymore because of that crap in our past would be just fine. We are a happy healthy human being.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did integration
Thursday, January 10, 2008
My Thoughts on Integration - Part 3
Part 1
Some multiples see themselves as puzzle pieces and I have to totally concur. As I have travelled this road, more and more of my pieces have been put into their correct location. As that has happened, the picture of who I am has become clearer and clearer.
No one piece is anymore valuable than the rest. And when several pieces fit together perfectly aligned there is some kind of inner peace that comes with the recognition that part of us is now whole. It seems to happen subtly and over stretches of time. There is no "incident" that marks its happening, only the realization that our life is gradually getting smoother and more content.
While I haven't set it as a goal of my recovery, I am not frightened by it either. It is just another part in the process that has been our healing. Those parts that no longer have boundaries make our lives much easier. We no longer have to go over and over the same things because we have switched from one part (or place in our puzzle) to another.Those feelings of wanting to be an individual on our own or our own person somehow get stronger and more unified instead of being sacrificed in this process.
I doubt that anyone who lives with me or knows me well is even aware when this has happened. Actually, now a days, we seem to notice more when a part with more defined walls is present because we recognize the limited form of the feelings of that part.
I guess it might be easier to explain with an example. I have a part who hates my husband. I do mean hates!! She doesn't want to live with him and cannot stand being in the same room with him. We know when she is present because she begins to threaten him with divorce.
Her feelings carry a lot of weight in our system and we start to think maybe we would be better off without him. But then someone will start to wonder how we got to this place and the inner discussion begins. Once that happens, she usually disappears again and for a time, my husband doesn't have to worry about divorce.
It's not necessarily a bad thing when she begins to pick on him. She usually only shows up because he has been behaving like a schmuck! Most times her confrontations will result in some change on his part. He's very slow at getting it figured out but he is gradually getting better. He has a long way to go in his healing.
We imagine this part will remain separate until we have really resolved our feelings about our husband. It's all complicated with the inner children he has taken great care of, sex and our horses. It is the one area in our lives where we don't really know what the right thing for us is. I would guess that speaks to why this part is still separate. I'm pretty sure that acceptance on all levels (including inner feelings) is a big key to unity.
To be continued............
Part 4
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did integration
Some multiples see themselves as puzzle pieces and I have to totally concur. As I have travelled this road, more and more of my pieces have been put into their correct location. As that has happened, the picture of who I am has become clearer and clearer.
No one piece is anymore valuable than the rest. And when several pieces fit together perfectly aligned there is some kind of inner peace that comes with the recognition that part of us is now whole. It seems to happen subtly and over stretches of time. There is no "incident" that marks its happening, only the realization that our life is gradually getting smoother and more content.
While I haven't set it as a goal of my recovery, I am not frightened by it either. It is just another part in the process that has been our healing. Those parts that no longer have boundaries make our lives much easier. We no longer have to go over and over the same things because we have switched from one part (or place in our puzzle) to another.Those feelings of wanting to be an individual on our own or our own person somehow get stronger and more unified instead of being sacrificed in this process.
I doubt that anyone who lives with me or knows me well is even aware when this has happened. Actually, now a days, we seem to notice more when a part with more defined walls is present because we recognize the limited form of the feelings of that part.
I guess it might be easier to explain with an example. I have a part who hates my husband. I do mean hates!! She doesn't want to live with him and cannot stand being in the same room with him. We know when she is present because she begins to threaten him with divorce.
Her feelings carry a lot of weight in our system and we start to think maybe we would be better off without him. But then someone will start to wonder how we got to this place and the inner discussion begins. Once that happens, she usually disappears again and for a time, my husband doesn't have to worry about divorce.
It's not necessarily a bad thing when she begins to pick on him. She usually only shows up because he has been behaving like a schmuck! Most times her confrontations will result in some change on his part. He's very slow at getting it figured out but he is gradually getting better. He has a long way to go in his healing.
We imagine this part will remain separate until we have really resolved our feelings about our husband. It's all complicated with the inner children he has taken great care of, sex and our horses. It is the one area in our lives where we don't really know what the right thing for us is. I would guess that speaks to why this part is still separate. I'm pretty sure that acceptance on all levels (including inner feelings) is a big key to unity.
To be continued............
Part 4
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did integration
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
My Thoughts on Integration - Part 2
Part 1
To do this we have not closed the door on any alter. We never thought to protect one part at the expense of another. We never made an active attempt to stop or start integration. We just worked our process.
We have held the door closed short term on an alter sometimes to have suitable help in place when that alter relinquished her/his secret but we have not denied anyone inside her/his voice. We have accepted the needs of each and every alter and tried to find a healthy way to fill those needs.
Our inner conflicts are only fleeting. Usually they are based in an unheard alter still carrying old messages. Our system holds strong against such messages but has learned to treat the holders of such with the dignity and respect that they have earned. Without them, we would not have survived.
Giving them that honor while still disagreeing with their message, actually helps those parts to see the truth. Healing is usually pretty swift for these parts because our inner sanctuary is united in acceptance and understanding, prepared for any and all secrets from our past. We do not judge ourselves under those old rules.
We still have parts who have endured heinous abuses and carry dark messages, programming and pain who have not told their truths. Those alters are usually content to keep their secrets in the name of protecting the entire system from further pain.
However, should triggering occur to cause any of those parts pain, we feel the need to bring them forth to relinquish their secrets. Also, should any part have information that might help another survivor, that too will be good reason to bring a part to the forefront. We are all in agreement to do so.
Our rule of thumb is no alter shall suffer for the sake of the others and no outside survivors will suffer if we can help. That means if suffering begins, the wounds will be dealt with regardless of the interim pain. We accept that all healing has its own time and we will deal with it.
Living under these terms has brought us to where we are today. We still have many, many rooms within our internal castle. But some of those rooms have been turned into suites. I can't think of any better way to describe what has occurred. The walls separating some parts are no longer there. It was not a conscious decision to end one phase and begin a new. It was just the result of the work, the co-operations that have become our system.
That doesn't mean that two parts have disappeared and a new one has been formed. No one died. No one's uniqueness or endearing characteristics or little quirks were lost. Just the wall separating two parts, protecting them from each other were finally gone because they were no longer necessary. Both parts are still present, together, forever joined. The good, the bad and everything in between with no walls to separate them are now housed in that one suite.
To be continued...........
Part 3
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did integration
To do this we have not closed the door on any alter. We never thought to protect one part at the expense of another. We never made an active attempt to stop or start integration. We just worked our process.
We have held the door closed short term on an alter sometimes to have suitable help in place when that alter relinquished her/his secret but we have not denied anyone inside her/his voice. We have accepted the needs of each and every alter and tried to find a healthy way to fill those needs.
Our inner conflicts are only fleeting. Usually they are based in an unheard alter still carrying old messages. Our system holds strong against such messages but has learned to treat the holders of such with the dignity and respect that they have earned. Without them, we would not have survived.
Giving them that honor while still disagreeing with their message, actually helps those parts to see the truth. Healing is usually pretty swift for these parts because our inner sanctuary is united in acceptance and understanding, prepared for any and all secrets from our past. We do not judge ourselves under those old rules.
We still have parts who have endured heinous abuses and carry dark messages, programming and pain who have not told their truths. Those alters are usually content to keep their secrets in the name of protecting the entire system from further pain.
However, should triggering occur to cause any of those parts pain, we feel the need to bring them forth to relinquish their secrets. Also, should any part have information that might help another survivor, that too will be good reason to bring a part to the forefront. We are all in agreement to do so.
Our rule of thumb is no alter shall suffer for the sake of the others and no outside survivors will suffer if we can help. That means if suffering begins, the wounds will be dealt with regardless of the interim pain. We accept that all healing has its own time and we will deal with it.
Living under these terms has brought us to where we are today. We still have many, many rooms within our internal castle. But some of those rooms have been turned into suites. I can't think of any better way to describe what has occurred. The walls separating some parts are no longer there. It was not a conscious decision to end one phase and begin a new. It was just the result of the work, the co-operations that have become our system.
That doesn't mean that two parts have disappeared and a new one has been formed. No one died. No one's uniqueness or endearing characteristics or little quirks were lost. Just the wall separating two parts, protecting them from each other were finally gone because they were no longer necessary. Both parts are still present, together, forever joined. The good, the bad and everything in between with no walls to separate them are now housed in that one suite.
To be continued...........
Part 3
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did integration
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Christmas Greetings
On my other blog, MiKael's Mania - Arabian Horses I've done a couple of posts about what Christmas means to me these days. With so many survivors struggling with the holidays, I thought maybe it would be fun to share how Christmas has changed from those old days at home in my toxic family to something I look forward to.
My Christmas Eve post A Christmas Memory - An Arabian Horse Meets Rosey the Reindeer shares an incident that occurred during my very early days in my healing process. The horse in this story is my very first horse, Scandalous.
I wanted an Arabian horse as long as I can remember and part of my recovery was allowing myself that dream. I haven't shared her story here yet, but that day is coming. Scandalous saved my life. She is no longer with me, but her memory keeps me going. This story is just one of those memories that are so special to me.
My Christmas Day post, Believe in Santa Claus and Arabian Horses, of course...... shares a story that to me is what Christmas is all about. I don't think about the Christmas's I should have had anymore, I think about the Christmas's I can make for myself and my family for the future. Living by the spirit of this post has put the joy into Christmas.
Also don't forget to keep praying for JIP. With her therapist gone on holiday, JIP will be vulnerable to attacks from those trying to force her back under their control. Her need for support and prayers is going to be ongoing here for a while.
Merry Christmas Everyone!!
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
My Christmas Eve post A Christmas Memory - An Arabian Horse Meets Rosey the Reindeer shares an incident that occurred during my very early days in my healing process. The horse in this story is my very first horse, Scandalous.
I wanted an Arabian horse as long as I can remember and part of my recovery was allowing myself that dream. I haven't shared her story here yet, but that day is coming. Scandalous saved my life. She is no longer with me, but her memory keeps me going. This story is just one of those memories that are so special to me.
My Christmas Day post, Believe in Santa Claus and Arabian Horses, of course...... shares a story that to me is what Christmas is all about. I don't think about the Christmas's I should have had anymore, I think about the Christmas's I can make for myself and my family for the future. Living by the spirit of this post has put the joy into Christmas.
Also don't forget to keep praying for JIP. With her therapist gone on holiday, JIP will be vulnerable to attacks from those trying to force her back under their control. Her need for support and prayers is going to be ongoing here for a while.
Merry Christmas Everyone!!
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Thursday, December 13, 2007
What to Do About Mothers?
All of us who are victims of abuse have issues with out mothers. Some are in denial about the situation but have issues none the less. I thought it was interesting as I was listening to Dr Laura on our local radio station and the subject of mothers came up.
The caller had been molested by her step-father as a child. While the mother had divorced the man, she had chosen to keep his name despite the victim's protestations. This victim was currently considering severing contact with her mother and asking Dr Laura if she thought that was appropriate.
I have to say I don't usually listen to Dr Laura, my husband does, but I don't really like her attitude. She comes across to me as short m abrupt, uncaring sometimes. Maybe because of my own history of having detached from my family of origin, I was actually kind of interested in hearing her response to this victim.
I don't know what I expected for sure, but I can tell you I was surprised to hear her say that she thought it was not only wise but mature. She said something else that really struck me. Most adults are so desperate for some kind of parental approval that they cannot bring themselves to separate from parental relationships that are obviously destructive.
While these words may not be an exact quote, I'm telling you they are darn close! Here on this nationally broadcast radio show was a therapist actually telling someone that to pull away was actually MATURE! What struck me about this was all the woman had told her was that her mother continued to use the name of her offender because it was good for her business.
That one statement was enough for Dr Laura to know that this mother was not interested in what was best for her child. She was interested in what was best for her business.
I immediately thought of all of the victims whose blogs I read that are struggling with guilt because they want to or have separated from their mother or others in their families of origin. I thought about all of the different things that have happened to those victims, and yet they still struggle with guilt for leaving that past behind them.
Is it as cut and dried as Dr Laura suggests? If contact with our family of origin continually causes pain, is it ok to just walk away? I believe it is! And I have to say that Dr Laura took a step up in my book. However, I know that this just isn't as easily done as all of that but maybe by putting it into the perspective of Dr Laura, it might just get a bit easier. I kinda like my decision being called mature!
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism
The caller had been molested by her step-father as a child. While the mother had divorced the man, she had chosen to keep his name despite the victim's protestations. This victim was currently considering severing contact with her mother and asking Dr Laura if she thought that was appropriate.
I have to say I don't usually listen to Dr Laura, my husband does, but I don't really like her attitude. She comes across to me as short m abrupt, uncaring sometimes. Maybe because of my own history of having detached from my family of origin, I was actually kind of interested in hearing her response to this victim.
I don't know what I expected for sure, but I can tell you I was surprised to hear her say that she thought it was not only wise but mature. She said something else that really struck me. Most adults are so desperate for some kind of parental approval that they cannot bring themselves to separate from parental relationships that are obviously destructive.
While these words may not be an exact quote, I'm telling you they are darn close! Here on this nationally broadcast radio show was a therapist actually telling someone that to pull away was actually MATURE! What struck me about this was all the woman had told her was that her mother continued to use the name of her offender because it was good for her business.
That one statement was enough for Dr Laura to know that this mother was not interested in what was best for her child. She was interested in what was best for her business.
I immediately thought of all of the victims whose blogs I read that are struggling with guilt because they want to or have separated from their mother or others in their families of origin. I thought about all of the different things that have happened to those victims, and yet they still struggle with guilt for leaving that past behind them.
Is it as cut and dried as Dr Laura suggests? If contact with our family of origin continually causes pain, is it ok to just walk away? I believe it is! And I have to say that Dr Laura took a step up in my book. However, I know that this just isn't as easily done as all of that but maybe by putting it into the perspective of Dr Laura, it might just get a bit easier. I kinda like my decision being called mature!
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
More on Trust
I'm not going to say that trust is easy for me because it's not. But that basic elemental trust that life is worth living and that the whole world is not out to get us is very important. Opening the door to the possibility that such information might be valid is a huge step in the quest for freedom from the pain of childhood abuse.
This basic trust I am rock solid about. I know in my heart that life is worth living and that there isn't someone waiting around every corner trying to make my life miserable. The more I have learned about human nature, the more I realize many of those people out there are just as afraid of me as I was of them. Their fears take up so much of their time they have no time to devote to harming me.
Being able to see that many, many people have problems that consume them, made it easier for me to dispel my all or nothing thinking that everyone would do me some harm given the opportunity. I didn't have to be afraid to take some risks for fear something bad might happen to me. Life can be scary enough without thinking that every person out there is bad.
But I don't give my trust away either to everyone and anyone who comes along. I regard it as something to be earned and that is done in degrees. It doesn't have to be given in blanket form to anyone that comes along. It doesn't have to be given at all, only as I see fit.
While I try to go into new situations with an open mind, I don't want to give myself away only to be hurt because I trusted too soon. So I start off slow and adjust as I go along. Sometimes I screw up and get my feelings hurt but usually it's because I didn't read the signs that are right in front of me. Healing from those things is difficult but it doesn't happen often. Learning to understand how and why I was victimized has really given me great tools for reading people.
Getting hurt by someone that I trusted can be devastating. Having someone I don't particularly care for do something unkind only reassures me that my observations about that person are correct. Since I have nothing vested in the relationship, I have nothing to lose. I refuse to let the fact that there are such people stop me from participating in life. To do so, would be to let my abusers win. That will never happen, I can assure you.
I tend to live one day at a time trying not to get so caught up in a plan that I miss out on life. I'm open to the possibility that maybe I'll met a new friend out there and maybe I'll get burned but either way it will be as I live life on my terms and not those drilled into me as a victim.
I think about my first experiences in group therapy. Many of those women hugged each other when they arrived and when they departed. But touch me, you've got to be kidding. I didn't want any stranger touching me. I did find women that I would allow to hug me through that experience but believe me they worked hard to get to that place.
Even now I don't give casual hugs. Nor do I make casual friends. You are either in my inner circle or you are an acquaintance. There is no middle ground. If I call someone my friend, I mean it. It isn't a title given lightly.
To me being or having a friend is a commitment to be there in times of need. I trust those who have reached my inner circle will be there if I need them. So far I have not been disappointed. They may not always be able to be there in exactly the way that I need at a particular time but they will give me all that they have to give. Sometimes that is all that matters, that they want to be there even though they can't.
Because I speak openly about my victimization, people will often find themselves telling me things they have never told anyone. I can't even tell you how many times I've heard the words, "I was never molested but........." followed by a story of molestation. From those ranks usually come my friends.
Who better understands victims and their idiosyncrasies than other victims? I don't have to act like I'm interested in cliquey girl things when I can't relate to that stuff at all. For me life is about getting through each day with some kind of grace not shopping and lunches and trivial stuff. Learning to navigate the world of my psyche in a manner that I didn't self destruct used to take my full attention.
Today, following my dreams and being there for my friends takes my precious time. Since most of my life I spent caught in the trap of victimization, I feel like my life really didn't get started until I was finally free. I have a lot of living to make up for.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
This basic trust I am rock solid about. I know in my heart that life is worth living and that there isn't someone waiting around every corner trying to make my life miserable. The more I have learned about human nature, the more I realize many of those people out there are just as afraid of me as I was of them. Their fears take up so much of their time they have no time to devote to harming me.
Being able to see that many, many people have problems that consume them, made it easier for me to dispel my all or nothing thinking that everyone would do me some harm given the opportunity. I didn't have to be afraid to take some risks for fear something bad might happen to me. Life can be scary enough without thinking that every person out there is bad.
But I don't give my trust away either to everyone and anyone who comes along. I regard it as something to be earned and that is done in degrees. It doesn't have to be given in blanket form to anyone that comes along. It doesn't have to be given at all, only as I see fit.
While I try to go into new situations with an open mind, I don't want to give myself away only to be hurt because I trusted too soon. So I start off slow and adjust as I go along. Sometimes I screw up and get my feelings hurt but usually it's because I didn't read the signs that are right in front of me. Healing from those things is difficult but it doesn't happen often. Learning to understand how and why I was victimized has really given me great tools for reading people.
Getting hurt by someone that I trusted can be devastating. Having someone I don't particularly care for do something unkind only reassures me that my observations about that person are correct. Since I have nothing vested in the relationship, I have nothing to lose. I refuse to let the fact that there are such people stop me from participating in life. To do so, would be to let my abusers win. That will never happen, I can assure you.
I tend to live one day at a time trying not to get so caught up in a plan that I miss out on life. I'm open to the possibility that maybe I'll met a new friend out there and maybe I'll get burned but either way it will be as I live life on my terms and not those drilled into me as a victim.
I think about my first experiences in group therapy. Many of those women hugged each other when they arrived and when they departed. But touch me, you've got to be kidding. I didn't want any stranger touching me. I did find women that I would allow to hug me through that experience but believe me they worked hard to get to that place.
Even now I don't give casual hugs. Nor do I make casual friends. You are either in my inner circle or you are an acquaintance. There is no middle ground. If I call someone my friend, I mean it. It isn't a title given lightly.
To me being or having a friend is a commitment to be there in times of need. I trust those who have reached my inner circle will be there if I need them. So far I have not been disappointed. They may not always be able to be there in exactly the way that I need at a particular time but they will give me all that they have to give. Sometimes that is all that matters, that they want to be there even though they can't.
Because I speak openly about my victimization, people will often find themselves telling me things they have never told anyone. I can't even tell you how many times I've heard the words, "I was never molested but........." followed by a story of molestation. From those ranks usually come my friends.
Who better understands victims and their idiosyncrasies than other victims? I don't have to act like I'm interested in cliquey girl things when I can't relate to that stuff at all. For me life is about getting through each day with some kind of grace not shopping and lunches and trivial stuff. Learning to navigate the world of my psyche in a manner that I didn't self destruct used to take my full attention.
Today, following my dreams and being there for my friends takes my precious time. Since most of my life I spent caught in the trap of victimization, I feel like my life really didn't get started until I was finally free. I have a lot of living to make up for.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Monday, December 10, 2007
Trust - Faith - Hope
I don't think there is any issue more difficult for a victim to work through than trust. The mere act of victimization blows trust to smithereens. Once you've been hurt how do you trust anyone, let alone yourself.
I hear from so many victims that they don't really care for people. As a matter of fact, when I hear that statement from someone, I'm pretty sure they are a victim whether they know it or not. It's one of those characteristics of victimization.
I know particularly the victims of childhood abuse tend to find themselves faced with offender type personalities throughout their lives. Instead of considering the possibility that it might be something about them that they seek out that type of person, they think that it is just all people are bad.
I wonder if the more severe childhood trauma ends with more severe adult trauma. I guess the reason that I wonder that is my history sounds like something out of fiction instead of real life.
Aside from being a victim of ritual abuse, I was molested by a creepy old man on the way to school and by my brother. And as an adult, I married not one, but two, batterers and child molesters. And as if that isn't enough, I have been raped as a young adult more times than I can remember. Well, maybe it would be more accurate to say more times than I care to count.
So if anyone was not going to trust human beings across the board, you'd think it would be me. But it's not. I've actually learned that people in general in this world have pretty good hearts! I not only think that in my head, I feel that in my heart.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
However, I know that it is easier to put up high walls because the world is bad than face the fact that we might have some control over our lives. But to do so and shut out all help definitely keeps us trapped in our own victim behavior.
Victims are so used to not having control, they don't really know how to exercise it. Just like the self talk they have learned to keep themselves trapped, feeling like they are powerless to change their lives because it's everyone else out there is also a trap learned from their offenders.
The fact is that victims do tend to gravitate towards relationships where they will be victimized. Whether it be friends, love interests, business connections or professionals etc. abuse is our comfort zone. Just as we find making healthy changes difficult, we find surrounding ourselves with people who act in a healthy manner frightening. It is far easier to walk into a crowd of abusers than to walk into a crowd of nurturing people. We know how to act with the abusers. While nurturing people can be downright terrifying.
Just like the children of alcoholics think they are never going to grow up and be like their alcoholic parents only to find themselves caught in that trap. Victims of child abuse grow up and find themselves in unhealthy relationships. It is our behaviors that keep us trapped and we seek out those with similar behaviors. The ying and yang would be victims and offender. The key to getting free is by changing those behaviors.
We have to learn to step outside our comfort zone and trust that we will find help. That's a pretty tall order when our trust has been blown to smithereens. But we have to have faith. I don't know if it's faith in God or faith in others who have healed or just plain old blind faith, but to take that risk, or yet another risk, in the hopes of healing is the only way that we can be free of all of that childhood crap.
I hear from so many victims that they don't really care for people. As a matter of fact, when I hear that statement from someone, I'm pretty sure they are a victim whether they know it or not. It's one of those characteristics of victimization.
I know particularly the victims of childhood abuse tend to find themselves faced with offender type personalities throughout their lives. Instead of considering the possibility that it might be something about them that they seek out that type of person, they think that it is just all people are bad.
I wonder if the more severe childhood trauma ends with more severe adult trauma. I guess the reason that I wonder that is my history sounds like something out of fiction instead of real life.
Aside from being a victim of ritual abuse, I was molested by a creepy old man on the way to school and by my brother. And as an adult, I married not one, but two, batterers and child molesters. And as if that isn't enough, I have been raped as a young adult more times than I can remember. Well, maybe it would be more accurate to say more times than I care to count.
So if anyone was not going to trust human beings across the board, you'd think it would be me. But it's not. I've actually learned that people in general in this world have pretty good hearts! I not only think that in my head, I feel that in my heart.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
However, I know that it is easier to put up high walls because the world is bad than face the fact that we might have some control over our lives. But to do so and shut out all help definitely keeps us trapped in our own victim behavior.
Victims are so used to not having control, they don't really know how to exercise it. Just like the self talk they have learned to keep themselves trapped, feeling like they are powerless to change their lives because it's everyone else out there is also a trap learned from their offenders.
The fact is that victims do tend to gravitate towards relationships where they will be victimized. Whether it be friends, love interests, business connections or professionals etc. abuse is our comfort zone. Just as we find making healthy changes difficult, we find surrounding ourselves with people who act in a healthy manner frightening. It is far easier to walk into a crowd of abusers than to walk into a crowd of nurturing people. We know how to act with the abusers. While nurturing people can be downright terrifying.
Just like the children of alcoholics think they are never going to grow up and be like their alcoholic parents only to find themselves caught in that trap. Victims of child abuse grow up and find themselves in unhealthy relationships. It is our behaviors that keep us trapped and we seek out those with similar behaviors. The ying and yang would be victims and offender. The key to getting free is by changing those behaviors.
We have to learn to step outside our comfort zone and trust that we will find help. That's a pretty tall order when our trust has been blown to smithereens. But we have to have faith. I don't know if it's faith in God or faith in others who have healed or just plain old blind faith, but to take that risk, or yet another risk, in the hopes of healing is the only way that we can be free of all of that childhood crap.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Therapists - Help or Hinderance?? That All Depends
I can get pretty passionate about things from time to time. I have strong feelings about some things and am not really afraid to let anyone know about them. It gets me into trouble sometimes but I guess that's the way it goes. I believe that the only way the world can get to be a better place is by talking about the bad stuff that has happened.
One of the things I am most passionate about (besides Arabian horses lol) is the treatment of victims. I believe that the way the world is going to become a better place is by healing victims. Victims who are brave enough to seek help need to be able to count on that help. I have no time for 'bad' therapists!
A while back I wrote a post More Questions from Jumpinginpuddles in which I answered some questions from Amelia, one of the alters from the jumpinginpuddles system. The gist of the post was about Amelia having issues with the therapist when others in the system didn't and how it affected the entire system.
A comment from Lynn of Spilling Ink in Public was related to her What's Eating Me: Part Two My response to her post and to her comment on my post are both the same. I just want to protect her! I want to shield her from the pain she is experiencing because of an inappropriate response from her therapist. I want to find her a REAL therapist. AND I want to see that therapist lose his license! That's right, his license.
Ever since I read her post, I have wanted to respond to this situation but I needed some time to put my thoughts in order. This is such a serious subject that I didn't want to mess it up. Having been through the experience of a therapist's mistake almost killing me, I believe I've come to a place where I can now recognize a sick therapeutic relationship.
Unlike the relationship with the jumpinginpuddles system, Lynn's problem with her therapist is not a communication error between one alter in a system and a kind, caring and supportive therapist. Lynn is NOT so fortunate. "He told me that I was projecting my feelings about the rape onto my house and that if I could not live in the present moment, then I should find a psychiatrist so I could be medicated." Does this sound like a supportive therapist to you?
I think any caring therapist can make a mistake from time to time but in Lynn's case, I don't think this IS that kind of mistake! What happened to Lynn has to do with that therapist's values! And those values are opposed to all that healthy therapy is about! Any therapist that tells a victim anything that that translates to "now you know you're a victim, put it behind you and move on" isn't worth his/her weight in salt! Useless comes to mind for me.
All of the books, all of the conferences, all of the experts teach that a victim needs to deal with those feelings, NOT STUFF THEM! The very thought that this so called therapist suggested that she take drugs to just get it gone makes me want to scream. This is NOT therapeutic advice! It is destructive! It is toxic! It is so polluted with his own issues that there is no way it can be helpful!
I have been incensed by the inappropriateness of her therapist's response to Lynn. Then to see her comment on how she has protected herself even more because of his treatment, just infuriates me. Victims have a hard enough time healing without being victimized by their therapists!! Lynn's response to this treatment is typical victim behavior. She was victimized again and she's going to protect herself.
That is what happened to Lynn. She took the risk. Trusted the therapist with her deep dark secrets. He set her up wearing his therapist mask, promising to give her special care because of the circumstances. Then he pulled the rug right out from underneath her. Instead of giving her the support he promised, he punished her for trusting him. In that brief instant he dropped his mask and showed her his true colors. He showed her the unfeeling person that he really is. He humiliated her and he made her feel even more damaged than she already felt. He basically told her that her feelings were unimportant and that she was somehow crazy because she couldn't put it behind her.
With her history there was absolutely nothing unusual about the issues Lynn was experiencing. Triggering off of current things in her life, I think ALL of us victims do that! And we heal from it if some one caring helps us through those experiences. But to have a "fake" therapist do what Lynn's did, would be like a surgeon cutting you open and then just walking off and going home. The surgeon would get sued! This therapist is just as guilty of malpractice as any surgeon would be!
The therapeutic relationship has been so compromised by his inappropriate behavior, there is no way that Lynn can heal under his care. She has that "little voice" that he added screaming in the back of her head somewhere. If he really were concerned about Lynn and taking responsibility for his error, I think he would have found her a good replacement therapist so that Lynn had some chance of healing from what HE did to her and her other issues.
The very fact he thinks an apology can "fix" his transgression, tells me that he knows nothing about victims and what is healthy treatment for them. If he doesn't understand that he is not qualified to be treating Lynn or any other victim. My guess is Lynn is not the only one who has been damaged by this man.
Obviously I cannot fix this for Lynn but I can bring the subject up here and open it up for discussion. Victims being damaged by incompetent therapists is much too common. The only way that victims are going to know what is inappropriate behavior for a therapist is for situations just like this to be discussed. There is a fine line between being hooked by our own issues and being treated badly by a professional. I believe this situation is a clear case of the latter. Lynn's therapist really blew it. And Lynn is paying the price.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
One of the things I am most passionate about (besides Arabian horses lol) is the treatment of victims. I believe that the way the world is going to become a better place is by healing victims. Victims who are brave enough to seek help need to be able to count on that help. I have no time for 'bad' therapists!
A while back I wrote a post More Questions from Jumpinginpuddles in which I answered some questions from Amelia, one of the alters from the jumpinginpuddles system. The gist of the post was about Amelia having issues with the therapist when others in the system didn't and how it affected the entire system.
A comment from Lynn of Spilling Ink in Public was related to her What's Eating Me: Part Two My response to her post and to her comment on my post are both the same. I just want to protect her! I want to shield her from the pain she is experiencing because of an inappropriate response from her therapist. I want to find her a REAL therapist. AND I want to see that therapist lose his license! That's right, his license.
Ever since I read her post, I have wanted to respond to this situation but I needed some time to put my thoughts in order. This is such a serious subject that I didn't want to mess it up. Having been through the experience of a therapist's mistake almost killing me, I believe I've come to a place where I can now recognize a sick therapeutic relationship.
Unlike the relationship with the jumpinginpuddles system, Lynn's problem with her therapist is not a communication error between one alter in a system and a kind, caring and supportive therapist. Lynn is NOT so fortunate. "He told me that I was projecting my feelings about the rape onto my house and that if I could not live in the present moment, then I should find a psychiatrist so I could be medicated." Does this sound like a supportive therapist to you?
I think any caring therapist can make a mistake from time to time but in Lynn's case, I don't think this IS that kind of mistake! What happened to Lynn has to do with that therapist's values! And those values are opposed to all that healthy therapy is about! Any therapist that tells a victim anything that that translates to "now you know you're a victim, put it behind you and move on" isn't worth his/her weight in salt! Useless comes to mind for me.
All of the books, all of the conferences, all of the experts teach that a victim needs to deal with those feelings, NOT STUFF THEM! The very thought that this so called therapist suggested that she take drugs to just get it gone makes me want to scream. This is NOT therapeutic advice! It is destructive! It is toxic! It is so polluted with his own issues that there is no way it can be helpful!
I have been incensed by the inappropriateness of her therapist's response to Lynn. Then to see her comment on how she has protected herself even more because of his treatment, just infuriates me. Victims have a hard enough time healing without being victimized by their therapists!! Lynn's response to this treatment is typical victim behavior. She was victimized again and she's going to protect herself.
That is what happened to Lynn. She took the risk. Trusted the therapist with her deep dark secrets. He set her up wearing his therapist mask, promising to give her special care because of the circumstances. Then he pulled the rug right out from underneath her. Instead of giving her the support he promised, he punished her for trusting him. In that brief instant he dropped his mask and showed her his true colors. He showed her the unfeeling person that he really is. He humiliated her and he made her feel even more damaged than she already felt. He basically told her that her feelings were unimportant and that she was somehow crazy because she couldn't put it behind her.
With her history there was absolutely nothing unusual about the issues Lynn was experiencing. Triggering off of current things in her life, I think ALL of us victims do that! And we heal from it if some one caring helps us through those experiences. But to have a "fake" therapist do what Lynn's did, would be like a surgeon cutting you open and then just walking off and going home. The surgeon would get sued! This therapist is just as guilty of malpractice as any surgeon would be!
The therapeutic relationship has been so compromised by his inappropriate behavior, there is no way that Lynn can heal under his care. She has that "little voice" that he added screaming in the back of her head somewhere. If he really were concerned about Lynn and taking responsibility for his error, I think he would have found her a good replacement therapist so that Lynn had some chance of healing from what HE did to her and her other issues.
The very fact he thinks an apology can "fix" his transgression, tells me that he knows nothing about victims and what is healthy treatment for them. If he doesn't understand that he is not qualified to be treating Lynn or any other victim. My guess is Lynn is not the only one who has been damaged by this man.
Obviously I cannot fix this for Lynn but I can bring the subject up here and open it up for discussion. Victims being damaged by incompetent therapists is much too common. The only way that victims are going to know what is inappropriate behavior for a therapist is for situations just like this to be discussed. There is a fine line between being hooked by our own issues and being treated badly by a professional. I believe this situation is a clear case of the latter. Lynn's therapist really blew it. And Lynn is paying the price.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
Friday, November 30, 2007
Punishing the Parts Within?
In the comments on More Questions from Jumpinginpuddles I was asked by anonymous to do a series on accepting the abuse that happened when you really don't want to believe that it did.
Q: In other words how do you embrace the fact you've been abused and accept it without hurting yourself so bad to punish yourself.
I did a series on my therapy process that started with the post My "Real" Therapy While that covers the generalities of my journey, it probably doesn't address this issue as thoroughly as is needed here. I also did a series about Believe It or Not - Ritualistic Abuse which is also on target for this discussion.
But the fact is that while I still can find myself wondering from time to time if it all was real, I really have embraced my victimization and accepted it. Mostly because there is just nothing that explains me so well as this history.
Most of my life, I just didn't make much sense to anyone, let alone me. I felt like a duck out of water with no idea why. Today I know why for all of my little quirks. I know why my body hurts. I know why I'm afraid of snakes. I know why I'm so self conscious about my body. I know why I can't relate to being a child. I know why I'm so darn serious. There are a zillion things about me that now make sense.
I understand the night terrors that used to seize me. I understand why I didn't want to go to sleep until the sun rose in the morning. I know why I was that penitent seven year old sobbing during the stations of the cross each Good Friday. I know why I was never twenty-seven years old.
So as repulsive as it is, I accept it After all, it is what has made me who I am today. Through all of the pain, I have turned out to be a pretty durable person. I have more compassion, understanding and tolerance than most. Because I know what it's like to fall down in a major way and try to get back up. I know what it's like to need forgiveness.
And also what I have learned on this journey is that the world is not black and white. There are so many shades of gray out there it is mind boggling. Learning to recognize the shades of gray that affected my victimization was a huge step in being able to accept myself and see where the responsibility for my actions really belonged.
By being able to understand the circumstances that surrounded events, I was able to understand what influenced my decisions throughout my victimization. I was able to see that I really didn't have control. Because I didn't have control, the things I participated in, I did not do willingly. Even though I might have thought so at the time.
The series I did about taking away free will, Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns explains how the cult takes over control of a victim's mind so they can be manipulated to do whatever the cult wants. It explains the process and how "good kids" could be made to do such bad things.
I understand that the person who is asking me for this information hasn't come far enough in the journey to understand all of this. And I understand that me speaking as "I" here probably isn't making it any easier. But I speak in that form because my entire system believes this information to be true. Each of us, "we" believe it to be true that ALL of those things that were done by different parts of us were NOT our fault. They were the fault of our offenders!
So when we remembered something new and someone was swallowed up with guilt, the rest of us, comforted those aching parts. We did not blame them because we totally understood that they were victims too. Even when they didn't understand that they had been forced, the rest of us knew that they were. The rest of us understood that the freedom of choice had been removed a long time before.
Every time a voice inside wanted to say "OMG how could I have done such a thing?" Another voice or even voices inside said, "It was NOT your fault, you did what you had to do to survive." If we had to, we wrote the words over and over in our journal or in our book of rules. But we never let the blaming statement go unanswered. It was the fault of our offenders. ALL of it!!
While I have never cut myself or overdosed, I used to bang my head into walls. I have set myself up to fail so many times I can not even count, because I used to believe that I didn't deserve to breathe, let alone be successful in anything. I used to take unusual risks tempting fate to take my life. I was relentless at finding ways to abuse myself. But when I got into my "real" therapy that all came to a halt. I finally understood that the answers were coming.
I guess you could say I made a deal with myself not to do anything more to my body or my mind until I knew the whole story. I agreed to give myself a break until I knew for sure if I was really as evil as I thought. If I believed that I deserved punishment after everything was out in the open, then and only then would I do anything about it. And I would do it with my therapist overseeing it to be sure it was appropriate.
By the time the last story was told, all of me finally accepted that none of it had been "our" fault. It turned out that I wasn't evil at all. I didn't deserve to be punished. I firmly believe in my heart, that the same is true for you. It is not your fault and you do NOT deserve to be punished. To do so would only be continuing the abuse of your offenders.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism
Q: In other words how do you embrace the fact you've been abused and accept it without hurting yourself so bad to punish yourself.
I did a series on my therapy process that started with the post My "Real" Therapy While that covers the generalities of my journey, it probably doesn't address this issue as thoroughly as is needed here. I also did a series about Believe It or Not - Ritualistic Abuse which is also on target for this discussion.
But the fact is that while I still can find myself wondering from time to time if it all was real, I really have embraced my victimization and accepted it. Mostly because there is just nothing that explains me so well as this history.
Most of my life, I just didn't make much sense to anyone, let alone me. I felt like a duck out of water with no idea why. Today I know why for all of my little quirks. I know why my body hurts. I know why I'm afraid of snakes. I know why I'm so self conscious about my body. I know why I can't relate to being a child. I know why I'm so darn serious. There are a zillion things about me that now make sense.
I understand the night terrors that used to seize me. I understand why I didn't want to go to sleep until the sun rose in the morning. I know why I was that penitent seven year old sobbing during the stations of the cross each Good Friday. I know why I was never twenty-seven years old.
So as repulsive as it is, I accept it After all, it is what has made me who I am today. Through all of the pain, I have turned out to be a pretty durable person. I have more compassion, understanding and tolerance than most. Because I know what it's like to fall down in a major way and try to get back up. I know what it's like to need forgiveness.
And also what I have learned on this journey is that the world is not black and white. There are so many shades of gray out there it is mind boggling. Learning to recognize the shades of gray that affected my victimization was a huge step in being able to accept myself and see where the responsibility for my actions really belonged.
By being able to understand the circumstances that surrounded events, I was able to understand what influenced my decisions throughout my victimization. I was able to see that I really didn't have control. Because I didn't have control, the things I participated in, I did not do willingly. Even though I might have thought so at the time.
The series I did about taking away free will, Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns explains how the cult takes over control of a victim's mind so they can be manipulated to do whatever the cult wants. It explains the process and how "good kids" could be made to do such bad things.
I understand that the person who is asking me for this information hasn't come far enough in the journey to understand all of this. And I understand that me speaking as "I" here probably isn't making it any easier. But I speak in that form because my entire system believes this information to be true. Each of us, "we" believe it to be true that ALL of those things that were done by different parts of us were NOT our fault. They were the fault of our offenders!
So when we remembered something new and someone was swallowed up with guilt, the rest of us, comforted those aching parts. We did not blame them because we totally understood that they were victims too. Even when they didn't understand that they had been forced, the rest of us knew that they were. The rest of us understood that the freedom of choice had been removed a long time before.
Every time a voice inside wanted to say "OMG how could I have done such a thing?" Another voice or even voices inside said, "It was NOT your fault, you did what you had to do to survive." If we had to, we wrote the words over and over in our journal or in our book of rules. But we never let the blaming statement go unanswered. It was the fault of our offenders. ALL of it!!
While I have never cut myself or overdosed, I used to bang my head into walls. I have set myself up to fail so many times I can not even count, because I used to believe that I didn't deserve to breathe, let alone be successful in anything. I used to take unusual risks tempting fate to take my life. I was relentless at finding ways to abuse myself. But when I got into my "real" therapy that all came to a halt. I finally understood that the answers were coming.
I guess you could say I made a deal with myself not to do anything more to my body or my mind until I knew the whole story. I agreed to give myself a break until I knew for sure if I was really as evil as I thought. If I believed that I deserved punishment after everything was out in the open, then and only then would I do anything about it. And I would do it with my therapist overseeing it to be sure it was appropriate.
By the time the last story was told, all of me finally accepted that none of it had been "our" fault. It turned out that I wasn't evil at all. I didn't deserve to be punished. I firmly believe in my heart, that the same is true for you. It is not your fault and you do NOT deserve to be punished. To do so would only be continuing the abuse of your offenders.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism
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