Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Sharing............and Caring..........and.............

I have this thing about sharing. Well, maybe it's not really about sharing so much as being able to decide what I share and what I don't. I guess it's not uncommon for victims of childhood abuse to feel this way.

I would give someone the shirt off my back if I thought it would help them. BUT I don't want anyone taking my shirt without asking. That comes down to control I guess and that's ok with me. While I'm not a controlling person as in needing to be in charge all the time, I do want people to respect my property and my space.

I am not really obsessive about wanting people to respect my space. I just want to know that it's a consideration and that I am not being taken for granted. Also it's one of those things that I am sure to honor in regards to the space and property of others.

However, I have this problem with my husband on this issue. He doesn't really regard my feelings when it comes to such things. Most of the time the things are small so not worth fussing about but sometimes he butts in where he is not wanted and he ruins something that's important to me. His lack of respect for my boundaries really infuriates me but doesn't seem to mean much to him.

I find myself tearing my hair out and he's standing there looking at me like I'm some kind of nut. That only makes me all the more angry. The sad part is nothing changes. He continues to be oblivious to what I need and does whatever he thinks should be fine. The end result is just more stress in a time where I'm already stressed to the max.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if I wouldn't just be better off out there on my own than trying to live with someone who says he loves me but doesn't really work at participating in this marriage. The loneliness of the situation is bad enough without the intrusions into the things that make my life bearable.

It is a difficult place to be and it's really getting old. Then it's not the only thing getting old. That's probably what scares me the most. As I age I can't help but wonder if I haven't sold myself down the river. All of the healing I accomplished and I still didn't end up in a healthy relationship. It just doesn't make sense.


Reflections said...

Is it truly that he does not care, or that he does not understand?

You said it is often the small things. Sometimes, as victims, those small things, even physical items, hold more meaning to us in a different sort of way, that most people can not make sense of.

I have a few select items that I am extremely protective over, which I tend to react about with the feelings you expressed about needing respect. (Those items need to be returned immediately to there precise location - my other stuff can be returned whereever you drop it.) Yet with most of my belongings, it does not matter, borrow, keep until I ask about, whatever. Because I react so differently I often send mixed messages, thereby causing the people around me to not comprehend my strong reaction.

Respect and mutual diligence in the relationship is important from both of you... But could you be sending mixed messages whereas it would be more difficult for him to understand your wishes?

TinaM said...

Men. You really have to spell it out for him... maybe you already have? Really sit down, even make a list so you remember the important things you need to say. If he intrudes on accident, get the list back out and tell him EXACTLY what you need from him...

If you have already tried and he really does not care, then maybe you are better off without him. BUT... men are stupid. Make sure he really understands how he is hurting you... and if he really DOESN'T care (and isn't just dumb) than I guess you gotta do, what you gotta do.

Best Wishes to you. You have turned your life around and don't deserve to have it thrown off course. By anyone.

English Rider said...

The only person over who's behavior you can exert control is yourself. Love him or leave him.
I have been trying hard for a bunch of years to practice the former. The latter is beginning to have greater appeal. No wisdom here.

Rising Rainbow said...

Reflections, I think when I take the time to explain to him what I need and he doesn't take it in, that's not caring.

There is no diligence on his part in this relationship. He's more a stick his head in the sand and hope it goes away kinda guy. Makes for a lot of frustration.

TinaM, I agree with you that men can be stupid, maybe more like oblivious. That's the best descriptive work I can think of for him. He is that way because it's easier.

English Rider, you certainly got that right. I know my behavior is the only thing I can affect. Sometimes I think I should accept him the way he is. Other times I get really tired of being alone. Then when he does something intrusive, I want to head down the road.

I know I have lots of fear about starting over at my age but I'm not sure if that alone is what keeps me here.

I guess it comes down to what is enough. Is love by itself enough? Is love more than just a feeling? Is it reflected in one's behavior?

purple cupcakes said...

yes but you met him when going throguh healing not at the end. I have found that many survivors who have healed or are getting better find that their partners are not the people that they thoguht they were when they were damaged and couldnt see clearly.

I have certainly found that accidentally i married traits of my abusive low down father, now im getting helaed i can see how my victim behaviour couldnt see what i was getting into.

Rising Rainbow said...

pc, you are definitely right about that. Even though our relationship started off with us both going to counseling, I grew and he pretty much didn't.

Actually to be fair, I suppose I should say that we haven't grown at the same rate. I grew a lot as in I'm a totally different person now and he has grown just a little. Just enough to make me think he's going to be better but not enough to really be better.

Still I find myself plagued with feelings that I should be loyal and that's what keeps me. That an fear about what it would be like at my age to begin all over again. I suppose this is a debate I will have with myself for quite some time. Easy answers just don't seem to be possible in this case.

Enola said...

Oh my goodness, I'm the exact same way. Just last night Husband and I had a disagreement because he let the kids use my hair clips to secure blankets to chairs so they could make a fort. He couldn't understand why I was upset that they took my hair clips, and didn't put them back.

Have you tried joint counseling? Sometimes hearing the exact things you've been saying, but from a different person, makes all the difference.

Rising Rainbow said...

Enola, we have tried everything. He's not motivated to work. What can I say. It takes two and in this relationship there's only one.

TinaM said...

Have you told him that you just can't live with this any longer? Go as far as saying the D word??? Maybe if faced with divorce, he will see how much it's hurting you and realize he NEEDS to change...

dinkleberries said...

Been there, almost done that, when things are stressed the grass always looks greener on the other side. I would say now is not a good time to make a life changing decision. Bottom line I also live with one who likes to put the 'head in the sand'. But with the economy in the mess it is, I can't help but think that we need to work together as much as possible. There are no guarantees. Also, I have found out that flouride is used to turn men into wimps, they used it in the Russian gulags to pacify the men so they wouldn't fight, it may be that there may be things like this that are affecting him.
Something isn't connecting, and it's going to be a challenge to figure out the solution, keep your mind open!!

Donna said...

I've been trying to figure this out for myself for the past couple of years, so I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom other thann to tell you that love is definitely not enough. Especially if your idea of it and his are very different. I gave up trying to be happy with what he was doing and instead made some big decisions lately about what I needed to do to make myself happy. And I am happier for it. There is never a good time to make a big decision, it is a matter of tolerance, would you be less miserable staying or going? I never thought that I would be able to live alone and now I am doing it 5 days a week. Visit my blog for more details. Email me if you want to talk offline, I am thinking about you.

Karen said...

All I can say that has any wisdom is.. I think there are MANY of us in the same boat. You put it so eloquently.