Wednesday, December 10, 2008


All of these questions about "love" but no answers. It makes my brain buzz and my heart ache. It's so easy to say what is and isn't love but another to know for sure.

I remember those years ago sitting in a therapy group for victims of sexual abuse listening to those around me define love. But then those definitions were all about "perspective," were they not? Each person sitting there pretty much decided that actions speak louder than words as if that was some easy answer to this whole quandary.

Over the years I found nothing could be farther from the truth. Actions are only one aspect of a person's makeup. I've certainly hurt people that I care about........sometimes inadvertently and sometimes I knew exactly what I was doing would cause them pain. But I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that my actions didn't mean I did not care.

Not to get off track, but as an example of such a decision. I placed my daughter in a foster home because she was doing drugs and totally out of control. Nothing we were doing was working. I made my decision both to protect the younger children from her and to show her there were consequences for her behavior.

I can assure you she hated that decision and felt (and probably still feels) I was totally wrong.........and that I did not love her because of it. While I was very angry at my daughter, that decision was based on love. I have never stopped loving my daughter despite her flaws.

Yet, I would bet she could make a great case for my behavior proving that I do not love her based on her perspective. I could probably make a great case for her not loving me based on mine. The problem is that probably neither of these would be the real truth.

There in lies the dilemma. Is it more important that someone treat us exactly how we wish to be treated? Of is it more important that they truly love us? Then, if it is truth we are after, how do we find the real truth instead of getting caught up in each other's issues and drowned in the quagmire?


Patches said...

I personally feel that a big component of love is being willing to talk things out with a person. Sort of an I love the person enough to want to work it out.

I also believe that with parents, the issue of love gets very confusing and mixed up.

Kim said...

I cant exactly speak from experience of having my own kids/teens/whatever doing drugs, and know what to do about it, but I know my moms claws came out on my dad, to have the dad enforce that the son (my brother) not smoke in this house. (Or go outside and smoke and come in). It took a couple years of a lot bull and what not, but it worked. But only because my mom become the alpha with nails and enforced the "rules of this house" made my dad step up to the plate and not let him get away with bringing cigarette smoke in this house. My dad was at work all day and basically home for 10-12 hours and 8 of them sleeping. My dads mom smoked, and still smokes, he can handle it. My mom, my sisters, and I could not handle it, and did not handle it. Whenever we'd want him to leave because he was stinking up the house, there was lots of yelling. Thankfully now, he's living in Idaho, has a job and a girlfriend. And doesn't smoke anymore! he cant afford to. Allowing your kids to live in your house smoking/doing drugs, ONLY ENABLES them! But now I enjoy spending time with my brother. But for many years, my mom, sisters and I did not. If I had teens, doing things I disapprove of, I'd get ugly too. They'd not like me. They'd either loathe me, or stop. Haha. It's easy to care and love someone, and yet do hurtful things to cause us pain, but if they are only causing pain, and not showing love or care, then certainly they don't truly love. Now the question is, even though you've caused one pain, or one is causing you pain, have you or they ever showed their love to one another? cause I know, that we can have both behaviors, but it'd one be nice, if there was only love and caring going on between families and others, and that there was no hurtful actions between families. All I know is, life can be tough. It really makes me only want to be responsible for myself and my things, and what I want to be responsible, and because I don't want to be responsible for kids, and why I don't want to have kids. They are too much responsibility for me. And they cost a fortune to raise too! haha. Anyway.. I wish a magic wand could be waved, and make everything perfect, and happy ect ect, but that's probably a dream that couldn't come true unless God decided to wave the wand for everyone who needs the wand waved for them. If I had the "wish wand" waved, I'd be living on 50 acres, and living the life, my life, and living the dream, my dream. And for everything to go "my way" hehe. I'd call it "My Way Ranch"! lol.

Anyway, for me, it would be interesting to meet Colleen and to see what shes like, because it feels like she's holding a grudge against you, because she didn't like the way you raised her, but raising kids is a TOUGH job. And how many kids does Colleen have, and doesn't she ever have a hard time raising her kid(s) ??. Raising kids is not always as easy as saying 1-2-3.

Erin Merryn said...

Never left a post before on your blog but wanted to comment and say maybe that was the best thing for your daughter, maybe it was your way of saving her life.