Friday, November 2, 2007

Questions, Lots of Questions Part 3

Part 1

I know that this is one of those topics that the more questions I answer, probably the more questions there will be. I wish I could answer them all, but frankly there are some answers, I just don't have.

I'd ask that you remember that these things all happened to me when I was a small child. It began when I was two and it ended when I was seven. While I may have recovered these memories as an adult nearly 40, they were the memories of very small children. I know what I know through the eyes of those children.

Just like any small children, their perceptions of the world were limited. The adults that were involved in establishing control over these children seemed bigger than life. While as an adult, I may be able to tell that what those adults said to the children may have been lies, the fact is, those small children believed what they were told.

In many cases all I have to go on is that childish perception. Some of the memories are so vivid, that I have been able to use my own perceptions to sort through them. That is how I was able to heal. But when it comes to names an places I have little chance of verifying what these children abreacted in therapy. Providing that type of information for the authorities was limited at best.

The fact that it ended when I was seven is very unusual. Many victims don't get free at all and those who do usually don't until sometime into adulthood.

Cults (that would be all cults, not just satanism) would have victims believe that no one ever gets free. Most survivors of satanism I have met were not free. While they had personalities who had discovered the abuse and wanted to be free, they still had personalities under the control of the cult. Trying to undo the programming that keeps them caught is a monumental task complicated by the presence of cult enforcers, personalities or programs created to keep the victim under the cult's rule.

I realize that it is difficult to understand how a person could be horrified by the fact they have been the victim of a cult and still have a part of them that participates. But that is the major complication of multiple personality disorder for a victim.

To many it might seem that the alter participates freely. It might even seem so to the participating personality. But the fact is that this is all part of the elaborate brain washing that has been done. The victim has long since lost her/his ability to chose freely.The reasons for that are many.

First off, because the victim's psyche has split off into a myriad of parts and the memories of those parts are separate from each other, it is much easier for the victim to be manipulated. One of the things that I learned as I resolved a number of victimization's in my past was there was a common thread in all of them. That thread was confusion. The more confused I was, the easier I was victimized.

A victim with MPD (now known as DID) who loses time (which many multiples do) is a system of chaos. With alters moving in and out of the forefront, the displaced personalities have no idea what has happened to them during their time pushed to the back. The result when a personality does surface again is nothing but confusion.

The surfacing personality has no explanation for the lost time. All she/he knows is time has "jumped" since the last time she/he knew. Because she/he has no awareness of other inhabitants within the body, for all intents and purposes time has just not existed for that personality in a world that clearly did NOT stand still.

Because of this many multiples have difficulties even grasping the concept of time. Time stops and starts for them, while it is continuous for others. Even if they have the concept of time explained to them over and over, it just doesn't match up with how time works for them, adding to their confusion.

Afraid of being labelled crazy, the multiple will try to pretend that everything is normal. All the while she/he is immersed in confusion trying to figure out what happened in the world without them.

That confusion is complicated by information about what she/he "did" during that missing time. The alter knows for sure, that she/he did no such thing but has no other explanation. The whole world can seem crazy to her/him. Since offenders are experts at manipulating they make that chaos work for them. An alter in a chaotic system is an easy target.

To be continued..........


jumpinginpuddles said...


Kahless said...

Dont really know what to say.

Your posts are really informative and giving me an insight into the chaos and confusion. That must be immense for some personalities.

Fallen Angels said...

Oh yes...the more questions answered...the more questions there are! That is absolute fact. :P

I think our system falls in a middle ground somewhere. What I mean is that Sera loses time and has no coconsciousness with the rest of us. Those of us in the castle and in the village are coconscious with each other, can talk to each other and work as a team. Those in the forrest and caves for some reason leave the village alone and are prevented from entering the Castle. We HAVE had instances of "them" getting in or appearing to get of those instances we actually think is a program and not an actually dark personality/alter; however, the times when they may have gained access have been infrequent. We also have safeguards in place. Some internal and some external. The external ones actually consist of people who expect us to be at home at specific times. For example, our partner was working a night shift for a long time, so our downstairs neighbor (who knows the situation and is a good friend) has keys to our apartment, keys to our lockbox (where meds and sharp things are kept during hard times) and has a file with our medical info as well as our T's number and permission to speak to her. This neighbor is a VERY light sleeper and our floors were we to get up in the night and start moving around, she would know and take whatever action is necessary. In the past we could not sleep and got up to watch tv, our neighbor called (at 2am) because she woke up and didn't hear the toilet flush (which would be the normal sound she hears if we get up!). Now that our partner is home at night (working days), things are a little easier...however, she continues to not let us leave the house alone if it is dark...unless it is only to go downstairs to neighbors apartment. There are other things in place as well, but these are the most immediately effective.

I guess technically we are still in the grasp of the cult because we do have programming issues, we do have fear and anniversary dates require "extra" precautions, but I think I can confidently say that our body is not being taken and involved in any activities and that the grasp is loosening!

Warrier (misspelled intentionally)

PS...there is a new post at our hidden blog that sort of addresses additional questions.More acurately, it addresses confusion about the sorce/affiliation of cult activity.

keepers said...

the manipulation done by cults, perpetrators, abusers is so devious and so calculating in its presentation it is a wonder any of us get out from under their control. we agree with everything you have said here.

Sending safe hugs

peace and blessings


Anonymous said...

we are still struggling to be free and most days we just dont even believe we can be, sometiems a glmmer arises but mostly i think we slowly become resigned to the fact we may never be free, and thats terrifying

Anonymous said...

five years of your life in that horrible place was five years to omany we are so sorry you suffered like that with an understanding more than at times we can bear our heart grieves for you and your loss of innocence

Fallen Angels said...

I think I got a bit long-winded in that comment. :P Maybe that should have been a post.