Last year on this date, I was still recuperating from my trip to Tulsa for the US National All Arabian Horse Show when the news came across the airways that four police officers had been ambushed and murdered in my community. I was so exhausted from my trip, I didn't think much could phase me but the news of this terrible tragedy knocked me to my knees.
My entire community and the whole Pacific Northwest seemed to be right there with me. People across the nation were reeling as well. No one could fathom such an event happening yet there it was right there, smack dab in front of us, for all the world to see.
At the Forsa Coffee Company in Lakewood four officers getting coffee at the beginning of their shift were maliciously gunned down by a career criminal. Fast thinking baristas fleeing for their lives had enough sense to notice the white pickup truck that led to the perpetrator of this crime and his accomplice.
Broadcast across the world the memorial service for these fallen officers.
was only the beginnings of this story for my community. Over the past year we have gone from trying to care for the families of the fallen, remembrances of them at holidays and such, to witnessing the beginning of the trials of those who aided and abetted the fleeing gunman.
Still in disbelief, each time our wounds were reopened. We watched in horror as those involved in hiding the gunman tried to justify their behavior. We wondered how anyone could really believe there was a justification for hiding such a perpetrator. Before us the worst of what human nature has to offer.
We also watched the torn hearts and broken dreams of the families of the fallen officers sharing their stories or sitting there in the court room. There we saw strength and courage as these families put their personal feelings aside to honor the memories of their lost family members always being there to see their loved ones not forgotten and for justice to be served. Before us the best of what human nature has to offer.
Today on the anniversary of this tragic event a ceremony dedicating a memorial to these officers is being broadcast. To begin the acknowledgement of this day, family members went together to the Forsa Coffee Company and bought a cup of coffee at the exact moment their loved ones were gunned down one year ago today.
One of the speakers at the memorial service compared this tragic day to the explosion of the Challenger, the attack on the twin towers and the assassination of a president. I must admit that comparison rings true for me. My world was rocked as dramatically by this event as any of those national tragedies. My false perception of my safety was once again shaken to the core. If four police officers were no safer than that, how could I possibly feel safe in this world.
My all of my community has felt this fear, they have not succumbed to it. Instead of shrinking from this disturbing event, the community has embraced it as a way to honor these officers. From the beginning the families of the fallen have been taken under the wing of the community which has raised money for college funds for the children, seen to the day to day needs of the families, collected massive amounts of food in the names of the officers for those in need etc.
Funds were raised for two memorials to be built, one at the Forza Coffee Company and one at the Lakewood Police Station. The ceremony today officially dedicates these two memorials.
Once again, the tragic event of a year ago today is being used to gather food for those in need. Records for donations were already being broken before the ceremony was even finished. While these officers are gone from us, their memories are serving as an reminder of the strength and goodness people are capable of.
What better tribute could there be?
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Thoughts on a Blogger's Secret........
I posted on my horse blog about the loss of one of my blogging friends. I guess I posted about it there because most knew her as a horse blogger but my relationship with her spread over to this blog. There was an unspoken connection between the two of us rooted in childhood abuse.
She never shared her story with me. With family rules about keeping the secret firmly in place, she believed that talking was not the way free of the burden she carried. I'd hoped that by reading here she might learn another way. That was just not to be the case.
It became apparent to me over the last couple of years she was struggling with a deep dark depression. Things happened in her life that fed the growing darkness that consumed her. I made every gesture I could think of trying to extend a helping hand but she just could not bring herself to reach out She retreated from blogging and swallowed everything down.
We were supposed to meet when I made my trip to Tulsa last year. That didn't happen because she had major surgery right before my trip making her unable to mobilize enough to come my direction. She'd hoped to get someone to bring her but that didn't happen either. It was with a heavy heart I left Tulsa not having gotten the opportunity to meet her face to face.
She'd told me of all the bloggers she'd met, I was the one she most wanted to meet. I suspected the reason for that was the connection we formed here, through this blog. She was undaunted by the depth of my abuse while many untreated victims would run fast and furiously the other direction. I had hopes that connection and a good one on one experience might help her find a door to escape from the chains that had her so tightly caught.
Her last post made a few weeks before her death clearly indicated she was struggling even more. The last words have haunted me from the day I first read them. We made another date to meet in Tulsa in 2011. She consoled my about my lawsuit woes and she was so excited about the possibility of a do over in Tulsa I thought maybe things were better. I hoped that touching base in between would be some kind of help in any time of need.
I have thought about her often. Then Sunday morning I got an email from another blogger whose a regular reader of her blog. In the subject line was just her name. Immediately my heart sank. I feared she was dead. That is exactly what it turned out to be although the other blogger didn't tell me, just directed me to her blog where a comment was posted by a family member telling the world of her "passing on July 18."
I know no details about what happened to my friend. All I know is that she is dead and what I feel. I suspect suicide might be the culprit. I feel like I let her down. My heart breaks for this woman I have never met face to face but who has deeply touched my soul.
I will always wonder about the secret that trapped her. I will always wonder about the tragic murder of a family member early last year that pushed her farther over the edge. I will always wonder if I could have/should have done more. although I can't even imagine what "more" might have been.
The world lost a good one the day my friend died. There just are not enough people like her in this world.
She never shared her story with me. With family rules about keeping the secret firmly in place, she believed that talking was not the way free of the burden she carried. I'd hoped that by reading here she might learn another way. That was just not to be the case.
It became apparent to me over the last couple of years she was struggling with a deep dark depression. Things happened in her life that fed the growing darkness that consumed her. I made every gesture I could think of trying to extend a helping hand but she just could not bring herself to reach out She retreated from blogging and swallowed everything down.
We were supposed to meet when I made my trip to Tulsa last year. That didn't happen because she had major surgery right before my trip making her unable to mobilize enough to come my direction. She'd hoped to get someone to bring her but that didn't happen either. It was with a heavy heart I left Tulsa not having gotten the opportunity to meet her face to face.
She'd told me of all the bloggers she'd met, I was the one she most wanted to meet. I suspected the reason for that was the connection we formed here, through this blog. She was undaunted by the depth of my abuse while many untreated victims would run fast and furiously the other direction. I had hopes that connection and a good one on one experience might help her find a door to escape from the chains that had her so tightly caught.
Her last post made a few weeks before her death clearly indicated she was struggling even more. The last words have haunted me from the day I first read them. We made another date to meet in Tulsa in 2011. She consoled my about my lawsuit woes and she was so excited about the possibility of a do over in Tulsa I thought maybe things were better. I hoped that touching base in between would be some kind of help in any time of need.
I have thought about her often. Then Sunday morning I got an email from another blogger whose a regular reader of her blog. In the subject line was just her name. Immediately my heart sank. I feared she was dead. That is exactly what it turned out to be although the other blogger didn't tell me, just directed me to her blog where a comment was posted by a family member telling the world of her "passing on July 18."
I know no details about what happened to my friend. All I know is that she is dead and what I feel. I suspect suicide might be the culprit. I feel like I let her down. My heart breaks for this woman I have never met face to face but who has deeply touched my soul.
I will always wonder about the secret that trapped her. I will always wonder about the tragic murder of a family member early last year that pushed her farther over the edge. I will always wonder if I could have/should have done more. although I can't even imagine what "more" might have been.
The world lost a good one the day my friend died. There just are not enough people like her in this world.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Unexpected Surprise
I must have done something right. I was talking on the phone with my youngest son today. He is in a relationship with a young woman who has a small child.
Up until recently Son hasn't been dating for quite a while because he's made some not so good choices in women in the past. He's tended to leap before he looks and in the past chose two different women who turned out to be stalkers. Watching him stumble around making these mistakes wasn't pretty and his life was a mess.
He took some time off dating to get his finances in order and figure out his priorities. He's learned a lot about himself and has taken responsibility for his life being a mess. His focus has changed and he's thinking he's ready for a relationship.
Enter the woman with small child. While Son loves kids he's never had to deal with one in a relationship before. He's not afraid of the challenge but it is indeed a challenge he's trying to figure out so.....what did my son do..............he talked to this woman about the problem he was having.
He told me today how he appreciated me teaching him the importance of communication. Instead of bottling it all up, he had a real talk with the woman and they worked things out. Can you imagine that! I have a child who actually learned something helpful about relationships from me. I thought I would never see that!
My other children and even my husband look at me like I'm speaking Greek whenever I try to resolve anything around here. They're all firm believers in stuffing things hoping they'll go away.
I spent years in therapy hoping my children would have a better life because of the changes I made. Yet most everyone chose not to follow in my footsteps. Now here's number two son actually putting into practice what he learned from me. I am beside myself with pride!
Up until recently Son hasn't been dating for quite a while because he's made some not so good choices in women in the past. He's tended to leap before he looks and in the past chose two different women who turned out to be stalkers. Watching him stumble around making these mistakes wasn't pretty and his life was a mess.
He took some time off dating to get his finances in order and figure out his priorities. He's learned a lot about himself and has taken responsibility for his life being a mess. His focus has changed and he's thinking he's ready for a relationship.
Enter the woman with small child. While Son loves kids he's never had to deal with one in a relationship before. He's not afraid of the challenge but it is indeed a challenge he's trying to figure out so.....what did my son do..............he talked to this woman about the problem he was having.
He told me today how he appreciated me teaching him the importance of communication. Instead of bottling it all up, he had a real talk with the woman and they worked things out. Can you imagine that! I have a child who actually learned something helpful about relationships from me. I thought I would never see that!
My other children and even my husband look at me like I'm speaking Greek whenever I try to resolve anything around here. They're all firm believers in stuffing things hoping they'll go away.
I spent years in therapy hoping my children would have a better life because of the changes I made. Yet most everyone chose not to follow in my footsteps. Now here's number two son actually putting into practice what he learned from me. I am beside myself with pride!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Journey at the Dentist
With all the stuff going on in my life the last thing I really need is a dentist appointment. To be perfectly honest it really wouldn't matter if life was sailing smoothly, the dentist is NOT my favorite thing.
Dave's insurance benefits might just end in March so I really needed to get one more crown done before I lost that option. With the price of crowns being what it is there's not much chance I'll get this done without insurance so Dave made me an appointment.
The stress starts for me the moment the appointment is made. Just the thought of going to the dentist can make me sweat. For some reason this time, the prospect of a dentist appointment made me sick to my stomach. I was beginning to wonder if I'd even make this appointment.
I try to remind myself this particular dentist is as OK in my book as a dentist can be. She is kind and has small hands which are of big importance to me. While some might think I have a big mouth, I actually have a very small one. My face is narrow so my mouth is small and I'm told my teeth are tiny. Most dentists have trouble getting their hands in my mouth and they really have trouble adjusting a crown as small as the ones I need.
As you can imagine big hands not only do damage by tearing the corners of my mouth but they make that feeling I am being suffocated grow exponentially. I am thankful for this petite dentist with her tiny hands even if I do still want to run.
I managed to get through not one appointment but two. Today I had the permanent crown seated. I would say it was relatively painless but the fact is the injection of Novocaine was horrible. It took all the restraint I could muster to keep myself in the chair.
Once I start an appointment off in that manner, it's tough to keep myself present for the rest of the procedure. Hanging from the ceiling watching myself be "tortured" in the chair is easiest....... even though I understand this really isn't torture.
The problem is it triggers flashbacks of torture. I just can't seem to get myself through a dentist appointment without some kind of memory flooding my brain. Today, it was the sounds of tortured children screaming in despair.
I didn't want to see their faces. I told myself I didn't need to go there. Instead I tried to focus on the crown and where the darn thing was hitting so the dentist could adjust my bite. I'm sure she must have wondered where I was because I was having trouble keeping myself on task. Those voices were more powerful than hers.
I was glad when the adjustments were over and I could flee. The voices followed me, however, until the Novocaine finally wore off sometime this afternoon. I can't help but wonder how Novocaine is somehow a trigger for me.
Dave's insurance benefits might just end in March so I really needed to get one more crown done before I lost that option. With the price of crowns being what it is there's not much chance I'll get this done without insurance so Dave made me an appointment.
The stress starts for me the moment the appointment is made. Just the thought of going to the dentist can make me sweat. For some reason this time, the prospect of a dentist appointment made me sick to my stomach. I was beginning to wonder if I'd even make this appointment.
I try to remind myself this particular dentist is as OK in my book as a dentist can be. She is kind and has small hands which are of big importance to me. While some might think I have a big mouth, I actually have a very small one. My face is narrow so my mouth is small and I'm told my teeth are tiny. Most dentists have trouble getting their hands in my mouth and they really have trouble adjusting a crown as small as the ones I need.
As you can imagine big hands not only do damage by tearing the corners of my mouth but they make that feeling I am being suffocated grow exponentially. I am thankful for this petite dentist with her tiny hands even if I do still want to run.
I managed to get through not one appointment but two. Today I had the permanent crown seated. I would say it was relatively painless but the fact is the injection of Novocaine was horrible. It took all the restraint I could muster to keep myself in the chair.
Once I start an appointment off in that manner, it's tough to keep myself present for the rest of the procedure. Hanging from the ceiling watching myself be "tortured" in the chair is easiest....... even though I understand this really isn't torture.
The problem is it triggers flashbacks of torture. I just can't seem to get myself through a dentist appointment without some kind of memory flooding my brain. Today, it was the sounds of tortured children screaming in despair.
I didn't want to see their faces. I told myself I didn't need to go there. Instead I tried to focus on the crown and where the darn thing was hitting so the dentist could adjust my bite. I'm sure she must have wondered where I was because I was having trouble keeping myself on task. Those voices were more powerful than hers.
I was glad when the adjustments were over and I could flee. The voices followed me, however, until the Novocaine finally wore off sometime this afternoon. I can't help but wonder how Novocaine is somehow a trigger for me.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Now What.....
Somehow I ended up with my private blog as a public one. I'm not quite sure how that happened but when it did it erased all those with permission to read that blog.
Luckily I caught the change right away and was able to reset the blog to private but had to resend the invitations to that blog. I hope I didn't miss anyone when I did that. If you didn't get an invitation, please email.
I had a blog post pretty well formed in my mind. Once this mess happened I totally spaced on what that was so now I'm here posting again about my computer issues instead of what I intended. Hopefully whatever it was will come back to me. Getting old sucks........
Luckily I caught the change right away and was able to reset the blog to private but had to resend the invitations to that blog. I hope I didn't miss anyone when I did that. If you didn't get an invitation, please email.
I had a blog post pretty well formed in my mind. Once this mess happened I totally spaced on what that was so now I'm here posting again about my computer issues instead of what I intended. Hopefully whatever it was will come back to me. Getting old sucks........
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Computer Issues
I am experiencing computer issues so have been down since Friday night. In addition I may have lost some incoming emails with requests to view my private blog. If you haven't received an invitation please resend your request just in case it's lost in this mess.
I have my computer back but can't get onto the internet. I am currently limping along on Dave's laptop so probably won't be doing regular posts or reading blogs until I get my computer fixed. I'll post again when that happens. Until then I'll be working on learning some patience...........
I have my computer back but can't get onto the internet. I am currently limping along on Dave's laptop so probably won't be doing regular posts or reading blogs until I get my computer fixed. I'll post again when that happens. Until then I'll be working on learning some patience...........
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Sad News
Why is it that when you think you have all you can handle, life seems to throw something else your way? Realistically if I could answer this question I probably would be rich. The fact is there probably is no rhyme or reason to why things happen they just do.
I guess you can probably tell where I'm going with this. Life has been hard here lately. While I know I'll get through it the struggle is still difficult. I could really use a break.
Instead of that break, I got more bad news. Last Friday when I was taking my first load of horses home, I thought I saw a friend's car following me. The car turned onto my road behind me and then it followed me into my driveway. I knew instantly that something must be up.
As I got out of my truck to open our gates, I wondered what that could possibly be. By the time I walked back to my truck to drive into my yard, my friend's husband was coming towards. NOW I knew it was definitely NOT good. I braced myself for bad news.
Bad news is exactly what I got. My friend, my dear friend is dying. It is just a matter of time. She's been sick with emphysema for years and has been on oxygen but despite that she's done pretty well managing her disease. That is until November when one of her lungs collapsed.
It takes a minimum of three months for a collapsed lung to heal. Until that time the function of that lung is impaired. Having a disease that's already compromised her lung function, this collapse put more strain on her other organs as they struggled to function without adequate oxygen.
Last Monday, my friend had a heart attack. Her heart could not tolerate the additional work it required to get more blood flowing to compensate for the lack of oxygen being taken in by her lungs. The end result was massage damage to her heart.
The doctors did extensive tests and my friend's heart is toast. Only a miracle will save my friend. With both her lungs and her heart compromised it's just a matter of time.
The thought leaves me physically ill. I can't even imagine a world without this friend. She is one of the few if not only people in my life who has never betrayed me.........not in even the least little way. She has been there for me despite the vast differences in our beliefs. She has never expected me to conform to her beliefs as I have never expected her to conform to mine. We've been friends regardless of the chasm that separates us in those differences.
We have some basic things in common. We both love horses. We believe that friends are there for friends. We believe life is more precious than money. We are firm believers in loyalty.
But oh are we worlds apart on other things. She is extremely prejudiced against some races as well as sexual persuasions. I am not. She is very black and white. I gave that up many years ago. She is a fanatical church goer and along with that goes some pretty extreme religious beliefs. And of course, not me. Politically we're on the opposite sides of the fence as well.
We are a strange pair to say the least. We don't see each other often. But we always know the other is there. A person that can be counted on in this day and age is a rare thing, I think. I am not really to give her up.
I guess you can probably tell where I'm going with this. Life has been hard here lately. While I know I'll get through it the struggle is still difficult. I could really use a break.
Instead of that break, I got more bad news. Last Friday when I was taking my first load of horses home, I thought I saw a friend's car following me. The car turned onto my road behind me and then it followed me into my driveway. I knew instantly that something must be up.
As I got out of my truck to open our gates, I wondered what that could possibly be. By the time I walked back to my truck to drive into my yard, my friend's husband was coming towards. NOW I knew it was definitely NOT good. I braced myself for bad news.
Bad news is exactly what I got. My friend, my dear friend is dying. It is just a matter of time. She's been sick with emphysema for years and has been on oxygen but despite that she's done pretty well managing her disease. That is until November when one of her lungs collapsed.
It takes a minimum of three months for a collapsed lung to heal. Until that time the function of that lung is impaired. Having a disease that's already compromised her lung function, this collapse put more strain on her other organs as they struggled to function without adequate oxygen.
Last Monday, my friend had a heart attack. Her heart could not tolerate the additional work it required to get more blood flowing to compensate for the lack of oxygen being taken in by her lungs. The end result was massage damage to her heart.
The doctors did extensive tests and my friend's heart is toast. Only a miracle will save my friend. With both her lungs and her heart compromised it's just a matter of time.
The thought leaves me physically ill. I can't even imagine a world without this friend. She is one of the few if not only people in my life who has never betrayed me.........not in even the least little way. She has been there for me despite the vast differences in our beliefs. She has never expected me to conform to her beliefs as I have never expected her to conform to mine. We've been friends regardless of the chasm that separates us in those differences.
We have some basic things in common. We both love horses. We believe that friends are there for friends. We believe life is more precious than money. We are firm believers in loyalty.
But oh are we worlds apart on other things. She is extremely prejudiced against some races as well as sexual persuasions. I am not. She is very black and white. I gave that up many years ago. She is a fanatical church goer and along with that goes some pretty extreme religious beliefs. And of course, not me. Politically we're on the opposite sides of the fence as well.
We are a strange pair to say the least. We don't see each other often. But we always know the other is there. A person that can be counted on in this day and age is a rare thing, I think. I am not really to give her up.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Weary Traveller
I am finally home. It seems like I've been gone forever when it's only been seventeen days. Regardless, I am exhausted after leaving Tulsa on Sunday morning at 8 am and arriving here at just before noon today. Taking time zones into account that's fifty-eight hours of travel time.
I am safe and the horses are safe. Although I would say that at least some of us are worse for wear due to this experience. Details to follow when I've gotten a chance to sleep.
I am safe and the horses are safe. Although I would say that at least some of us are worse for wear due to this experience. Details to follow when I've gotten a chance to sleep.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Lift Off
Just a quick post to say the count down is over and we have lift off. If that doesn't make any sense to you it translates to I will be leaving in the morning for Tulsa.
Dave is letting me take his laptop so I hope to be doing some posting from Tulsa. It looks like I'll be getting there in about four days. Hopefully I'll get some sleep over that time and it won't take me a week to recuperate from the trip. I'll be checking in when I can........wish me luck..........
Dave is letting me take his laptop so I hope to be doing some posting from Tulsa. It looks like I'll be getting there in about four days. Hopefully I'll get some sleep over that time and it won't take me a week to recuperate from the trip. I'll be checking in when I can........wish me luck..........
Monday, October 12, 2009
More Processing...........
Currently I am just trying to keep focused on nationals. If I can just get there and show my horses maybe something will break loose and I'll get some cash flow going. If not I'll have to deal with that then.
As for all these other things, I'm still trying to figure things out. While horses have been good therapy for me, these upheavals lately have really compromised that. I'm trying to find a way to get myself centered again and back on track.
The thing that keeps running through my mind is closing myself off to protect myself. Bringing my horse thing down to a point I don't need to rely on anyone else might be more manageable. Only I'm not sure that isn't giving up on my dream and a betrayal of myself.
The dream started out wanting an Arabian horse. Over the years it has grown and changed. Now it is a much bigger scale and the scale really feels right to me. It is the backlash I have gotten that has affected me.
Obviously I cannot take care of all of these horses by myself. To have help is going to take money. Money is something I do not have. If I can't generate enough to accomplish this something will have to give.
I still haven't figured out what that something will be. Will it be my dream? Or will it be me? Can I still get "there" if I continue on this roller coaster ride? Or will the cost be too great? More questions without answers. Only time will tell.........
As for all these other things, I'm still trying to figure things out. While horses have been good therapy for me, these upheavals lately have really compromised that. I'm trying to find a way to get myself centered again and back on track.
The thing that keeps running through my mind is closing myself off to protect myself. Bringing my horse thing down to a point I don't need to rely on anyone else might be more manageable. Only I'm not sure that isn't giving up on my dream and a betrayal of myself.
The dream started out wanting an Arabian horse. Over the years it has grown and changed. Now it is a much bigger scale and the scale really feels right to me. It is the backlash I have gotten that has affected me.
Obviously I cannot take care of all of these horses by myself. To have help is going to take money. Money is something I do not have. If I can't generate enough to accomplish this something will have to give.
I still haven't figured out what that something will be. Will it be my dream? Or will it be me? Can I still get "there" if I continue on this roller coaster ride? Or will the cost be too great? More questions without answers. Only time will tell.........
Sunday, October 11, 2009
More Complications
Not long ago Angie, Richard, Dave and I had a meeting. Richard had decided we needed a meeting before we continue our relationship. The need for this meeting had arisen because I had asked a question that Richard had taken differently than I intended.
The questions was "Are we working horses today or not.?" Richard took it that I was accusing him of not doing right by our agreement. While I have felt that he's not been taking care of our business lately, that was not the motivation of that question at the time. It was strictly about my time and deciding how I was spending it that day.
During the course of this meeting it became clear that Angie and Richard have decided that Rachel is a great kid. While that might be true it doesn't change the fact that she does not treat me any differently than her mother does. She is defensive about everything and anything I say to her, making a productive relationship impossible.
Angie was loaded with instances that she saw as me being the problem in my relationship with Rachel. She didn't know what was behind these instances or anything more than what she saw but she still sided with Rachel. After our discussion she saw things differently but I doubt it will change her jumping to conclusions in the future.
She also made the comment that I am supposed to be the adult. Granted she was trying to be helpful but at the same time how helpful can one be taking sides. If she was actively trying to see both sides, I might see her as helpful but it is clear that's not the case.
I explained to Angie how being the adult does not protect me from my feelings being linked with physical torture. I must protect myself if I am to survive and that both Rachel and Colleen are aware that this linking is a problem but fail to consider it in their decisions. They still proceed with things that could have a compromise and not cause me any pain. Yet they are more interested in being in control than working things out.
I really don't believe it is anyone's problem that I have this issue. However, I do believe that if you care for someone, you take their issues into account when it is appropriate. For Rachel and Colleen to ignore their behavior towards me can trigger that physical torture linking seems unfeeling and is the reason I chose to keep my distance from them. Whether or not Angie and Richard really get that I don't know but so far I think not.
Like I said before, I think Richard and Angie both have placed themselves right smack in the middle of the issues with my daughter and my granddaughter. While I have been trying to deal with the external assaults on my business, I have also been trying to wade through this mess in my daily life. I am in this situation five days a week. It affects me both personally and within my business.
If that isn't enough, Angie recently did something I consider to be unethical. She bought something out from underneath me that I really needed and she knew it was intended for me. Still it was something she wanted so she took it knowing full well it had been promised to me.
This betrayal has had a powerful effect on me. I no longer feel safe using their facility at all. Yet, not using it will make things difficult in getting done what I need to with my horses not to mention the fact that I am "supposed" to be there for at least another year. What I'm going to do about this, I"m still trying to get figured out.
That leaves me with not just the issue with them being in the middle with my daughter and granddaughter but there is this other personal betrayal as well. It is no wonder I do not feel safe and my world is feeling like it's turning upside down. A week hasn't gone by since the turmoil started in June when some new twist has not been thrown into the mix. It's no wonder I don't know which way is up or which way I should turn.
The questions was "Are we working horses today or not.?" Richard took it that I was accusing him of not doing right by our agreement. While I have felt that he's not been taking care of our business lately, that was not the motivation of that question at the time. It was strictly about my time and deciding how I was spending it that day.
During the course of this meeting it became clear that Angie and Richard have decided that Rachel is a great kid. While that might be true it doesn't change the fact that she does not treat me any differently than her mother does. She is defensive about everything and anything I say to her, making a productive relationship impossible.
Angie was loaded with instances that she saw as me being the problem in my relationship with Rachel. She didn't know what was behind these instances or anything more than what she saw but she still sided with Rachel. After our discussion she saw things differently but I doubt it will change her jumping to conclusions in the future.
She also made the comment that I am supposed to be the adult. Granted she was trying to be helpful but at the same time how helpful can one be taking sides. If she was actively trying to see both sides, I might see her as helpful but it is clear that's not the case.
I explained to Angie how being the adult does not protect me from my feelings being linked with physical torture. I must protect myself if I am to survive and that both Rachel and Colleen are aware that this linking is a problem but fail to consider it in their decisions. They still proceed with things that could have a compromise and not cause me any pain. Yet they are more interested in being in control than working things out.
I really don't believe it is anyone's problem that I have this issue. However, I do believe that if you care for someone, you take their issues into account when it is appropriate. For Rachel and Colleen to ignore their behavior towards me can trigger that physical torture linking seems unfeeling and is the reason I chose to keep my distance from them. Whether or not Angie and Richard really get that I don't know but so far I think not.
Like I said before, I think Richard and Angie both have placed themselves right smack in the middle of the issues with my daughter and my granddaughter. While I have been trying to deal with the external assaults on my business, I have also been trying to wade through this mess in my daily life. I am in this situation five days a week. It affects me both personally and within my business.
If that isn't enough, Angie recently did something I consider to be unethical. She bought something out from underneath me that I really needed and she knew it was intended for me. Still it was something she wanted so she took it knowing full well it had been promised to me.
This betrayal has had a powerful effect on me. I no longer feel safe using their facility at all. Yet, not using it will make things difficult in getting done what I need to with my horses not to mention the fact that I am "supposed" to be there for at least another year. What I'm going to do about this, I"m still trying to get figured out.
That leaves me with not just the issue with them being in the middle with my daughter and granddaughter but there is this other personal betrayal as well. It is no wonder I do not feel safe and my world is feeling like it's turning upside down. A week hasn't gone by since the turmoil started in June when some new twist has not been thrown into the mix. It's no wonder I don't know which way is up or which way I should turn.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
More Stuff
Something occurred to me this morning that I really hadn't seen. Before I get into this epiphany, I probably should start with a little history. The major players are those same ones that have been knocking around for months...... my granddaughter, Rachel, her mother, Colleen, along with Richard and Angie, the people who own the facility where I ride.
Richard has been helping me get young horses started under saddle. You would think that could be accomplished without involving my daughter or my granddaughter and in the beginning that seemed to be the case. However, over the course of the last year the other players in that environment have changed. Jessica, Richard's original "dead weight" candidate is no longer there nor is Cody his second choice. Pretty much the predominate player (kid under the mentorship program) now in Angie and Richard's lives turns out to be my granddaughter, Rachel.
Now, I don't know if I stated this here before but Colleen and Rachel got involved at Angie and Richard's at my request. As much as I wanted to distance Rachel and Colleen from me and my horses, I didn't want them to lose horses in their lives AND I wanted them on the right track. I made the recommendations that got them started with both their what was supposed to be their first horse and the help they needed to make that work. That help was Richard.
In the beginning I was told they (Angie and Richard) did not want their involvement with Colleen and Rachel to interfere with their friendship with me. Before they would allow that to happen they would ask my granddaughter and my daughter to leave. They only took on Rachel with this new horse because I asked. I thought that meant I would be safe and maybe there would be some hope that all of this could get resolved.
However, that has not turned out to be the case. Over this past year, they have taken Rachel under their wing and decided she needs to be protected from her mother. In doing that Rachel appears to be living with Angie and Richard most of the time. She has become like one of their children, so to speak, and they now rarely see her issues with me. Those issues seem to have become solely "my problem."
As part of this thing with Rachel and I being in the same place, I have made it clear that I do not want Rachel involved with my horses. As long as she does not respect me, I don't want her reaping the benefits of my horses. Just because she respects Richard and Angie does not mean she has learned or gained any new respect for me despite Richard's instance that is the case.
The two main issues here have to do with Richard using 'dead weight' to start horses with Rachel now being his only competent source of "dead weight" and me not wanting Rachel involved with my horses. Now is the time of the year when we need to be getting young stock broke to ride.........and Richard says I have tied his hands by not allowing him to utilize Rachel.
It didn't really occur to me until this morning that I need to tell Richard Rachel is the one who has tied his hands. He is blaming me for the situation instead of seeing it as a consequence of Rachel's bad behavior towards me. He certainly is in the position he could tell Rachel she needs to shape up.........but he refuses to "get in the middle." Funny it sounds to me like right smack dab in the middle is exactly where he has placed himself. What do you think?
Richard has been helping me get young horses started under saddle. You would think that could be accomplished without involving my daughter or my granddaughter and in the beginning that seemed to be the case. However, over the course of the last year the other players in that environment have changed. Jessica, Richard's original "dead weight" candidate is no longer there nor is Cody his second choice. Pretty much the predominate player (kid under the mentorship program) now in Angie and Richard's lives turns out to be my granddaughter, Rachel.
Now, I don't know if I stated this here before but Colleen and Rachel got involved at Angie and Richard's at my request. As much as I wanted to distance Rachel and Colleen from me and my horses, I didn't want them to lose horses in their lives AND I wanted them on the right track. I made the recommendations that got them started with both their what was supposed to be their first horse and the help they needed to make that work. That help was Richard.
In the beginning I was told they (Angie and Richard) did not want their involvement with Colleen and Rachel to interfere with their friendship with me. Before they would allow that to happen they would ask my granddaughter and my daughter to leave. They only took on Rachel with this new horse because I asked. I thought that meant I would be safe and maybe there would be some hope that all of this could get resolved.
However, that has not turned out to be the case. Over this past year, they have taken Rachel under their wing and decided she needs to be protected from her mother. In doing that Rachel appears to be living with Angie and Richard most of the time. She has become like one of their children, so to speak, and they now rarely see her issues with me. Those issues seem to have become solely "my problem."
As part of this thing with Rachel and I being in the same place, I have made it clear that I do not want Rachel involved with my horses. As long as she does not respect me, I don't want her reaping the benefits of my horses. Just because she respects Richard and Angie does not mean she has learned or gained any new respect for me despite Richard's instance that is the case.
The two main issues here have to do with Richard using 'dead weight' to start horses with Rachel now being his only competent source of "dead weight" and me not wanting Rachel involved with my horses. Now is the time of the year when we need to be getting young stock broke to ride.........and Richard says I have tied his hands by not allowing him to utilize Rachel.
It didn't really occur to me until this morning that I need to tell Richard Rachel is the one who has tied his hands. He is blaming me for the situation instead of seeing it as a consequence of Rachel's bad behavior towards me. He certainly is in the position he could tell Rachel she needs to shape up.........but he refuses to "get in the middle." Funny it sounds to me like right smack dab in the middle is exactly where he has placed himself. What do you think?
Friday, October 9, 2009
Responsibility
Something occurred to me this morning that I really hadn't seen until then but before I get into what I saw, I probably should start with a little history. The major players are those same ones that have been knocking around from months...... my granddaughter, Rachel, her mother, Colleen and Richard and Angie, the people who own the facility where I ride.
Richard has been helping me get young horses started under saddle. You would think that could be accomplished without involving me daughter or my granddaughter and in the beginning that seemed to be the case. However, over the course of the last year the other players in that environment have changed. Jessica, Richard's original "dead weight" candidate is no longer there nor is Cody his second choice. Pretty much the predominate player (kid under the mentorship program) now in Angie and Richard's lives turns out to be my granddaughter, Rachel.
Now, I don't know if I stated this here before but Colleen and Rachel got involved at Angie and Richard's at my request. As much as I wanted to distance Rachel and Colleen from me and my horses, I didn't want them to lose horses in their lives AND I wanted them on the right track. I made the recommendations that got them started with both their what was supposed to be their first horse and got them the help they needed to make that work. That help was Richard.
In the beginning I was told they (Angie and Richard) did not want their involvement with Colleen and Rachel to interfere with the friendship with me. Before they would allow that to happen they would ask my granddaughter and my daughter to leave. They only took on Rachel with this new horse because I asked. I thought that meant I would be safe and maybe there would be some hope that all of this could get resolved.
However, that has not turned out to be the case. Over this past year, they have taken Rachel under their wing and decided she needs to be protected from her mother. In doing that Rachel appears to be living with Angie and Richard most of the time. She has become like one of their children, so to speak, and they now rarely see her issues with me. They seem to have become "my problem."
As part of this thing with Rachel and I being in the same place, I have made it clear that I do not want Rachel involved with my horses. As long as she does not respect me, I don't want her reaping the benefits of my horses. Just because she respects Richard and Angie does not mean she has learned or gained any new respect for me despite Richard's instance that is the case.
The two main issues here have to do with Richard using 'dead weight' to start horses with Rachel now being his only competent source of that and me not wanting Rachel involved with my horses. Now is the time of the year when we need to be getting young stock broke to ride.........and Richard says I have tied his hands by not allowing him to utilize Rachel.
It didn't really occur to me until this morning that I need to tell Richard Rachel is the one who has tied his hands. He is blaming me for the situation instead of seeing it as a consequence of Rachel's bad behavior towards me. He certainly is in the position he could tell Rachel she needs to shape up.........but he refuses to "get in the middle." Funny it sounds to be like right smack dab in the middle is exactly where he has placed himself. What do you think?
Richard has been helping me get young horses started under saddle. You would think that could be accomplished without involving me daughter or my granddaughter and in the beginning that seemed to be the case. However, over the course of the last year the other players in that environment have changed. Jessica, Richard's original "dead weight" candidate is no longer there nor is Cody his second choice. Pretty much the predominate player (kid under the mentorship program) now in Angie and Richard's lives turns out to be my granddaughter, Rachel.
Now, I don't know if I stated this here before but Colleen and Rachel got involved at Angie and Richard's at my request. As much as I wanted to distance Rachel and Colleen from me and my horses, I didn't want them to lose horses in their lives AND I wanted them on the right track. I made the recommendations that got them started with both their what was supposed to be their first horse and got them the help they needed to make that work. That help was Richard.
In the beginning I was told they (Angie and Richard) did not want their involvement with Colleen and Rachel to interfere with the friendship with me. Before they would allow that to happen they would ask my granddaughter and my daughter to leave. They only took on Rachel with this new horse because I asked. I thought that meant I would be safe and maybe there would be some hope that all of this could get resolved.
However, that has not turned out to be the case. Over this past year, they have taken Rachel under their wing and decided she needs to be protected from her mother. In doing that Rachel appears to be living with Angie and Richard most of the time. She has become like one of their children, so to speak, and they now rarely see her issues with me. They seem to have become "my problem."
As part of this thing with Rachel and I being in the same place, I have made it clear that I do not want Rachel involved with my horses. As long as she does not respect me, I don't want her reaping the benefits of my horses. Just because she respects Richard and Angie does not mean she has learned or gained any new respect for me despite Richard's instance that is the case.
The two main issues here have to do with Richard using 'dead weight' to start horses with Rachel now being his only competent source of that and me not wanting Rachel involved with my horses. Now is the time of the year when we need to be getting young stock broke to ride.........and Richard says I have tied his hands by not allowing him to utilize Rachel.
It didn't really occur to me until this morning that I need to tell Richard Rachel is the one who has tied his hands. He is blaming me for the situation instead of seeing it as a consequence of Rachel's bad behavior towards me. He certainly is in the position he could tell Rachel she needs to shape up.........but he refuses to "get in the middle." Funny it sounds to be like right smack dab in the middle is exactly where he has placed himself. What do you think?
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Messes............
Wow, I'm on a blogging roll here. Four posts written in one morning. I thought I'd take advantage of the "flow from my tired brain" while it was here. Once I shift gears and get back to getting ready for my trip, this may all disappear. I didn't want to take any chances and not post what's going on with me.
I am trying to clean up a lot of my messes here before I go. I hate coming home to a house piled in undone chores. Despite cleaning up my own messes, I am sure to come home to plenty of chaos left by Lindsay and Dave while I am gone.
That worries me............not the stuff in the house as much as what might be left undone with my horses. Food and water are essential to their survival but I don't trust Lindsay nor Dave to be diligent. They aren't when I'm here and I have seen evidence that they aren't when I am away. I wish I could count on someone checking up on them. The length of time I will be gone could be critical to a horse not getting water.
Their care is on again off again despite my requests for more diligence. It's hard for me to comprehend this acceptance of mediocrity by my husband and my daughter. I suppose I could chalk Lindsay's up to her brain damage but I am not an enabler. My pushing her past that barrier supplies by her doctors is why she functions as well as she does. I will not stop pushing as long as it gives her a better quality of life.
I guess the same is probably true for Dave. He is his own worst enemy. Like his mother, he can wallow in the horses being too much work, even though he would probably die being a couch potato. The only exercise he does is horse related so I continue to push.
The underlying message here is my dream is dependant upon their help. They say they are committed to helping but that commitment is not consistent. It's hard to leave knowing that's the case.
It's equally hard to continue knowing I am counting on them. I find myself struggling with giving up because of my frustration over the lack of trust I have in either of them. Some days I think I would be better off to sell all of the horses and leave so I can start over somewhere else. Lately those thoughts are getting stronger and stronger.
I am trying to clean up a lot of my messes here before I go. I hate coming home to a house piled in undone chores. Despite cleaning up my own messes, I am sure to come home to plenty of chaos left by Lindsay and Dave while I am gone.
That worries me............not the stuff in the house as much as what might be left undone with my horses. Food and water are essential to their survival but I don't trust Lindsay nor Dave to be diligent. They aren't when I'm here and I have seen evidence that they aren't when I am away. I wish I could count on someone checking up on them. The length of time I will be gone could be critical to a horse not getting water.
Their care is on again off again despite my requests for more diligence. It's hard for me to comprehend this acceptance of mediocrity by my husband and my daughter. I suppose I could chalk Lindsay's up to her brain damage but I am not an enabler. My pushing her past that barrier supplies by her doctors is why she functions as well as she does. I will not stop pushing as long as it gives her a better quality of life.
I guess the same is probably true for Dave. He is his own worst enemy. Like his mother, he can wallow in the horses being too much work, even though he would probably die being a couch potato. The only exercise he does is horse related so I continue to push.
The underlying message here is my dream is dependant upon their help. They say they are committed to helping but that commitment is not consistent. It's hard to leave knowing that's the case.
It's equally hard to continue knowing I am counting on them. I find myself struggling with giving up because of my frustration over the lack of trust I have in either of them. Some days I think I would be better off to sell all of the horses and leave so I can start over somewhere else. Lately those thoughts are getting stronger and stronger.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Blogging...........and Traveling...........and Obstacles
I'm trying to convince my husband to let me take his laptop on this trip. I thought if I could continue posting on my blogs I wouldn't feel so alone. I also thought it would be easier for me to share what's happening in the hear and now than in the past. My memory isn't what it used to be........and that's ok with me.
There is one thing that's happening while I'm in Tulsa that I'm really looking forward to(besides actually showing my horses) that has to do with blogging. One of my blogging friends is coming to the horse show just to see me. I am looking forward to meeting her and really wishing we could spend more time together than just a couple of hours or so.
This online friend quit blogging almost a year ago. I have really missed her yet I've felt connected to her none the less. I've none, despite her silence, she would be there if I really needed her. There has been comfort in that. Now I'm finding comfort in the thought she will be there in Tulsa. She's going to help me find the places I will need to survive will I am there.
Survive probably sounds like a strong term for such things as a laundromat and grocery store. However, I am going to this event the cheapest way possible. I will be sleeping in my horse trailer and eating mostly what I can throw together for myself. I have a cooler and small refrigerator and will take non perishables with me. I will need fresh foods, ice and, of course, clean clothes to get me through the twelve days I am actually in Tulsa.
For me going places I am unfamiliar with can be crippling. I know myself well enough to know despite how bad I might need clean clothes and/or fresh food and ice it could be nearly impossible to get me off the horse show facility if I don't know where I am going. The fear of being lost far outweighs minor things like eating...........
Funny how those old messages can be so strong. Yet I can get myself to travel two thousand miles across unknown territory but won't be able to get myself those few blocks or so to find what I need once I am there. My friend locating those places for me ahead of time will help me get through those messages to what I need.
My biggest obstacle will be getting my clothes washed. I wish I had enough clothes to not have to sit around at a laundromat waiting alone for my clothes to wash and dry. I actually found enough pairs of old jeans I could get by but it is underwear and socks that are my biggest problem. I think I'm still holding out for the possibility of picking up enough to eliminate that need.
The grocery store will probably be easier to get myself to. I can do what I need and head back to where I feel more comfortable. I will work on a routine to accomplish this task that should help. Hopefully the actual store will be close to the horse facility. Distance could put a crimp in my plans.
Normally, I don't think much about my fear of venturing out. I can stay focused on the horses and do what I need. Dave takes care of these other necessary trips for me. I can't even tell you when I was last in a grocery store..........oh, yes I can, it was while I was at a horse show. .........so what the time before than.............and so on. I guess a grocery store two thousand miles from home shouldn't be so intimidating.
There is one thing that's happening while I'm in Tulsa that I'm really looking forward to(besides actually showing my horses) that has to do with blogging. One of my blogging friends is coming to the horse show just to see me. I am looking forward to meeting her and really wishing we could spend more time together than just a couple of hours or so.
This online friend quit blogging almost a year ago. I have really missed her yet I've felt connected to her none the less. I've none, despite her silence, she would be there if I really needed her. There has been comfort in that. Now I'm finding comfort in the thought she will be there in Tulsa. She's going to help me find the places I will need to survive will I am there.
Survive probably sounds like a strong term for such things as a laundromat and grocery store. However, I am going to this event the cheapest way possible. I will be sleeping in my horse trailer and eating mostly what I can throw together for myself. I have a cooler and small refrigerator and will take non perishables with me. I will need fresh foods, ice and, of course, clean clothes to get me through the twelve days I am actually in Tulsa.
For me going places I am unfamiliar with can be crippling. I know myself well enough to know despite how bad I might need clean clothes and/or fresh food and ice it could be nearly impossible to get me off the horse show facility if I don't know where I am going. The fear of being lost far outweighs minor things like eating...........
Funny how those old messages can be so strong. Yet I can get myself to travel two thousand miles across unknown territory but won't be able to get myself those few blocks or so to find what I need once I am there. My friend locating those places for me ahead of time will help me get through those messages to what I need.
My biggest obstacle will be getting my clothes washed. I wish I had enough clothes to not have to sit around at a laundromat waiting alone for my clothes to wash and dry. I actually found enough pairs of old jeans I could get by but it is underwear and socks that are my biggest problem. I think I'm still holding out for the possibility of picking up enough to eliminate that need.
The grocery store will probably be easier to get myself to. I can do what I need and head back to where I feel more comfortable. I will work on a routine to accomplish this task that should help. Hopefully the actual store will be close to the horse facility. Distance could put a crimp in my plans.
Normally, I don't think much about my fear of venturing out. I can stay focused on the horses and do what I need. Dave takes care of these other necessary trips for me. I can't even tell you when I was last in a grocery store..........oh, yes I can, it was while I was at a horse show. .........so what the time before than.............and so on. I guess a grocery store two thousand miles from home shouldn't be so intimidating.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Hopes........Fears...........and Sugar..............
I am hoping I will sell a horse at nationals........not just any horse, but one of those I am taking. However, I think there is not much chance of that. I am not happy with her condition at the moment and I think she must look like a super star to have any chance of selling but I'm still going to try. We'll see where it goes.
The odds are I will get the opportunity to sell either of the other two horses I am taking before the filly. The only problem with that is those two horses are cornerstones in my dream..........selling either of them will be selling myself out.
This dilemma only adds to the heaviness I feel. It's no wonder I feel bogged down with the weight of my dream crashing down on me. I work to see beyond my worst fears looking for the light at the end of this tunnel, hoping there is still some chance for my dream to survive.
The events of the last few months have added to this heaviness. Not just because they have messed with my head but because they have an effect on the outcome of my dream. I'm seeing a bigger obstacle to my success than I ever imagined before. I'm not sure if this obstacle is real.........or merely perceived. That is part of the struggle.
If it is real, I'm not sure that I can hold on financially long enough to overcome it. That's part of this new weight I feel. A part of me keeps saying that I'm tough and I will make it no matter what..............another part is concerned with being a bit more practical.........cutting my losses and saving my ass before I get into something more devastating. And, of course, there are many more arguments in between.
Finding a path through all of this is exhausting. I think that exhaustion is what's getting the best of me. Having to force myself to put one foot in front of the other carries its own emotional weight. Sometimes I wish I could just pop some pill to get me moving.........but I know better.
I struggle with fixing my diet to see if that will help. OH! but I love my sugar..........that's probably my biggest problem. Getting off of sugar is something I have not been able to accomplish. Changing my diet over to only healthy foods to see if my energy level will correct hasn't been enough motivation, I guess. That pill still sounds more promising to me. I wonder why that is?
The odds are I will get the opportunity to sell either of the other two horses I am taking before the filly. The only problem with that is those two horses are cornerstones in my dream..........selling either of them will be selling myself out.
This dilemma only adds to the heaviness I feel. It's no wonder I feel bogged down with the weight of my dream crashing down on me. I work to see beyond my worst fears looking for the light at the end of this tunnel, hoping there is still some chance for my dream to survive.
The events of the last few months have added to this heaviness. Not just because they have messed with my head but because they have an effect on the outcome of my dream. I'm seeing a bigger obstacle to my success than I ever imagined before. I'm not sure if this obstacle is real.........or merely perceived. That is part of the struggle.
If it is real, I'm not sure that I can hold on financially long enough to overcome it. That's part of this new weight I feel. A part of me keeps saying that I'm tough and I will make it no matter what..............another part is concerned with being a bit more practical.........cutting my losses and saving my ass before I get into something more devastating. And, of course, there are many more arguments in between.
Finding a path through all of this is exhausting. I think that exhaustion is what's getting the best of me. Having to force myself to put one foot in front of the other carries its own emotional weight. Sometimes I wish I could just pop some pill to get me moving.........but I know better.
I struggle with fixing my diet to see if that will help. OH! but I love my sugar..........that's probably my biggest problem. Getting off of sugar is something I have not been able to accomplish. Changing my diet over to only healthy foods to see if my energy level will correct hasn't been enough motivation, I guess. That pill still sounds more promising to me. I wonder why that is?
Monday, October 5, 2009
Travel Plans
I am still working towards the US Nationals. It is less than two weeks before I am supposed to depart. I still have found no one to travel with. When I made the decision nationals would be my goal for this year, I thought I had others who would be going as well. The people I was counting on made the decision not to go leaving me either to haul my horses by myself the two thousand miles to Tulsa or finding someone else who might be going to caravan with.
I have never been good at asking others for help. I guess I see this situation as help because I'm not stepping up and searching out people who might be going. I made one attempt with people I know from this state and it wouldn't work for them. I have yet to make another attempt even though time is running out.
I do have a back up plan which involves the trainer I will be stabling with at the horse show. That plan means I would have to travel the whole first day by myself but then I would be able to follow them the next two days. While I'm not crazy about this plan either, it seems to be more comfortable than asking anyone else from here and being turned down again. I'm not sure if I'm cutting off my nose or not...........I guess time will tell.
I keep saying I'm going to call one trainer I really like from up north but so far I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I guess the truth is, I really don't want to make the trip at all. I want to BE at the nationals but I don't want to drive that far by myself in my truck. Travelling along behind someone else will not fix that.
I hate being alone. Yet I spend most of my time that way.........or at least feeling that way. Driving 2/3 of the way across this country by myself will not be just a feeling, it will be the real thing.
Even once I get there I will be alone. The trainer I will be stabled with is just a trainer. I don't really know him for his clients. There will be no security there.
There was a time when I would never have taken such a risk. Now, I wouldn't think of NOT going just because of this aloneness. I am dreading it.........but I won't let it stop me from competing with my horses.
In the meantime this dread affects the preparations for this trip and all the other stuff brewing in my head. I feel like I have lead weights on my feet my forward progress seems so slow. There is also a heaviness in my heart as I struggle with the newest issues in my life.
There is not much joy at the moment. I have to remind myself it will return. Fortunately there are brief glimpses of it when I am working with my horses. That keeps me going while I push on.
I have never been good at asking others for help. I guess I see this situation as help because I'm not stepping up and searching out people who might be going. I made one attempt with people I know from this state and it wouldn't work for them. I have yet to make another attempt even though time is running out.
I do have a back up plan which involves the trainer I will be stabling with at the horse show. That plan means I would have to travel the whole first day by myself but then I would be able to follow them the next two days. While I'm not crazy about this plan either, it seems to be more comfortable than asking anyone else from here and being turned down again. I'm not sure if I'm cutting off my nose or not...........I guess time will tell.
I keep saying I'm going to call one trainer I really like from up north but so far I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I guess the truth is, I really don't want to make the trip at all. I want to BE at the nationals but I don't want to drive that far by myself in my truck. Travelling along behind someone else will not fix that.
I hate being alone. Yet I spend most of my time that way.........or at least feeling that way. Driving 2/3 of the way across this country by myself will not be just a feeling, it will be the real thing.
Even once I get there I will be alone. The trainer I will be stabled with is just a trainer. I don't really know him for his clients. There will be no security there.
There was a time when I would never have taken such a risk. Now, I wouldn't think of NOT going just because of this aloneness. I am dreading it.........but I won't let it stop me from competing with my horses.
In the meantime this dread affects the preparations for this trip and all the other stuff brewing in my head. I feel like I have lead weights on my feet my forward progress seems so slow. There is also a heaviness in my heart as I struggle with the newest issues in my life.
There is not much joy at the moment. I have to remind myself it will return. Fortunately there are brief glimpses of it when I am working with my horses. That keeps me going while I push on.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Checking In.............
There is so much going on here I can barely find the time to sort out my thoughts.........and, of course, as go my thoughts so goes my feelings. This roller coaster ride is exhausting, yet familiar. Sometimes the familiar is just easier than taking the road less travelled. Yet I still find myself picking my way through trying to get back to that high road.
Sometimes I find myself thinking it's taking me a while to get through the insult that set this struggle off way back during the Region 4 Championships. Then I realized it's not just that episode but a series of things since then that are keeping me off balance.
Then I tried to figure out if I am being more sensitive now or if maybe things are changing making these insults more noticeable to me. Whichever, I just seem to get myself righted and something more happens leaving me reeling once again.
Through all of this, I've come to the conclusion I am just not meant to be a social person. It IS of my choosing to retreat and protect myself from those who wound me. As long as I do that I will continue to be alone. I need to either accept alone is my choice or I need to find another way to cope than pushing people away.
Yet that thought in itself makes me reel. The pain I feel when betrayed is still so much larger than life. Whether or not I will ever react like "normal" (whatever that might be) is beyond me. Cult programming still triggers physical torture along with the emotional reactions.
No part of me wants to participate in more therapy to free us from that programming. I am firmly entrenched in the belief it would take most of my life to do that. Yet I wonder if that is true, another lie planted by them or just my own fear.
It's not about courage that I avoid this fight. I have plenty of that. For me it is about time.......at my age I am so aware that my time on this earth is limited. I have much I want to do...........more than there is time for. I don't want to give anymore of that valuable time up to those old issues than I must. To me that is part of being free of them............being able to pursue my dream.............instead of continuing to focus on them and what they did.
Even though each day I battle those old messages I continue to make steps forward towards accomplishing my goal. Sometimes I have to break that goal down into much smaller objectives so I can see I am making progress and not succumb to those old messages but that's ok..........just as long as I get there.
So for now I am on a daily roller coaster ride battling the old messages and searching for ways to silence them. There are brief respites from the turmoil but so brief sometimes they're not even a relief, just another jog in the road.
There is a change going on...........but it is subtle. Where exactly it will lead me I do not know. I only know it will be true to me and not to those old messages. The uncertainty of this transitional phase is discomforting. Sometimes I must search for the belief in myself that I WILL get there. It is my only comfort......other than the horses.
I guess right now the fact that money threatens the horses is part of why this journey feels so perilous. The uncertain economy has its effects on everyone in one way or another. I must remind myself it is not personal.
Sometimes I find myself thinking it's taking me a while to get through the insult that set this struggle off way back during the Region 4 Championships. Then I realized it's not just that episode but a series of things since then that are keeping me off balance.
Then I tried to figure out if I am being more sensitive now or if maybe things are changing making these insults more noticeable to me. Whichever, I just seem to get myself righted and something more happens leaving me reeling once again.
Through all of this, I've come to the conclusion I am just not meant to be a social person. It IS of my choosing to retreat and protect myself from those who wound me. As long as I do that I will continue to be alone. I need to either accept alone is my choice or I need to find another way to cope than pushing people away.
Yet that thought in itself makes me reel. The pain I feel when betrayed is still so much larger than life. Whether or not I will ever react like "normal" (whatever that might be) is beyond me. Cult programming still triggers physical torture along with the emotional reactions.
No part of me wants to participate in more therapy to free us from that programming. I am firmly entrenched in the belief it would take most of my life to do that. Yet I wonder if that is true, another lie planted by them or just my own fear.
It's not about courage that I avoid this fight. I have plenty of that. For me it is about time.......at my age I am so aware that my time on this earth is limited. I have much I want to do...........more than there is time for. I don't want to give anymore of that valuable time up to those old issues than I must. To me that is part of being free of them............being able to pursue my dream.............instead of continuing to focus on them and what they did.
Even though each day I battle those old messages I continue to make steps forward towards accomplishing my goal. Sometimes I have to break that goal down into much smaller objectives so I can see I am making progress and not succumb to those old messages but that's ok..........just as long as I get there.
So for now I am on a daily roller coaster ride battling the old messages and searching for ways to silence them. There are brief respites from the turmoil but so brief sometimes they're not even a relief, just another jog in the road.
There is a change going on...........but it is subtle. Where exactly it will lead me I do not know. I only know it will be true to me and not to those old messages. The uncertainty of this transitional phase is discomforting. Sometimes I must search for the belief in myself that I WILL get there. It is my only comfort......other than the horses.
I guess right now the fact that money threatens the horses is part of why this journey feels so perilous. The uncertain economy has its effects on everyone in one way or another. I must remind myself it is not personal.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Getting By.............
I keep vacillating between wanting to flee and being angry. The anger is probably better for me but it doesn't last long. It is hard to even make sense of this for me. Despite my past I can't seem to grasp that people can be so petty.
Odd, isn't it? I can have experiences so horrendous most don't want to believe they're even possible. I have no trouble grasping that. Yet, I can't get it to sink in that this incident is not about me.
Overcoming that old programming that everything is my fault, that I don't even deserve to take up the valuable air it takes for me to breathe can hang on so tightly. I know in my head that isn't the case and sometimes I know in my heart. But the moment something unfair happens those messages clutch me by the throat and just won't let go.
The self talk it takes to change it gets muffled in the wails of the wounded children inside me. Nothing seems to comfort them. They have again lost hope.
I try to go about my daily business, not succumbing to the urge to quit. Sooner or later I hope belief in myself will return. In the meantime I must deal with these messages in my head. I know staying on top of them is as important as keeping on task towards my dream. I am exhausted...........
Odd, isn't it? I can have experiences so horrendous most don't want to believe they're even possible. I have no trouble grasping that. Yet, I can't get it to sink in that this incident is not about me.
Overcoming that old programming that everything is my fault, that I don't even deserve to take up the valuable air it takes for me to breathe can hang on so tightly. I know in my head that isn't the case and sometimes I know in my heart. But the moment something unfair happens those messages clutch me by the throat and just won't let go.
The self talk it takes to change it gets muffled in the wails of the wounded children inside me. Nothing seems to comfort them. They have again lost hope.
I try to go about my daily business, not succumbing to the urge to quit. Sooner or later I hope belief in myself will return. In the meantime I must deal with these messages in my head. I know staying on top of them is as important as keeping on task towards my dream. I am exhausted...........
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Running.............
I want to thank those who took the time to comment on my last post. I was feeling pretty low (and still am to some degree I guess) and your comments helped to take some of the sting out of this situation.
Actually I was making plans for a little disappearance. I've never really thought specifically about running away before but those thoughts have sure been racing through my mind over the last twenty-four hours. I was surprised to find myself coming up with a plan that my system accepted so easily. Usually there's always some voice or another and sometimes several telling me why a plan just won't work. I'm not even sure what to think knowing there was such unanimous agreement in this kind of situation. I guess it tells me the depth of this hurt.
I've known for a while that this thing I do with horses is the one place I feel particularly vulnerable. However, I've always thought that vulnerability was controllable. The only outside sources I thought could influence it were money and the support of my family. It's awkward at best to find myself in the position that what other people hits any kind of nerve........but boy this thing sure did.
Now I find myself having to reevaluate how I protect myself without really cutting off my nose to spite my face. I know I should not let others have power over me.........and running would be just that. But figuring out how to take back my power is not coming easily. All I'm sure of at this moment is I won't be disappearing anytime soon..........although I may dream about it a time or two...........
Actually I was making plans for a little disappearance. I've never really thought specifically about running away before but those thoughts have sure been racing through my mind over the last twenty-four hours. I was surprised to find myself coming up with a plan that my system accepted so easily. Usually there's always some voice or another and sometimes several telling me why a plan just won't work. I'm not even sure what to think knowing there was such unanimous agreement in this kind of situation. I guess it tells me the depth of this hurt.
I've known for a while that this thing I do with horses is the one place I feel particularly vulnerable. However, I've always thought that vulnerability was controllable. The only outside sources I thought could influence it were money and the support of my family. It's awkward at best to find myself in the position that what other people hits any kind of nerve........but boy this thing sure did.
Now I find myself having to reevaluate how I protect myself without really cutting off my nose to spite my face. I know I should not let others have power over me.........and running would be just that. But figuring out how to take back my power is not coming easily. All I'm sure of at this moment is I won't be disappearing anytime soon..........although I may dream about it a time or two...........
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
