Monday, March 9, 2009

BS..........Or Good Sense?

My friend, JIP, wrote this post about discovering that her old therapist really didn't have her best interests at heart. After reading the post I also read the comments before posting my own. I reflected in my comment I thought the others were right on the money. Then I went back over those comments and realized an anonymous commenter in his supposed support of JIP made it clear he didn't think much of a post I'd recently done.

That actually caught me off guard, just a bit. First off, the reference to my post really didn't have anything to do with JIP's post. (unless, of course anonymous felt the need to defend his behavior as a service provider maybe) Secondly, I wasn't really expecting to see this information on her blog when it was about what I'd said in my post. Seems to me the appropriate place for it was on mine.

I don't really expect those reading my blog to always agree with me. However, I would think if someone was supportive, as had previously been stated by that person, if there was a problem with me, it would be made known on my post instead of slamming it somewhere else. When I consider this person claims to be a service provider for SRA survivors this behavior seems even more odd to me.

It's hardly a response one would expect from a caring person, let alone a therapist or support person. It could really be destructive if a survivor was not strong enough to deal with this kind of put down. (I would call referring to what I said as BS a put down, wouldn't you??) So I thought I'd address it here, since here is where the whole thing started and I think the subject deserves some discussion.

The post in question is The Devil's in the Details Just for the record I did not write this post strictly because of previous interactions with anonymous, although those things certainly did play a role. Between several unhelpful suggestions on how to deal with things within my system on his part and other things I've noticed other places I came to the conclusion it would be good for survivor's to have the subject addressed.

This quote is from the comment on JIP's post. but as I said, really is a direct response from anonymous to the above post from my blog.

What people don't understand about MPD is that it has to be guided at times becuz of the nature of the programming. In modern times, the cult puts anti-therapy programming and alters in usually that will work well with a cult therapist. All of this BS about not guiding, suggesting or what ever the heck, if that works for you that's great, but many who have been integrated know that there are times in their lives they needed more help than, "oh that must be so hard for you".

I find it interesting that my words have been reduced to "BS" because I suggested that "guiding" survivors is not really helpful. It seems obvious I hit a nerve from the manner of response I received. It also seems, because I have chosen not to integrate, in this person's eyes somehow my healing is flawed........a result of my cult programming maybe, instead of my own choice.............or maybe unlike anyone else's. So what might be unhelpful for me somehow does not count because there's no way it would be the same for others.

I think it's unfortunate that anonymous could not see that my words pertained to being a facilitator to a survivor instead of someone telling a survivor how they should heal. Any effective therapy I have ever seen or participated in involved helping people to find what their choices were, and then letting them make their own choices......not giving them instructions on what to do or telling them how they must chose.

To the contrary, it has been my experience that therapists involved in making decisions for their clients have been very detrimental to those clients. I am not the only one to have the experience of being pushed over the edge by a therapist who knew better than I what I needed to heal.

The programming done in SRA is a mine field of self destruct mechanisms designed to keep the cult's secrets. Since each multiple is different, there are variations within that programming. There is no cut and dried road map to find the answer or diffuse the ticking time bombs. The only one who can accomplish those things or understand the dangers is the individual multiple.

Any outside who believes his/her experience as a healer gives them some kind of crystal ball and license to "know better" than the survivor is indeed out of line. In my opinion, any service provider who thinks he/she knows more about what's necessary than the multiple herself/himself in this regard is dangerous.

Just like Mon was convinced that she knew best for JIP, her efforts caused much harm. The therapist who decided remaining in my support group was not good for me nearly pushed me over the edge. It was NOT another service provider with "right answers" who saved me. I saved myself despite those outside influences that knocked my system out of balance. I know of other multiples with similar experiences. All of them ended badly. Therapists who think they "know" what they are doing in regards to SRA are pretty scary to me.

Also, anonymous's sarcastic remark ending with "oh that must be so hard for you" couldn't have been farther from what I was talking about in my post. Getting lost in the details of what happened is one of the traps laid by the cult. You could spend forever going over those messages, if you didn't kill off the survivor first. Yet the only part of the message anonymous seemed to note was the part that reflected how he "helps" survivors by telling them what to do to deal with things.

And yet anonymous did say some things that were very right as far as support goes. Where I have a problem is when he decides that he knows best and that he IS the expert and he can "tell" a survivor how to deal with issues. That right there is enough to send red flags my way.

The people I found most helpful in my recovery were those that admitted they were NOT experts. They felt insecure about what they knew. The only thing they knew for sure was that I needed help and they respected my process. At no point did they try to tell me what my process should be nor try to steer me away from something I needed to do.

Even now after the fact, with another email and supposed caring, I heard loudly what an expert anonymous believes himself to be. Brazen enough to declare he learned nothing from our interactions and my posts implying he was already an expert. That alone is enough to make me wonder.

While I can imagine his response to this,that's not what's important to me. Anonymous has already shown his ignorance by his inability to see the flaws in his knowledge. How could he make harmful recommendations for my system, be told that was the case, and yet find there is nothing new to learn. If that doesn't speak to a scary arrogance, I don't know what does.

I can't help but be grateful I didn't run into someone like him back when I needed help. Who knows how far over the edge he'd have pushed me with his quest for details, inappropriate directions and flawed knowledge about what my system should be.

I point these thing out in the hope those who need help will be able to read some of the signs and trust them so they have the skills to protect themselves from "help" like this that is not so helpful. Unfortunately there are others out there who would do the same things in the name of "being there" for survivors. I'm not going to guess as to their motives. What's important to me are the signs that say this person may not be helpful and could even cause harm.

So what do you think is the BS here.........or the good sense?


jumpinginpuddles said...

I had a go at the same anonymous commentor because he was very much monish to me, it triggered us. When we caught him out on this he said he was going awol the same response mon would give. So for us there was no admiration for a person who responds like this and to us is not a helpful supporter althoguh his words tried to resonate in such a way.
I guess when you ahve bene stung as bad as us we could always see bad in anyone offering advice except when it is advice you havent asked for, i have bene concerned from the moment i saw this person commetning on your blog and that was the first day, so no saurprsie over here that we continue to uphold our original thought that our safety must alwasy coem first.

As always a honest blog mno Bs as far as we are concerned from you, otehr people maybe but not from you LOL

Anonymous said...

this maybe all over the place so bear with ok? been reading this , jip's blog, keepers, on therapy and therapist. it has been helping a great deal for me. for one reason or another i have always lean towards those with "guidence" , or more like those that supposely have a "road map" on how to heal. i have always looked for the directions to life and those that claim to have them. what i read in your blog's i am beginning to understand the message in them. i have thought for along time that i was getting screwed in therapy cause i don't have an expret. she is learning just as much as i am. she has constantly told me "i have no directions for you have to find your own" and that everything is my choice, the direct we take is my choice ect. i would walk away feeling like i wasn't getting what i need. like i have said i have been reading. giving alot of thought to what i have read. alot of thought into how i think with it. kind of came together reading this blog, i have saught what i am use to , someone haveing control other than myself. looking at our past, that has never worked out and has always lead to crash and burn. there is no one who knows my internal world cause they are not in it, so how is any one going to give me directions, they can only offer support, an ear and maybe sometimes honesty that i can't see. that is where the growing will be. i have read other blog where there help comes from people have direction, or some one who is an expert, someone to make the decesion or connections. i read thier dispear, almost always. then i come to a few where their healing has been base in them and there is a difference. the past few weeks have been spent looking for the experts in my area, i have found some, but sit here thinking about my therapist. have to smile she is learning but what i have with her is someone who walks by my side not in front of me. i see myself as very lucky. thank you to all 3 of you, i just my be spared what all three of you went through, priceless lj

Enola said...

Anonymous commenters bug me. Be man (or woman) enough to leave your name.

I don't think your blog was BS or is ever BS. You're not out there proclaiming to have millions of initals after your name, some degree or counseling people online. You're saying what works for you, hasn't worked for you, and giving suggestions about what might work for others. That's helpful - not BS.


Kahless said...

1. I tend not to pay much attention to anon commentators on anyones blog. Same reasons as Enola said. The only time I have left an anon comment, I know the person whose blog it is knows who I am really so its not really anon. Only other exception is when I am giving banking advice and want no come-back. Did you know btw I am a banker lol! Though I did help someone repair their credit rating.
2. I trust you. I dont think you have advocated integration over non-integration. You have just said for you, non integration is what was important to your overall healing. I think that is sound.
3. I missed that anons comment at the time as I got bored after the first couple of sentances and skipped the rest lol! If I had seen it I would have told you.
4. Maybe they are one of Mons cronnies.
5. I am real mad at Mon. If she was uk based I would complain about her.

Battle Weary said...

My opinion is that there are experts in both DID and SRA...each person who lives with the reality of it in their own lives day after day. We are experts in our own systems, and may be able to help others, or may not be able to, or both at different times. What works for me/us may not work for someone else, and vice versa. Someone claiming there is a set way to do something may very well be dangerous.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I agree with the points you are making here, RR. It's funny, really: You sound more professional than the anonymous "professional" does! ;)