I have trouble feeling loved. Even though I may be surrounded by people who care for me, I just can't feel it sometimes.
I know that I am responsible for my feelings and that my happiness does not depend upon others. Yet sometimes I just can't avoid going down into that dark pit of loneliness that beckons me.
I've been struggling with a crossroad for quite some time. Trying to figure out whether I settle for the status quo or take the plunge into the unknown seems to bring with it the calling of that abyss. Therefore I find myself teetering on the edge, torn between jumping off or fighting to maintain some semblance of normalcy.
For the longest time pursuing my dream has been the defining answer to this dilemma. Any time the road would get rough I could just latch on to that dream to keep myself from falling.
Life, however, has its own hand in all of this. Despite all my best efforts to keep my dream safe and alive, the current economic times have had their own effect. The dream is in jeopardy.
I am at the end of the road. I cannot maintain without help. The help I thought I had is not happening. I must either adapt the dream to something less than I really want........or I must totally give it up. There is no comfort with either option. Both feel like giving up to me.
I suppose this is the reason for the darkness right now. Being fractured into so many parts makes the resolution of such problems difficult. All the logic in the world will not comfort those parts who feel I'm letting myself down. There is little consolation for the wailing children who feel abandoned once more.
The transition through these changes to my dream will not happen over night. It will be a long process with no foreseeable end in sight. Whether or not the internal process takes as long, I guess only time will tell.
In the meantime I find myself struggling with that old problem of feeling unloved. It is trying to wine and dine me into complacency so it can swallow me up. The holidays have managed to add their own flavor to this mix. I'm hoping getting them behind me will bring some relief. In the meantime I am trying to take one step at a time.