A while back I posted Lunch and a Movie telling about my uncomfortableness at being invited to meet with my old therapist and two woman from the group she ran. I also described some of the issues that sit like a huge wall between these women and me.
With that posting came my understanding of what had been the reason behind the lack of support I felt from the other survivors after that fateful day I was removed from group. It wasn't because we talked about any of the issues. It was a conclusion I reached on my own.
Since that time I've gone out with these "old friends" a couple of times. While it's been nice to visit with them after all this time, our conversations have stayed pretty superficial, at least in my estimation anyway. No one has taken the initiative to bring up the past.
It's been visits to "catch up" if that's what you want to call it. Seems to me a sorry state of affairs to go from relationships so intimate we know each others worst secrets and most horrible nightmares to casual conversation. But that's what it's been..........and me, well, I'm still playing by the rules. That is until last week when we met on "my turf."
I'm not going to say that meeting closer to my home instead of theirs was the reason that things changed. I'm not sure it had anything to do with it. But the fact is that things changed.
It may have been the atmosphere. We were in a very back table in the restaurant. Everyone around our table had left and the conversation managed to find its way to past issues via an update about a lawsuit. With that came something the old director of the counseling agency had tried to do to one of the other women there.
From there it wasn't long and I was telling them what happened to me. How my removal from group had triggered programming that had catapulted me into a downward spiral to intended self destruction. How the director of the agency had taken my therapist away from me and picked up my case. And the things she did to me during therapy.
It was comforting to know that my former therapist had no idea I was told I could no longer see her. She thought that was my decision. Being a good therapist she didn't question me.
All this time I thought that she had dropped me. I had definitely gotten the impression from the director it was MY fault that I couldn't see her anymore. Now I find myself beginning to realize even more of what that woman did to me in the name of "she had the power" and I was so "special." You can bet there are going to be more posts on this subject.