Then there is the issue of "family." Boy, that's another loaded subject. I have all kinds of questions about family.
Just what IS family? Then, what IS my family? Can someone like me ever expect a "normal" family? Can I be happy without a "normal family?"
Or does my abuse so separate me from others I will never feel like I fit in no matter how hard I try? Is that really at the root of all my "family" issues.
I think around the holidays these issues get shoved up to the forefront. There are all kinds of reminders of "family" everywhere one turns. I find myself measuring my family against those and I see nothing familiar..........With that comes doubting there will ever be that kind of caring within the scope of our familial relationships...............followed by a goodly amount of sadness.
Are these more unreasonable expectations? Are things really fine the way that they are? Are there more questions than answers?
If I could wave a magic wand, everyone would be happy. But what exactly would that mean? Would our relationships be different? Or would they be the same with us ok with them as they are?
Is it about being loved.............or feeling loved?
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6 comments:
such thought provoking questions that I ask myself quite often.
This may sound weird, but the 'problem' sometimes seems caused by the healing. You ask if it is about being loved or feeling loved. See... when we have seen the truth of our past, then we know the difference between those things. We now understand that it is possible to think we feel 'love' where none exists, and it is also possible to be loved and not feel it. At least it was possible in the past. Sometimes this knowledge can cause us to question everything as you are doing now. I wish I had the answers, too. Maybe people like us just need to define certain words for ourselves and not give too much weight to what other people think those words mean. Maybe the place to start is for each of us to ask, "What does love (or other concept) mean to ME?" I have had no choice other than to begin doing this, RR. It is the only way to stay true to myself amid all the confusion.
I'm right there with ya, sister. I also have more questions than answers.
I have been following all your posts RR. I am sorry I havent commented. I wanted to comment with answers, but I am afraid my head is just silence at the moment. Or rather my head is full of negativitiy and that is not helpful.
Please know that I am lurking around anyway and thinking of you.
I've left you an award / virus / tag on my blog!!!!
I struggle with the same issues with family and love and belonging...I think with all the betrayal we suffered at the hands of people who we believed loved us, there is so much confusion and reluctance to really trust. Maybe that is the key: trust. I don't know.
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