Saturday, August 11, 2007

So What Did Ritualistic Abuse Mean to Me, a Victim?

My guess is there are many forms of ritualistic abuse but I think the most common one disclosed is in the form of Satanism. Even that has many forms and I'm sure I will do many posts of the various things as they come to mind.

I didn't recall the satanic aspect of my abuse for a while, months maybe. I remember as early as age two being prostituted by my mother. The people I was turned over to used me for the purpose of making pornographic movies of children.

As I got older the movies got more perverted. I'm not sure how old I was the first time I was put up on a rack. But I do know that I was tortured in that manner many times and always there was a camera going.

I remember many times having joints dislocated as my limbs were being stretched all four directions. At the same time sexual things were being done to me. I also remember learning that it was important not to scream. Screaming made the film more interesting. As long as I acted like it didn't really hurt, then it was no longer fun to torture me.
Eventually they quit putting me on the rack but put other children there for me to watch. They learned that while they couldn't get me to be upset by being tortured, they could torture someone else and push my bottons. But eventually I learned not to be affected by that as well. As long as I didn't show any emotion, I was not a valuable commodity in their films.

Today, I think my worst nightmare in all of this would be someday to have those movies be found. I can just imagine that some rich wierdo's has them stashed aways as part of his kiddie porn collection. The possibility of the pervert be discovered by the authorities and amongst the old reels would be found footage of my torture is definitely a scary thought.

While that would sure be proof of my story, parts of me are terrified of being exposed. Not that they feel guilt any longer, because they don't. But because they just don't want to be seen that way. Sometimes I feel farther away from the others inside but on this, I think I feel the same. It would be a very traumatic day.

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