Tuesday, November 9, 2010

What about Fair?

I know that life isn't supposed to be fair but despite that fairness is an important measure for me. I live my life trying to deal with others in a fair manner and I suppose I expect that others will do the same with me.

That expectation is where I get into trouble. I know most people expect others to treat them fairly. There's plenty of evidence of that in today's world. I also see that many of those people do not make dealing with others a practice they chose. They do as they please, regardless of the feelings or needs of others, yet expect everyone to be fair with them. The double standard drives me nuts.

I suspect that Muddy K in her comment on Bitter is correct. Bitterness is probably not what is behind the feelings I am experiencing. My rage(and believe me it currently is RAGE) is more about fairness than me being bitter. I am inflamed that I have been judged on someone else's manipulative portrayal of my behavior by a person with no first hand knowledge of my character.
Then that woman, having decided that I am what?...... the enemy of all her friends, joined into the beginnings of an unseemly and totally inaccurate confrontation on my FB page. I tried to suggest to her that maybe she should get the facts before she encourages someone to continue on in an inaccurate and troubling attempt to discredit me. The woman's response was a justification of her behavior filled with venom that makes no sense to me.

I have had no direct dealings with this woman. What is this assault from her about? Why is it so easy for her to attack someone she doesn't even know? AND why does she want to jump into the middle of something she doesn't even understand.

Do I have an opinion about this woman? You're darn right, I do. It's based on my personal experience with her and what I have personally seen. It is not based on what someone else has told me about her and that's where the fairness comes into this, I think.

I know enough about this woman to know she'd be screaming to the rooftops about fairness should the same thing happen to her. Yet, there she is carrying around this chip on her shoulder about me for something that has nothing to do with her and isn't even accurate in the first place. How do you deal with things like that?

14 comments:

Ivory said...

Sounds like the FB person is trying to gain someone else's favor by fighting their "battle" (for lack of better word). Prove to the others that you are not like HER, by not ruffling any feathers. You do not have to defend yourself to a busybody gossip-monger. Prove you are an upright person by ignoring the lies and cyper-attacks. I'm sorry, tho, that you have to put up with this.

Muddy K said...

Yikes, Facebook. I'll never be on it. It's complicated to even say why, but, among other reasons, there are few things more unfair than being able to hurt someone from a safe distance. I'm sorry FB even came into it for you. How do you deal with it? Sheesh, I don't know. Don't let yourself get dragged into it, don't dignify any of it with a response on that particular platform? It's hard to say much without knowing the controversy, but please don't give people who don't know you the power to make you feel bad. Fairly speaking, they have no right. Hang in there.

Rising Rainbow said...

Muddy K, I'm on FB to promote my breeding program. It's a great business tool so I feel it's important to be there.

I was attacked there but deleted the unfair comments that were made and also deleted off my friends list the people who made them when it was clear they wanted to cause trouble. Still I have to deal with these people in the horse community. That's the part I'm struggling with. I'm mad about what's been done to me and feel like I've just laid down and taken it instead of standing up for myself.

Rising Rainbow said...

Ivory, I think you're right about the motivaton and I don't feel like I need to defend myself to her but, like I said in the other comment, I do feel like I need to stand up for myself in some way. Somehow by saying nothing and hearing their snide remarks, I feel like I'm being a doormat. That's someplace I really don't want to go again.

Muddy K said...

I wasn't judging your use of Facebook at all, just so you know. Refusing to get down in the dirt doesn't make you a doormat at all, but I know it's so hard to walk away sometimes, especially if you feel you had no chance to defend yourself. The way I approach things like that, being dissed by people who don't know me, is to remember that they have forfeited their right to get to know me any better. When I have to deal with them face to face, I keep them at arm's length.

Rising Rainbow said...

MK, I didn't feel judged about my FB page. I'm not crazy about it either and I don't really engage in the interactions that others do. My horse blog posts to there in the notes so the cross link helps my search engine ranking on my website.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I agree with you about the site and if it wasn't for the need to promote my horse breeding business I wouldn't be there either.

As for the other issue, I will probably be posting about it on my horse blog at some point. It is all very much about my horses and how it affects that business. This whole mess very much caused problems because I didn't read the signs and got myself into a big mess. My response is very much based on the harm that was caused there.

63mago said...

I can not say that I understand it fully, but I have the feeling that you have to do something, simply for selfprotection. You can not allow that nonsense is spoken about you, from a certain point onwards it becomes really dangerous.

If you have the possibility to publish a text - maybe your horseblog is the place, I do not know who reads there etctec. - I would write something about what causes all this: Only and stright to the thing - only ad rem, NOT under any circumstances ad personam.

You say it started with a wrong accusation or with someone talking about you and telling everybody you would do or act in a special way. And the person who attacks you now jumped on this, despite the fact that she is totally unrelated.
In a way she must be related or something causes her to feel involved. This would be good to know - if a personal approach is not possible or meaningful (and facebook attacks show that this is the case) make yourself heared. With a text, because you do controll this text, a conversation or a speech can be (willingly) misunderstood, a text is a text. And putting Things clearly out always lets other people the chance to re-think their own positions.

I would avoid in such a text any formulation that could be misunderstood - and anything personal in the sense of judging about others - let your readers do the judging. Avoid any heated discussion - let others scream and be angry or plainly stupid, just hold your ink!

This is a receipe to stirr things up, you must understand that it is not over after a week or so - the text is there, and it has to stay outside, because taking it back would really be giving in. As I see it is better to try such a thing than to sit and watch what others do, to you, your reputation. Friend and false friend, indecisive and plain enemy, all have taken sides as it seems. The blab runs along by itself and can become uncontrollable, it can become worse. A wellplaced bomb could stop the shit from spreading.

Just protect yourself, develop different scenarios and realize what to do NOT.

TinaM said...

Wow... sounds like high school and this woman never grew up and learned how to treat people!

I'm sorry you have to deal with people like that. Just ignore her, if you ever have to interact with her again, remind her and those around you, that she doesn't even KNOW you.

You've been through to much, and conquered such important things in your life to let such a small person bother you. (i know, easier said than done) Try not to even give it another thought!

People suck.

:)

dinkleberries said...

I agree, this situation feels very unfair (and just plain stupid!!) and I also agree, I would want to tell my side of the events.
MK's suggestions are both lofty and idealistic, whereas, Mago's are practical, imo.
There have been many times when I thought the first side was right, but then when I heard the other side, my opinion changed.
Just don't take up the vitriol 'they' have expressed, it's so not attractive.
Actually, all things considered, from my pov, you've handled this maddening situation very well. I think how you respond to it says a lot about your character and will ultimately raise people's respect for you. At least, those who do have a sense of fairness and justice.
You may never achieve a sense of justice or even fairness in this situation, but I find more peace when I have at least done what I can to mitigate the situation.
Blessings and wisdom to you in your endeavor!!

63mago said...

You did something?

Rising Rainbow said...

mago, thanks for your comments. I have not done something yet but I am working on it. Not getting up the nerve as much as deciding what I'm going to say when I tell my side of the story.

Tina, it does sound like high school, doesn't it. Although I didn't get caught up in that kind of behavior in HS either. It was easier to keep to myself than deal with those so immature.

My reason for dealing with this is because it affects my business reputation. I think it's important that people have the opportunity to know my side as well.

dinkleberries, I think both opinions are very valid. Circumstances make the difference which one to chose in what situation, to my way of thinking. Since everyone here, except me, is at a disadvantage of not knowing all the details, their opinion is affected. I guess that's just another reason why I think it's important to tell the whole story.

I will tell the story and I will do it my way. Which, as I'm sure you have learned from me by now, will be as fair and open to all as possible. I am not a name caller nor do I resort to manipulation to get people to see things my way. I am interested in the truth, plain and simple.

As for the person, she is a third party. Her only interest, that I know of, would be her friendship with someone I had dealings with. If there is something more there, I am not aware of it.

63mago said...

Right. Think. And act.

SkippyMom said...

I don't know what happened on FB, but from the only link you provided it sounded [to me] as if MK was giving you a compliment.

As I said I don't know the whole story, but from what I read on your "Bitter" link it didn't sound as tho' MK was being mean.

Hang in there.

Rising Rainbow said...

SkippyMom, I believe you are right about MK being supportive. This post about Fair had nothing to do with her in anyway. I'm sorry if it came off that way. It was never my intention.