More on Letting Go........and Honesty

This post on Letting Go turned out nothing like the first one that I first mentioned in My Voice Even though I had remnants of that post in my mind putting them together didn't lead me down the same road. I guess the post that blogger ate is really gone forever.

As I found myself writing the replacement, it started off the same but took a strange turn right after the first paragraph. I can only think I must have needed to write this new version as well. However, I wonder if the "other" message was important to some part of me too.

I think if I am to honor that voice of mine, and hopefully keep it engaged, it's important to remember what that message was so I can post it too. Funny how things can change when fate jumps in and intervenes

I did just get a brief flash on the lost content of the original post, it had to do with trying to control my life............and how fruitless that was for me. Back in the days when I would do or say about anything to keep someone from being angry at me, my life was really a mess. As much as I thought I was controlling my life and making it better, I was really spinning out of control heading for a huge crash.

I'm grateful for having learned (and believing) that I can't control what others think or feel about me, no matter how hard I try. I've been able to give up those controlling behaviors that took all of my energy and only set me up for failure.

It's still funny to me (in an odd peculiar way) how easy it was to believe that I had control of the world in those circumstances. Not speaking my truth to protect others seemed so harmless. Yet it nearly killed me.

It's nearly impossible to see the way that one swallowed statement led to another and another and the downhill slide that went with it. Before I knew it had turned into this big powerful weight holding me down and suffocating the life right out of me. Things were spinning out of control and I felt totally helpless.

That was the thing that got me.........that helplessness. I ended up feeling like I had no control in my life. No matter what I said or did was futile. That is what nearly killed me...........not being able to see my personal power or exercise it in any way. It was an easy leap from thinking not telling one truth would make my life better to having no power in my life at all.

to be continued...............

Self Preservation

So with the current situation having pushed my old buttons and triggered old cult programming I find myself going into self preservation mode. That means that all the normal things I do to "deal" with my issues end up on hold while I just do what I can to be sure I hold things together.

This is not something that I've had to do in a very long time. Normally, I'm not a runner. I'm known for dealing with my issues even when it's difficult. Granted I pick and chose my battles when it comes to conftontation but I'm pretty much a what you see is what you get kind of person. I'm not a game player and if I have a problem with you, you're probably going to hear about it..........well, that is if you're someone important to me.

I'm not the kind of person who will stand by and watch something inappropriate happen. I'll be right in there stepping up and confronting the person who's out of line. Heck, I've been know to confront strangers abusing children in stores or the mall so dealing with my family and their stuff is usually right up my alley.

But since it's my family (daughter and granddaughter) that have pushed my old buttons, I've totally backed off of dealing with them. For the time being I'd be just as happy not to deal with them at all. I'm really walking on eggshells afraid of complicating things any worse than they are all ready.

That really bothers me. The last thing I want is to push them aside but it currently feels like I have to chose between them or my life. While it may not be the best choice in the word.........I have to go with chosing self preservation. Hopefully there will be a lifetime to repair this damage later when the current jeopardy is resolved.

My only fear is that the damage that has been done to my shadow children by my daughter and granddaughter will not be easily repaired. While those children do not come to the forefront, they have a lot to say about how my system functions. If they want walls in place to keep the world at a distance, walls are what they get. I'm afraid there's going to be a lot of remodeling in their castle.

Strategy

I have been able to calm many of the other parts within by forming a plan of action.(That and cleaning stalls has always been settling for me.......maybe it's the fact I can think while I'm cleaning.) As long as I can keep them settled I can keep them from fueling the emotions of the shadow children.

The biggest obstacle is the wide assortment of things it takes to soothe my different parts. The most effective of all, of course, has been the horses but right now I am vulnerable through them. I am too susceptible to deal with my daughter or my granddaughter. One wrong move and this precarious balancing act I am trying to pull off would be disrupted. That could cause a cataclysmic reaction.

Since my daughter still has no idea of the dire consequences she has triggered in my system, I cannot trust her to protect me at all. That means I will be keeping my distance. With the six horses I am riding over near her home, it makes it difficult to do the riding I need and still protect myself. Not that I've had much time for riding since I'm taking care of Lindsay and the horses at home, but it sure would be helpful to get back on a horse.

I had hoped to take a couple of the horses from here and trade them with the two of the stallions from there but Dave got called into work and that was the end of the plan until he's off next. So instead of riding, I've been working on conditioning a couple of the young horses here. Just taking a little one on one time with the horses each day is good for me.

I've also been trying to locate my journals and my artwork. That hasn't worked out to well though. They're not where I thought they were and that's caused a bit of panic but I know they're here. I just put them somewhere for safe keeping. That "safe keeping" thing is what seems to get me into trouble. Whatever I've tucked away for "safe keeping" always seems to be the hardest to find.

In the meantime, I may end up borrowing some art supplies from my daughter. I've got some stuff rolling around upstairs that would do better on paper. I think working on this kind of stuff will help me keep things under wraps for now.

Thanks everyone for all your encouraging words and emails. It has really helped to know that I have such support here and it means a lot to me.

I apologize for not getting by to anyone's blogs. I just don't seem to be able to get that far in my day but I'll catch up when things settle down. I promise.

More on Unraveling **Beware Triggers

I don't look forward to re experiencing the tortures of my inner children. The last time is still clearly etched in my mind. I was fortunate enough to have a therapist in place who understood what was happening otherwise I think I might have ended up in a padded cell. If that should happen the odds are I would never get out. The blinding horror of it all would cause the walls to tumble before my system was equipped to cope thus destroying my mind.

I know that is the purpose of this assault. Like many many of the cult's tricks at keeping their secrets, I understand them all. I know how they are caused, I know their purpose and I know how that is achieved. What I don't know is how to stop these booby traps once they've been triggered.

Somehow my therapist was able to stop the domino effect of that torture. While the electrocuted child clearly came forward and re-experienced her torture piggy backed on feelings of rejection and shame something my T did helped her and stopped her despair.

I remember my writhing body and the shocks............all of the physical sensations that told things people do not want to believe. I remember the excruciating physical, emotional and spiritual pain that assaulted me. I felt that child's heart, mind and soul ready to explode. I felt the pressure building up against all my walls pushing them to collapse. And yet my T stopped that from happening. The child was able to skate off into the shadows where she belonged.

All the other shadow children waiting in the wings who should have been triggered as well were not accessed instead they were undisturbed. I was left slightly traumatized but in the big scheme of things unscathed.... I escaped supposedly fail safe cult programming.

Now I find myself facing that programming again. All the signs read like it is operating full force. I have to see if I can figure out what it was that my therapist did for that child so I can accomplish the same thing. I'm planning on digging out my journals and all my artwork to see if I can figure out or remember what she did for me that day.

In the meantime I have to keep finding ways to keep that child at bay. Even though I can constantly hear her wails, she must stay in the shadows where she belongs until I am equipped to stop the cult's booby trap from causing the intended chain reaction.

In the meantime if you're wondering I do know that I don't deserve this torture. I know it wasn't my fault. I know about the tricks that convinced the shadow children that they belonged to the devil. I know that none of those things are in force anymore. I have diffused them.

I don't know why this explosive combined reaction to my core issues was not disarmed. I don't know is how to stop this domino effect that causes all of these tortures to try and emerge at the same time in unmanageable proportions.

I know I can't stop these core children once they have been wounded in this way. But I must keep them from the forefront until I'm equipped to deal with them.I also know I must keep their wailing voices as far back in the darkness as possible. I'm not sure why this is but the more light they see the more intense their emotions will get and there will be no stopping them.

While I trying to get this figured out I've learned it helps to make them as comfortable as I can. I know by taking those children and wrapping them tightly like swaddling the babies they are and rocking them will turn the volume down somewhat. Trying to soothe them with soft, kind, loving words to distract them from their pain can help to soften their wails to whimpers. Even at that I can feel they are all back there awake and in immense pain. I hope I can keep the lid on here until I'm ready for this fight.

For now, I have a bit of re-enforcement in the fact my husband was called into work. You'd probably think the opposite would be true. That I'd be better off with him here to comfort me, but my instincts to protect my hurt external child actually given me the strength to hold on for now. As long as I can keep moving forward in forming a plan to tackle this latest cult assault, I think I can hold out until the "right" time.

Unraveling **Beware Triggers

Right now I am unraveling. Defenses inside are toppling and the whole structure is in danger of collapsing. As this is happening most on the outside can't see. The facade that hides this structure of mine is the only thing solid that is left and it is cracking.

My daughter and granddaughter have thrown me off an emotional cliff. I tried to tell my daughter there was danger of it happening but she told me I should trust her. Then she went ahead and did what I pleaded with her not to do. Now everything is coming apart. I don't know if I can catch this before extensive damage is done. I don't know if I can catch it at all.

These feelings are familiar. I experienced them once before when I was removed from my support system. That one action toppled my defenses and threw me into a downward spiral that nearly cost me my life. Today I feel the same creaking and groaning of my inner structure and many of my parts are running for cover trying to throw up new walls to keep the reverberations of this betrayal out.

Now I have no immediate support system in place at all and no therapeutic relationships. It's been so long since I was in therapy I wouldn't know where to start. Not that I could get myself to go even if I needed to. Besides.............it's too late for that.

So the self destruct mechanism set in place by the cult seems to still be intact. The out of control spin is coming I can feel it. Along with it I can already begin to feel the twitching of the electrocuted child. My joints are also beginning to re-experience those feelings of being torn apart on the rack. The other tortured children with their feelings are there too. My skin is beginning to crawl and I feel the stinging bites of insects and the squeezing of the snakes. The flashes are starting and it's clear I can't turn them off. It looks like I'm going to get a multi-faceted attack all at one time.

I suspect a spiritual assault will go hand in hand with this. It's been twenty years since I felt that cold black evil that wants me. At least I know I am up for that. While I dread those feelings crawling over me, I know in my soul I can withstand the assault. It's a good thing because it's my soul that's going to get it.

It's the physical assault that I struggle with, I am just so so tired of the pain. I can tell by what I'm experiencing those old messages of rather being dead than hurting anymore are screaming deep in the recesses of my mind. I know that those messages are planted but the level of this assault is huge. It will take all I have to silence it. I don't know what the cost will be.

It's no wonder I don't get too close to people. The price I pay for rejection and betrayal is beyond what anyone should suffer. Hopefully, I can "bleed" these feelings off slowly like steam from a pressure cooker. If I can do that, I might have a chance at surviving this with some semblance of my life intact.

I feel like a hypocrite. I've been here blogging for a year about getting free of the cult's clutches and now I find myself firmly in their grasp. While I understand that the complexity of my system is probably what allowed this to happen, it's still a blow to find I've succumbed to this kind of triggering. I need to ride a horse................but it's not safe. What to do.........what to do.

More on Unraveling

The Current State of Affairs **Triggering

With my psyche broken up into something over 400 parts, it's probably some kind of miracle that I live life as well as I do. My defenses are such that pretty much most of the time I can protect myself from old buttons getting pushed and spinning out of control. I have healthy parts strong enough to protect the system from such things happening.

It's probably safe to say that part of my defenses involve keeping other people at a distance. While I really love people and enjoy interacting with them, I've kept myself away from game players, not forming attachments with them because it's difficult to deal with the consequences of being hurt by them. Instead I have a few close friends I can trust to not cross the line that might trigger my core issues.

That makes my support system pretty narrow probably. Sometimes I ache for attachments that will never be there but most times I am content with my life as it is. I love the horses and I can trust them to not reject me no matter what I do. No screw up is too big for them to look differently at me.

I can deal with a weary youngster who thinks I'm big and scary because I know in the end I will win them over. I know they won't take one look at me and decide that I am not worth the effort of working our relationship out. They are horses and dependant on me and they know it. They are part of my family and I am a part of theirs.

Life with people is not so simple. Mixing my people relationships with my horse world has become unsettling. It has triggered my core issues and I must go into self preservation mode.

One choice I have would be to open up those core issues to see if I can diffuse them. But my system decided long ago that was just too painful and not a path we wanted to travel. The fact that my core feelings are linked with physical torture is a big part of why that decision was made.

I am unaware of any possibility of separating those physical reactions from the emotional ones. That's the only reason I would even consider working with those core children. No professional I have encountered has any knowledge of how to go about this that has ever been successful.

The work that I did in that area did not bring any relief for my system. It only caused excruciating pain. I thought I was able to set up defenses to block access to those children but evidently that's not the case. This current situation has pushed through those barriers. The situation is not good.


* I'm going to journal my process here. Hopefully it will help others and maybe it will help me. Journaling this kind of emotional upheaval has been helpful to me in the past. Big Warning here....some content will be explicit and could cause triggering. You're about to see my process in action..............