It's finally occurred to me I'm surviving by zoning out. If I'm not working with the horses, then I'm sitting here at the computer playing spider solitaire as the hours slip away. If my eyes get tired or I get distracted, I move onto the television set to continue my existence as a space cadet......lost in some unknown world that's easier than my life at the moment.
I have made the necessary decisions to "cut back" on my horses. I've even listed a couple of those horses on the appropriate sale sites. I've begun the process of getting my website updated. All in an attempt to get the ball rolling and bring my life back to a more manageable point.
The problem is I am mourning each and every step. Giving up on the dream as it is to scale it down to one that is more likely to be attained is just not sitting well within my system. I/we understand all the plausible reasons why this is necessary but accepting it is another issue. Transitions are difficult. That's all there is to it.
I suspect this heaviness will not subside until the "new plan" shows some sign of working. In the meantime zoning out seems to be my protection from the overwhelming feeling that my life is spinning out of control.
It's been a long time since I've been in a place where zoning out was a necessary survival skill. Frankly I was surprised that I still had it in my repertoire.............but here it is like an old friend getting me through.
I might be grateful if it wasn't for the fact that zoned out feeling is a constant reminder of some very difficult times in my life. If I allow myself to reflect on how I feel at all, I find myself being drawn back to places that can only lead to darker places.
I suppose it is tied in with old programming locked away in unhealed cubicles of my psyche. Since I chose not to integrate such recurrences are expected, I guess. I just need to remind myself this is "normal" for me under these circumstances and better days are coming.
In the meantime maybe accepting the zoning out instead of challenging it might be a better solution. I don't seem to get drawn to that hole if I just accept this place I am at as a part of this process of change.