It's finally occurred to me I'm surviving by zoning out. If I'm not working with the horses, then I'm sitting here at the computer playing spider solitaire as the hours slip away. If my eyes get tired or I get distracted, I move onto the television set to continue my existence as a space cadet......lost in some unknown world that's easier than my life at the moment.
I have made the necessary decisions to "cut back" on my horses. I've even listed a couple of those horses on the appropriate sale sites. I've begun the process of getting my website updated. All in an attempt to get the ball rolling and bring my life back to a more manageable point.
The problem is I am mourning each and every step. Giving up on the dream as it is to scale it down to one that is more likely to be attained is just not sitting well within my system. I/we understand all the plausible reasons why this is necessary but accepting it is another issue. Transitions are difficult. That's all there is to it.
I suspect this heaviness will not subside until the "new plan" shows some sign of working. In the meantime zoning out seems to be my protection from the overwhelming feeling that my life is spinning out of control.
It's been a long time since I've been in a place where zoning out was a necessary survival skill. Frankly I was surprised that I still had it in my repertoire.............but here it is like an old friend getting me through.
I might be grateful if it wasn't for the fact that zoned out feeling is a constant reminder of some very difficult times in my life. If I allow myself to reflect on how I feel at all, I find myself being drawn back to places that can only lead to darker places.
I suppose it is tied in with old programming locked away in unhealed cubicles of my psyche. Since I chose not to integrate such recurrences are expected, I guess. I just need to remind myself this is "normal" for me under these circumstances and better days are coming.
In the meantime maybe accepting the zoning out instead of challenging it might be a better solution. I don't seem to get drawn to that hole if I just accept this place I am at as a part of this process of change.
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About Me
- Rising Rainbow
- I've owned Arabian Horses for at least 20 years. While we have been breeding them most of that time, due to the current economy we have stopped breeding. Now with my current health concerns my future with horses may be in question too. In the meantime, with my husband and daughter, we currently have a herd of about 25 horses. Most are sired by our herd sire, Scandalous Legacy. The horses we have bred have been worked with from the day they are born and we pride ourselves on raising beautiful horses with kind, sweet, willing dispositions. Arabian horses have been therapy for me without them I would not be here.
10 comments:
is getting that zoning feeling im finding that ive discoverd the world of ds lite and playing it for hours helps us go away, i just wonder why we need to apart from feeling overwhelmed by school holidays nad people over
I'm sorry you have had to scale back your dream.... but, sometimes we have to change directions to find the place we were supposed to be... or something like that.
Man, I wish I had the spare cash to pick up one of your horses. I've long admired the bloodline (through your other blog), and would love to have a closer acquaintanceship. Maybe one day -- when I'm rich ;)
Hey, a vegetative state can be a good thing:)
Just not a constant thing.
It's how I reset, re-boot.
Thanks for stopping by my blog:)
I do that but never realised what I was doing. I soend hourse each night half watching tv and playing a mindless game - Triadz - on my PC. I see to be in a non thinking state.
{{{{MiKael}}}}
Hmmm....I zone out alot too!
If you need to zone out right now to get through this transition, then that needs to be OK. If you are doing it consistently and without consciousness, then I would think that is what you need to do. Sometimes we need to follow our body or mind or thoughts, without judging or trying to change it. I am sorry this is so difficult.
I have been zoning out A LOT lately. It irritates the people around us but I'm also beginning to think that if it keeps us safe, then it can't be all bad. Transitions are always so hard... take care of yourself.
Hey, zoning out is one of my finely honed skillz as well! but I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time... I had a favor to ask you but I don't want to pile on - really just a quick question I wanted to ask of some impartial 3rd parties...
jip, no one likes feeling overwhelmed no matter what the cause behind it. At least of that I"m sure.
Astaryth, I know that scaling back may not be a bad thing in the long run. But letting go of this vision is tough and telling myself it's for the best doesn't seem to hold much solace.
As for owning one of my horses some day, that would be cool. I'd be much happier to have then go to people who would really appreciate them. The rate things are going now, the time might not be far off. A liquidation sale may have to happen.
GoLightly, I agree with you zoning out is not necessarily a bad thing as long as it doesn't interfere with other aspect of one's life.
Kahless, hugs to you too!
FFW, I'll bet you do. You have had a lot on your plate as well.
Donna, thanks for caring. I know I'll get through this. I just wish the other side would get here a bit quicker. LOL
Shattered, I guess zoning out for me is taking care of myself. Although sometimes it's scary to see how much time has gone by.
Val, ask away........or you can email me risingrainbow at comcast dot net
"I suspect this heaviness will not subside until the "new plan" shows some sign of working."
I really appreciate that you said that. I am approaching a major life change too, leaving our home of 20+ years sometime in the next year. I love our place and am finding it extremely difficult to even think about leaving it (downsizing).
Labyrinth
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