Saturday, June 12, 2010

Looking Back

Sometimes I find myself looking back over my life and wondering how I managed to make it where I am today. Coming from a childhood of abuse, I knew how to be a victim. Obviously I wasn't aware that's how I was living but it was. Everything I did was colored by the perspective I'd learned in my family of origin.

I think the most important part of my recovery was learning to change that perspective. Learning to see the world through the light of truth instead of disguised by the fog of lies my family lived was liberating.

It started off slowly. Discovering that those feelings I got about the weird guy on the corner were probably normal and that they could be trusted. Finding out that "normal" was NOT what happened at our house. Tying up and gagging toddlers to teach them not to cry isn't OK. Enemas aren't huge amounts of fluid held until you feel like bursting. The list goes on as did my new awareness that what happened in my home on a regular basis was twisted........even evil.

The most important things I learned where about the games. I learned to spot them instead of getting sucked in by them. Probably the most important one of those games was the "blame game." It's always someone else's fault. If I was hurt, I must have done something to deserve it.

But there were other games as well. Playing helpless to such someone in to take care of her, that one my mother was an expert at. She could play the poor widow with six kids like a pro so people wouldn't look beyond the surface to see what really lay underneath. When I finally did confront her, she feel right into it. It was amazing to not get sucked in by her helplessness and stand my ground.

By that time I knew every possible card she might play. It was a good thing because she played them all. She blamed me, my kids, life, God, you name it. She claimed she did her best but I knew she was just quoting words she'd seen. What she really wanted was for me to stop so she didn't have to hurt. The only thing that mattered to her was protecting herself from pain. She had no concern at all for me or what I might be feeling. That realization set me free from worrying or wondering about our relationship anymore.

It was clear she had no idea what it meant to be a mother and she really hadn't ever wanted to be one. Me walking out of her life was no loss for her. As long as it would allow her to be free from facing the truth of what she'd done, it was good. The reality of our relationship was finally out in the open. It was difficult but at least it was finally the truth.


TinaM said...

It's good that you see all that... even though you went through such horrible things, you came out ok. That is because you are strong and smart enough to see through the games.

I wonder how many people never do... how many get sucked in and live with the abuse, until the abuser isn't strong enough... then they probably spend the rest of there time taking care of that abuser... never having the strength to leave. Always falling for there games and even feeling sorry for them.

Marj aka Thriver said...

Your mother sounds very much like mine. I'm so glad you can see the truth now and you know how to care for yourself.

Thanks for you submissions for the BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. I'm so glad you are going to join us. I didn't even realize until today that this week marks the 4-yr. anniversary. So, I'm glad it will be at my blog Friday.

Donna said...

You got where you are today through sheer willpower and intelligence. By knowing when and how to take care of yourself, no matter what your programming was telling you. You truly are one of my heroes.

debianne said...

I haven't seen my mother in more than 10 years. Funny how her power was lost when confronted with the truth...which has the power to set us free from the past and from being a victim.
Strength comes from shinning a light into the darkness and dispelling all fear!
Thank you for your courage to shine the light and tell the truth!!!

Carolynn said...

I can't begin to understand what you went through as a child. I have no doubt that it has made you resilient and that's something no one can take from you.

It is incredibly liberating to see our parents as adults separate from us, with their own problems.

Blessings to you as you continue to heal and grow.


Karen said...

I'm so sorry you've suffered this kind of abuse. It looks as if you've found a strong and healthy way to survive and moved on with your life in a positive way... that's a huge accomplishment.

Lunachance said...

You have amazing inner strength. When you know your history and the involvement of others, you are the only one who should determine your future relationships. Cutting toxic people out of your life is actually a good thing. You do not have to "mend fences" or try to make things better if the other party is not willing to take responsibility. My oncologist surgically removes tumors from my body and we celebrate that. Why can't we celebrate removing those who act like tumors from our lives? It will make you happier to know where everyone stands and sometimes, you have to just walk away. Often, older people are excused for poor behavior (because they have earned it by living so long), but rude is rude at any age and unacceptable is just that, unacceptable. Keep strong and do not tolerate/keep people in your circle if they are not going to make your life better.


purple cupcakes said...


this reminds us so much of where are going if that makes nay sense probably doesnt but ohh well

Marj aka Thriver said...

Just stopping by to say that you're thought of today. I see you haven't posted for a while. Hope all is well.