I've received emails wondering how I'm doing on this Halloween night so I thought I might answer them here. Mostly for me at this stage of the game, this night is just wind down time for me....... a few more hours and the day is done kind of thing. Then I will no longer be plagued by flashbacks both visual and some just sounds.......although both are much more muted than they used to be.
Wind down time might sound odd but I know that Halloween for some really is two full weeks of rituals leading up to the grand finale which must be completed by midnight in some places and before the sun rises in others. For me that's meant a building of tension leading up to this day.
My body is pretty tight from that tension.........so tight in fact my head has been throbbing for at least three days. I have muscle spasms shooting up my back and down my legs and arms. The stiffness in my neck is at it's worst. And I've been fighting the urge to fall asleep on my feet for the last three days. (I think this one is about old programming and someone inside trying to come out. I seem to respond to the trigger that causes the sleepiness but that's as far as it gets. Thank God for that.)
Mostly I'm plagued by feelings of helplessness because I know there are others out there experiencing what I went through as a child. I think lots of times the flashes that I see are my "imagination" seeing these events. That old message that I am powerless is a really hard one to break and those pictures sure help to keep it reinforced. All I can hope is that by doing what I can to educate and help other victims is that I am in some way regaining a bit of that power.
All Saints Day is Nov 1 and God will reclaim the earth. That may sound trite to some but to me there is great reassurance in that fact. I know that all this craziness can turn to sanity if only one can find God.
Certainly not my usual explanation but on nights like tonight, I am easily reminded of why I am personally no longer at their mercy (of which they have none). I will never forget what they did to me and I will never forget what I must do to stay free.