Saturday, November 22, 2008

My Voice

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post on Letting Go but blogger saw fit to eat the thing. I had scheduled it to be posted a couple of days later trying to get back into a routine of more regular posting.

When I do get the "urge" to write, the posts seem to come in flurries and then the silence emerges again. So I thought maybe by spacing them out I could get myself back into that old mindset, before the family stuff triggered my old programming and set my world on its ear, and get back to some rhyme or reason in my posting.

It seems with that disruption my voice has disappeared. I find myself engaging in more "victim" behavior than my system has seen in years. Not that I have had a total relapse or any such thing but it is clear that some parts of my system have been wounded enough they require constant "on" time. That time is what has affected my behavior so.

When that scheduled day came and went with no post, I looked into blogger trying to find what happened only to discover the post had totally disappeared. And, of course, that was one of only a very small handful of posts that I did not back up. The only place that post resides is in fragments in my mind.

Somehow that glitch in the works sent ripples through my system. The simple "eating" of a post seemed to carry the message again that I'm not welcome in this world and life would be better off for me if I would just keep my mouth shut.

I found it impossible to write despite the fact that I clearly hold enough remnants of that post to recreate the thing. Still my system resisted and there was no post and that underlying feeling of dark depression took another downward turn.

Being a multiple (multiple personality disorder/dissociative identity disorder) who is highly co-conscious can be really "odd" sometimes. Knowing that I have a part or parts immersed in a deep dark depression while still feeling a myriad of other things that do not broach the boundaries of that depression is difficult to explain let alone live.

I find myself walking a road that I have not travelled before trying to figure out a way to heal that wound instead of the old ways of silencing the voices. I'm pretty sure it is that connection..........that urge to silence........that is the road I must investigate if I am ever to get to the depression to heal.

In the meantime I am going to work on my "voice." If I can just get it working again maybe I can find my way through to the rest of this mess.


jumpinginpuddles said...

Ah the elusive voice the one we are supposed to ahve but somehow seem to lose more often than find.
Certainly any survivor can relate to the dissappearing voice the voice they carried in their brutality years ago the warning fo you tell we kill you are ever prevelant, i wonder if it is the same silence of those inside saying keep the secrets never tell.
I have found that sort of programming never lies far from the surface even when you think its gone and healed, which makes me wonder how it cna still remain there but then again i think i know the answer to that one.

Kahless said...

I am sorry you are going through this.

I am here and listening to you.
Please do not keep quiet.


Rising Rainbow said...

Geez, blogger just ate my comment. I'm beginning to get a complex.

Rising Rainbow said...

jip, you're right.......the voice can be elusive.

kahless, thank you, I will try to keep posting........but if blogger eats anymore of my posts, or comments, I'm going to need serious chocolate.

Kahless said...

I can send chocolate!

Rising Rainbow said...

kahless, LOL, thank you friend.

Battle Weary said...

We've lost our voice's been gone a while I think. Doing a very tiny bit better blogging on our hidden place...but not much.

Sorry things have been so rough.

Donna said...

Try not to blame yourself for crappy technology, it isn't a commentary on you or what you've written. The voice is there, you'll find a way to channel it.