Sunday, December 27, 2009

Falling.........

I have trouble feeling loved. Even though I may be surrounded by people who care for me, I just can't feel it sometimes.

I know that I am responsible for my feelings and that my happiness does not depend upon others. Yet sometimes I just can't avoid going down into that dark pit of loneliness that beckons me.

I've been struggling with a crossroad for quite some time. Trying to figure out whether I settle for the status quo or take the plunge into the unknown seems to bring with it the calling of that abyss. Therefore I find myself teetering on the edge, torn between jumping off or fighting to maintain some semblance of normalcy.

For the longest time pursuing my dream has been the defining answer to this dilemma. Any time the road would get rough I could just latch on to that dream to keep myself from falling.

Life, however, has its own hand in all of this. Despite all my best efforts to keep my dream safe and alive, the current economic times have had their own effect. The dream is in jeopardy.

I am at the end of the road. I cannot maintain without help. The help I thought I had is not happening. I must either adapt the dream to something less than I really want........or I must totally give it up. There is no comfort with either option. Both feel like giving up to me.

I suppose this is the reason for the darkness right now. Being fractured into so many parts makes the resolution of such problems difficult. All the logic in the world will not comfort those parts who feel I'm letting myself down. There is little consolation for the wailing children who feel abandoned once more.

The transition through these changes to my dream will not happen over night. It will be a long process with no foreseeable end in sight. Whether or not the internal process takes as long, I guess only time will tell.

In the meantime I find myself struggling with that old problem of feeling unloved. It is trying to wine and dine me into complacency so it can swallow me up. The holidays have managed to add their own flavor to this mix. I'm hoping getting them behind me will bring some relief. In the meantime I am trying to take one step at a time.

9 comments:

English Rider said...

You must take into consideration that you are not alone in this crisis. Many, many of us are just hanging on, postponing dreams and hoping for better times. It affects all our personal thoughts and relationships too. Don't give up.

achieve1dream said...

Please don't give up on your dream! I nearly did as well (and I also have the problem you have with loneliness), but I'm glad I didn't. My dream finally came true, although a bit different than what I always imagined, yet I'm as happy as can be with it.

Shattered said...

I was referred to your blog by a blogging friend and all I can say is that I am so glad to have found you. I too struggle with truly feeling loved, even when surrounded by caring people. Hang on to your dreams, even if they are changing...

jumpinginpuddles said...

dreams can coem true, two years ago we didnt dare dream now as freedom comes we dream so many dreams we never thoguht we could dream before.

The thing with dreams is that they are mine and i can make them possible.

do what you have to to make yours come true

Donna said...

Hold on, my friend, hold on. I'm sorry that you can't get the help you need to keep the dream alive, my only advice is to take a step back and see if you can reformulate the dream. Change it up a bit, postpone some things, do what is necessary to keep some kernel of it alive, then do what you can with what you have. I have always had a very hard time with unconditional love, it's obvious to me that I don't deserve it, yet I am constantly seeking confirmation of it. You are loved. Believe it and I will.

Rising Rainbow said...

English Rider, Thanks for the encouragement. I know I'm not alone....it's feeling it I struggle with.

achieve1dream, I don't think I am giving up but I'm definitely struggling with changing it.

jip, I do believe that dreams can come true.....just not sure if I can hold out long enough to make mine happen.

Donna, I have reformulated the dream......but parts of me feel that is giving up. That's what the struggle is about.

Also, your blog won't let me comment anymore. If you've missed me, that's why. Not because I'm not there.

Kahless said...

I hope you have a fabuolous 2010 MiKael and all your hopes and dreams come to full fruition.
xx.

Donna said...

I sent you another invite to my blog, hopefully that will fix the comment issue. I don't think that reformulating your dream is giving up on it at all. I know that I am constantly having to tweak things to make them work.

Rising Rainbow said...

Donna, I tried again. I can read your blog but when I try to comment I get this message "Comments on this blog are restricted to team members." and it won't post my comment. Don't know why. Love the pic with the Santa hats........my horses would eat them before we could get the camera.