Thursday, October 30, 2008


I'm only beginning to realize how really angry I am at my daughter. The more I learn about her using her childhood (that would be me, the multiple mother) to justify her victim behavior the angrier I get. Instead of being responsible for her own behavior or even being angry at the sleaze of a father who molested her, she's blaming me for her life as a victim and I'm d*mn p*ssed off about it. Mad enough I feel like
punching her lights out. It's a good thing I'm not that kind of person.

If you're wondering what she's done now, well, for one saying that nothing they can do to her at the post office could be any worse than what she had to go through with me could be a small part of it. And that would only be one of the slams she's wielded my way.

Of course she hasn't had the guts to say these things to my face. Instead she acts all "I love you" kissy face crap that makes me want to puke. I absolutely hate her dishonesty with herself and with me.

I've been picking up little snippets of the things she's said in conversations at the barn. It seems she's doing a lot of her victim talking there and from the sounds of things a lot of running me down.

Not that I have been a perfect parent, because I haven't. But I've taken responsibility for what I've done and I've changed my behavior...........bigtime! I am a totally different person now and have been for over half of my life, not to mention most of hers. You would think that would count for something.

And to be perfectly honest, a big part of what pisses me off is the crap that she has pulled on me over her life. She was a pain in the *ss teenager. She did drugs. She used to fly into a rage and attack me and she even attempted suicide to punish me. The list goes on from there.

Frankly I'm getting really tired of being the brunt of her attacks. I don't know what I'm going to do about this crap going on at the barn but I'm feeling strongly like I should do something. But then my friends at the barn are pretty sick of it too. I doubt if she realizes that she is on thin ice with them. They really are not happy that she is trying to trash me. The only good thing about this whole thing is I am learning who good friends these people really are.


Lily Strange said...

The one plus is that your friends realize she's full of it and are on your side.
I guess the only thing to do would be the next time she asks for money or anything say that you aren't going to help her out due to the way she is talking behind your back. Or even tell her that ahead of time. It may not be a perfect solution but it might at least let her know you mean business.

Kahless said...

I would leave her too it at the barn. If you get involved some shit will stick to you in others eyes. How best do you think you can express your anger?

Enola said...

Sounds like she is digging her own hole at the barn. Might be a good lesson for her to try to climb her way out

Frazzled Farm Wife said...

So sad...sounds like SHE needs help! It's good that you have good friends at the barn and at least you are finding that out through all of this.

Lynntaketwo said...

There are no perfect parents, RR.

"I've taken responsibility for what I've done and I've changed my behavior..."

That's all you can do. She has to work out her own crap. If she thinks that part of doing that is using you for a doormat, she doesn't have that right. I think it's normal that you feel angry about what she is doing. If it were me, I would probably use the anger to put a little distance between me and her.

Lady Of Chaos said...

I would tell the friends at the barn to handle it however they see fit and I would stay out of it.

If you say something to her, she might try to say 'See what I mean', I would just tell her that you know what she's doing and sooner or later it's going to back fire and when it did, you didn't want to hear about it from her at all. Then let the barn handle it.

Tell the people at the barn how you're going to deal with it (letting her sink herself) and that they can handle it however they deem best.

And then let it play out as it may. And go from there. Good luck!

Kim said...

I can relate, I have a love-hate relationship with my own mother, but it only rears it's ugly head when my mother is in one of her moods.. you know she's nearly 50, and I think she's just in her time of life, where she just wants to be done raising kids and just cant stand my own moods, and me being a teenager who has "those times of the month" don't help at all... But I cant relate with ever trying to kill myself or doing drugs, because I'd rather be screaming at her or her screaming at me, or even being in a fisticuffs with my mom or even pulling each others hair than trying to kill myself or do drugs because I cant imagine doing either, I cant imagine causing myself that much pain, or having a bad habit like drugs, I could never go through with those things I just could never imagine or add that craziness into my life. But I wonder why Colleen has to burn you so badly, for events that happened so long ago, that she's keeping alive by still acting like your treating her like a child/teenager when you want to act like an adult. She needs to grow up and let the past be the past, because that's what it is, it's the past! and tell her not even Adam and Eve were perfect parents! heck, her one son killed her other son! so parenthood must be pretty hard. That's what makes me not want to have any kids at all! the thought of how hard it must be, and the fact that you basically have to parent them til you die? no thanks. I'm happy with just being an Aunt :) I'll be able to enjoy them, and not be 100% responsible for them. I do change diapers and give her baths and do help and am responsible but I'd rather do that than raise a teenager.. hehe I do look forward to being an Aunt to teenagers, but I don't think I'll look forward to motherhood with teenagers.. lol.

Perfect said...

I can understand your anger with your daughter, especially when you've made such changes in yourself and taken responsibility for your past mistakes.

I want to share a little of my story with you which I think could possibly explain some of your daughter's actions. I was abused by my father and brother. Not by my mother, per se, except for the fact that she chose to ignore what was happening and keep me in the abusive situation. I have anger at all 3 of them. My mother is the only one still in my life and she's apologized for her role in what happened. She was the "easiest" person for me to direct my anger at. She's safe. I knew she wouldn't retaliate or hurt me. I knew she would still be there. It was hard to stop punishing her. I had to admit alot of my own issues and wrongdoings.

It sounds like maybe your daughter might be directing the anger about her father, which she is maybe not in touch with, at you simply because you are there. It's "easier". And she's doing it indirectly and passive-aggressively because somewhere inside herself she knows it's not really about you. She likely knows, and expects, your friends at the barn to be sharing her comments with you and could be trying to prompt you to start a dialogue in which she may just want to spew more displaced anger.

IMHO, and just from the limited amount I've read here, she's got unresolved issues and is not yet willing/able to take an active part in her own recovery. I think she's confused and she's blaming the person she finds the safest, which is you.

Lynntaketwo commented that your daughter has no right to use you for a doormat. Unfortunately, I need to disagree to an extent by which I simply mean people have "the right" to do, or try to do, whatever they want, really. It's up to YOU to decide how much of that to take and what you allow her to get away with as far as you're concerned.

Good luck. I'd like to keep my 4 year old right where she is and never let her get any older!!!!