In yesterday's post, Questions from Anonymous I answered a number of questions about my "loss" of some personalities from my system. The reason that Anonymous asked those questions had to do with questions or concerns she has about her own functioning.
Though not diagnosed with DID, this person has identified two "distinct states of being." One of these is emotional and has access to memories, the other is detached from trauma and takes care of business.
It is clear from the disclosure that there is concern that integrating these two parts might cause some loss of functionality. Since the current level of function isn't sub par, loss of any function wouldn't be a good thing.
I can understand the concerns but I believe it is unfounded. It seems to me from everything that I have experienced as well as what I have observed in other people, that dealing with emotional trauma does not decrease functioning. It improves it once the healing is done.
Whether a person is a multiple or not, the energy that it takes to stuff down old memories and keep them under wraps instead of healing, takes an enormous toll. It interferes with everything they do compromising their effectiveness. Because victims of childhood abuse are used to feeling "bad" a lot of the time, they have no clue that part of the drain is caused by this load they are carrying.
Adult victims of rape and battering report this loss of energy, ineffectiveness etc as part of the way's their lives have changed since they were victimized. Since they have their life before to compare to, they can see the difference. The childhood abuse survivor has no such reference.
While I have not achieved complete integration, I am a vastly different person than I was before therapy. I know that many, many parts have integrated into one. I can no longer put on a mask and present to the world despite what is going on inside. What you see is what you get.
I can still protect myself from exposing my feelings to people who are not safe. And for me, that means most of the world. Only a handful of people have ever seen me cry. It wouldn't matter how big the crisis was, in public or in front of any but my inner circle, I would be able to distance myself.
I no longer require that protection on a daily basis. Most of the time in my functioning there is no "we." It is just 'I." There are no power struggles to see who will be in charge. I don't have to think about it, I just go about my day.
I can guarantee you that healing and the integration that occurred as a result has done nothing but IMPROVE my function and the quality of my life. It's also allowed me to discover who I really am. I'm no longer a shell of a person living my life by others standards. For the first time in my life I am living life on my terms, and my terms only.
I didn't even have a clue how much of myself I was giving away until the healing was well on its way. Now I can look back at the person I was before and shake my head at all those wasted years. I can't say this enough. Healing is the path to freedom!
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism