My Reasons.........

Now that I put my opinion out there Are Multiples Responsible? , I guess it might be appropriate to share how I got to that opinion in the first place. After all, I didn't just take a leap of into oblivion to get there. I have life experiences that contributed to these feelings of mine.

The first time I really remember the subject of multiplicity as a legal defense was back a number of years. I think the case was a man named Billy Milligan. If I remember correctly he raped someone and MPD was his defense.

There was a book written about his case, The Minds of Billy Milligan It's been a long time since I read if but I remember correctly the man had something like seven alters. In the writing the author used the reference "minds" to indicate the beliefs and behaviors of those alters.

What I remember most about that book was that each alter seemed to manifest symptoms of being an offender. There wasn't one part without some sort of behavior that spoke loudly to this person's proclivity to manipulate his way through life, not ever being responsible for his behavior and screaming loudly how he was the victim here. When I put those characteristics all down on paper, it looked like a list you'd use to diagnosis an offender.

His lawyers argued he was just a victim. Most parts had no control over what happened and it would be a crime to lock the other parts up for what one had done. To me it looked like all the parts fulfilled the purpose of the whole, getting through life preying on others and always coping out to being a victim.

On the other side of the coin, I have personal experience with a couple of multiples who did bad things in their lives but probably never would have had they known they had another choice.

The first of these was a woman I met at the counseling center we both used. It turned out this woman was not only a cult survivor, she was a cult enforcer. She made people pay by either torture or murder for going against the cult's rules.

I can't tell you at what point I knew she had an alter than was an enforcer. It certainly wasn't right from the start but I developed a relationship with this woman. I cared about her and her safety. Guess I didn't think much about mine but that might be because I always felt I was safe with this woman. The thought she might hurt me just never crossed my mind.

At one point some strange things began happening. There was a break in at the counseling center. There was also a fire set in the dumpster outside. They thought it was cult activity of some kind.

Shortly after these things began, this woman disappeared. If I recall correctly, I knew she was fleeing but I didn't know the details except that it was for her to stay alive.

Many months later I met up with this woman for a while. It was then I learned the reason she had fled is because the cult had ordered her to kill me. I was doing lots of interviews and appearing on television shows and they wanted me silenced.

Despite those orders and the fact she was a multiple with memories walled off and little if any co-mingling of thoughts or feelings at the time, this woman put her own life at risk to save mine. I think the reason for that was at the core of her existence she knew I was truly her friend and the thought of killing me rocker her to the core.

Somehow she managed to subvert her programming to protect me and keep herself alive. At the time I met up with her she was doing extensive therapy to get free of the cult once and for all. By then other parts of her knew terrible things had been done over the years and they were trying to resolve the internal conflicts that were a result of doing things that were foreign to their beliefs but necessary for survival.

This was not my only experience being targeted by cult programming. There was a time I went to a hospital in Colorado to finish up my deprogramming. The first night I was there I met a woman who was also a cult survivor.

That woman had been in therapy for seventeen years with a psychiatrist at the hospital. He was considered to be the leading expert on satanic abuse in the country at the time probably because he had this woman as a patient.

Sitting down to dinner that night, the high priestess personality of this woman threatened to kill me if I didn't quit talking. I remember being more concerned maybe this doctor had no clue what he was doing than I was worried about being killed by this woman. After all, she was locked up in the hospital to keep her safe from this particular personality.

The woman got out from time to time. Then there would be some indication that this high priestess was up to her old tricks and the woman would put herself back in the hospital. I don't know how much time she was spending outside those walls but I do know she was determined to control the behavior of that one personality. The woman willingly gave up her freedom to be sure other alters were not doing bad things.

What I learned from both of these women was that a multiple can still be true to her/his core values without really knowing or understanding what other parts are doing. When those core values were compromised in a big way (we're talking about murder here as well as torturing people.........not little things like telling lies), somehow these multiples figured out a way to stay true to themselves.

To be continued...................

Are Multiples Responsible?

I was recently asked if I could help a friend understand how she could have known a woman for many years yet not known what that woman was capable of doing. The reason it was felt I might be able to help with this situation is because the "offending" party has been diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).

I am not offended by such questions. I am very open about my diagnosis. Obviously I have done nothing to hide my true identity during this blogging experience because I use the same user name for my horse blog and this blog. I am not worried about what people might think knowing this fact about me. I chose to not let secrets have power over me and my diagnosis would have just that if I treated it as something to hide.

I "get" that there are many reasons that people chose to hide a diagnosis of mental illness. There's lots of prejudice in the world about such things. For me, as I've stated before, I'm not convinced that my diagnosis is a mental illness.

I'm not saying that I think someone with the diagnosis isn't mentally ill. I believe that is possible. I don't, however, think it is a given. Just because someone is dissociative does not have to mean they are mentally ill. I think how that person functions should be the determination of mental illness or not.

I hope that being open about my "diagnosis" will help others learn to look more closely before jumping to conclusions. Anyone taking the time to get to know me will find I function pretty well even through things that would set "normal" people on their ear. I do that because I am in good mental health despite the fact I still have dissociative parts.

But off of this soap box and back to the question posed by my friend. You see this friend she had known for years has committed a pretty serious crime. Her defense is going to be that she is a multiple.

To be honest I don't know if I really answered my friend's question or if I got off on my own personal tanget. You see there is nothing that frustrates me more than someone who has committed real crimes using the defense of mulitlicity to get them off the hook.

Before I go down that road I might qualify my opinion first. I do believe that mulitiples can be manipulated to do crimes solely for the sake of others. I also believe when they are doing such as a direct result of programming and through no real choice of their own, they are not responsible for those behaviors.

In other words, someone who is really good at the core will essentially do everything possible to stay that way. They might have parts that do "bad" things to stay alive (even if it doesn't appear that way upon initial discovery) but it is survival at the root of their bad behavior not what they really believe to be right. Given the chance to chose for themselves instead of being dictated to by programming, those parts will find their way to the goodness they came from.

However, I do believe that crimes can be committed by a multiple that really are the choice of that whole person. I think the direction a part takes is directly related to the abuse that formed it AND the core values of the individual. That person who started off blaming the rest of the world and expecting the world owes them will still be that type of a person even though they might concoct good parts as a way to hide in society.

Goodness or evil in an individual do not reflect the overall tendency of the core. Most multiples I have met are basically good at the core even if they don't know it. They are looking for a way to fit in and be happy and not wanting it to be at the expense of others.

It is those who are making their way at the expense of others and copping out to being multiple that I believe are the ones that are esentially not good people. They use MPD as a mask to hide their antisocial behavior and aren't really all that interested in healing because the mask works so well.

Now I know this post will open a can of worms. I certainly hope that people will post their opinons and their questions. We can all learn from the input and I am certainly open to anything that will challenge my beliefs so have at it.................let the comments fly!

Thoughts on MPD/DID

After the last post My Own Questions for a Change.......... I can't/won't avoid dealing with the words "mental illness" that I used towards the bottom of that post. It galls me to use those words in reference to MPD/DID even though I know it appears in that book as a diagnosis for mental illness. I guess the reason for my intolerance for the words comes from my belief one can still be a multiple and not be mentally ill.
Sure being dissociative is different from others, but it's a coping mechanism. It doesn't have to mean one is "crazy" or "mentally ill." Just because someone is dissociative does not mean they are dysfunctional or anymore dysfunctional than most.

The diagnosis itself does not mean someone needs help. It is how it is manifesting itself that dictates that. What matters is how it affects one's life in the here and now.

Now I'm not saying that a person with MPD/DID automatically is just fine. Obviously there's a reason the person used the coping mechanism and to have a normal healthy life those issues need to be dealt with. What I am saying is that a multiple can deal with their issues and still be dissociative AND be mentally healthy.

I realize there are those who would disagree. Some think the only way to be healthy is to totally integrate but I just don't believe that is true. I have had enough major trauma in my life since therapy to know that I am coping just fine. I have even been evaluated by mental health professionals who believe I am functioning just fine too.

If I didn't tell people openly that I have had this diagnosis no one would ever know. People don't "see" anything different about me other than the usual "all people are different" kind of things. Their reactions wouldn't be "that woman needs help."

Thoughts on Easter

Looking at some of my poetry and some recently posted by JIP's, one just can't help but wonder what those people were thinking when they did those terrible things. It's hard sometimes to understand why stuff like this happens in the first place but even harder to fathom what was really behind it.

Disconnecting from "it happened to me," instead thinking like someone observing satanism, I can "see" the things "they" do. All are really about ridiculing God..........a "neener, neener, neener" in the face saying evil exists and God can do nothing about it..................unless, of course, He does away with free will and no longer allows us humans to make our own choices.........an attempt to make God, Himself, feel powerless.

Every ritual, every victim intended to wound God himself. The more excruciating the pain, the more innocent the victim the more the heart of God breaks. That's what the intent of Satanism really is. All of it is to make God pay for rejecting the evil archangels, throwing them from heaven into the abyss.

Sure the convoluted way the satanists twist holy rituals into their own form of evil holds innocent children in their trap but the real focus of their perversions is an assault on good. Because they can never attain it..........they are driven to defile it.

Yet they are so caught up in their own evil, they can't even see, as they have trapped their victims, they have trapped themselves. They made their choice long ago and now they are stuck living with all it entails. Like bad little boys jeering at their superiors, they strike out seeking to defile everything sacred in their attempts to get even. All they do, however, is drive themselves deeper into the blackness.

Each soul they steal, an attempt to fill the void that comes from the absence of godliness. Yet the void is always empty because that's all a void can ever be. They exist enraged by their own very existence, because despite their best efforts, they can never win. The only way to fill that void is with good..............and good..... they can never be.


Their victims, on the other hand, still have the chance to find their way free. Their experience with true darkness enough to convince they seek the total opposite. And those who touch the lives of these survivors equally compelled. Instead of destroying the army of God, the satanists are actually building a league of warriors driven to goodliness.

Just as God's son arose from death on this day, each survivor, who finds her/his way past the oppression of evil, is resurrected into the light and is welcomed triumphantly by the Father.

BS..........Or Good Sense?

My friend, JIP, wrote this post about discovering that her old therapist really didn't have her best interests at heart. After reading the post I also read the comments before posting my own. I reflected in my comment I thought the others were right on the money. Then I went back over those comments and realized an anonymous commenter in his supposed support of JIP made it clear he didn't think much of a post I'd recently done.

That actually caught me off guard, just a bit. First off, the reference to my post really didn't have anything to do with JIP's post. (unless, of course anonymous felt the need to defend his behavior as a service provider maybe) Secondly, I wasn't really expecting to see this information on her blog when it was about what I'd said in my post. Seems to me the appropriate place for it was on mine.

I don't really expect those reading my blog to always agree with me. However, I would think if someone was supportive, as had previously been stated by that person, if there was a problem with me, it would be made known on my post instead of slamming it somewhere else. When I consider this person claims to be a service provider for SRA survivors this behavior seems even more odd to me.

It's hardly a response one would expect from a caring person, let alone a therapist or support person. It could really be destructive if a survivor was not strong enough to deal with this kind of put down. (I would call referring to what I said as BS a put down, wouldn't you??) So I thought I'd address it here, since here is where the whole thing started and I think the subject deserves some discussion.

The post in question is The Devil's in the Details Just for the record I did not write this post strictly because of previous interactions with anonymous, although those things certainly did play a role. Between several unhelpful suggestions on how to deal with things within my system on his part and other things I've noticed other places I came to the conclusion it would be good for survivor's to have the subject addressed.

This quote is from the comment on JIP's post. but as I said, really is a direct response from anonymous to the above post from my blog.

What people don't understand about MPD is that it has to be guided at times becuz of the nature of the programming. In modern times, the cult puts anti-therapy programming and alters in usually that will work well with a cult therapist. All of this BS about not guiding, suggesting or what ever the heck, if that works for you that's great, but many who have been integrated know that there are times in their lives they needed more help than, "oh that must be so hard for you".

I find it interesting that my words have been reduced to "BS" because I suggested that "guiding" survivors is not really helpful. It seems obvious I hit a nerve from the manner of response I received. It also seems, because I have chosen not to integrate, in this person's eyes somehow my healing is flawed........a result of my cult programming maybe, instead of my own choice.............or maybe unlike anyone else's. So what might be unhelpful for me somehow does not count because there's no way it would be the same for others.

I think it's unfortunate that anonymous could not see that my words pertained to being a facilitator to a survivor instead of someone telling a survivor how they should heal. Any effective therapy I have ever seen or participated in involved helping people to find what their choices were, and then letting them make their own choices......not giving them instructions on what to do or telling them how they must chose.

To the contrary, it has been my experience that therapists involved in making decisions for their clients have been very detrimental to those clients. I am not the only one to have the experience of being pushed over the edge by a therapist who knew better than I what I needed to heal.

The programming done in SRA is a mine field of self destruct mechanisms designed to keep the cult's secrets. Since each multiple is different, there are variations within that programming. There is no cut and dried road map to find the answer or diffuse the ticking time bombs. The only one who can accomplish those things or understand the dangers is the individual multiple.

Any outside who believes his/her experience as a healer gives them some kind of crystal ball and license to "know better" than the survivor is indeed out of line. In my opinion, any service provider who thinks he/she knows more about what's necessary than the multiple herself/himself in this regard is dangerous.

Just like Mon was convinced that she knew best for JIP, her efforts caused much harm. The therapist who decided remaining in my support group was not good for me nearly pushed me over the edge. It was NOT another service provider with "right answers" who saved me. I saved myself despite those outside influences that knocked my system out of balance. I know of other multiples with similar experiences. All of them ended badly. Therapists who think they "know" what they are doing in regards to SRA are pretty scary to me.

Also, anonymous's sarcastic remark ending with "oh that must be so hard for you" couldn't have been farther from what I was talking about in my post. Getting lost in the details of what happened is one of the traps laid by the cult. You could spend forever going over those messages, if you didn't kill off the survivor first. Yet the only part of the message anonymous seemed to note was the part that reflected how he "helps" survivors by telling them what to do to deal with things.

And yet anonymous did say some things that were very right as far as support goes. Where I have a problem is when he decides that he knows best and that he IS the expert and he can "tell" a survivor how to deal with issues. That right there is enough to send red flags my way.

The people I found most helpful in my recovery were those that admitted they were NOT experts. They felt insecure about what they knew. The only thing they knew for sure was that I needed help and they respected my process. At no point did they try to tell me what my process should be nor try to steer me away from something I needed to do.


Even now after the fact, with another email and supposed caring, I heard loudly what an expert anonymous believes himself to be. Brazen enough to declare he learned nothing from our interactions and my posts implying he was already an expert. That alone is enough to make me wonder.

While I can imagine his response to this,that's not what's important to me. Anonymous has already shown his ignorance by his inability to see the flaws in his knowledge. How could he make harmful recommendations for my system, be told that was the case, and yet find there is nothing new to learn. If that doesn't speak to a scary arrogance, I don't know what does.

I can't help but be grateful I didn't run into someone like him back when I needed help. Who knows how far over the edge he'd have pushed me with his quest for details, inappropriate directions and flawed knowledge about what my system should be.

I point these thing out in the hope those who need help will be able to read some of the signs and trust them so they have the skills to protect themselves from "help" like this that is not so helpful. Unfortunately there are others out there who would do the same things in the name of "being there" for survivors. I'm not going to guess as to their motives. What's important to me are the signs that say this person may not be helpful and could even cause harm.

So what do you think is the BS here.........or the good sense?

The Question of All Questions

JIP did a series of posts about her experiences with God during cult activity. The first of those one seed of truth
tells of the gift she was given by God that she didn't even realize was there until now. With the help of her pastor, JIP was able to recognize that gift given long ago. JIP calls that gift the "seed of truth." me, I would call it hope.

I believe we all receive that gift. We may not know it and even if we do, we may not know what to do with it or we may not even want it. But the fact we have it is significant. I think hope is the thing it takes to keep us hanging in there and trying to get free.

The second post in the series,
the seed of truth part two has the specific experiences that JIP remembers God being there even if she didn't understand it was He or his messengers. She remembers being saved from dying and getting comfort.........but not being saved from the abuse.

The question is "Why did God not just save JIP?" Just as any victim asks of God, "Why did you let this happen to me?" Most of us have heard the answer but think it's just a cop out of some kind.

What would make "free will" more important than the pain of a child? While I'm not a theologian I can see the problems that would arise if God fixed things whenever He felt like it. Also, I'm pretty sure we humans are so fickle we'd still be mad at Him because He'd fixed something we didn't think needed fixing. He is the All Knowing One, not us, maybe we just need to trust.

I think there's really no point in going around and around on that subject of free will anyhow. Most people will never understand it, it's more an acceptance based on "faith." I'm pretty sure that's what it is for me, my faith tells me that I can trust God's means of handling things......which is allowing us to find our own way through things.

I think maybe the best way I know how to deal with this topic is to explain my process through this particular issue. I have never been mad at God for not saving me. I guess I never had the expectation He would save me. He didn't save His own Son dying on the cross so why would I think He should save me?

Surely, in the beginning I didn't feel like I was worth saving. That, however, has nothing to do with my particular reasons for not wondering "why." I guess for me it was because I realized right off God had helped me. He gave me the tools to help myself.

For a long time I didn't know how to use them, but the tools were always there. I believe that is what God does for each of us. He gives us the tools and we have to chose whether to use them or not. It is up to us to learn how to use those tools to protect ourselves. Sometimes we don't see they are there or what they represent so we don't use them but it is our choice.

As victims we have been convinced to believe that we have NO choices. Because of that we don't look for solutions or we don't trust them when they are right there in front of us. Either way keeps us trapped. We are unable to get free until we seek out those choices and utilize them. We have to "trust" on some level that we can take the risk to try what we don't really believe will work.

I know for me I have gained personal power and respect getting through this stuff. I can't help but wonder if God have saved me, if I wouldn't still be struggling thinking I wasn't worthy in the first place. The journey to get through this stuff has taught me the things it's taken to learn to accept myself and to heal.

For me, I think maybe that was God's plan for us in the first place. Some people will never use what God has given them. They will continue to complain He is unfair and hate Him because that's what they do. That's the kind of people they are. Like I've said many times before, they don't call it "The Road Less Travelled" for nothing. It is a spiritual journey that many chose to never take, others chose the low road and a few chose to find the road to spirituality.

Adam Walsh's Murder Finally Solved

Who killed Adam Walsh? The abduction and death of this little boy has been one of those things on my mind for years. Wondering what really happened to him and who could possibly have done it.

Ever since my therapy days I've been intrigued by the stories of serial killers and mass murderers. I think I've read all the books. I don't think it was a ghoulish curiosity as much as a need to understand that kind of mind. The more details I could piece together, the more I could protect myself I think.

Some cases in particular seemed to grab my attention more than others. The case of Adam Walsh was one of those cases. True, his case always seemed to be in the fore front with his father's constant efforts as an activist for the rights of missing and exploited individuals........but it was more than that for me..........a wondering if it could somehow be connected to things like what had happened to me, I think.

Anyway they now believe they have the answers.....Otis Toole, a serial killer who died years ago. The case is officially closed. I imagine at some point there will even be another book written on the latest chapter in this story. But what galls me is the comments of Mount Holyoke College sociologist and criminologist Richard Moran who was quoted in this news story by the Associated Press as saying of John Walsh's efforts
What it also did is make children and adults alike exponentially more afraid.

Is this guy a total idiot? Does he not realize that the world is NOT a safe place for children and that vigilance is important if you want them to BE safe. You would think after all of this time and the many people that John Walsh has helped with his efforts that this supposedly educated man would be able to see the value in this work instead of dwelling on the negative side of it as if it created a problem instead of fulfilled a need.

And what irks me even more is that the Associated Press in this release about the solving of this murder chose to use the words of this imbecile as their closing words. Talk about trivializing the death of this child, not to mention discounting the work done in his name to make all children safer. What on earth were they thinking?

Honor Thy Father and Mother

I know that this particular commandment gives lots of victims of abuse pause for doubt and lots of confusion. How do you "honor" someone who has abused you or stood silently by and let it happen? Learning to break free of victimization is tough enough without trying to find resolution with this commandment. I'm sure many get stuck wondering what's right.

For me there was never any question. I guess maybe it's my relationship with God and the Church are two different things. I learned long ago that man in the form of "church" can say and do lots of things that don't make sense. The way many chose to interpret this commandment just happens to be another of those things.

As mentioned in this analysis of the Ten Commandments, the order to honor one's father and mother is not an absolute granted by an unthinking God to enslave children to their abusers. On the contrary, God would never have intended for His law to be perverted the way it has been by some sadistic parents who manipulate it to browbeat children into submission. I doubt that God would ever expect a child to honor parents who don't and didn't honor their children.

I like the Hebrew definition of "honor" which means "heavy." It seems to make much more sense than the "honor" that most parents demand. And it makes sense to me that the Hebrew definition would be the correct one since that's where these commandments came from in the first place.

So what does "heavy" mean in this context? It means to weigh heavily. To give things that extra thought and consideration while deciding what is best. It doesn't mean blanket permission for parents to demand respect when it hasn't been earned. It means to weigh their request against what is real and see if it fits. If it does..........good. If not, then it's ok to walk away. It's as simple as that.

I haven't seen a survivor yet who has just walked away from a family member or parent easily. Or one who has ignored an unreasonable request who didn't first sweat blood and tears making the determination. We already carry the grave burden of "it's family" or "my parent." Deciding to go against their wishes to take better care of ourselves is a heavy, heavy burden that we take seriously.

I think that is all that God asks. That we weigh it fairly and then do what is best for ourselves and our mental health. God doesn't want us to be slaves to parental responsibility to parents who have not lived up to the role a parent is supposed to be in the first place. He wants us to find our own way in this world to true happiness and spirituality. If that means leaving behind sick family rules and all the attachments that go with them.....then so be it.

The Chaplain

With the recent accident of my daughter, Lindsay, I found myself in the situation of having to deal with the hospital chaplain. I guess I can understand why that would be a given for a trauma such as Lindsay's. But with just the mention of his title, I found myself cringing.

How am I to tell this man who thinks that he knows God that I don't need his assistance to pray. I am secure in my beliefs and I know how to pray in the way that works for me.......and yet telling someone that seems to just open the door for more of "their kind of knowledge of God." I've found that few will ever really understand or know the relationship that I have with Him.

A voice from within says that "Yes, God was there.....God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost......united together in the triangle around this child protecting her from this evil. It couldn't have happened any other way that she could be saved from the clutches of such evil.

The evil one dared to grab the child from the altar and while he tossed her aside like garbage onto the ground, he cried out in pain as his hand was seared. The molten flesh was falling in huge drips onto the floor as evil touched the pure innocence of God that shielded her. How do you explain that to someone?

Did she understand that God, Himself, had come to save her? Probably not but someone inside clearly did. The child knew that she could trust in God or she never would have had the courage to call out His name. Although I doubt that she knew He would actually save her when she did so. I think she thought she would go to Him when they killed her.

Regardless He was not what they had tried to teach her that He was. This God was good and someday maybe He would find it in His Heart to forgive her. And yet with all of this I find I still struggle with religion and those who are wrapped up tightly in it.

What does this mean in regards to this accident? It means that I do not have to pray with the chaplain the way that would comfort him but make me uncomfortable. I do not have to discuss my spirituality with anyone. The only one I answer to is Him. I can continue on living my life the way that I do and know that it is ok with God.

It means that I can trust that life doesn't happen to me because I am bad. It just happens.

Rants on Primetime

Last night I watched Prime Time - Crime air the story about two teen aged cousins from Toledo, Ohio who went out for a soda and disappeared. It turns out they were kidnapped and basically sold into prostitution. There were lots of comments flying around the internet today about a number of aspects of this story but I haven't seen one on the thing that really got to me.

Aside for the fact it took the police over 90 minutes to respond to the 911 calls for help when the family located one of their children by themselves and the girl's father was beaten to a bloody pulp by the pimp and two adult prostitutes. The thing that haunted me was the inference that this is only a problem with teenagers. I know from personal experience that the sex trade in children is not restricted by age.

I think one of the quotes from the story was "It's not uncommon to see 12- and 13-year-olds out. What we've learned is if you have adult prostitution in an area, there's probably child prostitution occurring as well. So it's more of a black market; it's more underground, but it's there." Another quote from the story The FBI estimates that currently there are 100,000 minors in America being forced to trade sex for money Yet they kept talking about teenagers........... the child sex trade includes children of all ages.

There are no age limits on perversion. There are plenty of sickos out there who are into sexual exploitation in infants and toddlers. Many pedophiles are turned off by the onset of puberty so why can't these people get it right and just call a spade a spade. There is a huge problem with the trafficking of children for sexual exploitation in this country.

It's not that I want to negate or take anything away from the horrible experience that happened to these two cousins because nothing could be further from my mind. BUT I do want people to open their eyes and realize this is a problem with ALL ages of children. Until society can see the light and acknowledge the problem for what it is, there's no way it's going to be stopped or even slowed down.

Younger children are much easier to keep quiet and hide, not to mention completely brainwash, than the older kids. I think that probably makes these crimes with the littler kids much more difficult to pin down. Without a willing to confront the problem that will continue to be the case which really frustrates me.

I know that this trade happens with even the smallest of children because I lived through it. AND I was not alone! I saw dozens and dozens of other children that were used as well in all sorts of perversions from prostitution to the making of pornography.....some were even murdered in the making of snuff films. That stuff sure hasn't stopped in all these years..........and as a society, we're not even speaking honestly about it. It's about time we get started bringing this topic into the light.

PS - This was a good diversion for me......getting angry has always been helpful for keeping the lid on things. I still haven't located my journals but am doing OK.

Freedom

Today as a number of my horse blogger friends have done posts on Memorial Day I find myself thinking about what freedom means to me. I have always felt strongly about how important freedom is. And I guess you could say that I've always been a bit sentimental about being an American but I've never really thought about why that is until now.

I wasn't brought up in a particularly patriotic family. I was always aware that my feelings were quite different from those around me. Yet I hung onto to those feelings very tightly. I didn't express them to those around me, but I felt them fiercely.

As early as I can remember learning about freedom, I have clung to the belief in it's importance for the people of the world. I grasped onto the concept like it was a lifeline even though I didn't understand why I was that moved by it.

Now, looking back I think that my concept of freedom has been largely affected by my victimization. Being brought up in an environment where freedom didn't exist, I think it was a dream I held. That along with me always rooting for the underdog are clearly based in the hope that just maybe someday there might be a smidgen of hope for me.

Who can better understand what freedom means than those who have been denied it? I have no doubts now that my sentimentality about freedom is directly related to all those years that I had none. Not just the years I was victimized but all those years afterwards when I was oppressed by the restraints of victimization.

Today, I am finally free and I value freedom in all its forms. Not just my personal freedom is important to me. Because I understand what one human being is capable of doing to another, I know that freedom is tenuous if it is not protected. I know that freedom is worth the lives it takes sometimes to ensure it.

This isn't about politics for me, it is about self preservation. As long as there is good and evil in the world, the world will never be perfect. Solutions to the inhumanities of man will not be black and white. They will be downright ugly sometimes but such is the price of freedom. Memorial Day will always be a reminder for me of both the freedom I have gained and the price others have paid for it.

Herschel Walker - Pro Football Legend - Multiple Personality Disorder

My phone rang this morning around 7:15 and my friend, Wendy, was on the line telling me that they were going to be talking about Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly know as Multiple Personality Disorder) on Good Morning America. I had seen the ads on television of Friday and I was curious so I pulled myself out of bed to see.

Mostly I was curious because I wanted to see what Herschel Walker identifying with Multiple personality Disorder was going to look like. I wanted to know if this was going to be another circus that makes multiples look bad or was it actually going to be something that helps bring useful attention to a diagnosis that many professionals still don't even want to accept.

I thought I had remembered news releases about Walker pulling a gun on his wife a while back. I knew that wouldn't make us multiples look good. It seems the only multiples that seem to get attention are those that are the extreme. Knowing that Walker pulled a gun on his wife doesn't make it look good for multiples being "normal" people with just a little bit different kind of problem.

Those professionals who do treat multiples believe that there are many multiples out there functioning just fine. No one would even notice or question because they are so high functioning. They think it's only when some kind of trauma happens that the system can get tipped out of balance and then therapy is required.

For Herschel Walker evidently that trauma was when he quit playing football. His whole life was wrapped up in that profession. When it came to an end the real problems started.

Also from the interview, it didn't sound like he really knows anything about the childhood trauma that cause him to dissociate in the first place. I wonder if the book will shed light on that subject.

That would be a good thing if he can pull it off. Because this ex pro football player is known by most Americans, he could be really helpful or do us all even more damage depending on whether or not those people believe him or not. Or whether they see him as sympathetic. If he comes off like another Mike Tyson bully athlete just trying to make excuses, he's not going to help the image of multiples. But if the public believes him and can empathize with him at all, it will sure help educate people.

My guess is many of his friends are now scratching their heads and thinking, that's what that was all about. I should have known. According to Walker the reason for the book was to help other multiples, to make people aware and help multiples be accepted.I guess for me the jury is still out. I will have to read the book. What do you all think?

Why can't some "normal" multiple like me get a book contract and tv time? I'm pretty sure the world would be surprised to see a multiple out of therapy, breeding, raising, training and showing my Arabian horses. I'm pretty sure those people in my industry would find my life to be pretty normal. A success story for a multiple is long over due if you ask me.

Kahless and More Questions on Multiples

In the comments on yesterday's post What to Do About Mothers? Kahless is wondering about differences between singletons and multiples and how the balance between good and bad might be affected in a multiple system.

I addressed how the dark side of a person could be isolated in
Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns I think that part of what Kahless might be asking is covered in these posts. I also spoke to how doing so could be exploited in such a manner as to create personalities without a conscience. This would be an extreme in dissociation.

Dissociation is a complicated subject and multiple personality disorder (or dissociative identity disorder) is the extreme is that process. I think few professionals even really understand it fully. For the sake of the discussion here I'll start off with some basics. The professionals say that everyone dissociates at one time or another. That would include singletons as well as multiples.

Anyone driving down the road and thinking about other things instead of the road, is dissociating. Checking out mentally while waiting in line is a form of dissociating. Victims of rape who experience sitting up in a corner watching what is happening to them are also dissociating. Separating one's feelings from one's thoughts is another form of dissociation. People who do these things do not have to be multiples.

How exactly they draw the line at what makes a person a multiple, I'm not really sure. My guess is that the loss of time would be a factor in that diagnosis. However, not all multiples loose time, but they all have lost time at one time or another.

In the process of dissociating, multiples may compartmentalize their feelings and/or their experiences, depending on the system. I would guess that life conflicting with their value system has a direct affect on the need for the compartmentalization in the first place. However,their value system may or may not be affected in how those compartments are formed. It may be intact in some compartments, all departments, split between compartments. The possibilities are endless.

Kahless wondered if "within a multiple, different alters may not necessary have this same range (between light and dark as a singleton) because they may be one aspect of personality on the range?"

In simple terms the compartment is formed to separate the victim from horrendous abuse. Building walls to keep knowledge of abuse, its feelings and memories separate from, usually, the core personality protects the psyche from dealing with something it can't really understand. Whether or not a system separates its values all up into little boxes or replicated them from personality to personality would be different from system to system.

Personally, I believe that, other than the satanic cults who know how to separate the dark side for exploitation, multiples who themselves make the choice to form their barriers to exploit certain of their values, or lack of them, probably had lots of anti-social behavior before being a multiple. This already established negative behavior exploits the psyche's ability to compartmentalize as a way to not be responsible for one's behavior.

But on the whole, that is not the case with most multiples. Compartments will be formed in whatever manner the child believes will protect them. Many if not all compartments may have the values of the part they split off from. How those develop will be affected by that part's life experience which will affect it's beliefs.

I hope that this answers the question as I understood it. Clearly many or even all parts of a multiple system will have some form on conscience. What that form is will very much be affected by the particular system, the abuse and the extent to which the offenders were able to control the victim.

The other thing that is interesting to note, is that those compartments will mature based on the frequency and quality of their life experience. That means if a part rarely, if ever gets to the forefront except for it's original inception, that part will not mature. It will stay stuck at the age it was at its formation.

I think that is one of the biggest problem that multiples face. Because personalities locked away in compartments are separated from the input of life's experience, those parts are unable to make informed decisions. Emotionally stunted because of the barriers of their compartment, even when they get the chance to emerge, they are limited by their emotional maturity and knowledge of the world. And they still do not have access to the experiences of the total psyche to affect change.

For a multiple system to heal there must be acceptance of all of the parts. Understanding the why's and how's play a major role in that acceptance. Imagine a five year old trying to understand multiple personality disorder.

Therapists - Help or Hinderance?? That All Depends

I can get pretty passionate about things from time to time. I have strong feelings about some things and am not really afraid to let anyone know about them. It gets me into trouble sometimes but I guess that's the way it goes. I believe that the only way the world can get to be a better place is by talking about the bad stuff that has happened.

One of the things I am most passionate about (besides Arabian horses lol) is the treatment of victims. I believe that the way the world is going to become a better place is by healing victims. Victims who are brave enough to seek help need to be able to count on that help. I have no time for 'bad' therapists!

A while back I wrote a post More Questions from Jumpinginpuddles in which I answered some questions from Amelia, one of the alters from the jumpinginpuddles system. The gist of the post was about Amelia having issues with the therapist when others in the system didn't and how it affected the entire system.

A comment from Lynn of Spilling Ink in Public was related to her What's Eating Me: Part Two My response to her post and to her comment on my post are both the same. I just want to protect her! I want to shield her from the pain she is experiencing because of an inappropriate response from her therapist. I want to find her a REAL therapist. AND I want to see that therapist lose his license! That's right, his license.

Ever since I read her post, I have wanted to respond to this situation but I needed some time to put my thoughts in order. This is such a serious subject that I didn't want to mess it up. Having been through the experience of a therapist's mistake almost killing me, I believe I've come to a place where I can now recognize a sick therapeutic relationship.

Unlike the relationship with the jumpinginpuddles system, Lynn's problem with her therapist is not a communication error between one alter in a system and a kind, caring and supportive therapist. Lynn is NOT so fortunate. "He told me that I was projecting my feelings about the rape onto my house and that if I could not live in the present moment, then I should find a psychiatrist so I could be medicated." Does this sound like a supportive therapist to you?

I think any caring therapist can make a mistake from time to time but in Lynn's case, I don't think this IS that kind of mistake! What happened to Lynn has to do with that therapist's values! And those values are opposed to all that healthy therapy is about! Any therapist that tells a victim anything that that translates to "now you know you're a victim, put it behind you and move on" isn't worth his/her weight in salt! Useless comes to mind for me.

All of the books, all of the conferences, all of the experts teach that a victim needs to deal with those feelings, NOT STUFF THEM! The very thought that this so called therapist suggested that she take drugs to just get it gone makes me want to scream. This is NOT therapeutic advice! It is destructive! It is toxic! It is so polluted with his own issues that there is no way it can be helpful!

I have been incensed by the inappropriateness of her therapist's response to Lynn. Then to see her comment on how she has protected herself even more because of his treatment, just infuriates me. Victims have a hard enough time healing without being victimized by their therapists!! Lynn's response to this treatment is typical victim behavior. She was victimized again and she's going to protect herself.

That is what happened to Lynn. She took the risk. Trusted the therapist with her deep dark secrets. He set her up wearing his therapist mask, promising to give her special care because of the circumstances. Then he pulled the rug right out from underneath her. Instead of giving her the support he promised, he punished her for trusting him. In that brief instant he dropped his mask and showed her his true colors. He showed her the unfeeling person that he really is. He humiliated her and he made her feel even more damaged than she already felt. He basically told her that her feelings were unimportant and that she was somehow crazy because she couldn't put it behind her.

With her history there was absolutely nothing unusual about the issues Lynn was experiencing. Triggering off of current things in her life, I think ALL of us victims do that! And we heal from it if some one caring helps us through those experiences. But to have a "fake" therapist do what Lynn's did, would be like a surgeon cutting you open and then just walking off and going home. The surgeon would get sued! This therapist is just as guilty of malpractice as any surgeon would be!

The therapeutic relationship has been so compromised by his inappropriate behavior, there is no way that Lynn can heal under his care. She has that "little voice" that he added screaming in the back of her head somewhere. If he really were concerned about Lynn and taking responsibility for his error, I think he would have found her a good replacement therapist so that Lynn had some chance of healing from what HE did to her and her other issues.

The very fact he thinks an apology can "fix" his transgression, tells me that he knows nothing about victims and what is healthy treatment for them. If he doesn't understand that he is not qualified to be treating Lynn or any other victim. My guess is Lynn is not the only one who has been damaged by this man.

Obviously I cannot fix this for Lynn but I can bring the subject up here and open it up for discussion. Victims being damaged by incompetent therapists is much too common. The only way that victims are going to know what is inappropriate behavior for a therapist is for situations just like this to be discussed. There is a fine line between being hooked by our own issues and being treated badly by a professional. I believe this situation is a clear case of the latter. Lynn's therapist really blew it. And Lynn is paying the price.


multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did

Body Memories

On the post, Punishing the Parts Within I was asked anonymously to do another post. This one is about body memories.

For those how have not been victims of rape or other forms of abuse, you may not be familiar with the phenomenon. Body memories are believe by the experts to be the storing of the memory within the body itself. It is also believed that storing trauma in this matter can lead to actual physical illnesses as well as the "expression" of the experience.

Whether these memories are actually stored in the muscle or stored in the brain and expressed in the muscle, I don't know. But what I do know is that when a victim has no idea that such a thing can even happen, experiencing it can be quite terrifying.

Body memories express themselves as if the actual trauma was taking place for the first time. There may be no cognitive memory of the event to accompany them. Just the physical reactions of the body to the trauma will materialize. That includes physical pain, distinguishing marks, secretions, anything the body may have gone through because of the trauma. Sometimes emotional memories will accompany them without an picture memory of the event.

There were a couple of different body memories in particular that I used to experience that were very disturbing to me. The one would show actual physical signs of fingers wrapped around my throat. The finger marks were quite red and angry looking and whenever they appeared, I struggled to be able to draw any breath at all. One more than one occasion, I passed out from lack of oxygen.

The other body memory that really disturbed me took a number of different forms. I would get red marks, muscle cramps, even joint popping and other indicators of physical torture. All of these were accompanied by abdominal cramping, the excretion of gobs of sticky vaginal secretions and sexual feelings that were not only alarming but totally humiliating.

With those physical sensations and manifestations I also experienced extreme terror. Sometimes all I had to go on to identify what was happening to me were by what my body showed my and the emotional memories that accompanied them.

The most unnerving part of body memories seemed to be that they would come without warning. I could have been sitting in church, talking on the phone to a friend or walking down the street. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to their occurrence. The only thing I could count on for sure was they would be terrifying and humiliating.

Because they usually lacked a picture memory to go with them, body memories seemed to be much more insidious to resolve. It was so much easier to throw the blame on me as some sickness or perversion of mine than to accept that this was something real that had happened to me. But I found the sooner I was able to own this memory as real and resolve my feelings around it, the sooner I was able to get free from its occurrence.

I know that I have had body memories that were associated with my victimization by the cult but I have also had body memories associated with abuses that happened no where near the satanists. It just seems to be another way the mind protects us victims at the time that needs to be resolved if we are ever to get free.

While experiencing pleasurable sexual sensations during all forms of sexual abuse is common, it is one of the biggest traps for victims. Victims tend to believe because there were some sensations that felt good, they somehow asked for, were willing participants, or deserved the treatment they got. Betrayed by our bodies responding with pleasurable sensations to heinous acts is just one more cruel trick played upon victims that interfers with the healing process.

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did body memories

Talking with Multiples

In a recent post More Dialog with an Alter from Another System I was trying to explain to this alter my observations of why commentors on that system's blog seemed to be concerned about one particular alter at the perceived (by the questioning alter) exclusion of others within the system.

I guess without really knowing it, I had opened the door about how singletons address multiples. Kahless was the first in the comments to step up and admit that she wasn't really sure how she should be addressing different alters within the same system.

I know, even as a multiple, I am concerned about how I am perceived by alters within a system. I know all too well what kind of chaos can be triggered by a well meaning but misunderstood gesture. But I also know the price we multiples pay because others don't know what to say, so they say nothing.

Understanding the dilemma, I decided maybe some clarification might make it easier for everyone concerned. I encourage questions because this is going to be complicated. The more clarifications the better prepared we all will be.

First off, in that post I had made reference to the fact that some alters believe that they are truly a separate person from the others and they really want to be treated as such. I see some singletons reply as if this is true. I understand that while this might make that multiple more comfortable, it is also not always a good thing for the system. For there to be healing, each alter must accept that she/he is part of a whole.

That doesn't mean that it is detrimental for others to honor an alter's request to address her/him individually . But there is a fine line between support and enabling. To encourage an alter to be or maintain separateness from a system would not be productive for the alter or the system. But to feel connected to a particular alter who you see as a friend and respond with support out of friendship is needed and shouldn't be withheld in fear of doing the wrong thing.

I don't think any harm can be done by offering a particular alter support. However, I think ending a comment by also including reference to the entire system would be even better.

We, multiples, start off feeling like we are freaks who don't deserve the care and understanding of others. Kind supportive words mean the world to us. I would encourage lurkers on the blogs of multiples (and others for that matter) who are going through tough times, to comment. If all you say is, " I'm thinking of you!" That can go miles in helping someone through a difficult time.

Personally, I try and gauge my responses on the circumstances. Generally, I hear what an alter has to say in terms of how it relates to the system. I try and answer accordingly in a problem solving manner. Sometimes I address the system and sometimes I address the alter. But usually when I address an alter specifically it is because that alter has a particular issue that affects the system.

I will speak directly to the alter and make reference to how and why this affects the system. You can look at this post above and see I am answering that alter's specific questions. In Questions from Jumpinginpuddles I suspected I was addressing two different alters within the same system. My answers all included how those problems affect healing of the system.

Sometimes I don't know what to say. Then I try and say something supportive. It may not be specific because I may not agree. I don't want to enable but still I want them to know that I care.

I think the most important thing I can say about interacting with multiples is don't be afraid. We are really normal people, we're just separated into parts. We have the same wants and needs as everyone else. We need to be accepted and loved.


multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did

Clearing Up the Confusion - or So I Hope!

The series of posts I have just finished, Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns seems to have confused some people. Or more particularly, it is the last two posts of that series, particularly Part 4 that has been cause for some confusion.


The purpose of the series was to educate people about the inner workings of a multiple's mind particularly when it comes to the subject of right and wrong. I wanted people to understand that the human psyche can be so manipulated an individual can actually lose their free will and become the tool of another's evil. Such a multiple can be forced to participate in things that are totally against everything she/he believes in.

But I also wanted people to understand that there are those rare instances when a person who is a multiple can already have made the choice of evil before they were ever multiple. That person I believe should be culpable for that choice.

Jumpingpuddles in her second comment on Part 4

***********I think what rising is saying is a system who accepts this alters behaviour as normal and ok are equally to blame, those whose systems fight those who want to hurt are those who i believe should be given a chance to be listened to.

and I would add to that, the systems who fight are NOT responsible for the behavior of that bad or group of bad alters!


So as lightening finally strikes me with more simplistic terms, I want to say it comes down to the HEART of the individual. If at the very core of that person there is a good heart, then that is what really matters. That multiple is NOT responsible for anything they might have done. It is the OFFENDERS who are responsible.

IF, however, at the core of that person is a black and evil heart, that person should be held accountable! That person had full use of their free will when they chose to be black and evil in the first place.

NOTE: If this doesn't clear this up, or does, please let me know! I will keep at it until everyone understands that multiples who are battling black alters or enforcers are NOT responsible for the actions of those alters.

Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns - Part 4

Part 1

I think the most overwhelming evidence I have seen across the years about whether or not a multiple should be held accountable for their behavior or not comes down to the overall behavior of the multiple. Those that are not guilty are the ones screaming the loudest that they are. Those that are guilty are the ones protesting their innocence.

I don't know if that makes sense to someone who doesn't make a study of human behavior. For me learning all the subtle and not so subtle cues identifying the bad guys has been part of my healing process. I have come to find this measure is pretty darn reliable.

The things that I have learned about those "takers" are the same whether singleton or multiple. They are constantly grooming themselves and those around them to see things their way. Part of that grooming includes pointing the finger away from them and off in another direction. It, whatever it might be, is always someone else's fault.A lot of attention is devoted to portraying themselves as victims. To their way of seeing life, everything that goes wrong is beyond their control. That is why you'll see rapists and child molesters claiming it was consensual or that the victim asked for it. It's just another part of the way they groom themselves so they don't have to live with guilt. Why feel guilt when they have done nothing wrong, in their eyes anyway.

For the criminal justice system the complexity in that comes because an innocent person will usually protest their innocence. However, if you look closely at the guilty party claiming to be innocent there is a trail of behavior that speaks to their manipulations. That is why police officers need to be careful and not get to that cynical stage where they no longer believe in innocence. The only way an innocent person can be found amongst the guilty is by very close attention to the most minute of details.

But back to the signs that tell whether a person is truly a victim, the person who is a real victim is always taking credit for things beyond their control. You can count on the victim to be the one who feels guilty. Part of victim behavior is taking on the responsibility of the offender. The victim will hide away in shame. Convinced that somehow it must be her/his fault.

There have been criminal cases where a person with multiple personality disorder (or dissociative identity disorder) is prosecuted. The defense lawyers argue that the person shouldn't be held accountable because that would be punishing all the parts when only the bad part did the deed.

I have to say that makes me crazy! I don't mean it makes me certifiable because I'm not, I'm about as sane as anyone you'll meet. But it just torks me off because it makes all of us multiples look bad. We are not anymore crazy than any other section of the population. Many of us are just like me, you would never have know if I hadn't told you.

AND I have my opinions about those multiples using that defense. I think they are just like all the other crooks, killers and rapists etc in the world, just using their diagnosis as an excuse to NOT be responsible for their behavior.

I read a book about one of those cases and it really made me sick. With all of the talk about the different personalities and what they were like, I still saw offender plastered all over this guys behavior. The core personality was a weak whiner too frail to deal with his behavior. The others each had plenty of attitude that said they were not to blame. But there were no parts who felt shame or guilt. The entire system supported the behavior of an offender.

The same was true for the woman multiple who was in my support group so many years ago. Once the cobwebs got cleared and the offences were out in the open, the true behavior became easier and easier to see. The only time she felt guilt was to get sympathy that it really wasn't her fault. There was not a sincere ounce of guilt at all.

I hope this has been understandable because I think it's really important information. To heal, those who are victims need to put the responsibility where it belongs and take it off their own shoulders. And for offenders to heal, they must first be able to take responsibility for their actions with all the appropriate feelings and stages that requires. And frankly, that is why treating offenders is so difficult and rarely successful. They are master manipulators with no empathy, getting them to accept they have harmed another, let alone they damage that they have done is next to impossible.







multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did offender behavior personal responsibility

Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns - Part 3

Part 1

After reading my understanding of how satanism can cripple one's conscience, one might think that my position is that all multiples are not responsible for their actions. However, that is not the case. I believe that would be a very slippery slope, not to mention that such thinking would totally subvert the healing process.

Human nature is just not that black and white. The ways that it can be manipulated by others and from within have an influence over how each person is shaped. What separates the responsible from the not responsible is directly related to those details.

I do believe that there are some individuals who have been so traumatized and manipulated early in their lives that their systems are under the control of others and their "free will" has been compromised. Obviously, I believe that those individuals are not responsible for what they have done under the influences of mind control.

On the other hand, I also believe that multiples are like every other segment of the population. There are good ones and there are bad ones. I think it would be misguided to throw all multiples and/or all victims into the same category. Clearly there are victims who turn into offenders and there are victims who would never consider harming another the way that they have been harmed. Multiples as a subgroup of victims would have the same possibilities.The trick is figuring out which is which.

In simple terms it comes down to good and bad again or how about the givers and the takers. We have all experienced "takers" in our lives but we probably have not stopped to think about them collectively.But I think if you examine that group closely you will find a list of behaviors that are indicators of potential abusers.

The "takers" in life are manipulative. They are never responsible for their behavior unless it works for them. They are always victims, at least in their eyes. They supposedly have no control over anything that befalls them. They always have an angle. The list goes on and on.

I think just as there are clues to identify serial killers (the extreme end of the continuum of abuse) there are clues to tell us whether a person (any person, multiple or not) will be a "taker" in life.For me "takers" are those people who are out there "collecting" everything they can get from life and giving nothing back. But "takers" can be confusing, they can be out there with a smile on their face volunteering for this or that, when it's all a front to hide their secrets, so they can look like they are giving.


It was easy to look back at Ted Bundy killing animals as a child and see he was on the path to be a serial killer. That's pretty black and white - he killed and enjoyed it as a child. John Wayne Gacy, on the other hand. was a clown for children. He gave of himself to the community BUT his chosen whiteface always frightened children. The freaky sharp points on the corners of his mouth were a big "no no" in the clown world for just that reason. Yet Gacy chose his trademark whiteface to carry that feature, was that not a clue that something was amiss?

And, yes, those are serial killers but the examples make a point. Sometimes evil is obvious and sometimes it is not but it is no less evil. John Wayne Gacy certainly did as much damage as Ted Bundy so it's important to be able to see and hear the little things that might tell you that someone is a "taker."

So how did I get from are multiples responsible for their behavior to "takers?" Well, for me it comes down to this. I do think that some multiples should be responsible to the law for their behaviors. I think those multiples come from the category of the 'takers."

The "takers" already had their manipulative behaviors spread across their systems before they were ever split. While compartmentalization may have taken place, it was but another way to not be responsible for themselves. Even if they had never split off, those people would have done whatever they could to suck the life out of those around them. These people clearly made their choices in life before they ever split.

I guess the reason this is important to me comes from this. Back when I was in a therapy group for women survivors of sexual abuse, there were a couple of different women who came through that group who turned out to be offenders (one was a multiple). I remember lengthy discussions about victims acting out that made no sense to me.

If a victim fondled a child inappropriately, how could it so easily be chalked up to acting out? How could there be a victim with no offender? And yet that is what excusing a victim's behavior as acting out implied as far as I was concerned. I was a victim but I didn't ever resort to fondling a child. The thought absolutely never crossed my mind. And yet, here we sat in group with victims who were being told that their behavior was understandable, somehow normal. I vehemently disagreed.

Over time, it became clear that these woman were offenders. The agency I was going to had to admit they had been operating under the false assumption that women don't abuse children. Over the years that followed, there were major changes in the way they saw acting out and determined abuse but not without a lot of discussion on the subject and some unfortunate lessons learned.

I will never forget the multiple I met there. I was one of two people she disclosed the sexual abuse of her daughter to while we were on a weekend retreat. Once the secret was out in the open, there were so many things about her that finally made sense. From that experience I have no doubt that she was as culpable for her behavior as any singleton might be. She clearly made her multiplicity work for her in enabling her behavior.

To be continued...........

Part 4

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism

Human Nature with All It's Twists and Turns - Part 2

Part 1


A child who has had her/his psyche fragmented no longer has input from her/his entire system. The input has been restricted by the process used to form the compartments. The goal is to keep those good compartments totally isolated from the bad ones. Cues are even put in place to call out the desired personalities when needed. and to cause the other parts to forget that the programming has happened or that they are sensitive to triggers so there is no overlap.

Once the compartmentalization has been done, the system is restricted in its ability to reason right and wrong. Its resources have been not only removed, but all traces of them obliterated. It is like the conscience never existed for some parts.

In addition, the parties who have caused this know that their power over this individual lies in controlling the input into these dark fragments. They make sure that the parts they want to control only experience life on the cult's terms thus guaranteeing ultimate control over the individual and all of its parts. This control is obscene and its ramifications go much further than most people could ever imagine..

The experience's the cult wants these parts to have, of course, are all horrendous. They want to assure that these isolated parts have no idea of good or its affects upon the world. They put extensive energy into manipulating the personalities turning them into bitter, bitter individuals, the darker the better. That way the personalities will do whatever they are ordered without hesitation and believe they are participating freely.

However, the person who is under this influence no longer has "free will" over their entire person. Free will is restricted by the walls within the system. Since information cannot flow freely and control cannot pass through the barriers, this individual is extremely compromised in the ability to live according to her/his values. Even the individuals instincts for self preservation have been compromised.

Adult survivor's of satanism struggle when they learn of the things their "evil" parts have done for the cult. That, too, is one of the things this programming counts on. The programming is designed to overpower the other personalities with guilt so they will hide and give way to the "evil" parts again or they will self destruct. Either way the cult wins. It is a built in safeguard to keep the person quiet and/or attached to the cult.

Only the survivor who is willing to face this guilt stands a chance of ever getting free from the influence of the cult. The difficult part is while the "good" personalities may be willing to stop the "bad' personalities, they have no knowledge of what has created those parts.

As the deeds of these "bad" alters are discovered, all the "good" parts have to go on is their overwhelming feelings of guilt that their "system" could do such things. The guilt they feel far outweighs their actual culpability for these acts. They totally lack the skills to see that the deeds have been accomplished through the manipulation and control of outsiders.

The cult doesn't really care whether the victim self-destructs, erupts in total chaos or retreats internally. Their secret remains secure because the victim is either dead, appears mentally unstable or continues to participate.

To be continued............

Part 3

multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism