Friday, January 11, 2008

My Thoughts on Integration - Part 4

Part 1

There are other parts within my system that are still separate because they belong to clusters of personalities. These clusters are related to children who are still keeping their silence. As long as part of the cluster needs to maintain walls, the others are affected as well. The walls can not come down completely between the others on the inside who are not part of these cluster.

That doesn't mean that those parts have full scale walls anymore. Their walls are only intact to the extent necessary to hold the necessary things inside. Parts with secrets have access to consciousness and a voice at all times, if they want it. We no longer have safeguards to keep any part quiet or out of touch.

While integration has never been my goal, my guess is that the professionals would say I have achieved it in some parts. Do any parts of me feel threatened because of this? Absolutely not, it is a non issue for us. We get stronger and stronger each day. We have bumps in our road of life just like anyone else but we have the skills to navigate those bumps with the least amount of stress to all within our system. That is what we trust and believe in.

Do we care if you refer to us as many or one? We have no inclinations either way. At this point in our recovery we see ourselves as one human being with several hundred parts united in one body. That is what matters. The picture we have is of an evolving person who is finally whole. Even with all our walls, we know that we are one.

If that means that total integration will someday have occurred we are ALL content. We all know that we will survive in our entirety. We know from what we have lived that we will feel as least as good then as we do now. No part will suffer or be lost. We know the actuality is we will probably notice little difference. And those around us won't have a clue. The changes are subtle and reaffirming

If on the other hand we join no closer together than we are now, we are ALL content with that as well. We're doing pretty darn well in living this dream of ours. Not suffering anymore because of that crap in our past would be just fine. We are a happy healthy human being.


Kahless said...

Your contentment with yourself always comes through in what you write.

jumpinginpuddles said...

we have caught up anmd read but we stil stand by what we say those who want to integrate inside will those who dont wont, good series and well written

Sister Sassy said...

What a courageous site, I'm sure your sharing and thoughts will help many survivors.

Missing In Sight said...


You always sound so positive and upbeat, I berate myself for not being as optimistic as you are.

Have you ever been so down on yourself you wanted to end it? How long and how did it take you to end up so positive and healthy?

Rising Rainbow said...

kahless, I am content with myself but I wasn't really aware that I convey that in my writing. Thanks for telling me.

jip, I hope you are doing well. I'm not trying to sell integration to anyone. All I'm trying to do is dispel some misconceptions. As I said it was never my or our goal.

sister sassy, thanks for visiting my blog and commenting here.

missing in sight, I used to live in the deepest,darkest depths of depression. I actually had a plan to end it all.

I think once I got into what I refer to as my "real" therapy it took me three years to come out the other side as I am today.

It is a process and I've certainly grown since then but within that three years I had accepted myself for who and what I am and was comfortable with that.

I can tell you that berating yourself because you aren't positive will not help you to get to a positive place. It will only drive you down deeper.

jumpinginpuddles said...

im sorry of the comment written by us seemed rude i hope it wasnt taken that way.

Rising Rainbow said...

jip, no, you don't need to worry about that. I was not offended but I did feel a twinge of sadness. Not for me, but for you.

Sometimes I think things within your system are more difficult than they need to be. I understand you will get "there" in your own time. I just wish the best for you and wish I could help with those difficulties.

jumpinginpuddles said...

can you please write and email and explain what you mean ?

allbigandlittle said...

Reading through the integration series made me think. I have a lot of inner turmoil, silencing and living under old rules. It causes a lot of out turmoil and fighting for forefront. A little pushes to the front, but is sadly silenced by old messages. She just wants to peek at the toys or just be acknowledged within the system. We are not playing well as a team. I feel like my system is a fully loaded chinese checkers board at combat. I think I need to revisit some ground rules.