Sunday...............a hard day

It's been a hard day. Four policemen were shot here this morning. While they were not shot near my home, they were shot in an area very familiar to me. So familiar in fact when I saw the location on the news, I knew exactly where this terrible thing had happened.

It has been a little over a month since a police officer was gunned down in Seattle. Now to have this happen makes the world seem very unsafe. I think most people in this state are reeling. I know I'd like to pull the covers over my head and check out for a month or two.

As the day progress more and more information about this shooting is hitting the airways. I guess it must be some kind of need to feel like I have some control that draws me to listen, hoping that they'll catch this person soon. Instead it seems things just keep getting more and more intense.

Then I came to the computer to work on my horse blog. A little escape from the craziness closing in on me only to find very sad news in my email.

A friend of mine lost his battle with cancer last night. I knew this day was inevitable but with the world going crazy loosing one of the good guys has hit me even harder. May he rest in peace.

Back in the Swing

It's been a busy week. While I began working horses last week, although not riding them, we really were only working one trailer load a day. That's three horses. This week we are working three trailer loads for a total of eight horses AND I have started back up at the gym.

I am only riding one horse, however. My bottom won't take more than that and I am only riding briefly. I think I need to "toughen" up my b*tt before I get back in the saddle at my normal pace. The gym hasn't been kind to my back side either but I'm going to tough it out. I can't afford to get behind any farther than I am already.

That all means I have been dragging my sorry *ss (I think that's appropriate under the circumstances) out of bed at 4:30 AM. I'm at the gym at 5 until 6. Then I head home to feed the horses before taking a shower and having breakfast.

By 8:30 I am at Richard's with the first trailer load of horses and the day travels on from there on the horses's schedule. Training horses like therapy is a process. Unlike therapy you can't set a time limit on a session. You do what you have to to get to the point the horse has it figured out. Some times is a short session............and sometimes it's a long one. (Do you think therapists could learn a lesson from horse trainers?)

So today's process for 8 horses was finished at 6:30 PM. I did get an hour for lunch which included a brief but much needed power nap. From the way my body feels tonight you wouldn't think that nap did much good, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have finished the day without collapsing if I hadn't had it. I'm not complaining.........just letting you know what I"m up to and why my brain hasn't managed to conjure up another post.

I've been contacted by a reporter who wants to do a story about me (and other's like me I think). He found me through the blog and then emailed me. I haven't decided what I'm going to do though. I was hoping for input from all of you. What do you think??

Suckered

I got suckered into helping my daughter and granddaughter with a horse on Sunday. Richard put the squeeze on me to "help" them bring a horse they are leasing over to his barn for an evaluation. The pretext was they needed to make a decision about this horse because there have been issues with her and Rachel won't ride the horse because of them.

I knew from the start if I did this it would probably take up my entire day. I only get two days a week where I don't work horses all day and those are the days I use to catch up with my blogging friends and do part of my posts for the week. Giving up one of those days was a sacrifice for me but I did it because Richard asked me too, neither Colleen nor Rachel ever did.

The day went pretty much as I'd expected. I left here a little later than I'd hoped because Dave needed the truck to get hay. Then I travelled over to the old barn to pick up Xena and Rachel and took them back to Richard's. Rachel didn't even speak to me the whole trip except for a two word answer when I asked her a question. It was really awkward.

We went through the usual lameness checks with this horse and she definitely has lameness issues.........lots of them. But to be fair to the horse it is possible those issues were caused by Rachel and her lack of knowledge on saddle fitting and/or the horrible footing at that barn. Either way it could possibly be something that can be fixed under the right circumstances.

Richard adjusted the mare's back and seemed to at least temporarily "fix" some of the issues there. The he decided to put Rachel on the horse to see what was the problem there. That's where things got pretty uncomfortable....much like things used to go when I worked with Rachel.

Rachel refused to ride the horse. Richard insisted and so did her mother (talk about a shock....but then she supports Richard in what he does when she didn't support me). Rachel finally did get on the horse but not without a lot of tears, something that makes Richard very uncomfortable BTW.

Richard had the horse on a lunge line to give Rachel confidence and did manage to get her to walk and trot the horse. The mare was actually being quite good. She didn't do anything at all like what Rachel had described so he asked her to canter the horse as well.

Rachel locked up with fear, crying. She refused to move and she refused to do what asked. Richard allowed her to get off the horse until Angie intervened telling him that it was important that Rachel work through this situation. She actually told Richard not to come in unless he got it done.

By this time Colleen was trying to sit on both sides of the fence. Because she was trying to support Richard, she agreed with him, but she's so used to enabling Rachel that she was doing that as well. Instead of seeing Rachel needed to work through her fear, she was making excuses for it and trying to convince Rachel this time was different from other times. This kind of behavior is why Rachel locks up with fear. She's never be taught to do anything differently. But then I am probably just a mean person who doesn't understand Rachel. (excuse my sarcasm) Angie saw this and took Colleen up to the house understanding that Colleen was contributing to the problem.

To make this long story short, Rachel did work through her issues, at least for this day, with the horse. Then I took them home. Neither Rachel nor Colleen called to thank Richard for taking his day off to help them, nor to tell him their decision about the mare. Instead he had to ask them yesterday about how the mare was doing after the session and their decision.

That's where things got tough for me. I'd been told that my opinion was important so I had given it. I have big concerns about the lameness issues and even bigger ones that the horse is not adequately trained for Rachel or her mother to ride so, along with Richard, I was talking to Colleen about those issues trying to explain.

There's probably no point in going into the details of what happened from there. Suffice it to say that Colleen cut me off and started talking like she was the expert and didn't need my help. I shut my mouth and walked off. I'm not going to waste my time arguing with her when she isn't really interested in my opinion in the first place.

I had so much going on, I came home and tried to get "stuff" done so I could hit the sack early to make it to the gym this morning. It wasn't until I laid down in bed that I realized how angry I was. I spent the entire night tossing and turning.

I felt set up again. Not only was my input not important, Colleen's mind was made up before we ever looked at that horse. There was no point in putting all that time into an evaluation. It was a waste of my time and Richard's. We both gave up our day off to help them, when they really didn't want help anyway.

Mostly it just adds more salt to the wounds I already have from this pair. I try not to be at the barn when they are there so I don't have to deal with their lack of respect for me. They have Richard up on a pedestal like he is the guru of horsemanship and they treat me like I know nothing when in reality we are probably on an even par. To top it off Colleen acts like she is as knowledgeable a horse person as I am when she is one of those people who knows just enough to be dangerous. It's insulting and it's disrespectful.

And frankly I'm really angry at myself I got suckered into dealing with them again in the first place. I'll get over it OK but it just really bugs me that something that could have been a good thing to bring us closer together, Colleen has managed to turn into something ugly to drive yet another wedge between us.

For that I am pretty d*mn angry........which I suspect is just a cover for pretty d*mn hurt. I need thicker armour. That's all there is to it. I just can't seem to figure out how to protect myself from getting hurt by them without just walking away permanently. I'm not sure that's something I want to do but at this rate, it sure may end up there.

Crusader

I'm a crusader. I've been that all my life. Give me a cause to fight for and I'll
jump right in clear up to my neck. Now the cause has to be something to do with someone being a victim certainly, that is a given. I hate bullies and I clearly love the chance to put them in their place.

This has given me lots of opportunities over the years for positive ways to use my anger at being a victim myself. I've still got lots of stored up anger so there's plenty left for me to get off and going for another cause.

I remember as a teenager a new friend claiming abuse. I helped her run away from home. She hide our for maybe a couple of weeks before she finally got tired and went home. In the meantime I brought her food and things to do as well as keeping her company.

I never really did know "what" was happening to this friend. I just took her word for it. Guess in those days I couldn't handle the details but I wanted to help anyway.

These days I know more and can handle more. I get immersed in the details as well. Looking for ways to find solutions so that victims don't end up "going back" like my friend did. I'll always wonder what happened to her.

Currently, I'm in up to my eyeballs on a case of horse abuse. It's not about the original abusers but a horse rescue organization that is really exploiting horses in dire need for their own purposes. I suspect as I dig through this mess, I may find myself involved in even changing legislation.

While it takes a lot of energy, and most of the time I don't feel I have enough of that, it still helps me to feel powerful in a world that used to overwhelm me. It also helps me to turn than anger into something positive. I find as I do these things, I seem to "use" that anger up. Maybe someday I'll have worked on enough causes the anger will all be gone. That's a day I look forward to............in the meantime, I'll just keep working on causes.

The Angel over My Bed

When I was a child there was a picture of a guardian angel that hung over my bed. I don't know that I've even known the name of the artist but that picture has always been special to me. It's the one with the two children huddled together crossing a rickety old wooden bridge in a storm.

You'd think with my history I'd hate that picture. There was such a dichotomy there. My mother hung that picture right over my head in my room. Above the very bed the people she sold my services to would steal me from and take me off to rape and torture.

I know that was probably cult programming.......a not so subtle message to say that God loves other little children but He doesn't love you. There is no protection for a child like you...........but I never got that message.

Somehow I always hung onto the belief I, too, had a guardian angel and she went with me through whatever ugliness the world threw my way. I'd picture those children in that storm. Their frightened faces, holding each other, as they made their way across that bridge with it's missing planks etched in my mind along with that angel looming over them guiding their way and it kept me going.........believing they really did reach the other side.......and so would I.

I don't know how or why I managed to hang onto that belief so strongly despite the cult's best efforts to destroy it. Maybe it was my guardian angel after all. All I know is that even to this day I must have an angel hanging over my bed.

I don't have a copy of that picture. I guess I've never actually seen one for sale......but I do have an angel that spoke to my inner children. I bought her on the pretext of giving her to my youngest daughter but never could quite part with her. Finally one day it dawned on me where she belonged.....and she's been hanging there ever since......on the corner bedpost on "my" side of the bed.

My Halloween Condition

I've received emails wondering how I'm doing on this Halloween night so I thought I might answer them here. Mostly for me at this stage of the game, this night is just wind down time for me....... a few more hours and the day is done kind of thing. Then I will no longer be plagued by flashbacks both visual and some just sounds.......although both are much more muted than they used to be.

Wind down time might sound odd but I know that Halloween for some really is two full weeks of rituals leading up to the grand finale which must be completed by midnight in some places and before the sun rises in others. For me that's meant a building of tension leading up to this day.

My body is pretty tight from that tension.........so tight in fact my head has been throbbing for at least three days. I have muscle spasms shooting up my back and down my legs and arms. The stiffness in my neck is at it's worst. And I've been fighting the urge to fall asleep on my feet for the last three days. (I think this one is about old programming and someone inside trying to come out. I seem to respond to the trigger that causes the sleepiness but that's as far as it gets. Thank God for that.)

Mostly I'm plagued by feelings of helplessness because I know there are others out there experiencing what I went through as a child. I think lots of times the flashes that I see are my "imagination" seeing these events. That old message that I am powerless is a really hard one to break and those pictures sure help to keep it reinforced. All I can hope is that by doing what I can to educate and help other victims is that I am in some way regaining a bit of that power.

All Saints Day is Nov 1 and God will reclaim the earth. That may sound trite to some but to me there is great reassurance in that fact. I know that all this craziness can turn to sanity if only one can find God.

Certainly not my usual explanation but on nights like tonight, I am easily reminded of why I am personally no longer at their mercy (of which they have none). I will never forget what they did to me and I will never forget what I must do to stay free.

Halloween Deliberations

Well, it's that time of year again. Halloween is just around the corner. The TV is over run with commercials for candy and costumes, party decorations and food. Even the people at the barn are talking about dressing up horses in costumes and such. One of my friends actually sent me a video clip of a stripper that striped down to her skeleton thinking it was cute. There's just nowhere to escape the constant reminders.

I posted last year, Halloween from a Cult Survivor and things haven't changed much. It's not like I have all kinds of flashbacks or any old programming kicking in. It's just the constant reminders of how different I am from the rest of the world.

I recently spoke to a multiple friend about my lack of connections to people. I thought that she was doing better in that department than I only to find out that she, too, keeps people at arms length. No one in the real world knows, nor really cares, what I'm feeling.

It's really odd to have those people who know me best be distant folks I've met on the internet. It just seems so strange to feel more connected to nameless, faceless people across the world than those in my own backyard.

I doubt that it's because it's easier for me because of the anonymity the internet provides since I haven't really done much to be anonymous. I'm easy enough to locate. I actually feel safer being more public about my identity. But it makes me wonder if there just aren't that many people in the world who really care about what others are thinking or feeling. If that's true, what a shallow lot that makes humans.

Maybe that's what all the fuss about Halloween is about. Human beings so shallow an excuse for a party is more important than the real meaning of this day. Or those people are so afraid of dealing with their own past they can't be open to anyone else's.

I just know it's a tough week. Every commercial brings memories of screaming children and even my own physical pain. Nothing but constant reminders of what my childhood and my family wasn't.

I think maybe this year is harder because I'm beginning to discover how my current family doesn't really care about me either. It seems that I'm more useful to them as some kind of trophy than as a human being. That's as painful as any torture ever was.

So yes, I'm working on those walls. But it's going to take some time to rally my "troops" around me and seal off this pain. In the meantime I'm just plodding along one step at a time trying to get my system back into safer territory. But I have to say this isolation really doesn't feel good this time of year with all this Halloween mania that goes on here in the states. What I wouldn't give for one human being that could reach out and touch me........and give a damn.

About the Boxer Puppy

I have to laugh about little wanderer's comment on my 31 Things Meme about the boxer puppy. She's absolutely right about boxers being a handful. Someone once described them as the original party animal and I have to say I've not heard anything that fits quite so well. But there is a reason that I'm attracted to boxers.

Several years ago (I hate to say many, it makes me feel old!), I was having a really bad day.......my truck wouldn't start, my horse was very very ill and I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. I was sitting on the deck of this house where I had just used their phone to call my husband to try and get my truck started when this boxer puppy came crawling out from under that deck and up into my lap to comfort me.

Up until that time, I hadn't particularly cared for boxers. I'd had a bad experience with them as a child. In my mind they were all aggressive scary things, yet here was this puppy sensing my pain and trying to fix it for me. I have to say it was love at first sight............well, maybe first comforting. Anyway, I had to have that puppy.

It turns out that she was supposed to be sold. However, I kept bugging the owner and the person who was supposed to get the puppy didn't show up or call back so I managed to make this puppy my own. I had no clue what I was getting myself in for........and if I had, I'm sure it wouldn't have stopped me. that dog brought me more joy than I can even describe.

She was indeed the original party animal. There was nothing she loved more than harassing (in a good way) our rottweiler and getting the old dog to play, chasing horses (which was never allowed) and jumping into my lap (yes, she was way too big for a lap dog), putting her head on my shoulder and looking at me with those eyes of her in the most precocious way. She would make me laugh and then start to bark quite pleased with herself.

Her name was Jynx..........aptly named after high jinks..... definition: Playful, often noisy and rowdy activity, usually involving mischievous. That was my Jynx to a tee.

You'll notice I said "was." I lost Jynx to an auto immune disorder a few years back. It was one of the saddest days of my life and ranks right up there with the loss of my beloved grandfather and my beloved mare, Scandalous. The old rottweiler didn't take the loss well either. She too died shortly after we lost Jynx leaving an even bigger hole in my heart.

If you're wondering how this relates to the new boxer puppy. She will be a relative of my Jynx. Her mother, Dakota, looks and acts more like Jynx than any boxer I have known. I have been patiently waiting for this puppy since Dakota was only two months old. That's when her owner, Angie, promised me I could have a puppy when they bred Dakota. And that has happened and the little boxer buns are in the oven and I can hardly wait.

The timing couldn't be better. Times are tough and just the thought of that little pistol of a puppy already lightens up my life. I'll certainly post pictures, if I can ever get my camera fixed.........or find the time to get a new one. In the meantime, here's a picture of Jynx doing what she does best.........snowing mom. Yes, indeed those are my knees and Jynx was begging for permission to crawl into my lap.

Can I Trust Me?

I've come so far down the road of recovery I like to believe that I have things together here..........well, as together as one can be with life. Yet right now I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride that just won't end. That scares me to death.

With my husband losing his job there are just so many uncertainties. Most of them, for me anyway, have to do with whether or not I can maintain this dream of mine. The common sense part of my brain says that I should cut back, sell as many horses as possible and move on. The emotional part of me cries desperately against that wanting to hang on to my last dying breath.

There have been many things along the path of following this dream that have prevented me from reaching my goals. Each time I have tried to roll with the punches and find a new direction to still get me there but it has been a long time in coming.

I just keep trying to tell myself I have to believe. I have to trust that this can and will happen. I fly by the seat of my pants making decisions based on the belief it's going to work out. With my husband loosing his job, it makes the possibilities of that seem all the more unlikely yet I keep holding on. But can I really trust myself?

There's a crossroad of some kind breathing down my neck and I have just thrown a monkey wrench into the plan I was most sure of. Am I the reason that things don't work out? Am I sabotaging myself on some unknown level? Or am I blind and this whole thing really is not possible at all? Or can I really trust myself?

An Old Story

With all the things going on in my life right now, you'd think an old story wouldn't be something on my mind. But sometimes things happen that bring those old stories back up to the surface. Today was one of those days.

I'd like to start off my saying I believe I give people the impression that I am "hard." Hard as in tough as nails and probably unfeeling. Even tough after therapy, I found myself in the position that people could see expressions on my face even if I didn't want them too, they probably weren't seeing the "real feelings" behind those reactions.

I know that I'm easily taken the wrong way. I don't know what to do about it. I think it affects my "approachability." That might be part of why I do not have many friends. I don't know what to do about it but I guess I tend to keep people at a distance so that I don't get my feelings hurt when they've misjudged me. So now to my story.....

Several years ago, I met a woman on the internet. Actually I met her through eBay. She bought a number of auctions from me and before you know it we became friends..........well, I thought we became friends. She sent me a present just out of the blue and it caught me off guard, I guess. I thought I could trust this woman.

We talked on the phone at least once a week.........and the conversations were long. We had a lot in common. She raised horses too.........although a different breed..........and was struggling to live her dream.

After a couple of years, one day out of the blue she invited herself to come stay with me. I rarely even have company at my house for a few minutes, let alone someone staying a week. I'm a very private person and having a house guest leaves me pretty exposed. I didn't really know what to say.........but I let her come.

She had decided to come during the Region 5 Arabian Horse Championships. I tried to warn her ahead of time that was a really busy time for me and I wouldn't have much time. She assured me that it would be fine. She's chip in and help......not to worry.

Just having to pick her up at the airport and take her back to fly out were huge sacrifices for me. I don't take my husband to the airport when he flys out. That facility is really tough for me between my double vision and my fear of places like that.......but I went for her.

I was showing four horses at this show. Let me say up front that showing one is a lot of work.............but four is absolutely crazy. I didn' t have any help. My granddaughter wasn't doing the horse thing then. I was on my own..........and now I had this house guest.

I thought it went ok. Things were really busy and she just kind of did her own thing. I asked her to help me a couple of times because she had told me ahead of time that she wanted to help.

I even took her on a special trip to the casino because she kept insisting she needed to go before she left. (I hardly ever go to the casino, only for my horse club's annual dinner meeting.) And I took her to a private showing of a pretty amazing stallion, even took her picture with him because she begged me to, although I probably could have gotten in trouble for it.

The point is I tried to be a good host even though it was really a bad time for me to have a house guest. It made my championships much more stressful but I went along with it because I thought this woman was my friend. I really put myself out there.

It wasn't until she got home that I realized that something had gone terribly wrong. I still don't know really what it was. All I know is I got this email telling me what a horrible person I was. She said I treated my husband, my child and my horses horribly and I didn't deserve to have someone like her for a friend. She never wanted to see or talk to me again.

To say I was devastated would be a gross understatement. I didn't know what hit me. I kept going over in my mind what had happened and I couldn't figure out what I had done that was so wrong.

A couple of my horse friends couldn't believe this woman either. They had met her during her stay and they thought things were fine too. I was really at a loss.

What this woman did to me was probably the worst rejection I have experienced since therapy. I had let this woman in closer than I normally allow and it had blown up in my face. It pretty much re-enforced I am better off sticking to myself. It's just less painful.

Why am I telling this story now? Well, today I felt the same kind of rejection again................and I just want to disappear.

What Multiple Personality Disorder Looks Like

I found this video posted on one of the regular blogs I read but when I tried to find it to reference it here, it seems to have disappeared. I don't know if the post was deleted or what but I wanted to share this video. I think this is a most accurate portrayal of Dissociative Identity Disorder. It sure shows what it can feel like on the inside for me in a way that others might be able to understand more easily. What do you think?

Gone.........but still posting!

Just a quick post to tell everyone that I am leaving town tomorrow morning for a horse show in Salem, Oregon. I will be gone for about eight days so please don't worry when you don't see me around commenting. Everything thing is good.....just a horsey type vacation from the computer.

I have written a couple of posts that will be posted while I'm gone. I love this new scheduled post feature from blogger that lets me still post when I'm gone. I'll check back in and say "hi" once I'm officially back in town.

I'm almost afraid to see how many unread posts will show up in my goggle reader, so please have pity on me, and don't get too prolific in your writings. I don't want to pass out because the reader tells me a thousand unread posts. I wonder if it could get that bad...........I sure hope not. Take care and know I'll be thinking of you all even while I'm gone.

Self-Portrait

The Dream

I used to be plagued by night terrors. I'm not sure how to explain the difference between nightmares and night terrors except by the affect they had on me. I would wake up in a drenching sweat shaken to my very core. My heart would be pounding out of my chest so hard that it's all that I could hear in my ears. It would have a lock on my brain that I had difficulty escaping even once I was awake. Trying to shake it off, I would feel like it had me physically encased in its clutches and that my very life was at stake.

It's been many years since I've experienced one of those night terrors. I can't say that I have missed them at all. Even on occasions that I have had recurring dreams themed like those night terrors they have lacked the intensity of those times. Other than that, I rarely if ever dream that I am aware of. Maybe only a couple of times a year I awake remembering a dream and that memory does not last.

Well, this last week I had a dream that I actually remember. It was disturbing to say the least but nothing like the night terrors of many years ago. Even yet it disturbed me enough that it is haunting me this week so I thought I'd share it with you all to see what you think.

I don't even remember where I was in this dream. All I remember is seeing a female friend (although I can't even tell you who). I was so glad to see her I went up to her to give her a hug. At the moment that I put my arms around her I became aware that she was not what she seemed. Somehow there were male parts and she/he was groping them. Cupping hands on both sides and making their presence obvious as she brushed up against me.

I immediately felt raped. I woke up with my skin crawling and feeling like someone really close to me had raped me maybe even without my knowledge. I also felt like I had really been set up and duped. I was disgusted and terrified at the same time.

That's it. It didn't last long but I remain feeling uneasy like something is about to get me. Other than that I haven't a clue about this thing. So what do you all think?

New Year's Arrived Now Let's Get On with It!

Well, the new year has arrived and it feels much the same as yesterday. It's always seemed funny to me that people can put such stock in the flip of a page on a calendar.

I understand the concept of new beginnings and such. I think the motivation behind those thoughts are admirable. But the facts are they are only thoughts. Many people never get past the romanticism long enough to get into some real actions.

For me, I tend to look at such events as new years, anniversaries and birthdays, just as another measure of time. Since I'm the type of person who seems to lose track of time (not the same as loosing time lol) it's good for me to have a frame of reference that a week or a month has gone by.

Otherwise time just seems to race by and I haven't a clue how much has really passed. That can cause problems with actually getting some things done. I do ok with the day to day stuff but bigger projects can get pushed right up to the wire or missed altogether.

Having particular dates to remind me, helps to but that passage of time into a more accurate perspective. It can help me so I don't miss important deadlines or push a project right up to the last minute because I lost track of time.

To help me with the things I would like to accomplish this year, I have to work at putting them into some kind of chronological reference. Knowing what obstacles I might need to overcome will also help decide what kind of steps I take in this journey and how timing should be employed.

For example, before I can get going on my book, I have to dig out the boxes that have all of my journals, artwork and notes in them. That in and off itself is going to be a big project that I have already started. What helps to keep me focused on that project is the fact it leads to being able to start the one I really want to get going.

Parts of me are dreading working on my book. Doing so is bound to bring up more memories and other painful stuff. But we've already decided that the timing for this is now. My mother died last Valentine's Day and we knew that would bring with it lots of junk. So instead of being afraid of it, we've embraced the opportunity to work this through for once and for all.

So for me, New Year's Day reminds me that Valentine's Day will not be far behind. Since that will be the one year anniversary of our mother's death, we can think of no more perfect way to celebrate than to bring those old boxes out into the open and be ready to work on our book.

Working on this blog has been another way to deal with my mother's death. It's given me the opportunity to start out slowly in reopening these old wounds of mine and to get myself acclimated to processing this kind of work again.

I think the work I have done on the blog thus far has gotten me to that place where I am ready to tackle the book. Daily posting here will keep me focused on my goal and bring me some support when I need it.

I'm really looking forward to putting my mother into her final perspective with my system. I'll be finishing off whatever illusions might be left and tying up lots of loose end and hopefully, I'll be contributing a helpful reference for victims of ritual abuse and satanism.



multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did

No New Year's Resolutions Here!

You won't find any New Year's resolutions here. I cannot be trusted with making such pacts. For some reason the minute I say I will do something a part of my system goes on strike. Suddenly it becomes a "have to" and there is no way that part or parts is going to get forced into doing anything. Instead both heels dig in and the task or goal now become an impossibility.

I don't know what the story of that part or parts is. I guess if I did, I would know for sure if it is one or more parts. And I don't know that I care to know. That "i" is the majority of this system of mine. We get along pretty darn well in this world as we are with the exception of this one little glitch. We can't really see why we should delve back into all of those painful secrets when it's easier to figure a way around this problem.

So we just don't make any New Year's resolutions. There a few other things we have to avoid. Back in the days when I was a professional crafter, I could have something nearly finished at home but the minute I took a special order for that item, it became a huge deal trying to get the darn thing done. So I quit taking those special orders. They just were not worth the pressure. I try not to commit to things that might be a problem.

I'm notorious for leaving things to the very last minute to do. While it's more stressful sometimes, I still manage to get them done. I even have had some success with setting a goal to "try" to become more organized and get things started sooner. Using the word "try" makes a big difference to those rebellious parts.

We just have to stay away from being in the position that we "have to do" anything. We do things because we want to, maybe because it's a good idea but never because we "have to."

So instead of those New's Year's resolutions that we would only annihilate, we find ourselves thinking about what we would like to accomplish this year.

I would like to keep posting regularly to this blog.

I would like to get my book about my therapy process underway.

I would like to get a couple of horses sold so I can breed some more! lol

I would like to get people organized to build a livestock emergency preparedness plan for my state.

I would like to get things resolved with my grand daughter.

I would like to get my hard drive cleaned up so I have the room to start building a database for my online book store.

I would like to try something at least once a month that is "hard" for me to do. (Hard as in out of my comfort zone.)

And I would like to wish all of you a Happy New Year!



multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did resolutions

Excuses or Reasons

On my post, Mass Murders Close to Home Lynn from Spilling Ink in Public made a comment that started off I think that the only way for it to end is for people to simultaneously take seriously the complaints these people have against their families while speaking out against the killings. I have to admit that my first reaction to this was to bristle up and get defensive. Probably because this particular crime happened so close to home. But I backed up and took my time and really tried to understand what Lynn was saying. There are things in what she said that have merit.

If more people were listened to and had someplace to be taken seriously, perhaps there would be less violence. For all the big talk in this country, we really have not made many inroads toward the compassionate acceptance of the complaints of young people, ESPECIALLY when those complaints are against family members.

I do believe that victims need to be supported and listened to. If we, as a society, paid more attentions to victims and their treatment, there would likely be less trouble in the world.

Personally, I think that abuse among family members is accepted much more today within law enforcement than it ever has been. However, the social services and the schools seem to not see what is right in front of them sometimes.

But even when abuse is seen the response withing families can leave much to be desired. I'm not so sure that such claims within the family structure have changed all that much over the years.

I know there are mothers and fathers who do hear their children's claims of abuse but there are still many others that don't. Abuse is being reported more than ever before but that doesn't mean that it is being reported and successfully dealt with anywhere near the extent to which it is occurring.

The pressure within families to not rock the boat still is the driving force in most families where abuse occurs. Victims recant their stories because of the pressure applied within their families. Those victims find it easier to keep quiet and take the abuse than deal with the entire family turning against them. We need to find a way to address these issues.

All of these things may be true but they don't change the circumstances of this particular crime and others like it, there is NO excuse for such behavior. Just as casey stated in the comments Many of us have suffered and overcome terrible abuse in our lives...and yet we have not struck out at anyone..not even the perpetrators.

This was a cold blooded killing of 6 innocents...no matter how the press chooses to portray it.

In the dictionary there is a big difference between excuses and reasons.

By definition the noun excuse: a reason (sometimes false) for an action. Examples of excuse:
Failures always come up with a lot of excuses to explain why they can't succeed in life.

By definition the noun reason: cause; basis for action

Notice that there is no such example for reason. The reason behind people's actions, whatever it might be, does not always lead to failure. However, those who function always making excuses for their actions, many times end up as failures.

By definition the verb excuse: to forgive entirely or disregard as of trivial import

When the day comes that we as a society excuse (verb) people for crimes based on excuses (noun) of abuse. we will be in real trouble.The crime that was committed must never lose weight based on any kind of excuse because abuse does not justify murder or more abuse for that matter.

Our jails would be empty if abuse was a valid reason to excuse someone from their behavior. That would not make those people happy or guarantee they would not continue their lawless ways. The world would be pretty chaotic.

Granted the jails are full of angry people and some of those might have taken different roads had they never encountered abuse. However, it was still a conscious choice that they made to break the law. If we are to have any hopes of being a lawful society, people must be accountable for their behavior.

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did
abuse

Mass Murders Close to Home

Newspapers and newscasts all over the world are giving front page coverage to the story of the mass murder of six family members in Carnation, WA on Christmas eve. People all over the world are unnerved by this heinous crime and the fact it was committed on Christmas eve. Here in Washington state, people are particularly rattled because this is our home, our backyard and even our neighbors. There are faces on the news of people we recognize! How could this be?

Killed were a married couple in their early sixties, her daughter and son-in-law and their two young children, a six year old boy and a three year old girl. According to the reports the daughter and her family were killed because they came for a visit for Christmas eve and stumbled upon the murder of the parents. They were killed to not leave any witnesses.

The breaking news
on this story last even was that the perpetrators of this crime are actually the daughter and boyfriend of the older couple murdered. They lived on the site in a separate home.

An unidentified family member last night stated that the daughter was disgruntled with her family. She felt that she had not been treated fairly and was being cut off and rejected by them.

This is the part that gets to me. It seems that all of those involved in mass killings complain about being mistreated by society or their families. I'm getting really tired of hearing their excuses and the fact that the press seems to jump all over those complaints like they have some validity. Instead of using that information as the clue it is into sociopathic behavior, they just sensationalize it.

At the same time this whole thing makes me nervous and a little afraid. Easily any member of any dysfunctional family has the potential to be the one to go off the deep end and commit such a crime. Unless one has the skills of an FBI type profiler, being able to detect sociopathic behavior, there is no way to even begin to protect oneself.

Even at that there are many sociopaths out there who will never cross this particular line so it would still be a guess at best. But it is still unnerving to have it happen this close to home. It makes me think about my children at their jobs and my grandchildren at their schools, preschools and day cares and wonder who they come in contact with might be capable of such violence.

Obviously, this isn't a question I am going to get answered. At the same time with this so freshly before us, I can't help but worry. There just are not enough people out there working on their issues for there to be any remedy soon for this kind of behavior. I think until the average person learn to accept one another and live in harmony, there's not much chance this is going away.

We human beings, being what we are, learn from all kinds of behavior, good and bad. The number who have learned that killing is a remedy for their unhappiness grows with each new episode. The result is that occurrences like this are happening more and more frequently. That is what scares me the most. Where will it end? Or better yet, When?

mass murder in Washington state murders on Christmas Eve Carnation Washington Killings mass murder

What Not to Tell on a First Date - My Mom's a Multiple

My youngest son was visiting recently and we were talking about how his life is going. He's been like many young men his age struggling some to figure out his direction. He moved away from here very angry and thinking it was all my fault that his world wasn't what he wanted it to be, kind of the typical teenage stuff.

He's come a long way since then. Finally learning to take responsibility for his life and his choices. Actually a really big step was him finally realizing that he did have choices at all. He stumbles some, but don't we all, but on the whole I think he really is on the right track. I'm pretty proud of him.

He's long since gotten over being mad at me. One of the things that he's still struggling with is relationships. He's made a couple of pretty scary choices in the past with the women that he's trusted. Both of his major relationships turned out to be with very needy women. Let's just leave it at that.

But he has figured out that he's been hiding from relationships because of fear of going down that road again. He's done a lot of work on himself and is thinking maybe he's ready to take a risk and begin dating again. With all of the work he's done he now thinks he knows what he is looking for in a woman.

So the conversation we were having was about a couple different women that he has met. How they are different than "those other women" and other important things like that.

It all sounded pretty good to me but I know better than to get excited thinking he's figured "IT" all out. I know that learning comes in layers and is really a gradual process. He's going to make mistakes, that's just how it goes.

Then he begins to tell me about this first date he'd been on. One of the things he told this young woman is that his mother is a multiple. He laughed and said he figured if that didn't scare her off, she might be worth a second date.

I wasn't really sure how to take that revelation. I have to wonder what kind of effect my MPD had on my kids. Then he told me that he'd felt like we'd protected him from the "details" of my multiplicity. Although he'd been a small child at the time of my treatment, he really didn't feel that he'd noticed any "disturbances" or so to speak.

Actually, I was quite surprised to hear that he felt sheltered from my problems. I sure didn't feel like I had protected my children nearly enough. So I asked him if he remembered me flipping the six foot sleeper sofa across the living room with one hand. Yes, you read that right, I was at my limits and getting pushed well beyond them. I reached down and with my left hand (I am right handed BTW) and jerked up the sofa by the front corner and flipped it across the room. It rolled a** over tea kettle before it landed.

Both of my small children were in the room when this happened. Neither of them were hurt but everyone in the entire house was stunned. None of them as stunned as me. That was my wake-up call that I really needed to do some intensive rage work. I think I began my sculpting not long after that.

But now, as I asked my son this question, his eyes got big, his eyebrows raised but he smiled as he responded with a big inflection, "Oh.......Ya...........I remember!" Then he laughed.

I guess if that's the only reaction he has to what was a mortifying experience for me, I probably did a better job of protecting him from my craziness than I thought. I know I wasn't really crazy, but I really felt crazy and it's hard to believe that they didn't experience it the same way that I did. I am relieved to know that he did not.

I believe that multiples who are raising children may be as concerned about how their system is affecting their children, just as I was. So I thought this little story might add some needed perspective. I have to say, it sure has for me.

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Kahless and More Questions on Multiples

In the comments on yesterday's post What to Do About Mothers? Kahless is wondering about differences between singletons and multiples and how the balance between good and bad might be affected in a multiple system.

I addressed how the dark side of a person could be isolated in
Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns I think that part of what Kahless might be asking is covered in these posts. I also spoke to how doing so could be exploited in such a manner as to create personalities without a conscience. This would be an extreme in dissociation.

Dissociation is a complicated subject and multiple personality disorder (or dissociative identity disorder) is the extreme is that process. I think few professionals even really understand it fully. For the sake of the discussion here I'll start off with some basics. The professionals say that everyone dissociates at one time or another. That would include singletons as well as multiples.

Anyone driving down the road and thinking about other things instead of the road, is dissociating. Checking out mentally while waiting in line is a form of dissociating. Victims of rape who experience sitting up in a corner watching what is happening to them are also dissociating. Separating one's feelings from one's thoughts is another form of dissociation. People who do these things do not have to be multiples.

How exactly they draw the line at what makes a person a multiple, I'm not really sure. My guess is that the loss of time would be a factor in that diagnosis. However, not all multiples loose time, but they all have lost time at one time or another.

In the process of dissociating, multiples may compartmentalize their feelings and/or their experiences, depending on the system. I would guess that life conflicting with their value system has a direct affect on the need for the compartmentalization in the first place. However,their value system may or may not be affected in how those compartments are formed. It may be intact in some compartments, all departments, split between compartments. The possibilities are endless.

Kahless wondered if "within a multiple, different alters may not necessary have this same range (between light and dark as a singleton) because they may be one aspect of personality on the range?"

In simple terms the compartment is formed to separate the victim from horrendous abuse. Building walls to keep knowledge of abuse, its feelings and memories separate from, usually, the core personality protects the psyche from dealing with something it can't really understand. Whether or not a system separates its values all up into little boxes or replicated them from personality to personality would be different from system to system.

Personally, I believe that, other than the satanic cults who know how to separate the dark side for exploitation, multiples who themselves make the choice to form their barriers to exploit certain of their values, or lack of them, probably had lots of anti-social behavior before being a multiple. This already established negative behavior exploits the psyche's ability to compartmentalize as a way to not be responsible for one's behavior.

But on the whole, that is not the case with most multiples. Compartments will be formed in whatever manner the child believes will protect them. Many if not all compartments may have the values of the part they split off from. How those develop will be affected by that part's life experience which will affect it's beliefs.

I hope that this answers the question as I understood it. Clearly many or even all parts of a multiple system will have some form on conscience. What that form is will very much be affected by the particular system, the abuse and the extent to which the offenders were able to control the victim.

The other thing that is interesting to note, is that those compartments will mature based on the frequency and quality of their life experience. That means if a part rarely, if ever gets to the forefront except for it's original inception, that part will not mature. It will stay stuck at the age it was at its formation.

I think that is one of the biggest problem that multiples face. Because personalities locked away in compartments are separated from the input of life's experience, those parts are unable to make informed decisions. Emotionally stunted because of the barriers of their compartment, even when they get the chance to emerge, they are limited by their emotional maturity and knowledge of the world. And they still do not have access to the experiences of the total psyche to affect change.

For a multiple system to heal there must be acceptance of all of the parts. Understanding the why's and how's play a major role in that acceptance. Imagine a five year old trying to understand multiple personality disorder.